Kerrmudgeon

...happy because the cold weather has finally broken. We're seeing temps above freezing this weekend and the sun is out!
________________________________________ ____________

A few visuals borrowed from the neighbors......























A few shorties.......

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS

Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values..

Bill said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'

Larry replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'



A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'

The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'



'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,'

'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'



A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'

'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'



An old woman goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse she has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old woman says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'



Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.



A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'

The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'

'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.



Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective..

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'



Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah, until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'



A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'



While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'

'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

He's still in intensive care.



The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

Kerrmudgeon

Sex, Pleasure or work?

Husband and wife are having a good sex life but he's wondering if having sex on the Sabbath would be considered work or pleasure.

He stops at the local Catholic Church and asks the Priest if having sex on the Sabbath would be considered work or pleasure. The Priest isn't sure and tells him to come back later after he has done some research.

The Priest tells him it's work and he shouldn't do that. He thanks hims and as he's walking back out, thinks "What does a priest know about sex? "

As he's walking back home, he passes a Baptist church. He goes in and asks the Minister if having sex on the Sabbath would be considered work or pleasure. The Minister immediately says one should not have sex for pleasure it's strictly for conception.

He thanks him and leaves quickly.

Down the street a little farther is a Synagogue. He goes in and asks the Rabbi the same question.

The Rabbi ponders for a minute and says definitely pleasure.

If it was work, my wife would have the maid do it!

Kerrmudgeon

When you gotta go, you GOTTA GO!


Cammo dog.....

ricks327

Special Package for Businessmen
An Airline introduced a special package for businessmen - buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.
After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives, asking how was the trip.
All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"


New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides to surprise her husband,
who is seated on the couch in the living room.
She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number. "Hello Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone: "Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.



Cool Message by a Wife

Dear Mother-in-law,

"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement"


Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture. All the knives were missing the target! Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."


Habit of Talking in Sleep

A lady to doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
Doctor: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake."

Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate, hurricanes to swirl around, and no one teaches a man how to choose a wife...........Natural disasters just happen.


Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: "Madam, your husband needs rest and peace, so here are some sleeping pills."

Wife: "Doc, when should I give them to him?"

Doctor: "They are for you!"

M A R R I A G E !



At a cocktail party, one man said to another,

'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'

'Yes, I am. I married the wrong woman.'

______

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

'Husband Wanted'.

Next day she received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing:

'You can have mine.'

__________


When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

__________



A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

__________


A little boy asked his father,

'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'

Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'

__________


A young son asked,

'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'

Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'

_________
Then there was a woman who said,

'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late.'

________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

__________

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

__________


Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

__________


First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'

Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'

__________


'A Woman's Prayer:

Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, to understand a man , to Love and to forgive him, and for patience, for his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'.

__________

GEM '62

TEXT TO THE NEIGHBOR

Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I cannot live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. ;
;
The truth is I have been sharing your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. ;
;
I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was just too much. ;
;
I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. It won't happen again. Please suggest a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. ;
;
Regards, Alan.

;
THE RESPONSE ;
;
Fred, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbour dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. ;
;
He took out his phone where he saw he had a second message from his ;neighbour:

THE SECOND MESSAGE ;
;
Hi Fred, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I expect you figured it out anyway, and that you noticed that darned Auto-Correct changed "wi-fi" to "wife" That's that technology for you, hey? ;
;
Regards, Alan

GEM '62

As told by a Fortune Teller:

;

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news:

;

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow.

;

Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

;

Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, ;then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands.

;

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out...She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked,

;

;

;

;

"Will I be acquitted?"

GEM '62

A young kid asks his mother, "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?" ;

"Well, child . . . Socialism is when blue-collar workers work harder every day so we can get all our stuff free like: Obamacare, cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, school lunch, utility subsidy, and on and on . . . you know. That's Socialism ". ;

"But mama, don't the blue-collar workers get mad about that?" ;

"Sure they do honey ……….... that's called Racism." ;

plaidside

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vets when they struck up a conversation.

The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,

"So why are you here?"

"I'ma pisser. I **** on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.

But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So, what's the vet going to do? "

"Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab.

"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked:

"Why are you here? "

The Yellow Lab said:

"I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside I
dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in owner's couch."

"So,what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too."the dejected Yellow Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked:

"Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," said the Great Dane.

"I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, andfence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

"Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dryher toes and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said:

"So,it's nuts off for you too, huh ?”

The Great Dane said:

"No!Apparently, I'm here to get my nails clipped." ‎

Kerrmudgeon

Bah hahahahahaha.......snicker snicker......

the kid C6

64Corvette

64Corvette

ricks327

For years you probably have wondered who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be Shittin’ Me".

Am I right?

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin’ me.'

Kerrmudgeon

Saying Grace before dinner.......

Joan invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, 'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' Joan answered.
The girl thought for a minute, then bowed her head and said, 'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'



How did he die?
“He crashed while rowing his boat and suffered a broken scull.”



As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.
As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Wilson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"
Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I... I... didn't pinch that girl."
"Of course you didn't," said his wife, consolingly. "I did!"



A bit long winded...

A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."

A voice from the back of the room replied, "Well, there's a calendar behind you..."



Here's a different wheel treatment I've not seen before, for the chronic gambler......

plaidside

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'
The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male"

ricks327

Golfing in Heaven

Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.

Upon arriving they saw the most beautiful golf course they have ever seen.

St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course, but he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don't hit the ducks during your first three months here.

The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, "The ducks?

"Yes", St. Peter replies, "There are thousands of ducks walking around the course, and if one gets hit, he quacks, then the one next to him quacks and soon they're all quacking to beat the band It really breaks the tranquility, and if you hit one of the ducks, you'll be punished. Otherwise everything is yours to enjoy.”

Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large numbers of ducks everywhere.

Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit a duck. The duck quacks, the one next to it quacked and soon here was a deafening roar of duck quacks.

St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, "Who hit the duck?” The guy who had done it admitted, "I did.” St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said. Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as before, and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.

He cuffed the man's right hand to the homely woman's left hand. "I told you not to hit the ducks," he said; "Now you'll be handcuffed together for eternity.”

The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn't even play for fear of even nudging a duck. After three months, he still hadn't hit a duck.

St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months, and had with him a knock-out, gorgeous woman - the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. St. Peter smiled at the man and then, without a word, handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.

The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity, let out a contented sigh and said aloud, "I wonder what I did to deserve this?

The woman responds, "I don't know about you, but I hit a duck."

GEM '62

Murphy goes to his friend Pat and says ... "I'm sleeping with the Pastor’s wife.

Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me.”

Pat doesn't like it but, being Murphy's longtime friend, he agrees.



After service, he starts talking to the Pastor, asking him all sorts of

stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the Pastor gets annoyed

and asks Pat what he's really up to.



Pat, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the Pastor. "My friend is sleeping

with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."



The Pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Pat's shoulder and says...

"You better hurry home. My wife died two years ago."

Kerrmudgeon

Listen fast as this funny flight attendant doesn't slow down for a second.....