vic z

Ten Thoughts to Ponder for the New Year 2010

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,make him a sandwich .
Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to Criticism.
Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00, and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?
Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..
And The Number 1 Thought For 2010
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers; What you do today, might Burn Your *** Tomorrow"

This one is from Midyearvette since he is roughing it fishing down in the Keys!!

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

Ma an Pa were out for a sunday drive. They're tootling along about 40 mph and Pa hears cluck cluck, looks down an running beside the car is a chicken, so Pa increases the speed to 60 mph, looks down and the hen's still there running along, not even sweating. Pa increases the speed even further to 80 mph, but then the hen makes a sharp right hand turn up a long driveway, so Pa follows the chicken. He pulls up outside an old shack where there's an old fella siting in a rocking chair on the porch. He then notices the hen has three legs an there are heaps of them running loose around the yard. He asks the old chap, "are these your hens?" To which he replies, "they is". The stranger then asks, "do you breed these chickens?" and again the old chap replies, "I duz". Then the stranger asks, "why have they got three legs?" The old chap says, "one leg for me, one for ma, and one for the boy". "Oh I see", says the stranger then asks, "what do they taste like?" to which the old chap says, "We don't know - never been able to catch one."

Kerrmudgeon

Three guys are walking down the beach ...when they
see this beautiful woman laying naked on the beach.

Well, the first guy goes over to her and starts making
love to her, when she says "What will we name the child?"
The guy freaks and runs away.

So the second guy goes over to her and starts 'doing his thing' when
she says "What will we name the child?" He freaks out also and runs
away.

The third guy has been watching all this. So he puts on a condom and
goes to do his thing. When she says "What will we name the child?"

He ignores her and keeps on going. She keeps asking but he keeps
going. Finally he finishes and pulls off the condom, ties a knot in
the end of the rubber and throws it in the ocean.

He turns to the girl and says, "If he gets out of that, we'll call
him Houdini."

________________________________________ ______


Charlie marries a virgin, and it's their wedding night. He's on fire. He gets naked, jumps into bed, and then starts groping her as soon as she climbs in. She says, "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

He sits up, folds hands on his lap, and says, "Is that better?" She says, "Much better."

He says, "Okay. Now will you please pass the *****?"

________________________________________




**Rrriiiiinnnnggg,rrriiiinnnngg,**



**'Hello?'**


Keep scrolling down









**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**















**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**















**After a brief pause,**















**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**















**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**















Brief Pause.














**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**














**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**













**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**













**'I did it, Daddy.'**













**'And what happened, honey?' **












**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.**















**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**















**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**















**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**















**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**















**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**















*****Long Pause*****
















*****Longer Pause*****
















*****Even Longer Pause*****















**Then Daddy says,**















**'Swimming pool? ...........**















**Is this 486-5731?'*





























**No, I think you have the wrong number..........**

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

66jack

kermuggen....you've got some funny ones today..