Kerrmudgeon

Face-lift

A woman decides to have a face-lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29."
The woman replies with a big smile, "Nope, I'm 50

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going, although when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, "Madam, you are 50."

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't," she says.

"I was behind you in McDonald's."

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Beware of E-Bay......

Careful what you purchase on EBAY.....
I Spent $50 on a ***** enlarger.
Bastards sent a magnifying glass.
Instructions said don't use in the sunlight

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Depression.......

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump
off a bridge so they stopped.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity so he asked... "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So she does... And it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had.
That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing
suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

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My DOG.......

My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him. He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise..
For this he pays nothing and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick…

I think my dog is a member of congress!

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Kerrmudgeon

Quotes from one of my favorite Presidents, Ronald Reagen.....

... And True!! Top Ten Ronald Reagan Quotes

1.“My fellow Americans. I’m pleased to announce that I’ve signed legislation outlawing the Soviet Union. We begin bombing in five minutes.” – joking during a mike check before his Saturday radio broadcast

2.“I hope you’re all Republicans.” – Speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

3.“I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency, even if I’m in a cabinet meeting.” – Said many times during his presidency, 1981-1989

4.“I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.” – Said during his presidency, 1981-1989

5.“Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his.”

6.“Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.” – Remarks at a business conference, Los Angeles, March 2, 1977

7.“Thomas Jefferson once said, “We should never judge a president by his age, only by his works.’ And ever since he told me that, I stopped worrying.”

8.“I want you to know that also I will not make age an issue of this campaign. I am not going to exploit, for political purposes, my opponent’s youth and inexperience.” – during a 1984 presidential debate with Walter Mondale

9.“I’ve noticed that everyone who is for abortion has already been born.” – The New York Times, September 22, 1980

10.“What makes him think a middle-aged actor, who’s played with a chimp, could have a future in politics?” – on Clint Eastwood’s bid to become mayor of Carmel

Hail to the chief!

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71zman

'Karma is Something Else'

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a Little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties.

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a Tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than

that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you

need. Shalom."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead and said, "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

Railroadman

Four old friends, all Catholics, got together at a restaurant for the first time since they were young. Talk soon turned to their children.

The first guy had to brag a bit, and said "Well, my son is a priest, and when he enters a room everyone says "Hello Father".

The second speaks up "Well MY son is a BISHOP, and when he walks into a room everyone says "Hello Your Excellency".

The third one smiles smugly. "MY son is the Pope, and when he walks into a room everyone says "Good morning your Holiness!"

They all turn to the woman, knowing she can't possibly top that.

She took a sip of her wine, and said "I don't even have a son. I only have one daughter. She's 5 foot ten inches, long blond hair, long legs, loves wearing very short skirts and low tops, and is 36D-24-36.

When she walks into a room, all you hear is "OH, MY GOD!"

65 vette dude

I think this has been on the internet before. If you have never heard it before.....it's a riot......and if you have heard it before, it's worth hearing again........http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qZYjA...eature=related

92GTA

ROTFLMFAO That is frickin awesome

Bob's 64

Sometime this year, it is possible that we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
>
> This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
>
>
> Q.. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
>
> A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
>
>
> Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
>
> A. From taxpayers.
>
>
> Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
>
> A. Actually, only a smidgen of it.
>
>
> Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
>
> A.. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase some big-ticket item, such as a high-definition TV, thus stimulating the economy.
>
>
> Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
>
> A. Shut up.
>
>
> Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
>
>
>
> * If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
>
>
> * If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs..
>
>
> * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .
>
>
>
> * If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras , Guatemala or Argentina .
>
>
> * If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea , or Germany .
>
>
> * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
>
>
> * If you pay off your credit cards, or buy stock, it will go for bonuses to obcenely wealthy hedge fund managers of global companies, which they will hide in offshore accounts.
>
>
> Instead, patriotic taxpayers can keep the money in America by:
>
>
> 1) Spending it at yard sales, or
>
> 2) Going to ball games, or
>
> 3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
>
> 4) Beer or
>
> 5) Tattoos.
>
>
> (These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
>
> Conclusion:
>
> Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
>
> No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help
>


The best lawyer story of all time.



The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the
city's most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the lawyer
a visit in his lavish office.

The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that even
though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a
penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your
community through the United Way?"

The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, "First, did your research also
show you that my mother is dying after a long, painful illness and she has
huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh . . . no, I didn't know
that." "Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a disabled
veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support
his wife and six children?"

The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.

"Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died
in dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three
children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities
requiring an array of private tutors?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry, I had
no idea."

And the lawyer says, "So .. . . if I didn't give any money to them, what
the f7@&* makes you think I'd give any to you?"






Generation "Y"






- People born before 1946 were called

The Silent Generation.

- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called

The Baby Boomers.

- People born between 1965 and 1979 are called

Generation X.

- And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

Kerrmudgeon

Prince Charles and the Hooker.....

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day.

At the same street corner he'd pass a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.

She'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realized she would bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.

He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. as they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.

Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yells:
"See what you get for Five Pounds, you tight bastard!"

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Kerrmudgeon

Through the eyes of a child:

The Children's Bible in a Nutshell........

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, 'The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, 'Give me a light!' and someone did.

Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren't embarrassed because mirrors hadn't been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden.....Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn't have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh's people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don't lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor's stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses' best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn't sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don't have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, 'Close the door! Were you born in a barn?' It would be nice to say, 'As a matter of fact, I was.')

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.
The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn't stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

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Railroadman

Love it!

My late parents instilled in me a love of humor and to the very end it was a treat to be able to pass along some new joke to them (only clean ones, they didn't do off-color which severely limited my choices ). The "Humor thy father and thy mother" hits home, in a good way!

Kerrmudgeon

The Drunk...

A drunk gets up from the bar stool and heads
for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender knocks on the bathroom door and says, "What's all the
screaming about in there, you're scaring the hell out of the
customers!"

"It's your toilet," slurs the drunk, " every time I try to flush,
something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts!"
Bartender peeks inside and says...........






"You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

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Kerrmudgeon

Texas..

A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders
of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked
a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied,
'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment,
then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California ,
but we're not having any of that **** in Texas ."

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chiefttp

Did you hear McDonalds is offering a new "Obama Happy Meal"

You order anything on the menu, and the guy behind you has to pay!

Kerrmudgeon

Elton, and David's Lovely Little Baby

They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated....

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the pacifier out of his azz...."

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Railroadman

A long-term mental patient was being evaluated by psychologists for possible release. He was asked what he'd do if released.

"I'd go get a gun, come back here, and shoot out every window in the place!"

Obviously he was returned to confinement.

After several years of treatment he was re-evaluated. Asked what he would do, the guy said "I'd come back here with a bow and arrow and shoot out every window in the place"

All the best staff shrinks worked with the guy after that, and finally about 5 years later he was in front of the panel of shrinks again. Asked what he'd do if released, he said "I'd go out and rent an apartment, then wander down to the neighborhood bar."

The shrinks all looked at each other and nodded. "Then what?" asked one shrink.

"I'd find a pretty girl, buy her a few drinks, and invite her back to my apartment."

The docs smiled. "very normal!" remarked one. "Then what?"

"Well, I would slowly take off her blouse and pants, remove her bra, and slide down her panties" the patient answered.

The panel breathed a sigh of accomplishment - the work had paid off. "Ah, a very normal and natural idea!" the head shrink nodded. "THEN what would you do?"

"I'd take those panties, remove the elastic, use it to make a slingshot, and come back and break out every window in this damn place!!!"