Kerrmudgeon

Doing Time.....

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cold beer in front of him. He appeared to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his beer.

"What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked.

"...Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating and you were only 16?" he asked.

"Yes I do." she replied.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes I remember."

"Do you remember your father when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said. "Either you marry my daughter or spend twenty years in jail?"

"Yes I do", she replied.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, "You know I would have gotten out today."

________________________ _________________________


Grounds for Divorce

A judge was interviewing a lady regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me, but I have no idea what he's talking about."

__________________________ _____________________________

Kids say the darnedest things!

A family was driving behind a garbage truck when a large ***** flies out and hits the windshield.
To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids,
"My what a big insect!"


To which her 7 year old says, " I'm surprised it could fly with a dick that big."

____________________________ ___________________________

The Canadian...

A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."

_____________________________ : ____________________________

These should come with a health WARNING......

My wife told me to go to the chemist and get some of those tablets that 'help' get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

The doctor said I can go home next week ..............

_____________________________ ______________________________

Kerrmudgeon

Not a joke, but oh so cute.......

Railroadman

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,

and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular

cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,



"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"


Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,




"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.


The voice came once more,




"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




She stopped, looked skyward! and said,




"IS THAT YOU LORD?"




The voice replied,




"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

midyearvette

CHINESE SICK LEAVE
>
> Hung Chow calls into work and says, So solly, I no come work today, I really sick.
>
> Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.
>
> The boss says, You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.
>
> Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon..........You got nice house"
>
>
>

Curvette1

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while ... then said, "You're
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks ... "What does that mean?"

He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.

She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely ... What about I, J, K?"

He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down.** The doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his private parts !



A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.

All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.

The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"

"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us." 



*

Curvette1

These are actual comments made by ****************Troopers that were
taken off their car videos:

* 1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just
went through."

*2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll
stretch after you wear them a while."

*3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth
certificate a worthless document." *

*4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail *tired."

*5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the
speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

*6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can
write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

* 7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think
it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

* 8. "Warning! *You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that
again or I'll give you another ticket."

*9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are
drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go
to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey
poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster
oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." ( National
Crime Information * Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're
allowed to write as many tickets *as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend
of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."



16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we
don't. Sign here."


An old German Shepherd dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

*
The old German Shepherd thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep **** now!"

*

*
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,

*

*
"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

*
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

*

*
"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!"

*
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

*
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

*
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

*
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says...

*

*
"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

*
Moral of this story...

*
Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
Bull **** and brilliance only come with age and experience.

*

Curvette1

OK...this makes me laugh.

Please read the following out loud.

ICE
BANK
MICE
ELF


If you didn't get it....read it aloud again.
(that's the teacher in me )

out2kayak

Railroadman

Railroadman

The Navy Chief saw a new seaman and barked at him "You! Get over here! What's your name, sailor?"

"John" the new man replied.

"Look, I don't know what type of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name!" the Chief thundered. "It breeds familiarity and that leads to a break down in authority!"

"I refer to my sailors by their last names only. Smith, Jones, Baker, whatever. And you are to refer to me as 'Chief'. Got that?"

"Aye Aye Chief".

"Now that we've got that straight, what's your last name?"

The seaman sighed. "Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief.'

"OK John, now here's what I want you to do....."

----------------------------------------------------
An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head. He then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour. This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: "I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:
"He lives in a home with non stopping chatting wife, 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

ricks327

I failed a Health and Safety course at work today.

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire,

what steps would you take?"

"F*****' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Railroadman

In the very old days, railroad trainmen were paid strictly by the mile.

One day a kid fresh off the farm was hired as brakeman. His job was to walk the tops of the cars and, when commanded by the whistle, apply the brakes by turning a brake wheel on the top of each car.

The train reached a steep decline, and soon was out of control thundering downward. The whistle signal for hand brakes was given, and the conductor began applying handbrakes. Soon he came upon the new kid, seated happily on the roof of a boxcar, watching the scenery flash by.

"We're running away! Why aren't you putting the brakes on? yelled the conductor.

The kid grinned. "Are you kidding? This here's the fastest I ever made money in my life!"

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Borrowed these from the OT........

Smart Wife......

An Italian husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when this absolutely stunning young woman
comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then
says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."


"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a
divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a
divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in
Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany, no more Jaguar in the garage
and no more yacht club. No more credit card and large Bank accounts.
But.... The decision is all yours."


Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his
arm.
"Who's that woman with Tony?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.

___________________________ ________________________


Ed and Nancy met on a singles cruise.
When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart, Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.
Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Nancy to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Nancy was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Nancy to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

Nancy took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."


Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball."

_________________________________ ________________________________

Railroadman

In church, Sunday morning, the priest announced, "If there is anyone in need of special help from the Lord, someone who needs our prayers, let him come forward to the altar."

With that, a worried old man rose and came forward. "My son, what is it that you need our prayers for?" asked the priest.

"Father, I need you to pray for help with my hearing," the man replied.

At that, the priest put a finger of one hand in the man's ear, placed his other hand on top of his head, and prayed and prayed ... and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the priest removed his hands, stood back and asked, "My son, how is your hearing now?"

"I don't know," he replied, "my hearing's not till Thursday."

ricks327

Wife asks husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies, "Only you Darling - With all the others, I was awake".

HOSPITAL VISITING HOURS ARE 10AM to 4PM

SunsetC6

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex

Railroadman

SunsetC6 I love that! Snopes says the incident itself didn't happen, but the ad DID appear on Craigslist starting in 2009. it's been around for 2 or 3 years with at least 6 different cities listed as where it "happened". But it's still good for a laugh - and wishful thinking as well!

MAD IN NC

Since I haven't seen a joke today I thought I would start.....



A DEA officer named Jim stops at a ranch in Oklahoma, and talks with a rancher named Charles. He tells the Charles, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Charles says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


Jim the DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the Charles. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

Charles then nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, Charles hears loud screams and sees Jim the DEA officer running for his life chased by Charles big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on Jim the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. Jim is clearly terrified. Charles throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....


"Your badge. Damn it! Show him your BADGE!"

oldsarge

T.G.I.F, thanks for the laughs.