Kerrmudgeon

Good morning guys and gals, not much in the old in-box this week but I'll start it off for you jokers.

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A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding..


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.


Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

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A couple more geriatric lady ones.....


Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch in Scottsdale AZ , doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, “Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments of silence, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?”



Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home in Phoenix AZ reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”



A little old man shuffled slowly into the “Orange Dipper”, an ice cream parlour in Gilbert AZ , and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “hemorrhoids.”

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GEM '62

You Don't Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don't even have to like 'em!

We were dressed, and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house. Because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her *** with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat *** downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

GEM '62

A small zoo in Georgia obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few
weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was
in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a
redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.

Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability
to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might

have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be
willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00? Bobby Lee showed some

interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The
following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under
five conditions: "First", Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the
lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition. "Second", he said, "she
must wear a 'Dale Earnhardt Forever' T-Shirt." The keeper again readily
agreed to this condition. "Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one
about

this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition. "Fourth", Bobby
Lee said, "I want all the children raised Southern Baptist." Once again it

was agreed. And last," Bobby Lee said, "I'm gonna need another week to come
up with the $500.00.”

GEM '62

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself
into the ocean; but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow
you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy.”

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

GEM '62

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas.

He rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new west Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?"

"And the best of the day to yourself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann 's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o'yer lads to take care of the matter?

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun with the good father, replied, "Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

Father O'Malley then replied, "Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me call."

MAD IN NC

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door. "Young ladies," said the professor with a broad smile, "the next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."



A wife says to her friend, "Our sex life stinks." Her friend says, "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?" She says, "Once, and I saw rage." Her friend says, "Why would he be angry during sex?" The wife says, "Because he was looking through the window at us."



Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross." Jill said, "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me." So Jack said okay. Well, Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, that's gross." Jill said, "Come on. It'll be fun." So Jack said okay, and they had a great time. After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said, "No, you're my sister, It would be gross." Jill said, "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore." So Jack said okay. They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said, "Come on, Jack, take me." Jack didn't argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured, "You're a lot lighter than dad."
Jack said back, "I know. Mom told me last night."




Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"



The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"



This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."



A man was complaining to a friend, "I had it all - money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman... then, poof! It was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out..."



Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?" His father quickly replied, "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed, to which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, **** him?"



A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected, "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring... That's my watch!"



Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time. First Soldier: Why did you join the army? Second Soldier: I didn't have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army? First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.




Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy Mike says, "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off." The second guy Steven says, "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast." The third guy Charles says, "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my **** out."

Kerrmudgeon

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!"

The husband, typically non romantic, replied,
"I am on the commode. Please advise."

Railroadman

We're off to a great start this week.

Back about Tuesday I thought of one I have not posted. Of course now that Friday is here I don't have a clue what it was! Thanks for the ones we have so far and I'll see if I can locate a few to contribute.

Railroadman

In the middle of a especially hot Alabama day, Bubba collapsed in the middle of the street. A group of people quickly gathered around him, offering advice.

"Give him some air," said one man.

"Give him a shot of whiskey," offered a little old lady.

"Bring him to a hospital," commented another man.

"Raise his feet," yelled out another.

As one suggestion followed another, Bubba finally sat up and said, "Will you all just keep quiet and listen to that sweet little lady?"

* * * *

Two Irishmen are in the Wild West. They enter Dodge City and notice a sign in a shop saying 'Indian scalps-$10 each.' They enter the shop and are given a rifle, ammunition and told that for every Indian scalp they bring back they will get $10.

So they go out into the desert and hide behind a rock beside an oasis in the hope that an Indian would come to drink. Sure enough, 10 minutes later a brave approaches on his horse and gets down to drink. Paddy shoots the Indian and goes over to scalp him.

Just as Paddy gets out his knife, Murphy looks up and sees up and sees Chief Geronimo and his 100,000 braves on a ridge. "Don't look now" says Murphy, "But we are about to become millionaires!"

* * * *

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she has a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks... And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"

Railroadman

Jesus and Moses come down to play a round of golf. They come to a hole with a water hazard near the front of the green.

Jesus says, "I'll hit my 5 iron to the green."

Moses says, "I'd recommend You use the three wood."

Jesus says impatiently, "I've watched Arnold Palmer for years and he always uses a 5 iron."

Moses replies, "Well, he played every day. This is your first time. I'd hit the 3 wood if I were you."

Jesus looks at Moses. "I formed Arnold Palmer in the womb. I gave him his gifts. Knowing that, you want me to hit a 3 wood?"

Moses says, "Suit yourself."

Jesus hits a great shot, but short, and it splashes right in the center of the water hazard. When they walk to the hazard, Jesus walks across the water and reaches down to retrieve his ball.

A course worker nearby looks on in amazement and asks Moses, "Who does that guy walking on the water think he is? Jesus Christ?"

Moses says, "No. He thinks he's Arnold Palmer.

Railroadman

The young blond secretary was describing her evening's exploits to a friend.

"After dinner,"she said, "he wanted to come back to my apartment, but I refused. I told him my mother would worry if I did anything like that."

"That was smart," her friend said, approvingly. "Then what happened?"

"He kept insisting, and I kept refusing," the secretary said. "You didn't weaken your resolve, did you?" asked the friend.

"Not one bit. In the end, we went to his apartment. I figured, let HIS mother worry."

ricks327

Renault and Ford have joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink, and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month, and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace when it becomes troublesome.

ricks327

Once, after mowing the lawn, I sat down and had a cold beer.


The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "it might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

out2kayak

Google when I was growing up:

Kerrmudgeon

best blonde joke.....

A blonde gets home from work early & hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.
She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.
'What's up?' she asks.
'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..
The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dealing, her four-year-old son comes up
And says, "Mommy Mommy Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe & she has no clothes on"
The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom right past her husband..
Rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.
'You rotten Bitch', she screams.
'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

_________________

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

GEM '62

Obama goes on a State visit to Israel . While he is on a tour of Jerusalem,

he has a fatal heart attack.


The undertakers tells the US diplomats: "You can have him shipped home for

$1 million or you can bury him here in the Holy Land for $1000."


The US diplomats go into a huddle and come back to the undertaker

and tell him they still want Obama flown home.


The undertaker is puzzled and asks: "Why would you spend $1 million

to get him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here in

this religious country and you would only spend $1000?"


One diplomat replied: "More than 2000 years ago a man died here,

was buried here, and just 3 days later he rose from the dead. We simply

can't take that risk".

64Corvette

A banker got confused about mathematics,
so he asks his secretary:
"If I give you $3 million less 17%, how much would you take off?"
She replies: "Everything sir, the dress, the shoes, bra and g-string."

64Corvette

The PhD. old professor got into the classroom to apply the university students a Philosophy exam.
On total silent attitude, he took a chair and put it right on the top of his desk.
Then he said: “Ok, you have to write the arguments that demonstrate this chair does not exist”.
Everyone in the class start to develop and write all kind of ideas and arguments. But, one of them, Ross, finish the exam in less than 15 seconds, gave it to the teacher and left the classroom. Everyone else stayed for two hours or so.
The big surprise occurred the next week, when the professor presented the students the results of the exam.
The only A+ was given to Ross.
When the rest of the class asked why, the teacher showed them the Ross’s exam. He only had written:
"What chair?"