Kerrmudgeon

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous...

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinnett County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious Behavior, public indecency and public intoxication.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop, 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I
Thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence . I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin??'

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said: 'A pumpkin?
**** ... Is it midnight already?'


The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

______________________________


Burning Rubber

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73-year-old man Planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The Courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her Honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a 12-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and nose plugs.
Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked, "What are those for?"
The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I Can't stand- the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber."

______________________________


Everyday dangers....


Today I was beaten up by a woman...!
I was in the elevator when that busty lady got in. I was staring at her *****, when she said “Would you please press 1”...
So I did. I don't remember much afterwards....
Recovery time 4 - 6 weeks.

steampunk c1

Mother in law

THIS IS SO TYPICAL OF IRISH MEN.......THEY HAVE A TENDENCY TO OVERLOOK THE OBVIOUS.





The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip.

I get home... and guess what I found ? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!

This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.


"Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation …......she never got your E-mail!"

steampunk c1

Subject: FW: Confessions of a Hooker.





















A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'



The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'



She said, 'I don't think you understand, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales . . '

steampunk c1

.





Jenny, a blonde
girl came skipping home from school one day.









"Mommy, Mommy," she
yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to
four, but I counted to 10.
See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9,
10!"





"Very good," said
her mother.





"Is it because I'm
blonde?" Jenny asked.





"Yes, it's because
you're blonde," said the mommy.





... The next day
the girl came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "We were
saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I
said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!"





"Very good, Jenny,"
said her mother.





"Is it because I'm
blonde, Mommy?"





"Yes, it's because
you're blonde."





The next day Jenny
came skipping home from school.
"Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we
were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat
chests, but I have these!"
And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of
36Cs.




















"Very good," said
her embarrassed mother.





"Is it because I'm
blonde, mommy?"





"No Honey, it's
because you're 24."

Kerrmudgeon

Kid logic.......

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.

The nun made a note, and posted it on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large
pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.

____________________________


Polish Pickle Slicer...

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he
had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his ***** in the
pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help
from the factory psychologist. After six months of intense therapy,
however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go
ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of
mind.

The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife,
Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened. For the
first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to
put his ***** in the pickle slicer. He went on to explain that today he
finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down
his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact *****. She
looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

Yossel replied, "I think she got fired, too."

____________________________

Thanks to Bill Schmit for a few this week.

Kerrmudgeon

A few for the visually oriented people......













http://i111.photobucket.com/albums/n...ps889f3730.jpg



:

Kerrmudgeon

Life in Paradise......

Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.' Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

'What are the greens fees?' grumbled Mike.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven; it is all free for you to enjoy.'

Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?'

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'

'No gym to work out at?' said Mike

'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.

'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again.'


Mike glared at Yvonne and said, 'You and your Feckin Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

steampunk c1

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off, otherwise they are all going to fall. They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

steampunk c1

Hi Robbie must be a synochronous thing. Yep summers on the way down under first car show last weekend still trying to post pics.

JayWay

Little Larry ...

A new teacher was trying to use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!
...................................

Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry, 'Giving up?'
....................................

The new math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
....................................

Larry’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"
........................................ ...

Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ... '

**************************************** ****

Limit all politicians to two terms.
One in office.
One in prison.
Detroit and Chicago already do this.

---------------------------------------------

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT LOVE OLD PEOPLE ...

A jet is making its final approach to St. John's Airport. The pilot comes on the intercom,
This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into St. John's Newfoundland. I want to
thank you all for flying with us today and hope you enjoy your stay on the "ROCK".

He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot can be heard saying to the pilot, So, Skip, whatcha got planned while we're on the Rock?

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel, take a mighty dump, then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge **** out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and give her a ride on the baloney pony all night long."

Aghast and amused, everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle, trying to figure out who this new stewardess is that the pilot's talking about.

Meanwhile, the new stewardess is seated at the very back of the plane. She is so embarrassed that she starts running toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over a little old lady's bag and down she goes.

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear ... He's gotta land the plane and take a **** first."
........................................ ........................................ .

If this brightened your day, don’t let it stop here. Pass it on with a smile. Keep spreading the cheer! Pass on to your friends!
________________________________________ _____________



LITTLE TONY ON MATH:

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you
shoot one of them, how many will be left ?" She calls on little TONY.

He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."

Then little TONY says, "I have a question for YOU."

"There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately
licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling
down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the
ice cream. Which one is married ?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one
that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

To which Little TONY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the
wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."


LITTLE TONY ON MATH:

Little TONY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father ?

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2x3,' " I said "6", replies TONY.

"But that's right !" says his dad.

"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2 ?"

"What's the damn difference ?" asks the father.

"That's what I said !"

LITTLE TONY ON ENGLISH:

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to
learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a
multi-syllable word ?"

TONY says, "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a *******."


LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR:

Little TONY was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go
to the bathroom.. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a **** !!"

The teacher replied, 'Now, TONY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this
situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the
word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.."

Little TONY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if you
had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN !"

LITTLE TONY ON GRAMMAR:

One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of
hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence
twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my
mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."

"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

"My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."

She said, "Excellent, Michael !" Then the teacher reluctantly called on
little TONY.

"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was
pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, just damn beautiful !'"


LITTLE TONY ON GETTING OLDER:

Little TONY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know
eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your
teeth, and make you fat."

Little TONY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time ?"

Little TONY answered, "No, he minded his own damn business."


I LOVE Little Tony !!!!!


Jay

ricks327

Well, I am glad I have finally been able to resolve this Camel Toe issue to everyone's satisfaction.

Railroadman

Add on to Steampunk's post:

Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

Cops only have to deal with one, or at the most two, different cases at a time.

Any time there is a motor vehicle collision, even on flat pavement, one of the vehicles will mysteriously launch high up into the air.

Any time a car goes over a cliff, it will always erupt in a giant fireball.

Railroadman

The front door was accidentally left open and our dog was gone. After unsuccessfully whistling and calling, my wife got in the car and went looking for him.

She drove around the neighborhood for some time with no luck.

Finally she stopped beside a couple out for a walk and asked if they had seen our dog.

“You mean the one following your car?” they asked.

Railroadman

The 9 stages of life:

Not old enough to know better.
Old enough to know better.
Not old enough to know.
Old enough to know.
Not old enough.
Old enough.
Not old.
Old.
Not.

63redvette

You two are killing me!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am LMAO so hard I cannot even breathe! Those are going forward to the family fathers for sure.

ricks327

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and that they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.

Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

Railroadman

Except we all know it's Little Johnny, not Tony! The name has been changed to protect the guilty!

The teacher says, “Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today.” Little Johnny says to himself, “Good, I want to get outta here. I'm clever - that answer's mine.”

The teacher asked, “Who said Four Score and Seven Years Ago?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, “Abraham Lincoln”, The teacher said, “That's right, Susie, you can go. “

Johnny was mad. Susie had answered first.

The teacher asked, “Who said, I Have a Dream?” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, “Martin Luther King”. The teacher said, “That's right, Mary, you can go”.

Johnny was even madder than before. Mary had answered first.

The teacher asked, “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you?’” Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, “John Kennedy”. The teacher said, “That's right, Nancy, you can go”.

Johnny was fuming. Nancy had answered first.

As the teacher sat down, Johnny muttered, “I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut”. The shocked teacher asked, “Who said that?”

Johnny jumped up and shouted, “Herman Cain. See you Monday”.

stellar

we were doubly blessed this week with a joust of the jesters.