Kerrmudgeon

I hope all of you are watching the U.S.A. vs CANADA Olympic hockey semi final today.....should be a great final on Sunday.


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A Nova Scotia love story......

Alan and Sandra lived at Peggy’s Cove, Nova Scotia.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, "Nah, just put it on our tab. Old man Stacey won't mind."
So Sandra, being the good wife, walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she asked, "Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey's store, when we can pay for it.
Why didn't you just give me some money?"
Alan replied, "Well, Sandra, I didn't want to send you out there with cash when I wasn't sure how thick the ice was!"

A love story like this almost brings tears to my eyes . . . . . . .

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A Blonde in flight...

This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls out a May-Day.

"May-Day! May-Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

She hears a voice over the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.
I will talk you through this and Get you back on the ground.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine!

Now give me your height and position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice on the radio....

"Repeat after me: Our Father... Who art in Heaven..."

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The Bathing Suit

While shopping for vacation clothes, a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits.
It had been 10 years and 30 pounds since the wife had even considered buying a bathing suit, so she sought her husband's advice.
"What do you think?" Asked the wife. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get the bikini," he replied.
"You'd never get it all in one."

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U MAY be a muslim.....

Funny, it's ok to make jokes about Catholics, the Pope, Jews, the Irish, the Italians, the Polish etc etc,
But its insensitive to make jokes about Muslims.
The sooner we are all on same level playing field the better.

1. If you refine heroin for a living,
But you have a moral objection to liquor,
You may be a Muslim.

2. If you own a £3,000 machine gun and a £5,000 rocket launcher,
But you can't afford shoes,
You may be a Muslim.

3. If you have more wives than teeth,
You may be a Muslim.

4. If you wipe your *** with your bare hand
But consider bacon to be unclean,
You may be a Muslim.

5. If you think vests come in two styles:
Bullet-proof and suicide.
You may be a Muslim

6. If you can't think of anyone
You haven't declared jihad against,
You may be a Muslim.

7. If you consider television dangerous
But routinely carry explosives in your clothing,
You may be a Muslim.

8. If you were amazed to discover that cell phones
Have uses other than setting off roadside bombs,
You may be a Muslim.

9. If you have nothing against women
And think every man should own at least four,
You may be a Muslim.

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MALE LOGIC... FLAWLESS

Critical Thinking
At Its Best!

Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which
puts your spending each month at $450.
In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:No

Man:
Where's your Ferrari?

_______________________________

steampunk c1

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed a Muslim sneaking through my next door neighbor's garden. Suddenly my neighbor came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.. He then began to dig a grave with the shovel. Astonished I got back into bed.
My wife said, 'Lou, you're shaking, what is it?'
'You'll never believe what I've just seen' I said, 'That Bastard next door still has my shovel'.

steampunk c1

Now there was a smart young fellow, if it's true....




This is a story of a 16 year-old boy from Tamworth who won the World's Shortest Essay competition.
He was awarded a scholarship at the University of Sydney for his imagination and humour…Here it is…
Shortest Essay:

An English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
1. Religion
2. Royalty
3. Physical Disability
4. Racism
5. Homosexuality

The prize-winner wrote:
'My God,' cried the Queen, 'That one-legged coon is a poofter’.

steampunk c1

A Blonde goes to Heaven.
An Aussie Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter met her at the Pearly Gates.
'I'm sorry, 'St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of godly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the Blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the Blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?
The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year'?

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the Blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the Blonde and asked if she had considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the letter T?'

The Blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions' St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'
The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'
'Only twelve' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'
'Easy,' said the Blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds.'

St Peter looked at the Blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer.'
'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'
'It's Andy.'
'Andy??'
'Yes, Andy,' said the Blonde.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the Blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled.'

And the Blonde entered Heaven..?

... you're singing it now, aren't you…??

steampunk c1

One day a man decided to retire...




He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.






He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.






After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.






In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my fishing boat sank."


"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in a volcanic vent I found just down island, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small hand built wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree

house.




While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Jack Daniels neat?"


Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,


"I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."


No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"

When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but a bandana around her blonde locks and some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of coconut oil. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you had a really good ride?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,



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"You've built a Harley?”

GEM '62

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The supermarket manager's daughter brought the teacher
a basket of assorted fruit.

The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers.

The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit..She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Is it wine?" she guessed.

"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and
asked, "Champagne?"


"No," said the little boy............."It's a puppy!"

GEM '62

She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys

I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a parachute club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old, and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a membership card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!

This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week."

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that she had fainted.

Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

Kerrmudgeon

....I've got my licence!









Sorry guys down south, Canada won by one point! On to Sunday and the Swedes for the gold.

Railroadman

Well, congrats on the win! Naturally I was pulling for our guys but that's why they play, to find out! We can't very well expect a medal if we can't get the puck in the net!

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

“Would you look at that!” says the first Irishman.

“Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth then a rabbi appears at the door,
knocks, and goes inside.

“Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!”

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi, when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.

“Ah, now dat’s sad.” says the third Irishman.

“One of the girls must have died.”

ricks327

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look
after her neighbor's male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs
apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful
howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs
locked together, in apparent pain and unable to disengage, as usually happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although
it was late, she called the Vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then
call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his
erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"It just worked on me," he replied.

1955 copper

Irish Compassion




A man was sitting on a blanket at the
beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women from England, Wales, and Ireland were walking past and
felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?' The man said, 'No,'
so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?' The man said, 'No,'
So she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Irish woman came to him and said, 'ave ya ever been fooked, Laddie?'
The man broke into a big smile and said,`no´.
She said, 'Aye - Ya will be when the tide comes in!

out2kayak

Not that I am a bird fan, but...

steampunk c1

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!!"

steampunk c1

How do you tell if your Lada is made by prisoners or ordinary underpaid Russian workers?

The car assembled by prisioners has nothing missing.

steampunk c1

bloke was driving up the motorway in his Lada.

Suddenly there is a pop and a bang and the Lada starts to loose speed quickly so he pulls off to the hard shoulder.

A few minutes later a Porsche pulls up in front of them and a bloke jumps out.

"Do you want a tow mate?"he says, "Yes please" the Lada driver replies.

"Ok, but if I go too fast put your indicator on."

So the two men set off and after about ten minutes a Ferrari pulls up alongside the Porsche and they start to race, forgetting the poor Lada behind.

Finally they take an exit to a little village and zoom past a little pub with a man standing outside it with his pint in his hand.

This bloke runs inside to his friends and blurts out;

"You'll never guess what I have just seen!

I saw a Ferrari and Porsche racing at 200mph - and a Lada indicating to overtake!"

steampunk c1

‘My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy who did it?” She said, “No, but I got the licence plate.

steampunk c1

A lady who had been married for several years was growing more and more frustrated at her husband's lack of interest in sex. She wondered about ways to add some pizzazz to their relationship, and finally decided to purchase some crotchless underwear she had seen in a lingerie shop. One evening when she was feeling particularly desirous, and he was, as usual, watching television, she took a shower, freshened up, and donned the crotchless undies, and a slinky negligee. She then strolled between her husband and the television, and suggestively tossed one leg up on his chair arm. 'Want some of this?' she purred. 'Are you kidding?' he replied. 'Look what it did to your underwear'

Bowtyeguy

Lincoln and Reagan tied at #1

23 tied at #2


18 tied at # 3


Jimmy Carter #4


Barrack Obama #5

jerry gollnick

Cant we escape politics ANYWHERE? Let's keep this stuff off our forum.

ricks327

DEATH OF THE OLD COW

Suddenly, a cow runs out into the road, and a limo driving late at night, hits it head-on and the car comes to a stop.

The woman in the back seat - in her usual abrasive manner, says to the chauffeur,
"You get out and check on that poor cow. You were driving."

So the chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead, but it appeared to be very old.

Well, says the woman, "You were driving, so you go and tell the farmer in that lighted farmhouse over there."

Two hours later the chauffeur returns totally inebriated, a full belly, his hair ruffled, and a big grin on his face. "My God, what happened to you?" asks the woman.

The chauffeur replies, "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt scotch, the wife gave me a meal fit for a king, and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks the woman. Well, I just knocked on the door, and when it opened, I said to them,

"I'm Nancy Pelosi's chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow."