Kerrmudgeon

Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there this Sunday. And guys, remember to treat the Moms in your life special on that day.
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The Vocabulary of a Mother

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the children would care to order a dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you're angry with him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Whodunit: None of the children who live in your house.
Bottle-feeding: An opportunity for Daddy to get up at 2 am.

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Turning The Knife

While assembling furniture, Liz asked her friend's six-year-old son, Ricky, to bring her a screwdriver.
'Do you want a 'Daddy' screwdriver or a 'Mummy' screwdriver?' Ricky politely inquired.

Confused by the question, Liz responded with, 'Bring me a 'Mummy' screwdriver.'
Ricky returned and handed her a butter knife.

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Motherly advice...

Over the centuries mothers have given their children plenty of good advice...

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: I don't care what you've discovered, Christopher. You could have written.

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: Mike, can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: All right, Napoleon. If you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it.

GOLDILOCKS'S MOTHER: I've got a bill here for a broken chair from the Bear family. Do you know anything about this Goldie?

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!

HUMPTY DUMPTY'S MOTHER: Humpty, If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times not to sit on that wall. But would you listen to me? No!

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Dermot's Story

Dermot McCann forgot his lines in a Sunday school play. Luckily his is mother was in the front row especially to prompt him.

She gestured and formed the words silently with her lips, but it did not help. Dermot's memory was completely blank. Finally, she leaned forward and whispered the cue, 'I am the light of the world.'

Dermot beamed and with great feeling and a loud clear voice announced, 'My mother is the light of the world.'

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"Mother" facts and bits...

- I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
- 80.5 million are the number of mothers of all ages in the USA.
- 81% of women between 40 and 44 are mothers.
- Women expect to have 2 children in their lifetime.
- Working mothers are guinea pigs in a scientific experiment to show that sleep is not necessary to human life.
- Parents often talk about the younger generations as if they didn't have anything to do with it.
- A mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after. - Peter De Vries
- God could not be everywhere and therefore he made mothers. A Jewish Proverb
- There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. Chinese Proverb
-A man loves his sweetheart the most, his wife the best, but his mother the longest. Irish Proverb

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A Mother of a Small Boy Says...

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house, 4 inches deep.
A 3-year old boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh' , it's already too late.
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
Super glue is forever.
No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
The fire department in Austin, Texas has a 5-minute response time.
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
It will, however, make cats dizzy.
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

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What My Mother Taught Me...

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you".

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Kerrmudgeon

Little rotten Johnny...

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.

She explained, "I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today."

The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

"Marcy," the teacher said. "You may go first."

Marcy replied, "My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny."

The teacher said, "Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?"

Kevin stood up and announced, "My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie."

"Very good," the teacher told Kevin.

Jeff was next, and he said, "My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no..."

Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.

Johnny said, "My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell "accountant."



Teacher teacher...

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Mary," says the teacher, "but the sky can also be gray or white."

Sam raises his hand and states, "Grass is definitely green."

The teacher says, "That's good, Sam, but grass can be brown, too."

Little rotten Johnny raises his hand and asks, "Do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "No Johnny, why do you ask that?"

Little Johnny replies, "Well, I definitely **** my pants."



Learning your lesson...

Barely a week after lecturing poor little Johnny about copying off other children's papers in class, Principal Nick calls the poor little tyke back into his office.

"Don't panic, Johnny. I'm not going to suspend you again," says the Principal. That of course is another story.

"I just wanted to see if you'd learned your lesson about copying other peoples work."

Principal Nick waited while the tiny miscreant fidgeted and squirmed in his chair. Finally with a toothy grin and a telltale smirk, that being another story entirely, little Johnny spoke up.

"Yes sir, I've learned my lesson. No more stealing from others. In fact, instead I'm writing a book about the whole experience," Johnny said with an air of innocence,

"Its entitled War and Peace."

Kerrmudgeon

A young woman walks into a bar... and sits down next to a man wearing a cowboy hat. "Excuse me sir but are you a real cowboy?"
The man says, "Well I have a ranch and horses. I go to rodeos and raise cattle and other livestock, so yes I suppose I'm a real cowboy."
The woman says, "Well I think I'm a lesbian. Women are always on my mind whether I'm working eating driving or whatever its still the same. I cant get women off my mind. Yes I think I'm a lesbian." The young woman gets up and leaves the coffee shop.
A short time later a young guy comes in and sits down next to the man and asks him, "Sir are you a real cowboy?" To that the man replies, "Well I always thought I was, but just a few minutes ago I found out I'm a lesbian!"



Q: Why don't witches wear underwear?
A: For a better grip on there broomstick!

Kerrmudgeon

Bill Schmit sent along this little gem of an actual Australian school's answer machine.....

Kerrmudgeon

so, a pirate walks into a bar...

and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do ye mean?" said the pirate, "me feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I gots hit with a cannon ball, but me fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and gots into a sword fight. Me hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook,... but I am fine - really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over I looked up and one of them pooped in me eye. "

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was me first day with the hook."

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

An African leader makes an official trip to Russia.
At the end of the trip, the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called
"Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.

The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the
trigger...CLICK...empty chamber.

He hands the revolver to his African guest, and says, "Your turn." Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual ... CLICK...empty.

The next year, the Russian visits the African country.

At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage.

The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."

The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen.

The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.

Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"

"One of them is a cannibal"



A man was riding his Harley along a California beach when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish..'



The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'



The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women; I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent
treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?'





Tim was teeing off from the back tees. On his downswing, he suddenly realized that his wife, Mary, was about to tee off from the red tees, directly in his path. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed Mary in the right temple, killing her instantly.

A few days later, Tim received a call from the coroner. "Tim, your wife died from blunt force trauma to the head. You said that you hit a golf ball which struck her in the temple. Is that correct?"

"Yes sir," Tim replied, "that's correct."

"Well John, I also found a large bruise on Mary's right hip. Do you know anything about that?"

"Yes sir," said Tim. "That would have been my mulligan."





Kids fishing
Barrack Obama was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he
tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the river below.



Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, 3 kids who were fishing
pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids
whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, 'I want to go to Disney World & Barrack said, 'No
problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One.'

The second kid said, 'I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordan shoes.
Barrack said, 'I'll get them for you and even have Michael Jordan sign
them.'

The third kid said, ' I want a motorized wheelchair with a built in TV
and stereo headset.'

Barrack was a little perplexed by this and said, 'But you don't look
like you're handicapped.



The kid said, 'I will be after my dad finds out I saved you from
drowning.'




Manure... An interesting fact
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course.. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. 
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening 

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I. 

I had always thought it was a golf term



My new book
I have been very busy over the past year putting my thoughts and ideas together in a book. I am very proud of the results and to assist with the marketing, I am asking friends and family to help me out. I believe my new book on golf gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of struggle and experience. .

The cost is only $29.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email. Don't wait until they're all gone.

Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt

Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Nike from the Rough, when You Hit a Titleist from the Tee

Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker

Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank

Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger

Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings

Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management

Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.

Chapter 9 - How to Rationalize a 6 Hour Round

Chapter 10- When Does A Divot become classified as Sod

Chapter 11 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water

Chapter 12 - Why your Spouse Doesn't Care That You Birdied the 5th...

Chapter 13 - Using Curse words Creatively to Control Ball Flight

Chapter 14 - When to Let a Foursome Play through Your Twosome

Chapter 15 - How to Relax When You Are Hitting five off the Tee

Chapter 16 - When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent

Chapter 17 - God and the Meaning of the Birdie-to-Bogey Three Putt

Chapter 18 - When to Regrip Your Ball Retriever

Chapter 19- Throwing Your Clubs: An Effective Stress-Reduction Technique

Chapter 20 - Can You Purchase a Better Golf Game?

Chapter 21 - Why Male Golfers Will Pay $5.00 a Beer from the Cart Girl and give her a $3 Tip , but will balk at paying $2.50 for one at the 19th Hole and Stiff the Bartender.

Thanking you in advance for your order.



A husband and wife are on the 9th green when suddenly she collapses from a heart attack!

"Help me dear," she groans to her husband.

The husband calls 911 on his cell phone, talks for a few minutes, picks up his putter, and lines up his putt.

His wife raises her head off the green and stares at him.

"I'm dying here and you're putting?"

"Don't worry dear," says the husband calmly, "they found a doctor on the second hole and he's coming to help you.

"Well, how long will it take for him to get here?" she asks feebly.

"No time at all," says her husband. "Everybody's already agreed to let him play through."

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A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular; your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course.

What's your secret?"

Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."

___________________________


A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"

The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."

The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.

The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church, when we pray, we keep our head down."

___________________________


Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody
3-iron standing over a lifeless man.

The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"

"Yes" says the woman.

"Did you hit him with that golf club?""Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know -- put me down for a five."

___________________________


A golfer teed up his ball on the first tee, took a mighty swing and hit his ball into a clump of trees. He found his ball and saw an opening between 2 trees he thought he could hit through.

Taking out his 3-wood, he took a mighty swing. The ball hit a tree, bounced back, hit him in the forehead and killed him.

As he approached the gates of Heaven, St. Peter asked, "Are you a good golfer?"

The man replied: "Got here in two, didn't I?

___________________________


The bride was escorted down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs at his side.

She said: "What are your golf clubs doing here?"

He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?"

MAD IN NC

DEEP THOUGHT OF THE DAY
Some people are like slinkies,
They don't really have a purpose,
But they still bring a smile to your face
When you push them down the stairs.

64Corvette

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."

"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"Eighty dollars per visit", replied the doctor.

"I'll sleep on it", I said

Six months later the doctor met me on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?" he asked.

"Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought myself a new pickup truck."

"Is that so? " he said with a bit of an attitude, "And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now."


FORGET THE SHRINKS; HAVE A DRINK AND TALK TO A BARTENDER!

ricks327

My Resimay

To hoom it mae consern,

I waunt to apply for the job what I saw in the paper.

I can Type reale quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting..

I think I am good on the phone and I no I am a pepole person,
Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety.

My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start emeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

BRIANNA

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a picktere of me.














Employer's response:

Dear Brianna ,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check.


See you Monday.

out2kayak

Railroadman

I was asked to think of something good about Switzerland. Of course I noted that their flag is a big plus.

out2kayak

plaidside

man brings his best mate home for dinner unannounced at 5:45 p.m. after
work.

His wife begins screaming at him, as his friend just sits and listens.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes aren't
done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!
What the hell did you bring him home for?

"Because he's thinking of getting married!"

dahogan

Daddy, can Clayton drive us to the prom in your corvette?

Railroadman

Railroadman

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer and a software engineer are riding in a car when if comes to a complete stop, dead on the side of the road. They all sit there a minute.

The EE says, "You know I'm sure this is an electrical problem, I'll have a look."

The ME says "No, before you do that, I'm quite sure it's mechanical. I better have a quick look."

The software engineer says, "Hey guys, here's what we'll do. Let's close all the windows and get out. Then let's get back in and see if it will start up."

Kerrmudgeon

....best joke of the day!

dahogan

It actually happened 2 years ago......a priceless moment.

iamq

I give my son credit for asking, but he still got the big...NO