Kerrmudgeon

Happy Halloween everyone! let's see if there are any spooky stories out there???
________________________________________ __________




You're An EXTREME Redneck When...



1 You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

2 The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

3 You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4 You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different
night.

5 You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.

6 Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, watch
this.'

7 You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

8 Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

9 Your junior prom offered day care.

10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start
your engines.'

11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.

12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your
spouse.

13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of
Tattoos.

16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.

17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.



And in closing....

Two good ol' boys in a Alabama trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Nissan
plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even!"

thanks Gary_______________________________


Holloweenie Party.....

A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished ,naturally, since he was her husband.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.

So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had..

He said: 'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.'
- 'Did you dance much ?'

“I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening.

But I lent my costume to your brother, and you won’t BELIEVE what happened to him!”

________________________________________ _


Jews sank the Titanic

The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese.. .'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'


'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'

There's a few minutes of silence...
'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'

'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all frucking same!!'

________________________________________ _______


Crazy but true DisneyWorld stories...

As told by DisneyWorld employees themselves:

1. I was working in the kitchen at Cinderella’s Castle when this family of four came in for their dinner. About halfway through the dinner the husband politely stands up and taps his glass for attention. He announced that his wife of 15 years has been cheating on him for over a year. The entire place stood still in shock. He motioned for his kids, paid the waitress, and left the wife crying at the table.

2. In the dark of the theater [at Honey, I Shrunk the Audience ride], some girl decided this would be a good time to go down on her boyfriend. Little did she know, about halfway into the show, one of the effects is this little tube that comes wiggling out of the seat to simulate mice running by your legs. This hit her throat, she bit down, and the guy was bleeding pretty profusely.

3. Someone had left an abandoned bag at the base of Space Mountain for more than 15 minutes, so we followed the normal security procedures and they brought a bomb dog out to sniff it. When our Pluto came to check the bag, he sniffed it and then sat down, which signals there is something wrong with this bag. So we had to evacuate all of Tomorrowland, literally all of the attractions/stores/restaurants, and all the CMs (cast members) were standing at all the entrances freaking out because now of course we were sure a bomb was going to go off and we would all die.

Turned out that the backpack was just forgotten, full of carne asada burritos, and Pluto sat down because he thought he was getting a treat.

4. On Pirates of the Caribbean, a girl in the back row was seen on the security cams giving her boyfriend a blow job. As soon as he blew his load, she leaned over to spit it out, when the overhead PA boomed, “Not in the water.” She was so startled she swallowed.

5. I was a safari driver at the Kilimanjaro safari attraction in Animal Kingdom. We had this elephant named *****. ***** was an exhibitionist. I was driving a safari one day, spewing out facts about elephants when I hear a tiny voice from the back of the truck yell: MOOOOM! HE HAS FIVE LEGS!!! I turn, and sure enough, there's *****, standing with his five foot long dick just swaying in the Florida breeze. I had to turn my mic off, I was laughing so hard.

________________________________________ ___

MAD IN NC

A little Candy Bar humor for Halloween
One Payday Mr GoodBar was looking for a Bit-O-Honey. He found her behind the Powerhouse on the corner of 5th Avenue and Clark. He gave her a Kiss and began to feel her Mounds. This was an almond joy which made his Tootsie Roll. He let out a Snicker as he slipped his Butterfinger up her KitKat. This caused a Milky Way as he whispered to Baby Ruth she cried out Oh Henry you're better than the 3 Musketeers.






My Favorite Animal
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth! I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class, my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand.

My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where the f**k I am now?! ....


The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I love these touching stories, don't you!


The 5 Riddles...
THIS IS ONE OF THE BEST FIVE RIDDLES I HAVE SEEN...
THE ANSWERS ARE AT THE BOTTOM. RIDDLE 5 IS AMAZING. IT SHARPENS THOSE GENES IN YOUR BRAIN AND STALLS ALZHEIMER'S FOR YEARS ….

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, The second is full of Assassins with loaded guns, And the third is full of lions that haven't Eaten in 3 years.
Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes.
Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out Together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together.
How can this be?

3. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and grey when you throw it away ?

4. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Wednesday, Friday, or Sunday?

5. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious as to just how quickly you Can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so ordinary and plain that you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing Is wrong with it! It is highly unusual though. Study it and think about It, but you still may not find anything odd but if you work at it a bit, You might find out. Try to do so without any coaching!

THE ANSWERS TO ALL FIVE THE RIDDLES ARE BELOW:
Answers:
1. The third room Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead. That one was easy, right?
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry (shot; held under water; and hung).
3. Charcoal, as it is used in barbecuing.
4. Sure you can name three consecutive days, yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
5. The letter "e" which is the most common letter used in the English Language, does not appear even once in the paragraph.

I’ll be getting Alzheimer’s any time now. How did you do?


Have you ever wondered......?
......who first uttered the phrase "You Gotta Be ******* Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading. Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware. Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him. The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman. A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there. Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well General, you have come to the right place. We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?

Washington replied, 'Well Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters.'
And the Madam said, 'You gotta be ******* me.'



Thoughts on Sex
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.” -Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL." -Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." -Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." -George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship." -Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." -Tiger Woods

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." -Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." -Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." -Robin Williams

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place" -Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." -Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" -Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!" -Jerry Seinfeld

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a *****, and only enough blood to run one at a time.” -Robin Williams

"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." -Joan Rivers

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." -Steve Martin

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." -Elmo Phillips

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." -Oscar Wilde

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." -George Burns

Just quotes by known people, mostly comedian





Why We Love Children .......
1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. 'How do you know that the cat was dead?' she asked her pupil. 'Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move,' answered the child innocently. 'You did WHAT?' the teacher exclaimed in surprise. 'You know,' explained the boy, 'I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move'

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.....'Da-ad....'
'What?'
'I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?'
'No, You had your chance. Lights out.'
Five minutes later: 'Da-aaaad.....'
'WHAT?'
'I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??'
' I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!'
Five minutes later.......'Daaaa-aaaad.....'
'WHAT!'
'When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?'

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,nfinally asked him 'How do you expect to get into Heaven?'

The boy thought it over and said, 'Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!''

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, 'Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?'
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.'I can't dear,' she said. 'I have to sleep in Daddy's room.' A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: 'The big sissy.'

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon.
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, 'That is a very pretty dress.

Is it your Easter Dress?' The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, 'Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron.'

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, 'Mummy, you are getting fat!' I replied, 'Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.'

'I know,' she replied, but what's growing in your bum?'

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, 'Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine....'

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, 'What are you doing?' The little boy answered, 'I'm doing my math homework, Mum.'

'And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?' the mother asked 'Yes,' he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, 'What are you teaching my son in math?'

The teacher replied, 'Right now, we are learning addition.' The mother asked, 'And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?'

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, 'What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.'

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.. She read, '... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, 'The sky is falling, the sky is falling!'

The teacher paused then asked the class, 'And what do you think that farmer said?'
One little girl raised her hand and said, 'I think he said: 'Holy ****! A talking chicken!''
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter.'
Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, 'I'm Jane Sugarbrown.'
The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, 'Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?'
She replied, 'I thought I was, but mother says I'm not.'

10. A little girl asked her mother, 'Can I go outside and play with the boys?'
Her mother replied, 'No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough.'
The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?'

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her,
'Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin..' She says, 'Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get ***** too.'


Now keep that smile on your face and pass it on to someone else!!
Time goes so fast, life asks so much; no wonder friends get out of touch.
"Friendship" stays forever green!

Kerrmudgeon

BIOLOGY EXAM:

This is straight from Scotland. Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk'. The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:

1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck.
Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it.

He got an A.

_____________________________________

The calling.....

A photographer on vacation was inside a church taking photographs when he
noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read
'$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the
telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same
golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he
asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he
could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington, Philadelphia, Boston, and New York.

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada, and again, in the first church he entered, there was
the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '50 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked a priest about the sign. 'Father,
I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in the US
the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?'

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'



_____________________________________


YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2014...

when...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television has a Web site at the
bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it !

10. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there
wasn't a #9 on this list .

~~~~~~~~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW you're LAUGHING at yourself! Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused!" (Unknown Author)

thanks Bill _______________________________________


Grandma's Thanksgiving Invitation....

Dear Family,

I'm not dead yet. Thanksgiving is still important to me. If being in my Last Will and Testament is important to you, then you might consider being with me for my favorite holiday.

Dinner is at 2:00.
NOT 2:15
NOT 2:05
Two 2:00

Arrive late and you get what's left over.

Last year, that moron Marshall fried a turkey in one of those contraptions and practically burned the deck off the house. This year, the only peanut oil used to make the meal will be from the secret scoop of peanut butter I add to the carrot soup.

Jonathan, your last new wife was an idiot. You don't arrive at someone's house on Thanksgiving needing to use the oven and the stove. Honest to God, I thought you might have learned after two wives - date them longer and save us all the agony of another divorce.

Now, the house rules are slightly different this year because I have decided that 47 percent of you don't know how to take care of nice things. Paper plates and red Solo cups might be bad for the environment, but I'll be gone soon and that will be your problem to deal with.

House Rules:

1. The University of Texas no longer plays Texas A&M. The television stays off during the meal.

2. The "no cans for kids" rule still exists. We are using 2 liter bottles because your children still open a third can before finishing the first two. Parents can fill a child's cup when it is empty. All of the cups will have names printed on them and I'll be paying close attention to refills.

3. Chloe, last year we were at Trudy's house and I looked the other way when your Jell-O salad showed up. This year, if Jell-O salad comes in the front door it will go right back out the back door with the garbage. Save yourself some time, honey. You've never been a good cook and you shouldn't bring something that wiggles more than you. Buy something from the bakery.

4. Grandmothers give grandchildren cookies and candy. That is a fact of life. Your children can eat healthy at your home. At my home, they can eat whatever they like as long as they finish it.

5. I cook with bacon and bacon grease. That's nothing new. Your being a vegetarian doesn't change the fact that stuffing without bacon is like egg salad without eggs. Even the green bean casserole has a little bacon grease in it. That's why it tastes so good. Not eating bacon is just not natural. And as far as being healthy, look at me. I've outlived almost everyone I know.

6. Salad at Thanksgiving is a waste of space.

7. I do not like cell phones. Leave them in the car.

8. I do not like video cameras. There will be 32 people here. I am sure you can capture lots of memories without the camera pointed at me.

9. Being a mother means you have to actually pay attention to the kids. I have nice things and I won't put them away just because company is coming over. Mary, watch your kids and I'll watch my
things.

10. Rhonda, a cat that requires a shot twice a day is a cat that has lived too many lives. I think staying home to care for the cat is your way of letting me know that I have lived too many lives
too. I can live with that. Can you?

11. Words mean things. I say what I mean. Let me repeat: when I say, "You don't need to bring anything," means you don't need to bring anything. And if I did tell you to bring something, bring it in the quantity I said. Really, this doesn't have to be difficult.

12. Dominos and cards are better than anything that requires a battery or an on/off switch. That was true when you were kids and it's true now that you have kids

13. Showing up for Thanksgiving guarantees presents at Christmas. Not showing up guarantees a card that may or may not be signed.

In memory of your grandfather, the back fridge will be filled with beer. Drink until it is gone. I prefer wine anyway. But one from each family needs to be the designated driver.

I really mean all of the above.

Love you,
Grandma

_____________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

And now, to get you in the mood for the scary kiddies coming to your door tonight........

vic z

Still think of you guys: Here is my contribution to the weekend funnies !!

VERN'S FUNERAL

Vern works hard at the Phone Company but spends
Two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every
Saturday.
His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard,
So for his birthday she takes him to a local
Strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Vern! How ya doin?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to
This club before.

"Oh no," says Vern. "He's in my bowling league ."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Vern
If he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
And says, "How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her
Arms around Vern, starts to rub herself all
Over him and says...
"Hi Vern. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Vern's wife, now furious,
Grabs her purse and
Storms out of the club.
Vern follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in
Beside her.

Vern tries desperately to explain how the stripper
Must have mistaken him for someone else,
But his wife is having none of it
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
Calling him every 4 letter word in the book..
The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Vern, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

VERN'S FUNERAL WILL BE HELD
THIS COMING FRIDAY.

azmusclecar

My small contribution goes as follows.........


A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.

The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.



Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:



1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.



Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.



Thought you'd like to know.

Railroadman

Halloween time means it's almost election day. And election time always makes me remember my late Uncle Walt. He was a staunch conservative, and always voted straight Republican right up until his death in his Chicago home 15 years ago at age 95.

Ever since then, he has voted straight Democrat.

Kerrmudgeon

A Halloween prank....pretty well done too. It would probably scare the crap outta me as well.














.

LabRat

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?' They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.' Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.''Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
He says, 'So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?'
She says, 'Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.'
The priest says, 'Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?'
She says, 'That he did, Father.'
The priest says, 'What did he ask, Mary?'
She says, 'He said, Please Mary, put down that damn gun.....'
--------------------------------------------------------------------
AND THE BEST FOR LAST . . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

64Corvette

The robbery




>
>> The masked robber burst into the bank and forced the tellers to load a
>> sackful of cash.
>> On his way out, a customer grabbed him and tore off his mask, revealing
>> his
>> face. The robber shot him dead without a moment's hesitation. He then
>> looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking
>> straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the
>> bank, now terrified,
>> looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, " Well,
>> anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of terrified silence.
>> Then, one old farmer tentatively raised his hand and said,
>>
>> "My wife got a pretty good look at ya...
>>

out2kayak

Vetterway

This Arkansas couple asked, if we get a divorce, can we still be cousins?

64Corvette

Old cowboys...they don't make em that way anymore



Some old cowboys were hanging around the campfire somewhere out in the Four Corners area, and with the pride for which these men were famous, it was a night of bravado,rot gut whiskey, and many tall tales...


Rusty, the hand from Laramie, Wyoming says, "I must be the strongest,meanest, toughest cowboy there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral. It had gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns with my bare hands and castrated that sucker with my teeth."



Snake River Tom, from Idaho, couldn't stand to be bested. "That's nothing, I was walking down the trail yesterday and a 15 foot diamondback rattler slid out from under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that bastard with my bare hands, bit off its head, and sucked the poison down in one gulp - didn't even get a belly ache."




Old Tom , the cowboy from Texas, remained silent, slowly stirring the campfire coals with his pecker...

64Corvette

Double post, sorry

63redvette

And Texas cowboys are so tough they ********** with SAND.

Kerrmudgeon

Russian Tampax commercial....

out2kayak

Too bad that, as Newsweek claims, "We Are All Socialists Now":



A bit of vodka comrade?

Railroadman

Oh, I thought maybe he was double-jointed.