Kerrmudgeon

Aye laddies, dunna forget to include a few Scots quips or limericks, as we celebrate the Bard's birthday on Sunday the 25th....
________________________________________ _________



The was an old man of the isles
Who suffered severely from piles
He couldn’t sit down
Without a deep frown
So he had to row standing for miles

Catriona, a pretty young lass
Had a truly magnificent ***.
Not rounded and pink
As you possibly think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.


There was a young Scotsman named Fisher
Who was fishing for fish in a fissure.
Then a cod, with a grin,
Pulled the fisherman in.
Now they're fishing the fissure for Fisher.


There once was a fellow McSweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie
Just to be couth
He added vermouth
Then slipped his girlfriend a martini


There once was a fellow O'Doole
Who found little red spots on his tool
His Doctor a cynic
said Get out of me clinic,
And wipe off that lipstick you fool!

____________________________________

Girls being girls....

Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterwards, wearing a grey Chanel number. After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.
Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of London's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal.

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy.

Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect *****.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco, they live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

________________________________________ _


Some more odes to the light haired lassies.....

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland.
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.

FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooo, can you see Florida?'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the
mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take my license away,
and now today you expect me to show it to you?'

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger,
pushed on her left shoulder and screamed,
then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

BLONDE ON TIME
A girl was visiting her blonde friend,
who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said,
'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'Helllooooo. . . ,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
In the swim-meet, after the blond came in last competing in the breast-stroke, she complained to the judges that “all the other girls were using their arms.”

________________________________________

Kerrmudgeon

Taking a woman to bed...

At 8

You take her to bed and tell her a story

**************************************** ********** *********************************

At 18

You tell her a story and take her to bed

**************************************** ********** *********************************

At 28

You don't need to tell her a story
to take her to bed

**************************************** ********** *********************************

At 38
She tells you a story and takes you to bed

**************************************** ********** *********************************

At 48

She tells you a story to avoid going to bed

**************************************** ********** *********************************

At 58

You stay in bed to avoid her story

**************************************** ********** *********************************

At 68

If you take her to bed, that'll be a story

**************************************** ********** *********************************

At 78

What story? What bed?
Who the heck are you

______________________________________


I have some good news and some bad news....

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: "I have some good news and, I have some bad news”.

The tycoon replies: "I've had an awful day, let's hear the good news first”.

The lawyer says: “Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million”.

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You've just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you making love to your secretary."

_______________________________________

Alternative treatment...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's too scared to cough!"

________________________________________ _

Kerrmudgeon

Shorties....

Imagine if your fridge did what you do to it everyday.

Every half hour it goes to your room opens the door, and stares at you for 5 minutes then leaves.



Robber: "Give me all your money. Otherwise you are chemistry! "
Person: " Don't you mean history? "
Robber: "Don't change the subject! "



Did you hear about the guy who walked into his psychiatrists office wrapped in nothing but Saran Wrap?

His therapist looked at him and said "I can clearly see you're nuts!".



Husband: What would you do if I won the lottery?
Wife: I'd take half and leave.
Husband: Well here's $6. Start packing.



Are all women claustrophobic.......?

Every one of them freaks out the minute I close the trunk.



Still funny....

A man comes home from a hard days work. Sees his wife packing her bags.

He says "Babe, what are ya doing?"

She says "I'm leaving you and moving to Las Vegas. I found out I can get $500 every time I have sex!!"

He grabs the other suitcase and starts packing.

She says "what are you doing?"

He says "I'm moving to Las Vegas too, I've got to see how you can live on $1,000 a year!"

MAD IN NC

Happy Birthday Robbie (Kerrmudgeon)!

more on Burns night....



Burns night celebrates the birthday of Scotland's finest poet. Robert Burns was born on 25th of January 25 1759. His father, William Burness was a tenant-farmer in Alloway near Ayr. Burns is often known as Rabbie Burns. Burns died in Dumfries on 21st of July, 1796.

History of Robbie Burns
As with most romantic poets, Burns had many love affairs. While he married Jean Armour, also wrote poetry about Eliza Burnett, for example: 'There has not been anything nearly like her in all the combinations of Beauty, Grace and Goodness the great Creator has formed, since Milton's Eve on the first day of her existence.'

Amongst Robert Burns works are: Auld Lang Syne, Comin' Thro' the Rye, Scots Wha Hae, A Red, Red Rose, The Banks o' Doon, and John Anderson, My Jo and Tam o'Shanter (shown below).

Robbie Burns Supper
A Burns supper is a celebration of the life and poetry of the poet Robert Burns, author of many Scots poems. The suppers are normally held on or near the poet's birthday, 25 January, sometimes also known as Robert Burns Day (or Robbie Burns Day[1] or Rabbie Burns Day) or Burns Night (Scots: Burns Nicht), although they may in principle be held at any time of the year.

Burns suppers are most common in Scotland and Northern Ireland, however, there has been a surge in Burns' Night celebrations in the UK events industry seeing the evening being celebrated outside their traditional confines of Burns Clubs, Scottish Societies, expatriate Scots, or aficionados of Burns' poetry. There is a particularly strong tradition of them in southern New Zealand's main city Dunedin, of which Burns' nephew Thomas Burns was a founding father.

The first suppers were held in memoriam at Ayrshire at the end of the 18th century by Robert Burns' friends on 21 July, the anniversary of his death, and have been a regular occurrence ever since. The first Burns club was founded in Greenock in 1801 by merchants born in Ayrshire, some of whom had known Burns. They held the first Burns supper on what they thought was his birthday, 29 January 1802, but in 1803 they discovered in Ayr parish records that his date of birth was 25 January 1759. Since then, suppers have been held on 25 January.

Burns suppers may be formal or informal. Both typically include haggis (a traditional Scottish dish celebrated by Burns in Address to a Haggis), Scotch whisky, and the recitation of Burns's poetry. Formal dinners are hosted by organisations such as Burns clubs, the Freemasons, or St Andrews Societies and occasionally end with dancing when ladies are present. Formal suppers follow a standard format.

The format for a Burns Supper ranges from formal gatherings of scholars, to uproarious rave-ups of drunkards. Most Burns Suppers fall in the middle ground, some literary tributes and a moderate amount of drinking. The better Robbie Burns suppers have a format of recitation of works by the Bard, followed by a traditional Scottish meal featuring a haggis, all washed down with Scotch whisky.

In our opion the secret of success is a good chairman to orchestrate the occasion with light and humorous touch. The other ingredient is a willingness of the audience to participate by way of reciting some of Burns verse, or by delivering humorous works of their own.

Tam O' Shanter
Here is part of one of Robert Burns' most famous poems:
When chapman billies leave the street, (chapman billies - peddlars)
And drouthy neibors, neibors, meet;
As market days are wearing late,
And folk begin to tak the gate,
While we sit bousing at the nappy,
An' getting fou and unco happy,
We think na on the lang Scots miles,
The mosses, waters, slaps and stiles,
That lie between us and our hame,
Where sits our sulky, sullen dame,
Gathering her brows like gathering storm,
Nursing her wrath to keep it warm.

This truth fand honest Tam o' Shanter,
As he frae Ayr ae night did canter:
(Auld Ayr, wham ne'er a town surpasses,
For honest men and bonie lasses).

--- (Omitted 18 verses) ---

Now, wha this tale o' truth shall read,
Ilk man and mother's son, take heed:
Whene'er to Drink you are inclin'd,
Or Cutty-sarks rin in your mind,
Think ye may buy the joys o'er dear;
Remember Tam o' Shanter's mare.


The Selkirk Grace - As First Given By Robbie Burns
Some hae meat and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it;
But we hae meat, and we can eat,
Sae let the Lord be thankit.

How to Grow Your Own Haggis
Haggis is best grown from cuttings from the parent tuber than from seeds. Make sure that you buy your haggis tuber from Scotland. Beware French, or Romanian imitations.

Take a sharp knife - my aunt used her tongue, but I wouldn't recommend that on hygiene grounds - and cut cubes of the haggis tuber 5cm square.

Take an old cup and fill it with sheep dung. Water liberally. After a week dust the bottom (the cutting's, not yours) with a rooting hormone powder. Buy the best 'Robbie Burns' compost and plant the cuttings in the compost. Place them on a radiator so that they get bottom heat.

After ten days, your haggis cuttings should sprout little white fingers. Transfer them to your conservatory, if you haven't got a conservatory, a garage works fine. At the end of the December harvest them, and put them in a dark cupboard for about 3 weeks. On Burns day cut open your Haggis and fill with a lambs stomach, oats, deer liver and a chopped onion. The final secret ingredient is a leg - it's your leg which I have just pulled!






A thoughtful Scottish husband
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'
She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'
'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

Funny Scottish Humour for a Burns Night Supper
It was only when researching these Scottish jokes that we remembered how dour, and mean the Scot's can be. Before people complain about stereotyping, all Will and Guy can say is that the material was provided by a Scotsman! This reveals that while Scots have elevated whinging to an art form, they have not lost the ability to laugh at themselves.

Cheap and cheerful lodgings

A lodger in a Scottish guest house in Milngavie, near Glasgow, was on his way to the bathroom carrying his shaving gear, when the landlady stopped him and said, 'Have you got a good memory for faces, Mr MacGregor?'
'Och aye,' Mac replied.
'That's just as well,' she said, 'because there's no mirror in the bathroom.'

Hostile Natives
MacTavish visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly.
'At 4 o'clock every morning,' he told a friend, 'they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Och, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.'

Job hunting in Scotland

'Are you looking for work Jock?'
'Not necessarily - but I'd like a job.'

Scotland - The home of golf
Sign at a Scottish golf course:
'Members will refrain from picking up lost ***** until they have stopped rolling.'

Canny Scots
 At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 [$20,000USD] and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £150.'

Scots rarely drink
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days.
MacDougal said, 'Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?'

Scottish Kirk (Church) Announcement 
The following was seen on a poster outside a Kirk in Arbroath: DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY.
Adjacent to this was another poster which said: Love your enemy.

Ear Muffs
 Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie. Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?' Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.'
'Then why don't you wear them then?'
Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.'

Double-glazing in Scotland
Double-glazing is big business in Scotland in the hope that the children cannot hear the ice-cream van when it comes round.

Haggis Special - Special Haggis?
Maître d'hôtel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'
Campbell: 'Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.'
Maître d'hôtel: 'What were the other prizes?'
Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.'

Footnote:
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare. Mike Myers

USA Planning to Relax Haggis Ban
The US government said it is planning to relax the ban on imported meats which prevents the sale of haggis.

The Scottish government said it was greatly encouraged by the move, which was also welcomed by haggis producers.

The ban was introduced in 1989 because of concerns about the safety of British meat during the BSE scare.

On the eve of Burns night, the US Department of Agriculture said new regulations were being drafted, in line with international standards.

Robbie Burns and the Librarian
A man walks into the library and at the enquiry desk says, 'Robert Burns, the complete works.'

The librarian looks up and says, 'I am sorry Mr Burns, the Massage Parlour is back outside and the next door to this.'

A Scottish Lady
An armed, hooded, robber burst into the Bank of Scotland in Princes Street, Edinburgh, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Scottish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the Scotsman without hesitation!

He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else had seen him. One of the tellers looked straight at him and the robber walked over and calmly shot him also. Everyone by now was very scared and looking down at the floor.

'Did anyone else see my face?' shouted the robber. There were a few moments of silence, then one elderly Scottish lady, looking down, tentatively raised her hand and said, 'I think my husband might have caught a glimpse .....'

The Difference
What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings - and Walt disnae.

The Kilt
Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt? He couldn't do a fling with it.

The Bard
Robert Burns walks into a pub. The barman says....You're Bard

Classic Burns Night Joke
Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"
Boris turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this mental ward?"

"No" the doctor replies, "It's the Burns unit."



19 January 2015 Aberdeen Journal
Burns night to be celebrated in Highlands with scores of dancing haggis


Dancing Haggis will take part in the Burns' night procession
By Jamie McKenzie

The finest of Rabbie Burns’ beasts will be celebrated in a procession led by scores of dancing haggis in Inverness.



The memory of Scotland’s national bard will be kept alive in a fun-filled way through Eden Court CREATIVE’s Haggis, Beasts and Tatties event on January 25.

The planned spectacle is part of Scotland’s Winter Festivals – a programme of events managed by EventScotland on behalf of the Scottish Government.

Celebrations will begin at 6.45pm at Falcon Square in Inverness city centre with a “haggis hoedown” unlike anything ever seen before.



A procession will then move through the streets of the city, led by dancing haggis and the Inverness Youth Pipe Band, across the river to Eden Court Theatre.
At the venue people will be able to buy an array of food and drink from local producers, watch bite-sized drama performance and a join the Tattie Band for a grand Burns ceilidh.

Dawson Lamont, president of Inverness Burns Club, said: “Anything that helps to promote the songs and poetry of our national bard can only be a good thing.
“I believe that Rabbie himself was a guest at a Haggis Club in Kilmarnock in 1785, so presumably he would approve of this event if he were alive today. He always knew how to enjoy himself so would certainly be amused, and perhaps a tad embarrassed at all the fuss.

“The Eden Court production is yet another way to get more people in the Highlands interested in Burns’ poetry and Scottish poetry generally. It complements the more traditional approach.”

Lucy McGlennon, Eden Court CREATIVE manager, said: “We’re inviting everyone, of any shape and size, be you Haggis, Beast or Tattie to join in our Burns night celebrations. With dancing haggis, a variety of beasts and a talented Tattie Band I’m not sure what else you could ask for. Please remember to dress up warm as it will probably be wellie weather, and come ready to boogie.”

Tickets for the Eden Court event cost £4.00 and are available from the box office by calling 01463 234 234 or online at www.eden-court.co.uk

The Inverness Burns Club, which was founded in 1949, will be celebrating the bard with their annual Burns Supper, this year being held in the Lochardil Hotel, Inverness on the evening of Friday, January 30.

The principal Toast, The Immortal Memory of Robert Burns, will be proposed by Rt Hon Charles Kennedy MP.

MAD IN NC

Home Security
I've disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.

I've got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center.

The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer, ... and I’m saving $35.


A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.



Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach
into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'



'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight let's pretend
we're married.'

‘Wow! That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own ****ing blanket.'



After a moment of silence, he farted. 

The End……..



I was traveling between West Palm Beach and Boca Raton the other day (south of Jupiter) when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it, too, was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window,
"Need a lift?"

"Yes, I sure do," I replied.

"You a Republican or Democrat?" asked the old man.

"Republican," I replied.

"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy rolled down his window and asked me the same question,

Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican."

The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

"Democrat!" I shouted.

 "Hop in!" replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the
 seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts and a short
 skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.



Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes
and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.

"What's the matter?" she asked.

 "I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five
minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

zardun

A Scotsman walking through a field, sees a man drinking water from a pool with his hand. The Scotsman man shouts ' Awa ye feel hoor thatâs full Oâ coos Sharn'
(Don't drink the water, it's full of cow ****.) The man shouts back 'I'm English, Speak English, I don't understand you'. The Scotsman man shouts back 'Use both hands, you'll get more in.'

From To a Louse
O wad some Power the gift tae gie us
To see oursels as ithers see us!

Railroadman

A friend asked me, "Now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

Somewhat shocked, he said "Huh? What do you mean by that?"

I said "Very simple. She told me that when she wants my f***ing advice, she'll ask me for it."

Railroadman

The old guy always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply, "It could have been worse."


To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even the old coot could find no hope in it.


So, when they next met him on the golf course, one of them said, "Hey, did you hear about Tom? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"

"That`s awful," said the guy, "But it could have been worse!"


"How in the hell could it have been worse than that?" exclaimed the frustrated friend.

"Well," he replied, "If it had happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"

Railroadman

A friend had a Great Aunt Minnie who was always moaning about her health. One day her sister said that a woman down the road had just died of anemia.

"She never had it as bad as I have it", was her response.

"But you're still alive !" responded her sister.

"Yes," replied Aunt Minnie, "but she was never as sick as I am!"

Kerrmudgeon

A pirate, history relates
Was scuffling with some of his mates
When he slipped on a cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates

There once was a woman named Jill
Who swallowed an exploding pill
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And her **** in a tree in Brazil

There once was a plumber from Lee
Who was plumbing his girl by the sea
She said Stop your plumbing,
There's somebody coming!
Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

A right twisted wench from Caprees-ed
Orgasmed each time that she sneez-ed
To the druggist she went
And laid down her last cent
Said, "A barrel of snuff, if you pleas-ed."

A randy marsupial named Reeves
Spent some time with the ****** 'tween their knees
When they'd asked him for money
He'd say "Listen honey
A koala eats bushes and leaves."

Now down in the valley of Shneel
Lived a woman who loved to reveal
With her curtains well drawn
Standing bare as a fawn
She'd do this really neat trick with an eel

Now this right old man was a sick 'un
He had a dozen hen ripe for the pickin'
He'd chase 'em around
With his trousers pulled down
And he'd say "Whatsa matter, you chicken?"

A new farmer's helper named Kull
Accidentally was milking a bull
The farmer said, "Boy yer dumb,
You done milked the wrong one!"
Said the boy, "But me whole bucket's full."

Twas a crazy old man called O'Keef
Who caused local farmers much grief
To their cows he would run
Cut their legs off for fun
And say "Look, I've invented ground beef!"

There once was a man from Madrass
Whose ***** were made out of brass
When he'd bang 'em together
They'd play stormy weather
And lightning would shoot out of his ***

There once was a man from Havana
Screwed a girl on a player piano
At the height of their fever
Her *** hit the lever
And Yes he has no banana...

There once was a man from East Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save her some trouble
He folded it double
And instead of coming...he went

There once was a man from Bonaire
Who was doing his wife on the stair
When the banister broke
He doubled his stroke
And finished her off in midair

On a knoll a young maiden named Molly
Her innocence lost through young folly
His name was Sing Chum
And too soon he did ***
And all he could say was "I'm solly!"

A bear taking a dump asked a rabbit
"Does **** stick to your fur as a habit?"
"Of course not," said the hare,
"It's really quite rare!"
So the bear wiped his *** with the rabbit.

There was a young tease from Mount Chesser
Who'd smile as the men would assess her
So flirtatious was she
Inviting them home to tea
Then allowing not one to undress her

To his friend, Ned said, rather blue,
"My wife Edith just told me we're through,
For she says I'm too fat."
And his friend told him that,
"You can't have your cake and Edith, too."

There once was a girl named Tristan
Whose beer that she ordered was was pissed in
She said "I don't think,"
As she spit out her drink,
"On the menu that this one was listed."

Said a fool whose mind was quite miniscule
As his ignorance reached a new pinnacle
"I don't believe in astrology
It's my ideology
But I'm a Leo and Leo's are cynical.

I had me a wench from East Broint
Who bade me her skin to anoint
The girl had arthritis
And so I decided
She wouldn't mind one more stiff joint.

Kerrmudgeon

The pipes.....love 'em or leave 'em!

"How's the flat you're living in in London, Jock?" asks his mother when he calls home to Aberdeen.
"It's okay," he replies, "but the woman next door keeps screaming and crying all night and the guy on the other side keeps banging his head on the wall."
"Never you mind," says his mother, "don't you let them get to you, just ignore them."
"Aye, that I do," he says, "I just keep playing my bagpipes."



Frugal, to say the least!

Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement from, "Janet died."
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words: "Janet died, Toyota for sale."



In a Scottish classroom, the teacher asks a student, "If you have 5 pounds, and I ask you to borrow 2, how many pounds do you have left?"
"5."

Being from Scotland, I love the summer.

It's my favourite day of the year.



A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction

"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"

Kerrmudgeon

A Scots boy came home from school and told his mother he had been given a part in the school play.
"Wonderful," says the mother. "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Scottish husband!"
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part.



This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the **** is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "**** me! How big are the cats?"

DRM500RUBYZR-1

Can't validate this to be true, but I did find it amusing!

WHY TEACHERS DRINK









The following questions were in last year's GED
(General Equivalency Degree) examination.

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)



Q. Name the four seasons?

A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.


Q. How is dew formed?

A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.


Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.


Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.


Q. What are steroids?

A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs. (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope)


Q. What happens to your body as you age?

A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.


Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery. (So true)


Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
A. Premature death.


Q. What is artificial insemination?

A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?

A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant)


Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g. The abdomen)?

A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U. (WTF!)


Q. What is the fibula?

A. A small lie.


Q. What does 'varicose' mean?

A. Nearby.


Q. What is the most common form of birth control?

A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)


Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'?

A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome.


Q. What is a seizure?

A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)


Q. What is a terminal illness?

A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)


Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?

A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight. (Brilliant)


Q. What is a turbine?

A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)


Marty

MAD IN NC

pics just came back....

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.

We have enough "youth". How about a fountain of "smart"?

A fool and his money can throw one heck of a party.

When blondes have more fun, do they know it?

LEARN FROM YOUR PARENT'S MISTAKES --USE BIRTH CONTROL

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.

Alabama state motto: At least we're not Mississippi

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population

"I think Congressmen should wear uniforms, you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors."

The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would 'hate' to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

Catholic girl goes into the confessional & says to the priest, "I think I am pregnant."

He asks, "How did this happen my child?"

"I think it must be the second coming," she replies.

The priest shocked by this statement asks, "What makes you think it is the second coming?"

She replies, "Because I swallowed the first."

Kerrmudgeon

Ethnic bras......

A man walked into the Lingerie Department of Macy's in New York City.
He tells the saleslady, "I would like a Jewish bra for my wife, size 34 B."

With a quizzical look the saleslady asked, "What kind of bra?"

He repeated "A Jewish bra. She said to tell you that she wanted a Jewish bra,
and that you would know what she wanted."

"Ah, now I remember," said the saleslady. "We don't get as many requests
for them as we used to.
​
Mostly our customers lately want the Catholic bra, or the Salvation Army bra, or the Presbyterian bra."

Confused, and a little flustered, the man asked "So, what are the differences?"

The saleslady responded. "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic bra supports the masses. The Salvation Army lifts up the fallen, and the Presbyterian bra ​ keeps them staunch and upright."

He mused on that information for a minute and said:
"Hmm I know I'll regret asking, but what does the Jewish bra do?"

"A Jewish bra," she replied, "makes mountains out of molehills".

plaidside

A wise person once said:



1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News:
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4.Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing among Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study
found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.