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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
<>FRIDAY FUNNIES<> twas the weekend before Christmas.
Good Morning Everyone. I don't know what's happening next Friday but I may be tied up with family stuff so I'll leave it up to someone else to start this thread. Merry Christmas to all and thanks for all the yucks over the past year....
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I am a Seenager! (a senior teenager)
I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later.
I don’t have to go to school or work.
I get an allowance every month.
I have my own pad.
I don’t have a curfew.
I have a driver’s license and my own car.
I have ID that gets me into bars and the liquor store.
The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
And I don’t have acne.
Life is great.
Also, you will feel much more intelligent after reading this.
Brains of older people are slow because they know so much. People do not decline mentally with age, it just takes them longer to recall facts because they have more information in their brains, scientists believe.
Much like a computer struggles as the hard drive gets full, so too, do humans take longer to access information when their brains are full.
Researchers say this slowing down process is not the same as cognitive decline. The human brain works slower in old age, said Dr. Michael Ramscar, but only because we have stored more information over time. The brains of older people do not get weak. On the contrary, they simply know more.
Also, older people often go to another room to get something and when they get there, they stand there wondering what they came for. It is NOT a memory problem, it's nature's way of making older people exercise.
....thanks Bill
Old agers on the road.....
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 mph. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
As he approaches the car, he notices there are five elderly ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back — all wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly … 22 miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
Trying to contain a chuckle, the State Police officer explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute, Officer. We just got off Route 119.”
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
The Eskimo Hunter
An Eskimo man awoke one day with the urge to go hunting for seal. After he had prepared his gear for his journey, he set out over the frozen ice to his favorite hunting spot.
About halfway there, his snowmobile started to run badly and make grinding noises. So the hunter decided to turn around and head back to his village. And, in fact, just as he pulled up to the local mechanic, his snowmobile died.
He went inside and spoke with the mechanic, who agreed to take a look and see what the problem was. The mechanic followed the Eskimo outside to the snowmobile, raised the hood and began to examine the engine.
After a few minutes, the mechanic looked up at the hunter and said, “I think that you've blown a seal.” No,” answered the hunter, “those are just icicles on my mustache.”
Divorced & Drunk
A man and his wife are at a restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin at a nearby table.
His wife asks, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband. "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a
Deserted street with your wife
And two small children.
Suddenly, a Terrorist with a huge knife
Comes around the corner,
Locks eyes with you,
Screams obscenities,
Raises the knife, and charges at you...
You are carrying a
Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot.
You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
THINK CAREFULLY AND
THEN SCROLL DOWN:
Democrat's Answer:
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
What is a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP?
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Is he really a terrorist? Am I guilty of profiling?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say about this situation?
Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint & weed day.
Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.
I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
This is all so confusing!
Two terrorists are in a locker room taking their ANNUAL
shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other one bending over holding his stomach in agony. He has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
"If you do not mind me saying," said the second terrorists, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why do you not take it out?"
"I regret I cannot", lamented the first terrorist. "It is permanently stuck in my butt."
"I do not understand," said the other.
The first terrorist says, "I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man wrapped in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out.
He said, "I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."
I said, "No ****?"
God Bless America. This story has been Verified by Brian Williams NBC anchor news and Hillary Clinton. They were there when it happened.
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have
> remained a virgin.'
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- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
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- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
> I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
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- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
> and to have the two as close together as possible.
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- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
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- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
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- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one,
> you'll become a philosopher.
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- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
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- Groucho Marx
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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
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- Jimmy Durante
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
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- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
> alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
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- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
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- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
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- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name wasSHUT UP.
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- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
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- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
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- W. C. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
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- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
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- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,
> fall out, or spread out.
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- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
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- Billy Crystal
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And the cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good spit it out.
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May your troubles be less, may your blessings be more, and
may nothing but happiness come through your door.
A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims.
So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.
As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."
"No problem! I'll write you a check!"
"Very good sir," says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday, you may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."
So the man and the woman leave.
On Monday, the fellow returns.
The store owner is outraged, "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"
"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"
Elderly Prayer
Dear Lord: The last fifteen or twenty years have been very tough. You have taken my favorite actor - Paul Newman; my favorite actress - Elizabeth Taylor; my favorite singer - Andy Williams; my favorite author -Tom Clancy; and now, my favorite comedians – Robin Williams and Joan Rivers.
I just wanted you to know that my favorite politicians are Barack Obama, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid, and I have a special place in my heart for Jessie Jackson and Al Sharpton.
Amen
TRUE STORY FROM NORTH CAROLINA
... those damn solar panels, sucking up all the available sunlight ..
This is the sort of things I expect to see coming out of Texas
Not only do these people get to vote.. they actually make the rules... the planet is fxxxed
This town is of ~766 people, down from 810 in 2010. Must be where the Darwinians go to die…
The Rednecks are up to it again......
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Liquor Store. I placed them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where a drop-dead gorgeous, almost blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer ya got?"
Larry the cable guy for President!
Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately: Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida ...
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border.
Send the dirt to New Orleans to raise the level of the levees.
Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the Mexican border.
Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?
THE WIFE
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Goodness, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher." As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. ' The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "
[I love this part.......]
"Only when he's been drinking."
A newspaper editor received this note from a reader:
"My wife was about to file for a divorce when she read the article in your paper about the importance of giving second chances in making a marriage work. So she changed her mind about the divorce. Effective today, cancel my subscription to your paper."
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean. There was a romantic full moon, and Huan Cho said, "Hey baby, let's play Weeweechu."
"Oh no, not now. Lets just look at the moon", said Jung Lee.
"Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time," Huan Cho Begged.
"But I had rather just hold your hand and watch the moon."
"Please Jung Lee, just once... play Weeweechu with me."
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, "OK, we'll play Weeweechu."
Huan Cho grabbed his guitar and they both sang...
"Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year
Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old andyour grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point,
'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
12-18-2015, 12:10 AM
<>FRIDAY FUNNIES<> twas the weekend before Christmas.
....thanks Bill
