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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) June 17th weekend 2016.
Good morning everyone! Summer officially starts this weekend with the longest day of the year on the summer solstice.....more time to get out and enjoy our favourite hobby, America's Classic Sportscar!
________________________________________ _______
A Lawyer's afterlife.....
An Engineer dies and goes to Hell. Dissatisfied with the level of comfort, he starts designing and building improvements.
After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer becomes a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls and asks Satan, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan says, "Hey things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God is horrified. "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gone down there! You know all engineers go to Heaven. Send him up!"
Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
"Yeah, right," Satan laughs, "And where are you gonna get a lawyer?
A new supermarket just opened in my City...
It has an automatic water mister to keep the vegetables fresh. Just before it comes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk case, you hear cows mooing and experience the smell of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasant aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
I don't buy toilet paper there any more.
Nice work.....
from Chris (c1j1c2)......
How do court stenographers keep a straight face?
These are from a book called
"Disorder in the Court" and are things people
actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
published by court reporters who had the torment of
staying calm while the exchanges were taking place….
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were
you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually
active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date
of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your
son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor,
isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, very close to your IQ.
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: Were you present
when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ******** me?
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: So the date of
conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: She had three
children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I need a different attorney. Can I get
a new attorney?
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: How was your
first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: Can you describe
the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with
male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your
appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many
of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much
fight.
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: ALL of your
responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
attend?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the
time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
________________________________________ _
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified
to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________
____
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before
you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been
alive,nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
and practicing law.!!!!!
The Pastor... entered his donkey in a race and
it won.
The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the race again and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S *** OUT FRONT.
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S ***.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid of the donkey.
The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST *** IN TOWN.
The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farm
for $10.
The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS *** FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the donkey and lead it to the plains where
it could run wild.
The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER *** IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Oops.....
A man walks into a barber shop and says, "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber lathers his face and sharpens the straight edge while a woman with the biggest, most beautiful breasts he has ever seen kneels down and shines his shoes. The man says, "You and I should spend some time in a hotel room." She replies, "My husband wouldn't like that." The man says, "Tell him you're working overtime, and I'll pay you the difference." She says, "You tell him. He's the one shaving you."
A silver anniversary confession....
A loving couple was celebrating their 25th wedding anniversary, privately, at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. A bit tipsy and feeling very intimate the husband turns to his wife and asks, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?" "Well," she replied, "since you ask, to tell you the truth I have been unfaithful on three occasions." "What? How could you?" "Let me tell you about it," she said. "The first time was back when we were first married. You needed open heart surgery and we didn't have the money, so I went to bed with the surgeon and got him to operate for free." "Gee! That was noble of you. And, besides, I guess I should be grateful. But, tell me, what about the second time?" "Do you remember that you wanted the position of the, and they were going to pass you over for someone else? Well, I went to bed with the President and the Vice President and they gave you the job." "Hell, I think I could have done it on my own. But, then again, I guess I should be grateful. And so, what about the third time?" "Do you remember two years ago when you wanted to become President of the Baseball Team, and you were missing 53 votes...?"
Be careful what you ask.....
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?” The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for a moment and then confessed. “Yes. Yes he did.” The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?” Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
Bible Versus’s………..
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He answered Trump 20:16 "Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Deport him and you do not have to feed him again."
BRITISH HUMOR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in United Kingdom Newspapers:
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites!
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
**** And the WINNER is... ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
Obama version of him being Regan...
A parable to meditate on in our politically correct society....................
An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey, and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, the old man is walking, the boy is riding." The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later they passed some people who remarked "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk". So they decided they'd both walk.
Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride." So they both decided to ride the donkey.
They passed some people who shamed them by saying "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey." The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey, the donkey fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your *** goodbye.
Pics....
Take two minutes to read these sayings and be sure to read all the way to the bottom:
Written by Andy Rooney, a man who had the gift of saying so much with so few words. Rooney used to be on 60 Minutes TV show.
I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned ....
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in any other way.
I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned...
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.
I've learned....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you're hooked for life.
I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.
To all of you....
Make sure you read all the way down to the last sentence.
It's National Friendship Week. Show your friends how much you care.
If it comes back to you, then you'll know you have a circle of friends.
HAPPY FRIENDSHIP WEEK TO YOU!
YOU ARE MY FRIEND AND I AM HONORED!
Now send this to every friend you have!
And to your family.
This was sent to me by a friend.
I have always been fascinated by trivia and I thought you might be interested in this bit of trivia as well.
Where did the Texas Longhorn logo idea come from?
I did not know this! My duty is to teach you something new every day. Job done.
I called your house the other day and was told you were down at your favorite biker bar with some friends.
I wasn't sure where that was, but was told I wouldn't have much trouble finding it.
Sure enough, I drove just a couple blocks and there it was...
There is nothing like the feel of the sun on your face and the wind in your hair, is there?
Okay. Here it is.
A test to see if your brain is still working.
Which one do you think is the blonde?
Scroll down....
Amazing, I did not see it before.
The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up. That's OK, I did not Pass the test EITHER!
For Those Who Thought
The liquid inside young coconuts can be used a s a substitute for Blood Plasma.
No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times. Oh , go ahead ... I'll wait. . .
Donkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes or shark attacks. (So, watch your ***)
You burn more calories sleeping! than you do watching television.
Oak trees do NOT produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.
The first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.
The King of Hearts is the only King WITHOUT A MOUSTACHE
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.
Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell you? That women are going in the 'right' direction...?
Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning ...
Most dust particles in your house are made from DEAD SKIN !
Walt Disney was afraid OF MICE!
PEARLS DISSOLVE IN VINEGAR!
The ten most valuable brand names on earth: Apple, Coca Cola, Google, IBM, Microsoft, GE, McDonalds, Samsung, Intel, and Toyota, in that order.
It IS possible to lead a cow upstairs … but, NOT! downstairs.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least Six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush.
(I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!) And the best for last.....!
Turtles can breathe through their BUTTS! I know some people like that, don't YOU?
So........................
Remember, knowledge is everything, so pass it on......
and go move your toothbrush!
And stop folding that DAMN PAPER!
A nice, calm, and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law! I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen.
Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.
A few shorties.....
Jim and Lena were driving around the countryside when they ran over a skunk. "We better take the skunk to the vet, Lena. Just put the skunk between your legs to keep it warm." "But, Jim, what about the smell?" "Don't worry, Lena. The skunk will get used to it."
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night. The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks." The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch." The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife." The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
A young couple is out for a romantic Valentine's Day walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll, the lad's lustful desire rises to a peak. He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind, but I really do need to take a ****." Slightly taken aback by this vulgarity, he suggests she go behind a nearby hedge. She nods in agreement and disappears behind the shrubbery. As he waits, he can hear the sound of her tight panties rolling down her long legs and imagines what is being exposed. Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches through a gap in the foliage, and his hand touches her leg. He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly, and with great astonishment, he finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage that's hanging between her legs. He shouts in horror, "My God, Claudette, I had no idea you were actually a man!" "No, you don't understand!" she replies. "I changed my mind, I'm taking a crap instead."
A farmer gets a phone call from his son. "I've run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor still alive." "Shoot it," says the farmer, "and then bury it." About 20mins later he gets another call..." "Done that, what should I do with his speed camera and motorbike?"
A farmer and a son live on a farm. The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid. He is so excited because he's just milked a cow. Then he takes a big drink from the glass. His father just stares at him. "Son, we don't have a cow. We have a bull."
A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of an LS460 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage "Hey Doc, want
to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to
where the mechanic was working. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart,
took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is
it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $1.7 million when you and I are doing basically the same work?
”The cardiologist paused, leaned over and
whispered to the mechanic, “Try doing it with the engine running."
06-17-2016, 12:34 AM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES (@Y@) June 17th weekend 2016.
Summer officially starts this weekend with the longest day of the year on the summer solstice.....more time to get out and enjoy our favourite hobby, America's Classic Sportscar! 
.....
