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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (@Y@) Black Friday weekend 2016 edition.
Good Morning everyone, I trust you all ate and drank too much yesterday and are moving a little slow today!
Got any funny stuff to share?
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A Thanksgiving prank......and one gullible girl...
One day,little Timmy was at school and heard the word “****”. He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him “coats and jackets”. Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word “phucking”, and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said “cooking”. Then,he returned to school the third day and heard the words “bitches and hoes”. He went home and his father told him it meant “grandpa and grandma”. Later,on Thanksgiving night,his grandparents came over. Timmy answered the door with glee and says: “Hey bitches and hoes! I’ll take your **** to the closet cause dad’s in the kitchen phucking the turkey!"
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 11-25-2016 at 12:32 PM.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Agnes......
Agnes married and had 13 children. When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, Lord, theyre finally together. One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."
...out of the mouths of children..
A three-year old walks over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in a doctor’s surgery. “Why is your stomach so big?” – he asks. “I´m having a baby.” – she replies. “Is the baby in your stomach?” – he asks, with his big eyes. “Yes, it is.” – she says. “Is it a good baby?” – he asks, with a puzzled look. “Oh, yes. A really good baby.” – the lady replies. Shocked and surprised, he asks: “Then why did you eat him?”
thanksgiving dinner......
A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?" "I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly. "Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said. Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"
Carnival Cruise Lines announces a "once in a lifetime" opportunity to enjoy:
THE CRUISE INTO EXILE
Aboard our magnificent 3,646 passenger liner - the Carnival Dream
Travel with a star-studded group of celebrities as they leave our shores for the last time.
In response to the many citizens who vowed to leave the country if Donald Trump were to be elected President, Carnival Cruise lines is providing a unique opportunity to fulfill that pledge in style.
Passengers will have the opportunity to rub elbows with, and be entertained by, dozens of famous celebrities and performers who are also going into political exile.
Premier Class travelers will be invited to dine at the Captain’s table with honorary captains Jon Stewart and Whoopi Goldberg.
Non-denominational religious service will be conducted daily by the Very Reverend Al Sharpton in the Paradise Lounge. Superstars Cher, Barbra Streisand and Miley Cyrus will perform nightly in the main lounge. Amy Schumer and Rosie O’Donnell will do stand-up comedy in the Sky Bar.
Other featured guests will include Spike Lee, Bryan Cranston, Amber Rose, Samuel L. Jackson, Stephen King, Barry Diller and many, many others... among them, special guest attraction Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
So reserve your cabin now, as space is limited.
Call 1-800-FLEE, that’s 1-800-3533
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Disclosure and disclaimer: Carnival Cruise line is not responsible for the number of celebrities referred to above who actually join the cruise.
Note:
Customers should be aware that, based on the past experience, a significant number of these celebrities will be no-shows. However, it is also possible that the celebrity guest list may be augmented by some late additions. Carnival Cruise is in discussions with Attorney General Loretta Lynch, FBI Director James Comey, IRS Commissioner Koskinen and, Veterans Administration head McDonald along with several Cabinet members and federal officials.
Reverend Sharpton’s attendance is conditional upon finding someone to pay for his ticket and negotiating satisfactory fees for performing religious services.
Prospective passengers should also be aware of the fact that several celebrities have indicated they aren’t going if Rosie O’Donnell is.
Barbra Streisand has indicated that she will not attend unless her stateroom is bigger than Cher’s, which could be a problem. Cher requires better accommodations than Miley Cyrus, and a separate stateroom for her two Shih Tzus.
Messrs. Jackson, Sharpton, Lee and Ms. Goldberg have joined together to insist that any armed security personnel on board should be restricted to the Caucasian decks only. This requirement could be problematic because there are, at this time, no Caucasian decks on Carnival ships. Carnival Cruise Line cannot guarantee that any of these negotiations will be successfully concluded.
Passengers are also advised that in the event of significant cancellations, Carnival Cruise Lines reserves the right to substitute a smaller vessel for the Carnival Dream, down to and including the Carnival Imperial Inflatable, our luxury 20 passenger Zodiac.
The itinerary for our star-studded cruise is not as yet finalized. We will most probably begin our voyage in Los Angeles because so many of our guests reside in that area; and New York City is an obvious port of call to pick up many additional guests before leaving US territorial waters for good.
Beyond that, Justice Ginsburg wants to be dropped off in New Zealand. Amy Schumer wants to go to Spain. Samuel L. Jackson says he is “moving my black *** to South Africa”, Jon Stewart expects to end up “on another planet” as yet unspecified.
A stop in Canada has been requested by a number of our celebrities.
My wife has days when she wants us to "talk about things.”
We were discussing aspects of our future so when it was my
turn I asked her: "What will you do if I die before you do?”
After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a
house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed
women who might be a little younger than herself, since she
is so active for her age.
Then she asked me, "What will you do if I die first?" I replied,
"Probably the same thing."
The Auction
One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!
As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"
"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"
A part in the play...
A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."
"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."
Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"
The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"****!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?
The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup..... "
Polishing Apples
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his expensive wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel."
"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents."
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $9.80."
"Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars.
1960 Hits Renamed Some of the artists of the 60's and 70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers who can remember doing the "Limbo" as if it were yesterday.
They include:
Bobby Darin ---
Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash
Herman's Hermits ---
Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker
Ringo Starr ---
I Get By With A Little Help From Depends
The Bee Gees ---
How Can You Mend A Broken Hip?
Roberta Flack---
The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face
Johnny Nash ---
I Can't See Clearly Now
Paul Simon---
Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver
The Commodores ---
Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom
Procol Harem---
A Whiter Shade Of Hair
Leo Sayer ---
You Make Me Feel Like Napping
The Temptations ---
Papa's Got A Kidney Stone
Abba---
Denture Queen
Tony Orlando ---
Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall
Helen Reddy ---
I Am Woman; Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore---
It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To
And Last, but NOT least:
Willie Nelson ---
On the Commode Again
Every day may not be good. . . but there's something good in every day.
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit - A small can of red paint, a small calor of blue paint and a shovel."
Mario asks, "And what do I do wit these things, doc?
The doctor replies, "Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your ***** red and the other ball blue.
If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of ***** I've ever seen!'..........you hit her with the shovel.
11-25-2016, 01:09 AM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (@Y@) Black Friday weekend 2016 edition.
....Keep your eye on the cross in the middle...
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