Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning everyone. Time once again for a few giggles to start the weekend off. Grab a cup of coffee and bring what you have to add to the laughs. Enjoy!.....
________________________________________ _________


Do you remember who Ron Jeremy is?




The Best Smart *** Answers...

SMART *** ANSWER #6

It was meal time during an airline flight..
'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front..
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART *** ANSWER #5

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, She extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub'

SMART *** ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big Enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART *** ANSWER #3

The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down His window.
'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said.
The kid replied, ‘Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.'
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART *** ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are Backed up for miles.
Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, Puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?'
The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'

A BONUS EXTRA

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says
To her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.



A few borrowed visuals......

Kerrmudgeon

I Don't get no Respect!.....

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
_Rodney Dangerfield

“I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs
I say, 'no.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“my wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Life's a short trip. You'll find out.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynecologist firmly believes I am.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers asking them to pay them 5,000 dollars and they could keep me!”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the ***** with a hammer.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
Rodney Dangerfield”

“I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

“Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.”
― Rodney Dangerfield

Kerrmudgeon

My wife.......

My wife and her friend Karen were talking about their labor-saving devices as they pulled into our driveway. Karen said, “I love my new garage-door opener.”
“I love mine too,” my wife replied, and honked the horn three times. That was the signal for me to come out and open the garage.



The ABC's of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).



A woman goes into an antique shop and says to the owner, "When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I'd like to buy it."
"Sorry," replied the owner, "but I can't sell you that."
"Why not?" asked the customer.
"Because that's my husband."



The check-up...

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Jesus is in my heart. Barney's in my underpants!



California Crazy Laws.....

Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.
Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.
Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.
Bathhouses are against the law.
In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.
No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.
Women may not drive in a house coat.
It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.

Arcadia
Peacocks have the right of way to cross any street, including driveways.

Alhambra
You cannot leave your car on the street overnight without the proper permit.

Baldwin Park
Nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

Belvedere
City Council order reads: "No dog shall be in a public place without its master on a leash."

Blythe
You are not permitted to wear cowboy boots unless you already own at least two cows.

Burlingame
It is illegal to spit, except on baseball diamonds.

Carmel
Ice cream may not be eaten while standing on the sidewalk. (Repealed when Clint Eastwood was mayor)
Women may not wear high heels while in the city limits.

Chico
Detonating a nuclear device within the city limits results in a $500 fine

Downey
It is illegal to wash your car in the street. (Passed 1995).

Hollywood
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood Boulevard at one time.

Lafayette
You are forbidden to spit on the ground within 5 feet of another person.

Lodi
It is illegal to own or sell "Silly String".

Lompoc
It is illegal to posses, own or raise roosters. This is considered disturbing the peace.

Long Beach
It is illegal to curse on a mini-golf course.
Cars are the only item allowed in a garage.

Los Angeles
Toads may not be licked.
You may not hunt moths under a street light.
It is a crime for dogs to mate within 500 yards of a church. Breaking this law is punishable by a fine of $500 and/or six months in prison.
You cannot bathe two babies in the same tub at the same time.
Zoot suits are prohibited.
It is illegal to cry on the witness stand.
It is illegal for a man to beat his wife with a strap wider than 2 inches without her consent.

Ontario
Roosters may not crow in the city limits.

Pacific Grove
Molesting butterflies can result in a $500 fine.

Palm Springs
It is illegal to walk a camel down Palm Canyon Drive between the hours of four and six PM.

Pasadena
It is illegal for a secretary to be alone in a room with her boss.

Prunedale
Two bathtubs may not be installed in the same house.

Redlands
Motor vehicles may not drive on city streets unless a man with a lantern is wallking ahead of it.

Riverside
One may not carry a lunch down the street between 11 and 1 o'clock.

San Diego
The owners of houses with Christmas lights on them past February second may be fined up to $250.
It is illegal to shoot jackrabbits from the back of a streetcar.

San Francisco
Persons classified as "ugly" may not walk down any street.
Prohibits elephants from strolling down Market Street unless they are on a leash.
It is illegal to pile horse manure more than six feet high on a street corner.
It is illegal to wipe one's car with used underwear.

San Jose
It is illegal to have more than two cats or dogs. -Ord. 7.08.595

Santa Monica
You may not play percussion instruments on the beach.

Temecula
Ducks have the right of way to cross Rancho California St. at all times.

Bubba63

Heard on the radio:
If it has tires or *********, there will be trouble

conservative description Left description
illegal alien .................. undocumented guest
bank robber ................. undocumented withdrawal
drug dealer ................. undocumented pharmacist
hooker ................. undocumented massage therapist

etc. etc.

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

What shark?

Mossy66

This video reminds me of some of the threads here on Corvetteforum

GEM '62

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, ;such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with ;a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with ;the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

;

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.


.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.


.. The batteries were given out free of charge.


.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.


.. A will is a dead giveaway.


.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.


.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.


.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.


.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.


.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.


.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.


.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

;

And the cream of the twisted crop:


.. ;Those who get too big for their britches will be totally exposed in the end.

GEM '62

*A Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.At
nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers' Lane, with the
interior light brightly glowing. He carefully approaches the car to get a
closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer
magazine.*


*He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her
fingernails.Puzzled by this surprising situation, the Officer walks to the
car and gently raps on the driver's window. *

*The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, Officer?"*

*The trooper asks: "What are you doing?" *

*The young man says: "Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine." *

*Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the Officer says: "And,
her, what is she doing?"*

*The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails." *

*Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at
night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening! *

*The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"*

*The young man says: "I'm 22, sir." *

*The trooper asks: "And her, what's her age?"*
*The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11
minutes."*

ricks327

Thoughts




Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year....Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body....Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance..... We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Strong people don't put others down. They lift them up and slam them on the ground for maximum damage.

I hate when I am about to hug someone really sexy and my face hits the mirror.

Money talks ... but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just ... easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

ricks327

A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to that lady over there. You even insisted that there was no way you could discount this car."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?" replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go Dad," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price!”

ricks327

CRABS........


A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans
with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde
flight attendant take care of them for him. She
took the box and promised to put it in the
crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was
holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that
he was a lawyer, and threatened what would
happen to her if she let them thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used
the intercom to announce to the entire cabin,
"Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them
home and ate them.

There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.

ricks327

After my recent Prostate Exam, which was one of the most thorough, long lasting ones I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear...
She said....

"Who was that guy?"

ricks327

The $100.00 Story

A tourist walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco . While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat ?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster.
A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing.
Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward San Francisco Bay.
Again, after a couple blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the MILLIONS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster.
Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.
Amazingly, the millions of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You come back for story?"

"No sir," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat.

ricks327

A FISHING STORY

The king wanted to go fishing. He called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days, So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey.
Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."
So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
The practice is unbroken to this date and thus, the Democrat symbol was born!!!

hderr

Seen on a babies onesie,

"I might not always drink milk,
but when I do, I choose Dos Boobies"

Also of note,

"Step aside coffee,
This is a job for alcohol."

Have a good day,
H

plaidside

ITALIAN ALTAR BOY CONFESSION !

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell. '

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go say a rosary and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

Kerrmudgeon

Curvette1

Kerrmudgeon

I notice that our funny guys from "down unda" haven't been checking in lately on Fridays...?.....Hope you all are in good nick and are still enjoying your old cars.......here's a couple for you.





Aussie immigration policy.....