Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning everyone! ...... Hope you're all well and getting your spring fever on.
Still pretty cold up north, two foot snow banks around the driveway.....with more snow predicted today....yuck! So I need a few giggles.....whaddaya got?
________________________________________ _________

First, a few eye twisters borrowed from next door......

Kerrmudgeon

a little tongue in cheek humour in this video.....

Kerrmudgeon

WALKING THE DOG

Reportedly, a woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco . Unexpectedly, The plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady, who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He
could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said,
"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said,
"No thanks, but maybe Baron

Would like to stretch his legs."

Picture this:

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up

and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!

Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

People scattered.

They not only tried to change planes,

But they were trying to change airlines!

True story.....
Have a great day and remember.....

THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.

.....thanks Bill Schmit

Kerrmudgeon

Geezer love.....
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”



Hmmmm...makes you think!
An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip. Every now and then, the rabbi's grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable. After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, "I wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What's your secret?" The rabbi replied: "Think about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of G‑d. So they look up to me. But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?"



Circle of life....
Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?" His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven." "Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!" "What do you mean?" said Dad. "Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"



Hard times.....
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred bucks. If you got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.” She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?” She says, “A hundred dollars.” He says, “All I got is thirty”. She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?” “A hand job”, Harry reply. She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollar is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE... She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.” She runs back to Harry, and asks, “Can you loan this guy seventy bucks?”

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

plaidside

The difference between Oo and oO

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time.

I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."

"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it?"

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this:

Oo

Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."
"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy.
"And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."
"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people!
How did you manage to do that?"
"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this:
oO

Then I pointed to the little circle and said,
'This is your a**hole before prison …"

Bowtyeguy

On Sunday A priest was presenting a children's sermon before the whole congregation. He asked the children if they knew what the Resurrection was.

Asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very unpredictable.

In response to the question, a little boy raised his hand.

The priest called on the boy who answered, "I know that if you have a
resurrection lasting more than four hours you're supposed to call
a doctor or 911."

10 minutes later the congregation finally stopped laughing, settled down enough for the
service to continue.

Kerrmudgeon

ricks327

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "sorry from way back there I thought you said Goats."

ricks327

When I was young, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to medical school. One of the questions required rearranging the letters "PNEIS" into the name of "an important human body part, which is most useful when erect."



Those who answered "spine" are doctors today. The rest of us are posting jokes on Corvette Forum.

ricks327

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands.

The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?"

All the women raised their hands.

Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?

"Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband - "I love you, Sweetheart"

Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with one another and read aloud the text message
they received in response to their message.

Below are 11 hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a
while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who
else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?


1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?

4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?

5. I don't understand what you mean?

6. What the hell did you do now?

7. Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10 I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.

11 Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?


Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?

ricks327

Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs, Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
Sally applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from Ohio State and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher.

The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?
"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said: "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, I voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary."

She starts work in the morning.

64Corvette

No Sex Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
"1955, ma'am.”
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!”
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955.”
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now.”

(Gotta love military time)

Roger Walling

Growing Tomatoes


A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

1965markaccount

My dad is never proud of anything I do.
Dad: Son, how old are you?
Son: 19.
Dad: When I was your age, I was 20.

Bowtyeguy

I was visiting my daughter and son-in-law last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.

"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."

I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

Kerrmudgeon

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place.. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner
together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by
drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest
dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with
interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if
he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for
breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The
next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the
trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so
incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect
woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,'
she replies. ... ....






Wait for it ....






......

It's coming .....




......
The suspense is killing
you, isn't it?






She said ....
........:
























'You just happened to catch my eye.'

Kerrmudgeon

64Corvette