Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning y'all! Very rainy and still cold up north. We're getting the system that swept up from Texas last week.....good weather for ducks! Not much in my in-box this week so I'm hoping you funny guys can fill in the slack......see you in the FUNNIES!
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A few visuals from next door........

Kerrmudgeon

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well, then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"



Three men were discussing at a bar about coincidences. The first man said, " my wife was reading a "tale of two cities" and she gave birth to twins"
"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'the three musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"
The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!"
When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, " When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the forty Thieves"!!!



Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place.
All my love,
Belinda. xxxxoooxxxx

P.S. Congratulations on winning last week's Powerball lottery.



The counselor was giving advice to a young man: "To gain self-confidence, you must avoid using negative words, such as CAN'T and NOT. Do you think you can do that?"
The young man responded, "Well, I can't see why not."



An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."



1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
10.. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. A hole has been found in the n*dist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'
14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.
15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'
16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'
17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the ***** to do it.
19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
21. A backward poet writes inverse.
22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.
23 . When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
24. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

Kerrmudgeon

And in honour of Don Rickles, who passed away yesterday at the age of 90.....here are a few of his best moments on TV.

Curvette1

Lord, Don’t Let Me Be Late!
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off,and started running again.
As she ran she once again began to pray, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!…But don’t shove me either.”

Bowtyeguy

I found this cool wrench at a swap meet, one side standard, the other metric

stellar

A young indian boy asks his father how indians get their names. The father tells his son its easy. When your brother was born I walked out of the teepee and saw an eagle flying so I named him Soaring Eagle. When your sister was born I saw a deer running so I named her Running Doe. Why you ask Two Dogs Flucking?

ricks327

In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

The preacher put one finger of one hand on Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

ricks327

The point system for men:

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy! Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed
+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows
0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets
-1
You leave the toilet seat up
-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty
0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex
-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom
-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings
+5
in the snow
+8
but return with beer
-5
and no liners
-25
You check out a suspicious noise at night
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing
0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something
+5
You pummel it with a six iron
+10
It's her cat
-40


AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party
0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy

-2
Named Tiffany
-4
Tiffany is a dancer
-10
With breast implants
-80


HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday
0
You buy a card and flowers
0
You take her out to dinner
0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar
+1
Okay, it is a sports bar
-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night
-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team

-10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal
0
The pal is happily married
+1
The pal is single
-7
He drives a Ferrari
-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED)
-15


A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie
+2
You take her to a movie she likes
+4
You take her to a movie you hate
+6
You take her to a movie you like
-2
It's called Death Cop 3
-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans
-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans
-15


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly
-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it
+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans & baggy Hawaiian shirts

-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too."
-800


THE BIG QUESTION:
She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"

You hesitate in responding
-10
You reply, "Where?"
-35
You reply, "no, I think it's your ***"
-100
Any other response
-50

ricks327

Financial Planning

Joel was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died,
he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her,
but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card
and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

ricks327

America's Health Care

The medical community is unable to reach consensus on what to do with America's health insurance situation.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.
The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off.
Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the ******** in Washington.

warrenmj

What is meant by the modern term referred to as 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS’..
The definition is found in 4 telegrams at the Truman Library and Museum in Independence, Missouri. The following are copies of four telegrams between President Harry Truman and Gen Douglas MacArthur on the day before the actual signing of the WWII Surrender Agreement in September 1945.. The contents of those four telegrams below are exactly as received at the end of the war - not a word has been added or deleted!
(1) Tokyo, Japan 0800-September 1,1945
To: President Harry S Truman
From: General D A MacArthur
Tomorrow we meet with those yellow-bellied bastards and sign the Surrender Documents, any last minute instructions?
(2) Washington, D C 1300-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur
From: H S Truman
Congratulations, job well done, but you must tone down your obvious dislike of the Japanese when discussing the terms of the surrender with the press, because some of your remarks are fundamentally not politically correct!
(3) Tokyo, Japan 1630-September 1, 1945
To: H S Truman
From: D A MacArthur and C H Nimitz
Wilco Sir, but both Chester and I are somewhat confused, exactly what does the term politically correct mean?
(4) Washington, D C 2120-September 1, 1945
To: D A MacArthur/C H Nimitz
From: H S Truman
Political Correctness is a doctrine, recently fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and promoted by a sick mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of **** by the clean end!
Now, with special thanks to the Truman Museum and Harry himself, you and I finally have a full understanding of what 'POLITICAL CORRECTNESS' really means…..

Roger Walling

It’s Friday! I’m as happy as a newborn in a topless bar!

It’s Friday night… So many innocent beers have no idea what’s coming for ‘em.

Kerrmudgeon

Top 10 Reasons to Celebrate Easter

10. You absolutely love the movie, "The Ten Commandments." 9. You look really, really good in yellow. 8. You just went on a low cholesterol diet and didn't want to waste all those eggs in the fridge. 7. You figure any Holiday that starts with a "Good Friday" can't be all bad. 6. You love to bite the heads off chocolate bunnies. 5. It's a good time to check out your neighborhood church and not be noticed. 4. You have this bunny suit you love to wear, but are too insecure to wear it without a reason. 3. Even though you don't know what it is, you really like the sound of going to a "Passion Play." 2. You figured since Jesus went to all THAT trouble to make it to the first Easter, you'd give it a shot. 1. As a Christian you celebrate the resurrection every other day, why not Easter too?

Bowtyeguy

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a 'Make America Great Again' hat, and a shot and a beer in front of him.

The Union Boss does not have to be an Einstein, to know that this guy, is a Republican.

So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear him clearly, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender,
but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

The union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss once again, loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican.

As before, this STILL doesn't seem to bother the Republican who continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union boss asks the bartender, "What the devil is the matter, with that Republican? I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly *** does, is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts or what!?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Kerrmudgeon

An ode to the most faithful police officers.....the K9 officers.....







and one pic of a human popo....just because it's funny!

Kerrmudgeon

And of course one of the not so much fun about getting older.......

Kerrmudgeon

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical
advertising in doctor's offices on everything
from tissues to note pads. This one should get
First Prize...



I e-mailed it to my Asian friend;
he e-mailed back: "If light stay on more than
4 hour, call erectrician"
( This make me raugh out roud!)

GEM '62

SALT & PEPPER
There was a Mensa convention in San Francisco. Mensa is a national organization for people with an IQ of 140+.
Several Mensa members went for lunch at a local café. When they sat down, one of them discovered their salt shaker contained pepper & their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the 2 shakers without spilling any & using only the implements at hand? Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds!
They debated the problem & presented ideas, finally coming up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, & an empty saucer.

They called the waitress over ready to dazzle her with their solution. "Ma'am," they said, "we noticed the pepper shaker contains salt & the salt shaker has pepper."

Before they could finish, the waitress interrupted: "Oh, sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both shakers & switched them.

There was dead silence at the Mensa table.

Kind of reminds you of the past 30 years in D.C., doesn't it?

ricks327

SEX IN THE SHOWER....

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter."

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago's inner city residents say that they have enjoyed sex in the shower

The other 14% said they hadn't been to prison yet.

ricks327

"4 Worms in Church"



A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . .. Dead!

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . Dead!

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . Dead!

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . Alive!

So the Minister asked the congregation,
"So, my friends? What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Irma, sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you
won't have worms!"
That pretty much ended the service !