Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning kids!
Pretty rotten couple of weeks for me with this arthritic knee....very painful.
So I need a few giggles and I'm counting on you! .......?
________________________________________________________

Some eye twisters borrowed from next door to wake you up!






























Out of the mouths of babes....

The preacher just finished his sermon for the day and proceeded toward the back of the church for his usual greetings and handshaking as the congregation left the church. After shaking a few adult hands he came upon the seven year old son of one of the Deacons of the church.

"Good morning, Jonathan," the preacher said as he reached out to shake Jonathan's hand.

As he was doing do he felt something in the palm of Jonathan's hand. "What's this?" the preacher asked.

"Money," said Jonathan with a big smile on his face, "It's for you!"

"I don't want to take your money, Jonathan," the preacher answered.

"I want you to have it," said Jonathan. After a short pause Jonathan continued, "My daddy says you're the poorest preacher we ever had and I want to help you."



Man's best friend......



Shipment of Viagra stolen.....

Cops looking for.....
A gang of hardened criminals......

Must have been hard up.
But then again, crime is on the rise.

.....A lot of stiff competition out there.

......wow that's hard to believe.

.....Probably serve some hard time for that crime. Boneheads!

.....If they poke around the bushes, there will be a happy ending.

plaidside

The Lone Ranger's Last Request
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by a hostile Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaimed,

"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger"...

"In honor of the Buffalo Hunt,
YOU will be sacrificed in three days."
"Before we kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request?'
The Lone Ranger said,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nodded and Silver was brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispered in
Silver's ear, and the horse galloped away.
Later that evening, Silver returned with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watched,
the blonde entered the Lone Ranger's tent
and spent the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admitted
that he was impressed.
"You have a very fine and loyal horse,"

but we will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request?"
The Lone Ranger again asked to speak
to his horse.
Silver came to him,
and he again whispered in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver took off and disappeared
over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returned,
this time with a voluptuous brunette,
even more attractive than the blonde.

She entered the Lone Ranger's tent
and spent the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
said:
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"

"But we will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request?"
The Lone Ranger responded,
"I'd like to speak to my horse - alone."
The Chief was curious, but he agreed,
and Silver was brought to
the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they were alone,
the Lone Ranger grabbed Silver by both ears,
looked him square in the eye and said,
Listen Very Carefully! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE!"

GUSTO14

Roger Walling

A man and a woman meet in an elevator. "Where are you heading today?" the man asks.
"I'm going down to give blood."
"How much do you get paid for giving blood?"
"About $20 a pint."
"Wow," says the man, "I'm going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100."
The woman asks, "How long does it take to collect a pint?.

ricks327

NEW MOTTOS FOR UNITED AIRLINES?

“We put the hospital in hospitality”

“Board as a doctor, leave as a patient”

“Our prices can’t be beaten, but our passengers can”

“We have First Class, Business Class and No Class”

“Not enough seating?, prepare for a beating”

“We treat you like we treat your luggage”

“We beat the customer. Not the competition”

“Where voluntary is mandatory”

“Fight or flight. We decide”

“Now offering one free carry off”

“If our staff needs a seat, we’ll drag you out by your feet”

“A bloody good airline”

ricks327

MidShark

Drove by this on the other end of town a couple of weeks ago:

ricks327

GEM '62

Before there were interstates, when everyone drove the old 2 lane roads,
Burma Shave signs would be posted all over the countryside in farmers' fields.
They were small red signs with white letters.
Five signs, about 100 feet apart, each contain 1 line of a 4 line couplet......
and the obligatory 5th sign advertising Burma Shave, a popular shaving cream.


DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW
OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME
IN ANOTHER CAR.
Burma Shave




TRAINS DON'T WANDER
ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS
IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP
Burma Shave




SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH
BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS
HER HUSBAND JAKE
Burma Shave




DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD
TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD
YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT
Burma Shave




DROVE TOO LONG
DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT
IS NOT AMUSING
Burma Shave




BROTHER SPEEDER
LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER
GOOD MORNING, NURSE
Burma Shave




CAUTIOUS RIDER
TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL
AND A LITTLE MORE STEER
Burma Shave




SPEED WAS HIGH
WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN
X MARKS THE SPOT
Burma Shave


THE MIDNIGHT RIDE
OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER
HEMISPHERE
Burma Shave




AROUND THE CURVE
LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR
WASN'T IT?
Burma Shave




NO MATTER THE PRICE
NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE
IN THE CAR IS YOU
Burma Shave




A GUY WHO DRIVES
A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN'
HE'S JUST HOPIN'
Burma Shave




AT INTERSECTIONS
LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE
BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY
Burma Shave




BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL
EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL
DRIVER'S CODE
Burma Shave




THE ONE WHO DRIVES
WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU
TO DO HIS THINKING
Burma Shave




CAR IN DITCH
DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL
AND SO WAS HE.
Burma Shave




PASSING SCHOOL ZONE
TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE
SHAVERS GROW
Burma Shave

Do these bring back any old memories?
If not, you're merely a child.
If they do - then you're old as dirt. LIKE ME!


I STILL REMEMBER:
He saw the train
And tried to duck it
He kicked the gas
And then the bucket

ricks327

Kerrmudgeon

A guy is standing at the urinal taking a leak when another guy comes running it.

He whips out his 12" device and says " Whew! Just made it "

The other looks over and says ......



"...No kidding! Can you make me one, too?"

Kerrmudgeon

A man had a girlfriend named Wendy and he decided to get a tattoo of her name on his *****. When erect, it read "Wendy", and when flaccid, all you saw was "W" and "Y".

Out for dinner one day, he excused himself to the bathroom and went to the urinal, next to him was a Jamaican man. The man took a gander at the Jamaican's member and realized it had "W" and "Y" tattoo'd on it as well.

He looked at him and said: "So you're girlfriend's name is also Wendy?"
The Jamaican replied: "Nah man, it says: Welcome to Jamaica, have a nice day."

duramaxsky

ricks327

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: Do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: No sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: Your pet fish? How's that?
Man: Well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: Here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: Well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: Well??
Man: What?
Warden: The fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: What fish??

Kerrmudgeon

10 things they don't teach you in school...

show it to your kids.....

1. Life isn't fair. Get used to it.

2. The World doesn't give a **** about your self-esteem.

3. You won't make $75,000 a year right out of High School.

4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait until you get a boss.

5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents called it "Opportunity".

6. Your school might have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn't.

7. Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get Summers off.

8. Television is not real life. In real life people have to leave coffee shops and go to jobs.

9. Be nice to nerds. Chances are you will end up working for one.

10. If you are born poor it's not your mistake...but if you die poor it is your mistake.