Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning everyone....yup, it's me back from a.....holiday!
Mike's on a vacation with limited internet so all you funny guys will have to step up with material. It's your thread afterall.
________________________________________ _______________

First up some eye teasers from here and there.....

































Walking economy....

A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his friend, "I'm just a walking economy."

His friend replies, "What do you mean?"

"It's like this: My hairline is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a deep depression.



A bishop, a priest...

A bishop, a priest, and a deacon, were about to be executed for preaching the Gospel in a foreign land.They bring out the bishop first and the guard shots, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the bishop yells, “EARTHQUAKE!” When everyone looks around, the bishop runs off.Next they bring out the priest. They guard shouts, “Ready… aim…” and suddenly the priest yells, “TORNADO!” When everyone ducks, the priest runs off.By then, of course, the deacon had it figured out. They bring him out and when the guard shouts, “Ready… aim…,” suddenly the deacon yells, “FIRE!”



Price Check on Tampax

When Jane reached the checkout counter, she learned that one

of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when

the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the

store to hear, "Price check on Tampax, supersize please."

As if that was not bad enough, somebody at the rear of the

store misunderstood the word "Tampax" for "thumbtacks."

In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the

intercom, "Do you want the kind you push in with your thumb

or the kind you pound in with a hammer?"



Mrs. Cohn went to see her doct...

Mrs. Cohn went to see her doctor. When he inquired about her complaint she replied that she suffered from a discharge.
He said: "Get undressed, Mrs. Cohn, and lie down on the examining table."
She did, whereupon the doctor put on rubber gloves and began to massage her "private parts."
After a couple of minutes he asked: "How does that feel?"
"Wonderful," she replied, "But the discharge is from the ear."

Kerrmudgeon

[img]http://www.angryduck.com/pictures/1006/walmarts-best.jpg[img]





Little April.....

..... was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep. A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep. Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*****G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ****!" The Teacher fainted.

Kerrmudgeon

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My ***** is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant *****.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your ***** was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

Kerrmudgeon

A few interesting quotes .......

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.
- - - Charles, Count Talleyrand

No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have; and I think he's a dirty little beast.
- - - W. S. Gilbert

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.
- - - Oscar Wilde

Ordinarily he is insane. But he has lucid moments when he is only stupid.
- - - Heinrich Heine

She could carry off anything; and some people said that she did.
- - - Ada Leverson

She has been kissed as often as a police-court Bible, and by much the same class of people.
- - - Robertson Davies

She is such a good friend that she would throw all her acquaintances into the water for the pleasure of fishing them out again.
- - - Charles Talleyrand

She tells enough white lies to ice a wedding cake.
- - - Margot Asquith

She never lets ideas interrupt the easy flow of her conversation.
- - - Jean Webster

She never was really charming till she died.
- - - Terence

She not only expects the worst, but makes the worst of it when it happens.
- - - Michael Arlen

She plunged into a sea of platitudes, and with the powerful breast stroke of a channel swimmer, made her confident way towards the white cliffs of the obvious.
- - - W. Somerset Maugham

She proceeds to dip her little fountain-pen filler into pots of oily venom and to squirt the mixture at all her friends.
- - - Harold Nicholson

She should get a divorce and settle down.
- - - Jack Paar

She was kind of girl who'd eat all your cashews and leave you with nothing but peanuts and filberts.
- - - Raymond Chandler

She was like a sinking ship firing on the rescuers.
- - - Alexander Woollcott

She's been on more laps than a napkin.
- - - Walter Winchell

She's got such a narrow mind, when she walks fast her earrings bang together.
- - - John Cantu

She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
- - - Joan Rivers

She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success - wrong by wrong.
- - - Mae West

She's the sort of woman who lives for others -- you can tell the others by their hunted expression.
- - - C. S. Lewis

So boring you fall asleep halfway through her name.
- - - Alan Bennett

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- - - Oscar Wilde

Some folks are wise and some are otherwise.
- - - Tobias George Smolett

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee later than others.
- - - Kin Hubbard

Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.
- - - Joseph Heller "Catch-22"

That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
- - - Dorothy Parker

The finest woman that ever walked the streets.
- - - Mae West

The greatest thing since they reinvented unsliced bread.
- - - William Keegan

The perfection of rottenness.
- - - William James

The triumph of sugar over diabetes.
- - - George Jean Nathan

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation but not the power of speech.
- - - George Bernard Shaw

There but for the grace of God, goes God.
- - - Winston Churchill

There goes the famous good time that was had by all.
- - - Bette Davis

Where others have hearts, he carries a tumor of rotten principles.
- - - Jack London

You are so pure in mind and heart,
In aspect, too, so mild,
I wonder that you ever could
Implant your wife with child.
- - - Martial

You had to stand in line to hate him.
- - - Hedda Hopper

You have a good and kind soul. It just doesn't match the rest of you.
- - - Norm Papernick

You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.
- - - Mark Twain

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.
- - - Wilson Mizner

You were born with your legs apart. They'll send you to the grave in a Y-shaped coffin.
- - - Joe Orton

Your idea of fidelity is not having more than one man in bed at the same time.
- - - Frederic Raphael
Miscellaneous curmudgeonly comments

A graceful taunt is worth a thousand insults.
- - - Louis Nizer

A steaming pile of clichés and screaming unlikelihoods.
- - - Jessica Winters (about the movie Hostage)

As entertaining as watching a potato bake.
- - - Marc Savlov (about the movie, Taxi)

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
- - - Groucho Marx

Kerrmudgeon

Curvette1

Those Blond Men
A blond man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: Did you find the shampoo?
He answers: Yes, but I’m not sure what to do… it’s for dry hair, and I’ve just wet mine.
A blond man goes to the vet with his goldfish.
“I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.
The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

The blond man says, “Wait, I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”
A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND”
He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” asks the Doctor.
“No!” he shouts, “this is her husband!”

A blond man is in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
“Just WHAT are you doing?” he asks.
“Hanging myself,” the blond replies.
“The rope should be around your neck” says the guard.
“I tried that,” he replies, “but then I couldn’t breathe.”

An Italian tourist asks a blond man: Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?
To which the blonde man replies: If they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.”

Curvette1

Beautiful English.

I called an old school friend and asked what was he doing.
He replied that he is working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of
ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment".

I was impressed......

On further inquiry I learned that he was washing dishes, with
hot water... under his wife's supervision.

ricks327

During his physical, the doctor asked Steve
about his daily activity level.
He described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake,
drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush,
jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake,
marched up and down several rocky hills,
stood in a patch of poison ivy,
crawled out of quicksand
and took four leaks behind big trees.”

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,
“You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”

”NAH,” he replied, “I'm just a lousy golfer.”

ricks327

THE ITALIAN POKER CLUB
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table....
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

ricks327

TWO GUYS' GOLF OUTINGS—aging gracefully
Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to Michigan, the other to Florida.
They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play a round of golf.

**************************************** ********
At age 30 after they finish their round of golf, the Floridian asks the Michiganian"
"Where do you wanna go for lunch ?"
"Hooters."
"Why ?"
"Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks and the tight shorts, and the legs. "

"OK."
******************************
Ten years later at age 40 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
"Hooters.
"Why ?"
"Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games."

"OK."
******************************
Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
"Hooters."
"Why ?"
"The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking."

"OK."
******************************

At age 60 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
"Hooters."
"Why ?"
"Wings are half price.”

"OK"
******************************
At age 70 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
"Hooters."
"Why ?"
"They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the front door.”

"OK."
******************************
At age 80 they play a round of golf.
"Where you wanna go ?"
"Hooters."
"Why ?"

“We've never been there before.”

" OK."

Kerrmudgeon

Did you ever play golf and this happened?.....

dkleather

Kerrmudgeon

A couple from Billy Schmitt......

Humor a Lobsterman Would Enjoy!

A few days after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Bar Harbor man answered his door to find two grim-faced Harbor Master officers.
"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife,"
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
One officer said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news"!
Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found
"Lord Tunderin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. What could possibly be the good news?"
The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best
looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 60's, and we feel you are entitled to a share of the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow.



Mexican wall?

Mexicans were asked what they thought of Trump's proposed wall.
They replied, "We are very upset ....but we'll get over it."

out2kayak

101 Ways To Annoy People (not counting this post)

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sensual massage.'

3. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go.'

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of 'Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip...'

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.

7. Speak only in a 'robot' voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will 'swipe your grub.'

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog 'Dog.'

15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions 'to keep them tuned up.'

16. Reply to everything someone says with 'that's what YOU think.'

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your 'astronaut training.'

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for 'violating your airspace.'

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a 'real hoot.'

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and 'cc:' them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a 'spider person.'

26. Finish all your sentences with the words 'in accordance with prophesy.'

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and 'accidentally' flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you 'like it that way.'

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a 'croaking' noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of 'Sweating to the Oldies' over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with 'ooh la la!'

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write 'X - BURIED TREASURE' in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: 'Do you hear that?' 'What?' 'Never mind, it's gone now.'

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as 'Conquistador.'

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing 'Jingle Bells, Batman smells' until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says 'Magnificent One.'

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce 'no, wait, I messed it up,' and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off 'in case the big one comes.'

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as 'Feliz Navidad,' the Archies' 'Sugar' or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to 'John Aaaaasmith' for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each 'a.'

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your 'superior mental processing.'

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant 'swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!'

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your 'imaginary friend.'

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about 'psychological profiles.'

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a 'magic picture.'

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate 'crop circles' in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend 'tricorder,' and 'scan' people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

out2kayak

With all the animus between CNN and the POTUS, perhaps CNN could use these headlines:

1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While

19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge

21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

24. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Kerrmudgeon

Where are all you other posters?......holidays?

Hey Malcolm, our favourite kiwi.....got anything?

Roger Walling

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on the interstate. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out two cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing on-coming traffic. They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They're dressed in open trench coats that exposed their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

But to my surprise, cars started slowing down to look at my lifelike men. And, of course, traffic began backing up. Everybody tooted their horns and waved like crazy. It wasn't long before a state trooper pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and walked towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Helloooooo, those are my emergency flashers!"

Roger Walling

Vun day, Sven vas valking down da street ven who did he see driving a brand new Chevrolet? It vas Ole. Ole pulled up to him vit a vide smile.
“Ole, vere did ya get dat car?” Sven asked.
“Lena gave it to me”.
“She gave it to you? I knew she vas sveet on you, but dis?”.
“Vell, let me tell you vat happened. Ve vere driving out on county road 6, in da middle of novere. Lena pulled off da road into da woods. She parked, got out of da car, trew off alla her clothes and said, “Ole take vatever you vant.”...So I took da car”
“Ole, your a smart man, dem clothes never voulda fit ya.”

Roger Walling

Next up was little Johnny. that had to tell a story with a moral.

"My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."
The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.
"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f**k with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Roger Walling

Kerrmudgeon, I think that it's OK to tell this joke now,

Doctor: "You have cataract in your eyes. But you need not worry It is hereditary."
Patient: "Death is also hereditary. Does it mean we should not worry about it?"