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Isn’t it amazing how potatoes give us French Fries and Vodka.
The rest of the vegetables should get their **** together.
Little Johnny's Sister:
(Oh No!!! He has a sister?)
Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mom, “Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!”
But before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say, “It reminded me of a peanut.”
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mom asked, “Really small, was it?”
Sally replied, “No... Salty.”
Some of these fit so well they should be in a dictionary!
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have....similar to my character lines.
OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair.
She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
. . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!
In youth, the days are short and the years are long.
In old age, the years are short and days long.
BAD NEWS - KEEP PAPER LIVE!
A doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her. As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." "Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
A man was riding on a full bus minding his own business when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breast-feed her baby. The baby wouldn't take it so she said, "Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us." Five minutes later the baby was still not feeding, so she said, "Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give it to this nice man here." A few minutes later the anxious man blurted out, "Come on kid. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!"
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground where the cat can't get it. He got an A.
An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside. "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me." "But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?" "You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Then one-a day you gonna comea home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "
A woman and her 12-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings. "Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?" "They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied. The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?" His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes." After a few minutes the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?" She said, "Most of them become taxi drivers."
An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103. She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
National Orgasm Day
A guy turns to his wife in bed and whispers, "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"
"Oh,what a pity," she said, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week."
One day, while an elderly golfer was chipping his ball from near a water hazard,
his club fell into the water. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The golfer replied that his club had fallen into water, and he needed the club to win
the tournament to supplement his meager pension. The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden club, "Is this your club?" the Lord asked.
The golfer replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver club, "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. Again, the golfer replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron club, "Is this your club?" the Lord asked. The golfer replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the golfer's honesty and gave him all three clubs to keep, and the golfer went home happy.
Sometime later the golfer was walking with his wife along the water hazard, and she fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my woman has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with Kate Upton. "Is this your woman?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the golfer.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The golfer replied, "Oh, forgive me Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Kate Upton, You would have come up with Jennifer Anniston. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my woman. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
And Lord, I am an old man not able to take care of all three women in a way that they deserve, that's why I said yes to Kate Upton." And God was pleased.
The moral of this story is: If a golfer ever tells a lie, it is for a good and honorable reason, and only out of consideration for others!
Dr Seth had sex with one of his patients…
He felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Seth, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of their patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Seth."
But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering:
"Seth..... Seth..... Seth, You're a ******* vet!"
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book
Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps.
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants. But he's not buying it, in fact he's still making fun of me.
I asked my boss "what's the difference between your wife and tomorrow?"
"I'm not coming in tomorrow"
My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday. I accidentally said: "**** you Helen you ruined my ******* life"
Passionate Sex at 95
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Rubia went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning. Horrified, Rubia told her grandmother that people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. 'Oh no, my dear,' replied granny.! 'Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring.. It was just the right rhythm.. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong. 'She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued........ 'He'd still be alive if the damn fire engine had not passed by'.
First time buying condoms
I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, ‘No, this is my first time.’
So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.
‘Just a minute,’ she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. ‘Do these excite you?’ She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.
‘Well, come on’, she said, ‘We don’t have much time.’ So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOWWWWWWWW, I was done within a few moments.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. ‘Did you put that condom on?’ she asked.
I said, ‘I sure did,’ and held up my thumb to show her.
She fainted.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Oliver Purblicoff was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing, he realized that his wife, Maureen, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her directly in the temple, killing her instantly.
A few days later, Oliver got a call from the coroner regarding her autopsy.
Coroner: "Oliver, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force-trauma to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the temple, is that correct?"
Oliver: "Yes, sir, that's correct."
Coroner: "Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her butt."
Oliver: "Was it a Titleist 3?”
Coroner: "Yes, it was."
Oliver: "That was my provisional.”
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 07-14-2017 at 06:07 PM.
Knee and hip problems are an affliction that an estimated 80% of Americans or more will suffer. Health reports:
The average age at which people with osteoarthritis (any joint) had been diagnosed was 50.4 years (95% CI: 49.4-51.4); the average age at which symptoms were first experienced was 47.6 years (95% CI: 46.5-48.7) (Table 3). These estimates include all individuals with osteoarthritis, regardless of the timing of events—symptoms preceded, occurred same year, or followed diagnosis. As well, the averages pertaining to osteoarthritis in the knee or hip do not account for the possibility that these people had been diagnosed with osteoarthritis in another joint before they experienced symptoms in the hip and/or knee.
I am glad to report that a simple set of exercises done once a day has had astonishing results in the treatment of people in their seventies and would have been even more effective if they had started earlier. However, if this exercise helps you to regain the flexibility and mobility you had when you were twenty, I shall be glad I brought it to your notice. You should be able to notice a change within a week.
The video demonstrates the exercises. No need to thank me. Your health is my happiness.
The plane leaves Heathrow Airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike. Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters,
'I don't like Chinese.. .'
'No rike Chinese?' asks the copilot, 'why not?'
'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.'
'Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese...Doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence...
'I no rike Jews!' the copilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' Asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? That's insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
'Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah...all frucking same!!'
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?"
'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then she parachuted right into the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.
She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."
''Good Heavens, 'said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"
"Don't **** with Mommy when she's been drinking."
I love these touching stories, don't you!
A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called - and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house.
The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:
1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.
Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train.. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Michael O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little O'Connor,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy, 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast, and a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.'
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Judge: Look here Mickey Mouse, I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie.
Mickey (stunned): Why not?
Judge: I have reviewed all the information you gave the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy.
Mickey (exasperated): Your honor! I didn't say she was crazy... I said she was ******* Goofy!
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: Are you the owner?
The pharmacist answers, Yes.
Jacob: Were about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?
Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety. The works.
Jacob: What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsons disease?
Pharmacist: Absolutely.
Jacob: You sell wheelchairs and walkers?
Pharmacist: All speeds and sizes.
Jacob: We would like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."
A grumpy old man walks into a local First Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I wanna join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, dammit. I said I want to join this damn church!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.” The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There IS no damn problem!” the man says. “Looky here, I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”
“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time?”
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
It was time for Mrs Smith, an affluent lady of the local community to have her yearly physical. She went to her family doctor and after he took various vital signs gave her the results.
Dr Williams explained that her blood pressure was slightly higher due to the increase in her weight from last year.
Mrs Smith went off on him "Don't you know who I am? How dare you insinuate I'm overweight"
As she stormed out of the doctors office, she yelled back "I'm getting a second opinion".
She decided to go to Dr Jones for the check up.
She was explaining how Dr Williams had the audacity to insinuate she was overweight as he did his exam.
He was reviewing the chart when he looked up at her and replied "Not only are you fat, you're ugly too"
07-14-2017, 12:29 AM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES June 15th (@Y@)
