Kerrmudgeon

Little Mary....

Little Mary was out with her Grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs ******* on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"
"How do you mean?" asked the Grandma.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said Mary, "and they screw you every time!"



Anagrams

George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

Snooze Alarms: Wen you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

Eleven plus two: When you rearrange the letters: Twelve plus one



Hole-y man....

A man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the button holes out of his shirt and the pocked from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes. A police officer who was observing the man asked him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that showed he was an ordained minister of the gospel. When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.“Look, we both know it’s the best place for you now,” the officer replied. “Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn’t save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons.”





















Why dogs are better than women.....

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, If I died, would you getanother dog??
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you apervert.
12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just thinkit's interesting..
13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
And last, but not least:
14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.

Roger Walling

One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the rich man said.
'But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, 'You come with us, also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, 'But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.'

'Bring them all, as well,' the rich fellow answered.
They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich gent and said, 'Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The rich man replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.'

Roger Walling

A young man got a new job running the register at a store. The old store owner said he would teach him how to up-sell.

"Watch how I do it," he said to the new hire.

As a customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter, the old-timer said to him, "When you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing, you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut the grass."

"You know," said the man, "I do need a new mower. Sure, I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one."

A customer stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman said, "You know, you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?"

"It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass."

ricks327

One evening, after the honeymoon, a man was cleaning his golf clubs 🏌 & tennis 🎾 stuff in the garage.
His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your tennis stuff along with your gun collection, fishing gear, golf clubs, and that stupid vintage Corvette!

He got a horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
He replied: “I wasn't."