Kerrmudgeon

Good morning everyone!
I hope you are all enjoying the hot weather....even up here it's pretty warm. Good time for an evening drive with the top down, my favourite time to cruise. Keep the shiny side up!
Let's see some stuff to put smiles on faces ....
________________________________________ ________

Some stolen Gifs to start.....






























Mary Clancy......
..... goes up to Father McGuire after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun.' "



A laywoman was driving down the street in a sweat because she had an important meeting and couldn’t find a parking space. Looking up toward heaven, she said, “Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I’ll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of my life and give up drinking wine.”Miraculously, a parking space opened up right in front of her destination.The woman looked up to heaven and said, “Never mind, Lord; I found one on my own.”



Two vampire bats.....
....wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."
"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."
The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave.
When he returns, he is covered with blood.
The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?"
The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"
"Yes," the other bat answers.
"Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."



My Dad Scribbles....
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And, it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

Kerrmudgeon

Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."



Shopping......

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.
There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."
Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"



Size matters.....

When the man first noticed that his ***** was growing longer, he was delighted.

But several weeks and several inches later, he became concerned and went to see a urologist.

While his wife waited outside, the physician examined him and explained that, thought rare his condition could be corrected by minor surgery.

The patient's wife anxiously rushed up to the doctor after the examination and was told of the diagnosis and the need for surgery.

"How long will he be on crutches?" she asked.

"Crutches???" the doctor asked.

"Well, yes," the woman said "You are going to lengthen his legs, aren't you?"

Kerrmudgeon

Just follow the ball.....

Kerrmudgeon

Kim Jong Un as a kid.....



Spock fun....




Trumped up.....




Long jump king....



Anyone watching Game of Thrones......

steampunk c1

THREE WOMEN

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work.

The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion , they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes...

Sipping her drink , the single girl leered and said, 'Last Friday at the end of the workday I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it, and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings, and stiletto heels. He was so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!'

The engaged woman giggled and said, 'That' s pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, bla ck hos e, and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only made love all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!'

The married woman put her glass down and said, 'I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings, and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask.

When my husband got home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down, and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?''

Kerrmudgeon

Hey Malcolm......what's happening on your side of the world?

steampunk c1

Mid winter cold blast wind rain minor flooding hay its winter.

steampunk c1

Irelands worst air disaster struck today when a 2 seater planes crashed into a cemetery.

Irish rescue workers have recovered 826 bodies.

Digging continues.

steampunk c1

I was in a restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized
I desperately needed to fart. The music was really,
really loud, so I timed my fart with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my
coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.



. . .. And how was your day?

steampunk c1

A tourist has spent many days lost in the Australian outback without water.

His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has taken his last breath,when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Her Majesty's Revenue and Customs badge and a dull grey dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook and she has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well," says the genie... "You know how I work, you have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust a HMRC genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF***

The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen, and he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK",says the Genie. "What's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK." says the Genie."You have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says. "I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF***

He is turned into a tampon

And, the moral of the story:


If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

steampunk c1

Do you ever worry about the NHS at all? (email doing the rounds)
You should - These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in
NHS Greater Glasgow



1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.

3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a
40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very
hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it
disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but
forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x -rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she
got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical
therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane
ran out of fuel and crashed.

29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

30. S he slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate
directions in early December.

31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on
the abdomen and I agree.

32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
stock broker instead.

33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was
feeling better.

plaidside

Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand,
clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table....

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"

So Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares:
"Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.

Kerrmudgeon

Rosebuds...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Bowtyeguy

What's the difference between OJ and Tang?

Tang won't kill you.

What's the difference between OJ and Colonel Sanders? Colonel Sanders cuts up his chicks before he batters them.

Q: Who's the dumbest person in America?

A: OJ's next girlfriend!

Q: What's the difference between Rodney King and O. J. Simpson
A: O.J. started out with millions.

Q: Why were some people in L.A. disappointed by the O. J. Parole hearing?
A: They already had new TV sets picked out!

Q: Why will O.J. be set free before Thanksgiving?
A: He is the only one in his family who can carve up white meat.

Q: What did OJ say after his parole was approved?
A: "Just let me grab my hat and gloves and I'll meet you at the door."

Q: What distinction does OJ hold in jail?
A: He's the first inmate with a retired number.

GEM '62

BLACK BRA size 38

The Business Deal
cid:E9A7DB6AA12146C3B6FFFAAC9FA997C9@Jen nyToshiba

A Chinese guy goes into a Jewish-owned establishment to buy black bras, size 38. The Jewish store keeper, known for his skills as a businessman, says that black bras are rare and that he is finding it very difficult to buy them from his suppliers. Therefore he has to charge $50.00 for them.

The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs.

He returns a few days later and this time orders 50.

The Jewish owner tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each.

The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the store's remaining stock of 50 and this time for $75.00 each.
The Jewish owner is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, "...please tell me - What do you do with all these black bras?"

The Chinese guy answers: "I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to Jewish men for $200.00 each."




..and this is why the Chinese own us!

Business is Business!

GEM '62

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and say, "Congrats."
But, none of them comes up to the man - touch his ***** and say, "Good job."

Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Porsche than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

Kerrmudgeon

For when an epic fail wasn't enough.

MAD IN NC

Wife, "So, what did you do today"
Husband, "I changed a light bulb"
Wife, "That's all?"
Husband, ”Yes,” I had a drone film it, look







THE ITALIAN FIDELITY TEST
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year. So we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister, Sofia.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.

She would regularly bend down when she was near me. I always got more than a nice view.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it around anyone else.
One day she called me and asked me to come over. 'To check my Sister's wedding- invitations' she said.

She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me. She couldn't overcome them anymore. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married. She said "Before you commit your life to my sister".

Well, I was in total shock, and I couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm
going upstairs to my bedroom" she said, "if you want one last wild fling, just come up and have me".

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment. Then turned and made a bee-line straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord and behold, my fiancé's entire family was standing outside, all clapping and cheering!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me. He said, 'Frankie, we are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family my son.'

And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.


The following questions were set in last year's GED examination These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. How is dew formed
A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q... What happens to your body as you age
A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A.. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U

Q. What is the fibula?
A.. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A.. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)

AND THE BEST IS LAST:::

Q. What is a turbine?
A.. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we’re getting somewhere)

Our society is doomed!

plaidside

Try to guess what these pictures represent before scrolling down.
Very clever.
Joe






eggplant






Doctor Pepper





pool table






Tap dancers






Card Shark





The King of Pop







I Pod






Gator-Aide







Knight mare







Hole Milk







Light Beer

Roger Walling

Simon's motor mower had broken down. His wife, Maria, kept dropping hints about getting it fixed before the grass grew too tall, but the message wasn't getting through, and Simon kept procrastinating and putting off doing the repairs.

Frustrated, Maria decided on what she thought was a clever way to make her point. When Simon arrived home from work, he found Maria sitting in the grass, clipping it by hand with a tiny pair of scissors.

Simon, totally amazed, watched silently for a few minutes, then went into the house only to appear again a few minutes later where he handed her a toothbrush.

'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalks,' said Simon ungraciously.