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If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines 5 years ago, you would have $49.00 today . If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG 5 years ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers 5 years ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for the recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily and recycle. It is called the 401- Keg.
And as a bonus...
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that on average Americans drink 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that the average American gets about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you darn proud to be an American!
A couple of us local retired types living in the Gray Ghetto were asked to address a high school gathering put on by the PTA. As luck would have it,
I was the only speaker to show up, so I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual stuff; and since I had plenty of time because those other guys didn't show, I threw it open for questions. The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?”
I said, “That’s an easy one. Looking back over my 6+ decades, I believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and ******. The rest I just wasted.”
I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:
1) If it flies, floats, or *****, it’s cheaper to rent it!
2) If it’s got **** or tires, you’re gonna have problems with it.
I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish. Kids need to know this stuff.
The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade. One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'Remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. 'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'
The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'
The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your ******* bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
I knew the day would come when men had an answer to Maxine.
Meet Marvin, men's answer to Maxine Men strike back!
How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. -----------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. -----------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. -----------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me.... -----------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ----------------------------------------------------------
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,
Who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ----------------------------------------------------------
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. ----------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives? They want to. ------------------------------------------------------
Women will never be equal to men Until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. ------------------------------------------------------
Send this to a few good men who need a laugh and to a select group of women who can handle it!
AND MAXINE SAYS............'MARVIN'...
Maxine just had to have the last word.
The Thirsty Criminal….
A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later, he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.
He is close to desperation when suddenly, he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.
'Hey you, do you have water?' Pants the criminal. The old man replied, 'I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'
The criminal, frustrated shouted, 'you moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should kill you right here, but I have to find some water first!"
'There's no call for threats,' said the old tie seller indignantly, 'but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice cold water you can drink. Good luck!"
Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the other man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.
"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.
"They won't let me in without a tie..."
A taxi driver was being interrogated after an accident.
Police Officer: So, how did you kill 59 people?
Taxi Driver: I was driving at 80km/h, when I saw two men crossing the road. On the other side, a wedding was taking place. I hit the brakes, but they failed.
Police Officer: And?
Taxi Driver: So, I had to make the choice of either hitting the two men, or the wedding party.
Police Officer: You hit the two men, of course!
Taxi Driver: Exactly! We think alike! Problem was, after hitting one of the men, the other escaped to the wedding party, so I went after him.
A couple take their son to the circus After a while the father gets up to get some popcorn. While he is away the little boy notices something hanging down between the elephants legs. "Mommy, what is that hanging down on the elephant?", the boy asks. The embarrassed mother says "Oh, that's nothing honey", and is relieved when the father returns with the popcorn. Not satisfied with the mother's answer the little boy waits until his mother leaves to use the bathroom and asks his father "Dad, what is that hanging down between the elephant's legs?". Dad answers, " That's the elephant's *****". The little boy says, "Well how come when I asked mom she said that it was nothing?". Dad leans back and says "Son, I've spoiled that woman....."
Why did Roy Moore go for underage girls?
He didn’t want to commit adultery.
A guy and his two friends are driving
The first guy is in the back, rolling his eyes. They had been partying. One friend was bragging about the women he had been with. Another was driving, and was bragging about his keg standing talent. Our guy has tried to do good all his life, and has successfully avoided both pleasures.
The cars takes a corner too fast and all three are killed.
Our guy wakes up weightless, in a bank clouds. There's no one in sight. He starts searching for others, and sees one of his friends in the distance. "What's up! Look what they got up here!" His friend shouts at him. He's cradling a keg under his arm.
Puzzled, our guy looks around and sees his other friend. "Hey man, check it out!" In his arms are two tall blondes, completely naked.
Our guy, angry now, looks around and sees St. Peter. "What's going on here?! I've been good all my life, and you mean to tell me it was all for nothing?" St.Peter rests his hand on his shoulder. "My son, all is not as it appears. You see, the keg, it has a hole in it. And the women...they do not"
A man, married 25 years, took a look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed, and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
The wife responds, "Go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and I will make sure that you will once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, and sleeping on a sofa bed.
Is there a God?
Scientists have created an AI, and asked it, "Is there a God?"
The AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
The scientists connected the AI to a powerful supercomputer and gave it access to Wikipedia, and asked it again, "Is there a God?"
Again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer."
So the scientists put the AI on a distributed cluster of millions of computers and gave it access to all the data on the Google, then once again asked it, "Is there a God?"
And yet again, the AI replied, "Insufficient computing power to determine an answer".
The scientists spend years and years, and finally got the AI to be installed on every supercomputer, network, PC, console, mobile device, smartwatch, anything with a chip. They gave the AI access to every database, website, book, social media platform, every piece of software ever written and every piece of knowledge ever obtained by mankind. And for the last time, they asked the AI, "Is there a God?"
Ten reasons to vote Democrat by David Letterman
#10. I vote Democrat because I love the fact that I can now marry whatever I want. I've decided to marry my German Shepherd..
#9. I vote Democrat because I believe oil companies' profits of 4% on a gallon of gas are obscene, but the government taxing the same gallon at 15% isn't.
#8. I vote Democrat because I believe the government will do a better job of spending the money I earn than I would.
#7. I vote Democrat because Freedom of Speech is fine as long as nobody is offended by it.
#6. I vote Democrat because I'm way too irresponsible to own a gun, and I know that my local police are all I need to protect me from murderers and thieves. I am also thankful that we have a 911 service that gets police to your home in order to identify your body after a home invasion.
#5. I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.
#4. I vote Democrat because I think illegal aliens have a right to free
health care, education, and Social Security benefits, and we should take
away Social Security from those who paid into it.
#3. I vote Democrat because I believe that businesses should not be allowed to make profits for themselves. They need to break even and give the rest away to the government for redistribution as the Democrat Party sees fit.
#2. I vote Democrat because I believe liberal judges need to rewrite the Constitution every few days to suit fringe kooks who would never get their agendas past the voters.
And, the #1 reason I vote Democrat is because I think it's better to pay $billions$ for oil to people who hate us, but not drill our own because it might upset some endangered beetle, gopher, or fish here in America. We don't care about the beetles, gophers, or fish in those other countries.
FINALLY, A TRADE DEAL BETWEEN THE U.S. AND NORTH KOREA:
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your ********* are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my ********* are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered.. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his *********, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his ********* as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's ********* were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president.. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the ***** of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'
I was walking in the mall and I saw that there was a Muslim bookstore.
The sign outside led me to wonder just what exactly was in a Muslimbookstore, so I went in.
As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk gave me the stink eye,
but asked if he could help me.
I know I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have acopy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims
and illegal aliens?"
The clerk said, "Kiss my ***, Get out, and Stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Senior Guessing
Eighty-year-old Bessie bursts into the recreation room of the retirement home.
She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand, can take me out to dinner tonight!”
A witty, elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and replies, “Close enough!”
A woman.....
.......goes to the doctor and she's all black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Bud Light he beats me up."
Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Bud Light stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
Best friends???
Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"
Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."
So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"
Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."
They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."
"Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"
A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."
.....
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 11-17-2017 at 12:42 PM.
Harry Truman was a different kind of President. He probably made as many, or more important decisions regarding our nation's history as any of the other 42 Presidents preceding him. However, a measure of his greatness may rest on what he did after he left the White House.
The only asset he had when he died was the house he lived in, which was in Independence Missouri. His wife had inherited the house from her mother and father and other than their years in the White House, they lived their entire lives there.
When he retired from office in 1952 his income was a U.S. Army pension reported to have been $13,507.72 a year. Congress, noting that he was paying for his stamps and personally licking them, granted him an 'allowance' and, later, a retroactive pension of $25,000 per year.
After President Eisenhower was inaugurated, Harry and Bess drove home to Missouri by themselves. There was no Secret Service following them.
When offered corporate positions at large salaries, he declined, stating, "You don't want me. You want the office of the President, and that doesn't belong to me. It belongs to the American people and it's not for sale."
Even later, on May 6, 1971, when Congress was preparing to award him the Medal of Honor on his 87th birthday, he refused to accept it, writing, "I don't consider that I have done anything which should be the reason for any award, Congressional or otherwise."
As president he paid for all of his own travel expenses and food.
Modern politicians have found a new level of success in cashing in on the Presidency, resulting in untold wealth. Today, many in Congress also have found a way to become quite wealthy while enjoying the fruits of their offices. Political offices are now for sale.
Good old Harry Truman was correct when he observed, "My choices in life were either to be a piano player in a ***** house or a politician. And to tell the truth, there's hardly any difference! ”
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Definitely......
A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely". To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either." Finally, Billy raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So Billy replies, "Then I definitely just **** my pants."
The Irish...
A Guinness brewery worker travels to the home of his co-worker with bad news.
'I'm sorry Mary, but Keith died at the brewery today'.
'Oh my god!' replied Mary, 'What happened?!'
'He drown in a vat of Guinness Stout' said the worker, sadly.
'That's terrible! Was it a quick death at least?' asked Mary.
'I'm afraid not,' the worker replied, 'He got out twice to take a ****'.
"Dear Joseph, your uncle Sean drowned in a vat of whiskey last week. Two men jumped in to save him, but he fought them off hard."
A rough and tough cowboy finishes his drink at a bar and gets up to leave. A minute later, he comes back in saying with a mean look in his eye "I'm going to sit down and have one more drink, and if my horse isn't back where I left it, I'm gonna have to do what I done in Texas, And I really don't wanna have to do what I done back in Texas!"
True to his word, he sits down, orders another drink, sits in the [silent] bar and finishes his drink. He then gets up and walks outside and sure enough, his horse is back tied up where he left it. As he's just about to ride off, one of the other patrons timidly asks, "mister? What was it you had to do in Texas?" The cowboy gets a far off look in his eyes and says sadly, "I had to walk home."
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe.
Finally, he realized his solution.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to ****.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants.
Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
11-16-2017, 11:07 PM
(@Y@) Friday Funnies - Nov. 17th weekend (@Y@)
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