MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

Kerrmudgeon

Roger Walling

SIGNS YOU'RE IN AMERICA

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-- a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
-- there are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
-- Sick people must walk to the back of the drugstore to get their prescriptions, while healthy people can buy cigarettes in the front.
-- Banks leave both vault doors open, but pens are chained to the counters.
-- Expensive cars sit in the driveways and useless junk fills garages.
-- people use voice mail to screen calls and call waiting to catch every call they might miss.
-- Drive-Up ATM machines feature Braille lettering.

Roger Walling

Cold Winter The Indians asked their Chief in Autumn if the Winter was going to be cold or not. Not really knowing an answer, the chief replies that the Winter was going to be cold with lots of snow and that the members of the village were to collect wood to be prepared. Being a good leader, he then went to the next phone booth and called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is this winter to be cold?" The man on the phone responded, "This Winter is going to be quite cold indeed." So the Chief went back to speed up his people to collect even more wood to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again, "Is it going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very cold Winter." So the Chief goes back to his people and orders them to go and find every scrap of wood they can find. Two weeks later he calls the National Weather Service again: "Are you absolutely sure that the Winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replies, "the Indians are collecting wood like crazy!" New England Home My husband and I purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and the years first snow came early and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation. "If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband confidently declared. One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a rather brief conversation, he hung up. "For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

Ear Muffs Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman. Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest snowy day, the project manager asked, "Didn't you like the muffs?" The Foreman said, "They're a thing of beauty." "Why don't you wear them?" The Project Manager said. The Foreman explained, "I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn't hear him! Never again, never again!"


Snow Plow A blonde driving a car became lost in a snowstorm. She didn't panic however, because she remembered what her dad had once told her. "If you ever get stuck in a snowstorm, just wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it." Sure enough, pretty soon a snow plow came by, and she started to follow it. She followed the plow for about forty-five minutes. Finally the driver of the truck got out and asked her what she was doing. And she explained that her dad had told her if she ever got stuck in a snow storm, to follow a plow. The driver nodded and said, "Well, I'm done with the Wal-Mart par

It Was So Snowy that Hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs! Roosters were rushing into Kentucky Fried Chicken and begging to use the pressure cooker!

When I dialed 911, a recorded message said to phone back in the spring!
The optician was giving away free snow scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses!
Kids were using a new excuse to stay up late: "But Mom, my pajamas haven't thawed out yet!"

Richard Simmons started wearing pants! A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring.

UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii!
Pickpockets were sticking their hands in strangers' pockets just to keep them warm!

The squirrels in the park were throwing themselves at an electric fence! My Dad was wearing golfing gloves on both hands!
The dogs were wearing cats!
Starbucks was serving coffee on a stick!

People with traffic tickets would plead guilty and beg for the electric chair! Terrorists started to stockpile weapons-grade hot chocolate!

Levi Strauss started manufacturing electric jeans!
The rats were bribing the alley cats for a snuggle.

We had to chop up the piano for firewood - but we only got two chords.
We had to carry around hammers and chisels so we could get out of our parkas! When we milked the cows, we got ice cream! When we milked the brown cows - we got chocolate ice cream!

Words froze in the air. If you wanted to hear what someone said, you had to grab a handful of sentences and take them in by the fire!

The dogs had to put jumper cables on the rabbits - just to get them running! Playboy magazine stopped publishing because no women would take their clothes off.

We pulled everything out of the freezer and huddled inside it to warm up!

The Husky Association was making emergency service calls to get the dog teams started! When we parked the sled, we either had to plug in the dogs - or keep them running in place!

Kerrmudgeon

Just how old are you?.....if you can remember these tv ads...you're older than DIRT!