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OK, here we are another year on Kermudgeon being his B-DAY today.....
Robbie is a friend that we now share his started Friday Funnies....
Today is his Robbie's Birthday along with celebrating with his namesake of..."Robert" Burns which in Scotland is a national event called Burns Supper Club....
Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters
in a separate private "OFF LIMITS" area on all aircraft carriers.
While addressing all personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised,
"Female sleeping quarters will be "out-of-bounds" for all males.
Anyone caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."
An the Admiral continued,
"Anyone caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, a US Marine from the security detail assigned to a ship
stood up in the crowd and inquired:
"How much for a season pass?"
APRIL 22, 2014 – A 19-year-old Tennessee woman had a loaded handgun hidden in her vagina when she was brought into jail yesterday afternoon following a collar for driving with a suspended license, police report.
As Dallas Archer was being booked into the Kingsport jail, a female
corrections officer alerted to an "unknown object"? in the teenager's crotch during a search. The jailer and a female cop then accompanied Archer to a bathroom for further examination, a review that led to the recovery of a North American Arms 22 LR revolver (loaded) which Ms. Dallas had concealed in her vagina,? according to a Kingsport Police Department report.
A subsequent check revealed that the five-shot mini-revolver (which is four inches in length) had been “stolen from an auto burglary in 2013.” The handgun, which police valued at $250, is owned by John Souther, a
70-year-old retired car salesman.
In an interview, Souther said that the gun was taken from his 1994 Mustang, which was “ransacked” last year while parked in his Kingsport carport. Souther said that police told him that the revolver had been recovered, but offered no further details. When told where the gun had been stashed, Souther said, “Oh, gosh.” He noted that he would eventually like “the little fellow” returned, but added that the weapon would require “a bath in bleach.”
News of the weapon in Archer’s vagina was first reported by the Kingsport
Times-News. Archer, seen in the above mug shot, was charged with gun
possession and introducing contraband into a penal facility. According to a
jail official, Archer was released from custody after posting $6000 bond.
AND NOW THE READER RESPONSES:
1. I thought it was her gun. Turns out it was snatched!
2. Gives new meaning to a gun having a "hair trigger".
3. Happiness is a warm gun?
4. At four inches in length it comes off as half cocked.
5. "For sale AA 22 LR never used; still in the box."
6. The report reads, "Introducing contraband into a penal facility."
Shouldn't that be 'penile' facility?
7. If it went off, could you call it her 'boom box'?
8. Remember: Every vagina is to be treated as if it is loaded. Always keep
it pointed in a safe direction.
9. They say it was a gun, but something smells fishy.
10. You can have my gun when you can pry it from my cold, stinking . .. .
11. An accident waiting to happen . . . could 'shoot the beaver'.
12. I have heard of shooting your mouth off, but this takes on a "hole" new meaning...
13. Complete reversal on the classic, "Is that a pistol in your pocket or
are you just glad to see me?"
14. I wonder if she had 'gun-areah'?
15. Gives a whole new meaning to "Vaginal Discharge".
16. Do you suppose she had a 'rectal reloader'?
17. A gun in hand is worth 2 in the bush?
18. Figures . . . it uses 'rim shot' ammo.
19. This supports the "Big Bang"? theory.
20. She was packing a loaded vagina.
21. If it goes off during sex, she will be coming and going at the same
time.
The Vibrator
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard a
strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed
her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and
this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go
away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the
other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'Dad I'm
thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever
get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the
groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming
from, of all places, the living room. She entered that area and observed
her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at
the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the f... are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'I'm watching football with my son-in-law..."
This applies to all parties and their seated representatives. How nice. And good luck seeing any changes.
Too close to the truth to not hurt. Try sending this to your boss…..
-----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Boss,
I have enjoyed working here these past several years. You have paid me very well, given me benefits beyond belief. I have 3-4 months off per year and a pension plan that will pay my salary till the day I die and a health plan that most people can only dream about.
Despite this I plan to take the next 12-18 months to find a new position.
During this time I will show up for work when it is convenient. In addition I fully expect to draw my full salary and all the other perks associated with my current job.
Oh yeah, if my search for this new job proves fruitless, I will be back with no loss in pay or status. Before you say anything, remember that you have no choice in the matter. I can and will do this.
Sincerely,
Every Senator or Congressman running for President.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Try that at your job and tell me how it works out.
For 2018……
1. My goal for 2017 was to lose 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through **** carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me..
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed school? Nah, me either.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 65. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. November 6, 2017 was the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you didn't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.
Pass this along to your fellow seniors.
A guy is drinking in a bar...
After his last drink, he tries to stand up and falls. He starts crawling out of the bar. He crawls out of the bar, he crawls in the street, trying to hold on to something, but each time he falls and he just keeps crawling home. He crawls up his stairs, he crawls to his bedroom, and finally he crawls into his bed next to his wife. The morning after, he wakes up to find his wife looking pissed off.
"Did you get wasted last night ? Again ?"
" No no no sweetie, what makes you say that ?"
" The bartender called, you forgot your f***ing weelchair there."
A guy ate a restaurant……
He noticed that the waiter's thumb was touching the soup when he brought the appetizer to the table.
"Excuse me. Half of your thumb was in my soup."
"Oh I am sorry!"
As the guy was enjoying the soup, the waiter brought out the main course. Again, his thumb was sticking in the food.
"Didn't I ask that you leave your thumb out of my food?"
"I am sorry sir! I have a medical condition on my thumb and the doctor recommended that I keep it warm all the time."
Really annoyed, the guy said, "you know what, I have a recommendation for you. Why don't you stick the thumb in your ******* warm *** instead?"
"Oh yes sir. That's what I do when I am not holding plate."
I once toured an mental asylum...
I definitely saw some people who clearly needed to be there and others that seem normal, I asked the asylum doctor/psychologist how they determine if someone is truly 'insane'.
'We fill a bath tub up with water and present the patient with a spoon, tea cup and a bucket. We then ask them to empty the tub of the water.'
'Oh I get it! A sane person would use a bucket because it holds the most water.'
'No, the sane person would pull the plug. Would you like a room with a window?"
A man gets married and his mother-in-law moves in
One day, the husband comes home and finds the mother-in-law passed out on the floor with an empty jar of pills near her. He rushes her to the hospital. After a few hours of anxiously waiting, the doctor returns with her results.
“Alright, I have some good news and I’ve got some bad news”, says the doctor. The man asks to start with the bad news.
“First of all, your mother-in-law is not going to die. She will probably live for about 20-30 more years. She suffered from a major stroke and unfortunately has some pretty bad side effects from it”
The man prepares himself for the worst.
“The stroke somehow ruined her ability to speak so she makes a loud screeching noise like a parrot. She will need to be under constant supervision. Her motor functions have also taken a hit so she will not be able to perform certain tasks like bathing and eating, so you and your wife will have to give her a bath and feed her everyday for the next 20-30 years.”
The man is hoping that is all the doctor has to say...
“She also has a form of incontinence so she will have to wear a diaper that you and your wife will have to change for the next 20-30 years. I’m really sorry, this must be a lot to process”
The man, beginning to tear up, asks for the long-awaited good news
Laughingly, the doctor says, “Nahhhh I’m just messing with you, she died”
Saw a sign in a pet shop window today for a talking centipede, for only $500.00!
I thought to myself, "What a bargain!" and I took it home in a little box...
When we got home, I opened it up and asked the centipede if it would like to go down to the bar for a beer, but the centipede didn't answer.
A couple of minutes later, I asked again, but still no response.
I started to get a little ticked off, thinking, maybe this little bugger can't really talk, so I shouted the question again.
Suddenly, the centipede pops his head out of the box and says, "I heard you the first time, you moron, I'm putting my shoes on!"
Norwegian Virgin Wedding
Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch; writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiance, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay. The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put it in a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next veek, but leave it on dere as long as you can. He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art. Olaf mentioned none of this to Lena, married her, and they went on their honeymoon to Duluth. That night in the Motel 6, Lena ripped open her blouse to reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, "Olaf...you're the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez."
Olaf immediately dropped his pants and replied, "Look at dis Lena. Still in DA CRATE!"
A man absolutely hated his girlfriend's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his girlfrien: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the girlfriend answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Men's Rules......
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally , the guys' side of the story.
(I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear 'the rules' From the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 ' ON PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers
1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something
or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched..
We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as hunting, fishing, golfing, or something with wheels.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on
the lemon peel.
I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone
is picking one's nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed
it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered
if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish
within five minutes.
Because of your concern,I no longer drink Coca Cola because
it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car,
so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes
seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face,
disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a
needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug
me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask
me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with
calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a
big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me
instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a
dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably
placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten
by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in
the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land
on your head at 5:00 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the
fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you
to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it
actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s
ex mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's
beautician!
Oh, and by the way...
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity
read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because
I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out
of the toilet..
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Life is funny some times......
In Canada, our government, in its eternal wisdom, recently passed two laws. They are:
1. Legalized gay marriage
2. Legalized marijuana
Legalizing gay marriage and marijuana at the same time, now makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says:
"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."
Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
A balding, white haired “experienced” man who goes by the name Bundo walked into a jewelry store Friday evening with a beautiful much younger girl at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $15,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special. Price is immaterial.’
At that statement, the jeweler went to the back room and brought out another ring in a velvet case. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ the jeweler said. ‘It’s the famous Azure Blue which belonged to a Maharajah.’
The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. Seeing this, the old man said, 'We'll take it.'
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the man stated, 'By check. I know you’ll need to verify my account with the bank, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday morning; I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'Sir...There's no money in that account!’
'’I know,' said the old man....'But let me tell you about my weekend……” ! ! !
Murphy , a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of
furniture in his store, so he went to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home.
To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine.
As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was
the only vacant seat in the house.
Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table ,
asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand) , so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down.
He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language.
After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass
and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her.
After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin,and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded.They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.They ordered dinner,after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing.
She nodded, and they got up to dance.They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.
To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business!
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Thanks to member Sam Kalmuk for a bunch of these contributions today. Remember if you hear or see something funny during the week you can always send it to me via email and I'll post it for you....
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father.. During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the ****s. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Love and Cherish until …..
A husband died. A few weeks later the wife died. As she got to heaven she saw her husband. She ran up to him with tears in her eyes.
'Darling, how I've missed you!'
The husband extends his arms stopping her from embracing him and says, 'Whoa there woman, the contract was until death!'
A man standing at a bus stop was eating a hamburger. Next to him stood a lady with her little dog, which became very excited at the smell of the man's supper and began whining and jumping up at him.
The man noticed this, in fact he was getting rather annoyed at the dog.
"Do you mind if I throw him a bit?" said the man to the lady.
"Not at all," she replied, whereupon the man picked the dog up and threw it over a wall.
Good news...bad news....
The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news."
The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."
Birds of a feather flock together and crap on your car.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dogrun to the end of his chain and gag himself.
If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice:
The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are " XL."
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt
Did you ever notice:
When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "Theirs."
A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 01-26-2018 at 10:05 PM.
01-25-2018, 09:43 PM
(@Y@) Fri Fun.. Kermie's B-Day 1/25 (@Y@)
Robbie!
for a bunch of these contributions today. Remember if you hear or see something funny during the week you can always send it to me via email and I'll post it for you....
