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(@[email protected]) FRIDAY FUNNIES June 1st (@[email protected])

 
Old 05-31-2018, 09:19 PM
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MAD IN NC
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Default (@[email protected]) FRIDAY FUNNIES June 1st (@[email protected])

and we are off....... good turn out last week. Thanks to those who posted (ya know who ya are). This is your thread. Robbie and I just open it up every week for ya'll to enjoy and post up in.

But, year is half gone! It's June 1st already. Stay Dry, Stay wet, Be safe
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Old 05-31-2018, 09:25 PM
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An Old Pilot's Philosophy...
I think I might have screwed up. As a local retired pilot, I was asked to address a junior high gathering put on by the PTA.

I had the stage to myself. I talked about staying in school, getting good grades and all that usual bullshit. Since I had plenty of time, I threw it open for questions.

The last one asked was, "Can you give us a couple of your life's philosophical beliefs?"

I said, "That's easy. Looking back over my 7 decades, I believe I've spent close to 90% of my earnings on booze and ******. The rest I just wasted."

I was escorted out without getting to finish my last two rules to live by:
1) If it flies, floats, or *****, it's cheaper to rent it.
2) If it's got **** or tires, you're gonna have problems with it.

I hope they invite me back next year so I can finish.
They need to know this stuff!





Just pull the tooth!
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.

The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a
hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting
for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't
have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!

"We have a 10:00am tee time at the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already...

"I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”

The dentist thought to himself, "Well, well, at last a golfer with real *****!!"

So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”



A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.

She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"



An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, 'Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.'

'Dear,' the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, 'I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking ***!!!!!!!'



A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, 'I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.' She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, 'It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones.'

She replied, 'You mean it shows that, too?'



There was a man who wanted a pure wife. So he started to attend church to find a woman. He met a gal who seemed nice so he took her home. When they got there, he whips out his manhood and asks "What's this?" She replies "A ****." He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

A couple of weeks later he meets another gal and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question. She replies "A ****". He is pissed because she seemed more pure than the first but oh well.

A couple of weeks later he meets a gal who seems real pure. She won't go home with him for a long time but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, "What is this?" She giggles and says "A pee-pee" He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says "That's your pee-pee." He finally breaks down and says "Look this is not a pee-pee, it is a ****."

She laughs and says "No it's not, a **** is ten inches long and black."



Two girls were discussing their heavy smoking habits. "I get such a yen for a cigarette," said one, "that the only effective countermeasure is to pop a Life Saver into my mouth and suck hard." "That's fine for you," huffed her friend, "but I don't happen to live in a house that's right on the beach!"






There was an exhibitionist
who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."


A man got a job in the sales promotion department of a cola soft-drink company. When he asked about his duties, the manager explained. "Oh! It's an easy job! All you have to is call on ten women buyers every day, and knock Seven-Up!"


This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says: "Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."



Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'



A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink. They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."



Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ***. Could you check it out for me?" His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ***, feeling all around, and says, "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says, "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ***. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ***." Bruce starts singing, "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."



Ol' Fred had been a faithful Christian
and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that
time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read, "*******, you're standing on my oxygen tube!"






The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson
on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable. "Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?" After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday. "Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day. Does anyone know another word?" Johnny from the back of the room yells, "I do! I do!" Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead. "OK Mike, what is your word." Saturday says Mike. "Great, that has three syllables..." Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"

Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?" Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion." Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."

"No Ma'am, your thinking of '*******', and that's only two syllables."
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Old 05-31-2018, 09:27 PM
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Old 05-31-2018, 09:29 PM
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MeMe's of the week........

















































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Old 05-31-2018, 09:30 PM
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Family Photo's for years past.,,,























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Old 05-31-2018, 10:17 PM
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Apparently, this is Timmy's Mustang:





-- Joe

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Old 05-31-2018, 10:25 PM
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Can't make this stuff up.



-- Joe
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Old 05-31-2018, 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by out2kayak View Post


Can't make this stuff up.



-- Joe
WTF LOL
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Old 06-01-2018, 01:04 AM
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Default Welcome to walmart

Jennifer, the manager at the local Walmart, had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified.
Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the fours at around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
The first man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning."
"That's very good!" replied Jennifer. "And, now you sir," she asked the second man.
"Hmmm... let me see.. A BLINK! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
Excellent!" said Jennifer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed." She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man "It's hard to beat the speed of light," she said.
Turning to Ernest, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question.
Old Ernest replied, "After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT?" said Jennifer, stunned by the response?
"Oh sure," said Ernest. "You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already **** in my pants."
Ernest is the new greeter at the Walmart near you!
You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on.
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Old 06-01-2018, 03:42 AM
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Originally Posted by out2kayak View Post


Can't make this stuff up.



-- Joe



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Old 06-01-2018, 07:38 AM
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One Last Confession.....

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly."My darling," he whispered."Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice."There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."



The senility prayer...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference...

Now that I am older, here's what I have discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded...
5. All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat - cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.... I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.... (That's an oldie!)



Kids in Church....

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

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Old 06-01-2018, 09:31 AM
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Here, hold my beer.....



Very scary pooch.....



Safety first!.....



Like a boss!



Oops!



And one educational one....


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Old 06-01-2018, 10:22 AM
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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
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Old 06-01-2018, 11:34 AM
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St. Jude Donor '10-'11-'12-'13-'14-'15-'16
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An architect, an artist and an accountant were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with a wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with a mistress, because of the passion and mystery. The accountant said he liked both.

“Both?” chorused the others.

“Yes,” said the accountant. “If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, which means you can go to the office and get some work done.”





Jim lamented to his friend Larry that all the excitement had gone out of his marriage.

“That often happens when people have been married for ten years, like you,” said Larry. “Have you ever considered having an affair? That might put a bit of life back into your relationship.”

“No, I couldn’t possibly do that,” said Jim. “It’s immoral.”

“Get real,” said Larry. “This is the twenty-first century. These things happen all the time.”

“But what if my wife found out?”

“No problem. Be upfront. Tell her about it in advance.”

Overcoming his initial misgivings, Jim plucked up the courage to break the news to his wife the next morning while she was reading a magazine over breakfast.

“Honey,” he began hesitantly, “I don’t want you to take this the wrong way . . . and please remember that I’m only doing this because I truly, truly love you, otherwise I would never dream of it . . . but I think maybe . . . just possibly . . . having an affair might bring us closer together.”

“Forget it,” said his wife, without even looking up from her magazine. “I’ve tried it, and it’s never worked.”
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Old 06-01-2018, 12:21 PM
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Old 06-01-2018, 01:12 PM
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Charge By The Inch.....

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"

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Old 06-01-2018, 02:10 PM
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Old 06-01-2018, 05:18 PM
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Man walks into a restaurant for lunch. As he’s sitting there, he notices all of the waiters have spoons in their shirt pockets. Curiosity finally gets the better of him and he asks his waiter about the spoons. The waiter tells him that the owner brought in an efficiency expert and the expert found that the most commonly dropped utensil was spoons, so all the waiters carry clean spoons in their shirt pockets so they don’t have to go back and forth to their stations, saving a lot of time because they can replace them on the spot. It all sounded very logical to the customer.

A week goes by and the same man comes back into the restaurant for lunch again with the same waiter. As he looks around, he notices all the waiters now have strings coming out of their flies. The curiosity is overwhelming so he asks his waiter what gives with the strings. Waiter: “Well, you remember me telling you about the efficiency expert last week?” Customer nods. Waiter, “Well the owner had him back in and he determined that if every time we went to the bathroom and didn’t need to wash our hands, we’d save a bunch of time. So, now when we have to go, we unzip, pull it out and hold it with the string.” The customer thought for a minute and then said, “Well how do you get it back in?” The waiter looked slowly around the room and quietly said, “I don’t know about the other guys, but I use the spoons.”
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Old 06-01-2018, 05:19 PM
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An old man is sitting in a boat,fishing,in the middle of the lake. He hears a voice that says"Pick me up". He keeps fishing ,but the voice repeats "pick me up". He looks over the side and sees a frog that says"If you pick me up and kiss me I will turn into the most beautiful woman in the world who will love you forever and you will be the envy of all your friends". He thinks for a bit,picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket. The frog says"why didnt you kiss me? you could have had this beautiful woman?"..... The old man replies " Na,At my age I would rather have a talking frog"
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Old 06-01-2018, 05:19 PM
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plaidside
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A bookie noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race. Lo and behold, that horse - a long shot won the race. Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track. Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses. The bookie made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next. He bet big on it, and it won.
As the races continued the Priest kept blessing horses, and each one ended up winning. The bookie was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings,and waited for the Priest's blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on. True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was 100/1. This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The bookie knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.

He watched dumbfounded as the old nag pulled up and couldn't even finish the race. In a state of shock, the bookie went to the track area where the Priest was. Confronting him, he demanded, 'Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed never even had a chance. Now, thanks to you, I've lost every cent of my savings!'
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy. "You are not Catholic are you my son?"
"No, I'm Jewish"
"That's the problem", said the Priest, "you couldn't tell the difference between a blessing, and last rites".
________________________________________ ________________________
This is what all of us 80+ year-olds, and those yet-to-be have to look forward to!! This is something that happened at an assisted living center in Portland, OR. The people who lived there have small apartments but they all eat at a central cafeteria.
One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so another guy's wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly so she went back to the dining area.
An hour later he still hadn't arrived so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hard time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room he was completely unable to get up even the first step so they called an ambulance for him A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
I am sending this to my relatives so that they don't sell the house before they know the facts.
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