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......and we are off; for remembrance of Armistice day or Veteran day and the 100th anniversary of WWI:sadflag:
....beyond that, snow is here in Canada and mo0ving South (Canada Snawman's are a special post - for Kermie)
ya all hang in, two+ weeks till US Thanksgiving day then shopamania.
PLEASE feel free to post up - THIS is YOUR thread :thumbs....
and now the Gif's from Friend William
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“A man and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. He shouted at her, “You aren’t so good in bed either!” Then stormed off to work.
By mid-morning, he decided he’d better make amends and called home. “What took you so long to answer?” he asked.
“I was in bed,” she replied.
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
Unexpected sex – that’s a great way to wake up. If you are not in a prison.
A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, “What were you and daddy doing?” The mom said, “We were baking a cake.” A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, “Were you and daddy baking a cake?” She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, “Because I licked the frosting off the couch.”
A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, “Mypenis,” and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, “Error. Not long enough.”
How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
By becoming a ventriloquist!
A woman places an ad in the local newspaper. “Looking for a man with three qualifications: won’t beat me up, won’t run away from me, and is great in bed.” Two days later her doorbell rings. “Hi, I’m Tim. I have no arms so I won’t beat you, and no legs so I won’t run away.” “What makes you think you are great in bed?” the woman retorts. Tim replies, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
Why can’t Jesus play hockey?
He keeps getting nailed to the boards.
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy.
Yesterday’s news: A blond jogging at the park was rapped.
Today’s news: Hundreds of blonds are jogging at the park!
How do you kill a circus clown?
Go for the juggler!
What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A $100 bill!
Questions you just can’t answer
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Whose idea was it to put an ‘S’ in the word ‘lisp’?
What is the speed of darkness?
Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?
Are there specially reserved parking spaces for ‘normal’ people at the Special Olympics?
If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it wouldut it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground.
Did you ever stop and wonder……
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, ‘I think I’ll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?’
Who was the first person to say, ‘See that chicken there… I’m gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it’s bum.’
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don’t point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs!
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on…….
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
I’m going to wear a pacman suit....
For Halloween I’m going to wear a pacman suit and chase Muslim women in burkas around the town centre.
On my ***
Gentlemen: I have been riding trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.
I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people2,000 years ago. Yours truly, A Commuter.
Dear Sir: We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation2,000 years ago was by foot.
Sincerely, The Railroad.
Gentlemen:I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible, Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ***.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years.
Yours truly, A Commuter
Ollie Takes a Trip
Ollie, one of our favorite Minnesota doofuses, calls the airlines information desk and inquires, “How long does it take ta fly from Minneapolis to Fargo?
“Just a minute,” said the busy clerk.
“Vell, said Ollie, “if it goes dat fast, I tink I’ll yust take da bus.”
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
"Lexophile" describes those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "To write with a broken pencil is pointless."
An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.
This year's winning submission is posted at the very end. So...
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
When chemists die, they barium.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore
I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
A will is a dead giveaway.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
Police were summoned to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
and the winner was - please scroll down
Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
You Might Be Canadian if
If Your municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You bring a portable TV on a camping trip so that you don't miss Hockey Night.
You can repeat the entire Molson's Canadian 'The Rant'.
You know all the words to "If I had a million dollars" by The Barenaked Ladies, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
You dismiss all beers under 6% as "for children and the elderly."
You remember when Alanis Morrissette was "Too Hot To Hold".
You watch MuchMusic constantly, in the hopes of occasional fleeting glimpses of The Tragically Hip.
You can sing "O' Canada" in French and actually know what the words mean.
You think Peter Mansbridge is sexy.
You killed your best friend for Another Roadside Attraction tickets.
You think Great Big Sea isn't Atlantic-centric enough.
You know the names of all the guys in Sloan.
You know more than 3 guys named Gordon.
You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada
You love your fries with poutine
You actually watch The Gemini Awards, The Genie Awards, and The Juno Awards.
You have twins named Wayne and Gretzky (alternately Gordie and Howe).
You substitute beer for water when cooking.
You know what "Canuba" is. You think it's pretty damn funny.
You know Casey and Finnegan are NOT a Celtic rock band or imported beer.
You know who Foster Hewitt is.
You pity people who haven't tasted a "beavertail".
You know that the Canadian Alliance is just the Reform Party with better hair.
You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
You and your friends get together to play "Millie Bornes"
You cried when you heard that "Mr Dress Up" died recently.
You brag to Americans: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Bieber & more, are Canadians.
You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed"
You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan"
You have worn shorts and a parka at the same time
You perk up when you hear the theme song from "Hockey Night in Canada."
You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
You know that Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores before Christmas.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than on your car.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles a meat processing plant.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You know which leaves make for good toilet paper.
The trunk of your car doubles as a freezer.
You can play road hockey on skates.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Who's flying the plane?......
The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"
The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
Ponderings Collection 26
I couldn't repair my brakes, so I made the horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
What happens if you get scared half-to-death twice?
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
I intend to live forever -- so far, so good!
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
A newly ordained priest, nervous about hearing confessions, finally asks an older priest to observe how he does and give some tips. After listening in on the second confession, the older priest suggested that the younger man fold his arms, maybe rub his chin with one hand while saying phrases like "I see" or "I understand" or "Yes, my child. Go on".
The young priest puts the suggestions into practice and later tells the older priest how much it has helped getting more information from his flock.
"You've done well," said the older man. "Isn't that much better than slapping your knee and yelling 'No way! What happened next?'"
A man realized he needed to purchase a hearing aid, but didn't want to spend a lot of money. "How much do they cost?" he asked the salesman.
"Anything from $2 to $2,000."
"Can I see the $2 model?" said the customer.
The salesman put the device around the man's neck, and said: "You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down into your pocket."
"How does it work?" asked the customer.
"For $2, it doesn't work," said the salesman. "But when people see it on you, they'll talk louder."
A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband’s temper. The counselor asks, "What's the problem?" The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth. Swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down." Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn. She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down. How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?" The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."
Guy's driving across the country with his wife. He stops for gas, and the driver at the pump next to him eyes his license plate and says, "You folks from Pennsylvania?"
His wife leans out the window and in her grating voice says ... "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
Guys says, "Feller wants to know if we're from Pennsylvania. Yes, we are from Pennsylvania."
Other driver says, "Whereabouts in Pennsylvania are you from?"
Wife leans out the window ... "WHAT'D HE SAY?"
Guy says, "Feller wants to know where we're from in Pennsylvania. We're from Harrisburg."
Other driver says, "That so? I dated a woman once from Harrisburg. Worst lay I've ever had."
11-08-2018, 09:30 PM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES Nov 9 (@Y@)...
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