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Happy Friday all!. Hope those that celebrated THANKSGIVING had a great time with family and friends, I did One month till the madness of the holidays are over...
Thanks Kermie for starting the FF thread last week while I pudged out........ and we hope we can get this thread and contribution revived to it's full glory again as last week was real light
So, lets get it going with the GIFs' from friend William.
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The Cuckoo Clock…. Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = midnight!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?
I told him 'midnight'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'
When I asked him why, he said,
'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."
DATING IN 1958
Here's one for those of you dating in the 50's and early 60's - You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this....It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.He arrived at her house and rang the bell."Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"Peggy will be down in a minute. So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked. "Oh, probably catch a picture show and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him. "Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous.
Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.
"Have fun, kids," the mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom , The TWIST!" she angrily yelled at her mother. "THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
Subject: The Xmas Party!
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 1, 2017.
RE: Christmas Party.
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash deposit for the bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Christmas Carols, feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus.!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees.!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty.
Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 2, 2017.
RE: Holiday Party.
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Are you happy now.?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty.
Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 3, 2017.
RE: Holiday Party.
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate you for this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only,’ you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. So how am I supposed to handle this.?
Somebody.?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little stingy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty.
Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
To: All Employees.
DATE: November 4, 2017.
RE: Generic Holiday Party.
What a diverse group we are.! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party.! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our ‘Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little aluminum foil doggy bag. Will that work.?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, and each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing to be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. ‘Sorry.’
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. ‘Sorry!’
Did I miss anything.???
Patty.
Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All ******* Employees.
DATE: November 5, 2017.
RE: The ******* Holiday Party.
I've had it with you vegetarian ******.! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you ******** like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death,’ as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your ******* salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But do you know that tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream ‘RIGHT ******* NOW!’
The rest of you perishing wierdos can kiss my ***. I hope you all have a rotten holiday.!
Drive drunk and die.
Patty.
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director.
DATE: November 6, 2017.
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party.
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Hospital.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
So ‘**** the lot of You and Happy Whatever.!’
Joan.
A Little Heaven humor
On their way to the church to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident.
Being good Catholics the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him.
St Peter said "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.
After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes" he informs the couple " I can get you married in Heaven".
"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with frustration, slamming his clipboard on the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".
"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer.
BANANAS, MILK DUDS & F-14 Tomcat
Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat. If you aren't laughing out loud by the time you get to 'Milk Duds,' your sense of humor is seriously broken.
'Now this message is for America 's most famous athletes:
Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have. John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity... Move to Guam .
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do.
Do Not Go!!!
I know.
The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should have known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach .
Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way, Fast.
Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting .' Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, 'We have liftoff'.
Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.
'Bananas,' he said.
'For the potassium?' I asked.
'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.'
The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast.
(No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.
A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.
Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.
Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us.
We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Colin Montgomerie.
And I egressed the bananas.
And I egressed the pizza from the night before.
And the lunch before that.
I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.
I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.
I went through not one airsick bag, but two.
Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.
I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.
A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
> One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair,
> he has his first meeting with the devil...
> Satan: "Why so glum?"
>
> Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
>
> Satan: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a
> drinking man?"
>
> Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
>
> Satan: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do
> is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca . We
> drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have to
> worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway."
>
> Guy: "Gee that sounds great!"
>
> Satan: "You a smoker?"
>
> Guy: "You better believe it"
>
> Satan: "All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from
> all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie,
> you're already dead, remember?"
>
> Guy: "Wow...that's awesome!"
>
> Satan: "I bet you like to gamble."
>
> Guy: "Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do."
>
> Satan: "Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
> blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn't
> matter , you're dead anyhow."
>
> Guy: "Cool!"
>
> Satan: "What about drugs?"
>
> Guy: "Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?"
>
> Satan: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
> bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do
> all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares."
>
> Guy: "Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
>
> Satan: "You gay?"
>
> Guy: "No..."
>
> Satan: "Oooo , Fridays are gonna be tough..."
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
The Aisle Seat.....
Terrorists boarded a flight out of London . One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the Marine 'I'm in the aisle seat, 'I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one too.' Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
Whilehe was gone the other Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it. When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors, 'Why does it have to be this way? How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES.
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 11-29-2018 at 11:06 PM.
tWhat happens when kids’ letters arrive at the North Pole? Does Kringle and Co. sell the data to online marketers? We read the fine print on Santa’s website:
• Santa’s Privacy Policy: At Santa’s Workshop, your privacy is important to us. What follows is an explanation of how we collect and safeguard your personal information.
• Why Do We Need This Information? Santa Claus requires your information in order to compile his annual list of who is Naughty and who is Nice and to ensure accuracy when he checks it twice.
• What Information Do We Collect? We obtain information from the unsolicited letters sent to Santa by children all over the world listing specific items they would like to
receive for Christmas. Often these letters convey additional information, such as which of their siblings are doodyheads. The letters also provide another important piece of information—fingerprints. We run these through databases maintained by the FBI, CIA, NSA, Interpol, MI6, and the Mossad. If we find a match, it goes straight on the Naughty List.
• What Do We Do with the Information We Collect? Sharing is one of the joys of Christmas. For this reason, we share your personal information with unaffiliated third parties: the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, and Hanukkah Harry.
, the tree. Note: The real trick isn’t picking the right pine. It’s getting it inside your home. But with our 15-point plan, you’ll be trimming in no time.
1) Cut the cords that bind the tree to the roof of your car. Allow them to snap back and strike you in the eye.
2) Curse.
3) Slowly pull the tree toward you.
4) Wobble under its weight for a few seconds, then fall down.
5) Curse.
6) Stand up and notice the fresh scratches in the roof of your car.
7) Curse.
8) Drag the tree to your front door. Spend 15 minutes figuring out how to open the door while simultaneously getting the tree through it.
9) Drag the tree away from the door so that you can enter with the tree facing in the right direction.
10) Once inside, fill the tree stand with water.
11) Knock all the water out of the tree stand because you forgot to wait to fill the tree stand until after putting the tree in it.
12) Curse.
13) Your tree should now be in the stand. Notice the fallen needles that have reduced your tree to half the size it was when you bought it.
14) Down seven cups of eggnog to settle your nerves.
15) Slur your curses.
You’re not home free yet. Much more can go wrong!
Securing Christmas lights to the tree can be a production. One year, when we finally stood back and flicked on the light switch, I noticed that a branch obscured our prized angel ornament. I grabbed the pruning shears, mounted a stool, and snipped once, and the lights went out. My husband quietly said, “You don’t have your glasses on, do you?”—
All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after [Christmas], you see the tree by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a
door opens, and a tree rolls out.”
Last edited by Roger Walling; 11-30-2018 at 09:57 AM.
Trump and Pelosi go fishing The President and the head of the Democrat Party, Nancy Pelosi, are arguing extensively over allowing immigrants into our country. Nancy of coursewants free access to everyone who wantsto come in, while Donald wants us to secure our borders and insure only the right people come in.
Instead of going to a costly, time-consuming nationwide vote on the matter, they agree to a 3-day ice fishing contest to settle the issue whoever catches the most fish at the end of the 3 days will have his or her process implemented. The two decide that a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place. No observers on the fishing grounds,but both would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5 PM so they use a neutral park ranger station. After Day 1, Trump returns to the station with a total of 10 fish, while Pelosi comes back with nothing. Day 2 finishes and Trump catches another 20 fish, but Pelosi once again comes back with nothing. That night, Pelosi and her liberal cronies get together and accuse Trump of being a “low-life, cheating piece of scum.”Instead of fishing on Day 3, they are going to follow Trump and to spy on him and figure out how he is cheating. Day 3 finishes up and Trump has had an incredible day, adding 40 more to his total. That night, Pelosi and her democratic cohorts get together for the full report on how Donald was cheating. Pelosi stands up to give her report and says, “You are not going to believe this Trump is cheating because he's cutting holes in the ice.” And this, my friends, tells you the difference between a businessman and a career government politician.
11-29-2018, 09:29 PM
(@y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES Nov 30th Weekend (@y@)
One month till the madness of the holidays are over...
