Kerrmudgeon

Good Morning everyone! Greetings from the cold land to the north of most of you...
Another year has almost passed by once again, a little older, perhaps a little wiser?.....and hopefully still as jovial as ever. So show us what you've got to put us in the spirit of the season......
____________________ _______________________ ______________________
To afford my 'lifestyle' I've been forced to seek employment to help pay the bills. In these tight economic times, you can't really be too choosy about a job opportunity - You take what's available when it's available.

I never saw myself as a sales clerk helping out in women's clothing, but you take what you can get on short notice!

Walmart hired me on the spot. Had a choice of two openings.
A Walmart Greeter or an assistant in the Women's Jean Dept. I just wanted to tell you myself, just in case your wives or girlfriends come to Walmart to try on jeans.
Kinda enjoyed my first day on the job.
........Now I'm thinking about making it 'full time' employment





Six months...

The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 month's to live because of the terminal disease that was detected during a recent physical check-up. The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.

"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.

His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law".

Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"

"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"



What Will The Neighbors Think?......

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money."

Kerrmudgeon

Looks like Bill next door is not posting up his funny gifs yet, so let's see what I can find to start with.....

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

A soldier serving overseas far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote to break off their engagement and ask for her photograph back. He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together, and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret that I cannot remember which one you are. Please keep your photo and return the others.”



A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face. His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The bride replies, "I just gave the last blow job of my entire life."


A mature (over 40) lady gets pulled over for speeding... Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer? Officer : Ma'am, you were speeding. Older Woman: Oh, I see. Officer : Can I see your license please? Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one. Officer : Don't have one? Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving. Officer : I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please. Older Woman: I can't do that. Officer : Why not? Older Woman: I stole this car. Officer : Stole it? Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner. Officer : You what? Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see. The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun. Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle. Older woman: Is there a problem sir? Officer2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner. Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Officer2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk. Officer2: Is this your car, ma'am? Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned. Officer2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled. Officer2 : Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner. Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too........



A woman was telling her friend , "It was I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. The woman replied, "A multi-millionaire".



A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. "How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." "Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?" "He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." "Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." "He died of a broken neck." "A broken neck?" "He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."



Thomas is 32 years old and he is still single. One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?" Thomas replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them." His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother." A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?" With a frown on his face, Thomas answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much." The friend said, "Then what's the problem?" Thomas replied, "My father doesn't like her."

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

MAD IN NC

Ethel Checked into a Motel
…. on her 65th birthday; she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age and so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony, a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He
had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six-pack abs.

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call
"Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?"

Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait,
I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night.. tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?"

He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line"


AMISH LADY DRIVER IS PULLED OVER.
"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee," replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his *********. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home."
True to her word, when the Amish lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector.
He said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake..."


Going to Church in Chicago
When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.
As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. Idon't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?
He laid his hands on my shoulder and said: "By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralyzed.
Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son J esus, the Lord Almighty, you will walk today.
Again, I said that there is nothing wrong with me.
After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right....
My car was gone


DEATH BED
A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die, you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "What do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, "Now, you have everything."



How to clean your toilet the fun way…
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash" and "rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet , streak through the bathroom and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,
The Dog


Good Egg….
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question!"


A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off." So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!



In the days before birth control pills, a young bride-to-be asked her gynecologist to recommend some sort of contraceptive. He suggested she try withdraw, douches or condoms. Several years later, the woman was walking down the street with three children when she happened to run across her old doctor. "I see you decided not to take my advice," he said, eyeing the young children. "On the contrary, doc," she exclaimed, "Davey here was a pullout, Darcy was a washout, and Delores was a blowout!"


Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose. "Yeah. What's it called?" "Viens a moi." "Viens a moi? What's that mean?" A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'" Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me," she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"



Whilst enjoying a drink with a buddy one night, this guy decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and go back to her place.

Later, the young man pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies. Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy begins to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquires nervously. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend then?" "No, don't be silly," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Well, who is he then?" demands the bewildered fellow. Calmly, the girl takes a match, strikes it across the side of her face and replies, "That's me before the operation."




A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly begins to drool. Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly is just aching for action at this point. Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?" Polly then replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"



MAKES THE PRICE OF A PROFESSIONAL CHEAP!!!!
A Chain Saw Doesn't Make You A Logger



The story below is of the only person who qualified:
LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA - ONLY US CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY

“Lemon Pickers Needed” read the ad in the newspaper.

Ms. Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs, Florida, read it, and decided to apply for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do..

She submitted her application for a job in a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master’s degree from Michigan State University.

For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher.

The foreman studied her application, frowned, and said, "I see that you are well educated, and have an impressive resume “However, I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, voted twice for Obama, and once for Hillary.”

She started work Yesterday.




DEMENTIAQUIZ:
FIRST QUESTION:

YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON , WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG!

IF YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!

TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME. NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,

BUT DON’T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
SECOND QUESTION:

IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?

(SCROLL DOWN)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE....WRONG AGAIN.

TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??

YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THIRD QUESTION:

VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY.

DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR . TRY IT.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.

ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.

NOW ADD 10.. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?

SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU GET 5000?

THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100 ...

IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR!

TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT?

MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT.... MAYBE...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
FOURTH QUESTION:

MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS: 1. NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???

5. WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU ANSWER NUNU? NO! OF COURSE IT ISN'T.

HER NAME IS MARY!READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND,

I.E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:

A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH. BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE. NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT

DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??

IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

YOU MAY WISH TO PASS THIS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE.

I JUST DID!

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

FINWOLF

vetintheblood

93RubyRedCoupe

MAD IN NC

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALL!!!!

We are all 2018 today – Today the whole world is the same age.
Today is a very special day.
It happens only once every 1,000 years
Your age + your year of birth = 2018.
This is true for everyone.
It is both strange and inexplicable. Try it and see.
It will not happen again for another 1,000 years.











So….. HAPPY BIRTHDAY

vetintheblood

Kerrmudgeon

A few more funny/interesting pics for youse guys!

AZDoug

WAY too much bandwidth with all those GIFs. Unreadable, in any reasonable amount of time due to download oigabytes, for those of us on satellite.
Doug

tuxnharley

Kerrmudgeon

And they lived happily ever after.........

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now passed-away Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said: “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “Well, Cinderella, as you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”

Cinderella was overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, almost under her breath, she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”

Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.

Cinderella said: “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”

The Fairy Godmother replied: “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart desire for your second wish?”

Cinderella looked down at her frail body and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. And long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.

Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke: “You have one more wish, what will you have?”

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said: “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”

Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a fundamental change in his biological make-up, that, when complete, he stood before her a boy so beautiful – the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen – so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.

The Fairy Godmother again spoke: “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!” And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.

Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his strong, youthful arms. He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath:

“I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”

....

Japanese Food.....

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only."



The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.
When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."

:

Kerrmudgeon

Why English Is Tough to learn.....

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.
2. The farm was used to produce produce.
3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.
4. We must polish the Polish furniture.
5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10. I did not object to the object.
11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.
13. They were too close to the door to close it.
14. The buck does funny things when does are present.
15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?