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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) January 17th weekend, 2019...
Good evening and good morning to all my classic Vette brethren!
Greetings from the frosty northland ......setting some records for the year currently and this weekend. Currently sitting at 13 below zero F with the wind chill.....or almost -30C!!!
So let's see if we can have a few laughs to take our minds off the cold for those of us living in cold areas. Post 'em up if you got 'em!
______________________________________ ______________________
A few moving pics from next door......
Thanks Bill for those, and here are a few I found as well.......
....
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 01-18-2019 at 12:04 AM.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
An overweight blonde consulted her doctor for advice. The doctor advised that she run 10 miles a day for 30 days. This, he promised, would help her lose as much as twenty pounds.
The blonde follows the doctor's advice, and, after thirty days, she was pleased to find that she'd indeed lost twenty pounds.
She phoned the doctor and thanked him for the wonderful advice which produced such effective results. At the end of the conversation, however, she asked one last question:
"How do I get home, since I am now 300 miles away?"
Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.
The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.
Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.
The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.
"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."
"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Lets see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now!"
Here's one for us old farts.....see how you do in this music quiz......
Doo Wop Oldies Quiz Thirty great memories about music that caused our parents and teachers grief! Take the quiz and see how you score as a true ''Oldies Fan.'' Write down your answers and check them against the answers at the end.(Answers Below) Don't cheat, now!
1. When did ''Little Suzie'' finally wake up? (a) The movie's over, it's 2 o'clock (b) The movie's over, it's 3 o'clock (c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock
2. ''Rock Around The Clock'' was used in what movie? (a) Rebel Without A Cause (b) Blackboard Jungle (c) The Wild Ones
3. What's missing from a Rock & Roll standpoint? Earth _____ (a) Angel (b) Mother (c) Worm
4. ''I found my thrill . . ..'' where? (a) Kansas City (b) Heartbreak Hotel (c) Blueberry Hill
5. ''Please turn on your magic beam,__ _____ ring me a dream,'': (a) Mr. Sandman (b) Earth Angel (c) Dream Lover
6. For which label did Elvis Presley first record? (a) Atlantic (b) RCA (c) Sun
7. He asked, ''Why's everybody always pickin' on me?'' Who was he? (a) Bad, Bad Leroy Brown (b) Charlie Brown (c) Buster Brown
8. In Bobby Darin's ''Mack The Knife,'' the one with the knife, was named: (a) MacHeath (b) MacCloud (c) MacNamara
9. Name the song with ''A-wop bop a-loo bop a-lop bam boom.'' (a) Good Golly, Miss Molly (b) Be-Bop-A-Lula (c) Tutti Fruitti
10. Who is generally given credit for originating the term ''Rock And Roll''? (a) Dick Clark (b) Wolfman Jack (c) Alan Freed11. In 1957, he left the music business to become a preacher: (a) Little Richard (b) Frankie Lymon (c) Tony Orlando
12. Paul Anka's ''Puppy Love'' is written to what star? (a) Brenda Lee (b) Connie Francis (c) Annette Funicello
13. The Everly Brothers are: (a) Pete and Dick (b) Don and Phil (c) Bob and Bill
14. The Big Bopper's real name was: (a) Jiles P. Richardson (b) Roy Harold Scherer Jr. (c) Marion Michael Morrison
15. In 1959, Berry Gordy, Jr., started a small record company called... (a) Decca (b) Cameo (c) Motown
16. Edd Brynes had a hit with ''Kookie, Kookie, Lend Me Your Comb'' What TV show was he on? (a) 77 Sunset Strip (b) Hawaiian Eye (c) Surfside Six
17. In 1960 Bobby Darin married: (a) Carol Lynley (b) Sandra Dee (c) Natalie Wood18. They were a one hit wonder with ''Book Of Love'': (a) The Penguins (b) The Monotones (c) The Moonglows19. The Everly Brothers sang a song called ''Till I ______ You.'' (a) Loved (b) Kissed (c) Met
20. Chuck Berry sang ''Oh,_______ ____, why can't you be true?'' (a) Suzie Q (b) Peggy Sue (c) Maybelline
22. ''I'm like a one-eyed cat... (a) can't go into town no more (b) sleepin' on a cold hard floor (c) peepin' in a seafood store
23. ''Sometimes I wonder what I'm gonna do...'' (a) cause there ain't no answer for a life without booze (b) cause there ain't no cure for the summertime blues (c) cause my car's gassed up and I'm ready to cruise
24. ''They often call me Speedo, but my real name is...'' (a) Mr. Earl (b) Jackie Pearl (c) Milton Berle
25. ''You're my Fanny and nobody else's...'' (a) girl (b) butt (c) love
26. ''I want you to play with my... '' (a) heart (b) dreams (c) ding a ling
27. ''Be Bop A Lula...'' (a) she's got the rabies (b) she's my baby. (c) she loves me, maybe
28. ''Fine Love, Fine Kissing...'' (a) right here (b) fifty cents (c) just for you
29. ''He wore black denim trousers and...'' (a) a pink carnation (b) pink leotards (c) motorcycle boots
30. ''I got a gal named...'' (a) Jenny Zamboni (b) Gerri Mahoney (c) Boney Maroney
Answers:
1.(c) The movie's over, it's 4 o'clock 2. (b) Blackboard Jungle 3. (a) Angel 4. (c) Blueberry Hill 5. (a) Mr. Sandman 6. (c) Sun 7. (b) Charlie Brown 8. (a) MacHeath 9. (c) Tutti Fruitti 10. (c) Alan Freed 11. (a) Little Richard 12. (c) Annette Funicello 13. (b) Don and Phil 14. (a) Jiles P. Richardson 15. (c) Motown 16. (a) 77 Sunset Strip 17. (b) Sandra Dee 18. (b) The Monotones 19. (b) Kissed 20. (c) Maybelline 21. (b) Bully 22. (c) peepin' in a seafood store 23. (b) cause there ain't no curefor summertime blues 24. (a) Mr. Earl 25. (b) butt 26. (c) ding a ling 27 (b) she's my baby 28. (a) right here 29. (c) motorcycle boots 30. (c) Boney Maroney
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'
With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.
But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.
In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card that's in my center desk drawer.
I love you.
Call me when it's safe to come home.
-- Have a Great Day!
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Last edited by GEM '62; 01-18-2019 at 10:12 AM.
Reason: remove email
It doesn't matter what party you belong to,
this is good natured political humor from a Canadian TV show,
where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton...
"Yep, that's right - I miss Bill Clinton!"
He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
He plays the saxophone.
He smoked weed.
He had his way with ugly white women.
Even now? Look at him... his wife works, and he doesn't!
And, he gets a check from the government every month.
Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup,"
in honor of one of the nations' distinguished men.
It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line
to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will be built in Canada.
When asked what he thought about foreign affairs,
Clinton replied, "I don't know, I never had one."
The Clinton revised judicial oath: "I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it,
the whole truth as I believe it to be,
and nothing but what I think you need to know."
Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President
to have sex in the Oval Office between the Bushes.
It's just been announced by Dell that a new computer will be introduced
to the market in the near future.
It's the Bill Clinton model featuring a 6 inch hard-drive and no memory.
No more Sharpie Pens allowed in Home Depot
A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.
Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them
swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in
my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of ****!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!! 5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??
Last edited by 64Corvette; 01-18-2019 at 03:16 PM.
I know some of you will not understand this message, but I bet you know someone who might. I came across this phrase yesterday, 'FENDER SKIRTS'.
A term I haven't heard in a long time, and thinking about 'fender skirts' started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like 'curb feelers' and 'steering *****',(AKA)'suicide ****', 'neckers *****'.
Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first.
Any kids will probably have to find some older person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.
Remember 'Continental kits'? They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.
When did we quit calling them 'emergency brakes'? At some point'parking brake' became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with 'emergency brake.'
I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the 'foot feed'. Many today do not even know what a clutch is or that the 'dimmer switch' used to be on the floor. For that matter, the'starter' was down there too.
Didn't you ever wait at the street for your Daddy to come home, so you could ride the 'running board' up to the house?
Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - 'store-bought'. Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.
'Coast to coast' is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term 'worldwide' for granted.
This floors me.
On a smaller scale, 'wall-to-wall' was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.
When was the last time you heard the quaint phrase 'in a family way'? It's hard to imagine that the word 'pregnant' was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company, so we had all that talk about stork visits and 'being in a family way' or simply 'expecting'.
Apparently 'brassiere' is a word no longer in usage.
I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up.
I guess it's just 'bra' now.
'Unmentionables' probably wouldn't be understood at all.
I always loved going to the 'picture show', but I considered 'movie' an affectation.
Most of these words go back to the '50s, when many men were nursing a'stomach ulcer', but here's a pure '60s word I came across the other day'rat fink'. Ooh, what a nasty put-down!
Here's a word I miss - 'percolator'.
That was just a fun word to say.
And what was it replaced with 'Coffee maker'.
How dull... Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.
I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro.
Words like 'Dyna Flow', 'Electrolux' and 'Frigidaire'. Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with 'Spectra Vision'!
Food for thought:
Was there a telethon that wiped out 'Lumbago'?
Nobody complains of that anymore.
Maybe that's what 'Castor oil' cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with Castor Oil anymore.
Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list.
T his may give you a history lesson and possibly a good laugh! Rebuilding New Orleans after Katrina often caused residents to be challenged to prove home titles back hundreds of years.That is because of community history stretching back over two centuries during which houses were passed along through generations of family, sometimes making it quite difficult to establish a paper trail of ownership.
A New Orleans lawyer sought a FHA rebuilding loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted upon submission of satisfactory proof of ownership of the parcel of property as it was being offered as collateral. It took the lawyer 3 months, but he was able to prove title to the property dating back to 1803. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply. (Actual reply from FHA): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." And here is the great letter the lawyer responded with: (Actual response): "Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have proof of title extended further than the 206 years already covered in the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working with real property, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the United States from France in 1803, the year of origin of title identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Queen Isabella. The good Queen Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus 's expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, and the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn reconstruction loan?" The loan was immediately approved.
When Insults Had Class *
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language was boiled down to four letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband I'd give you poison."
He said, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." *Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second.... if there is one." - *Winston Churchill, in response.
"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial" - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating*
"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.." - Oscar Wilde
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts.. . for support rather than illumination. " - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx * *
No NURSING HOME FOR ME!!!! No nursing home for us. We'll be checking into a Holiday Inn!With the average cost for nursing home care being $188.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and too feeble. I've already checked on reservations atThe Holiday Inn.For a combined long term stay discount and senior discount, it's $59.23 per night.Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours In the afternoon.That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry,Gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer-dryer, etc.Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.$5 worth of tips a day you'll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.They treat you like a customer, not a patient. There's a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one ofThe nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.Otherwise, the cash keeps building up.It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today.And you're not stuck in one place forever -- you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city.Want to see Hawaii ? They have Holiday Inn there too.TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem.. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are ok. If not, they'll call an ambulance . . .Or the undertaker. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.The grand-kids can use the pool.What more could I ask for?So, when I reach that golden age,I'll face it with a grin.
And K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But , A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far *** kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, than while Hard work
and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there. Its the Bullshit and *** Kissing that will put you over the top.
Now you know why Politicians are where they are!
I’ve never seen a better explanation than this formula …………..how true it is.
The haircut!
Blessed are those that can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Ronald Reagan said: “Both politicians and diapers need to be changed often and for the same reason.”
A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms. Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?" His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?" The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."
A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man. The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen". The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown." The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. So he does, "I said I'm 6 - 9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown." The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing. "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."
The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life
1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."
2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."
3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"
4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"
5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"
6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"
7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"
One day this girl was talking to her friend and she said to her, "My boyfriend bought me flowers for Valentines day this year so I guess I have to put my legs in the air for him.", and her friend replied, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"
As a painless way to save money, a young couple arranged that every time they have sex the husband puts his pocket change into a china piggy bank on the bedside table. One night while being unusually athletic, he accidentally knocked the piggy bank onto the floor where it smashes.
To his surprise, among the masses of coins, there are handfuls of five and ten dollar bills. He asks his wife "What's up with all the notes?", to his wife which replies, "Well, not everyone is as cheap as you are."
01-18-2019, 12:01 AM
(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) January 17th weekend, 2019...
......setting some records for the year currently and this weekend. Currently sitting at 13 below zero F with the wind chill.....or almost -30C!!! 
....
......gotta love his bird! 
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