MAD IN NC

It's that time of year once again. Burn's Supper Club where all good Scotchmen celebrate the life and works of Robbie Burns.


LOCALLY ON CF WE ALSO CELEBRATE ANOTHER LOCAL SCOTCHMAN - KERRMUDGEON (Robbie named after Robbie Burns)

@Kerrmudgeon So, before the GIFs let's start with a history lesson and some Scottish jokes.........

........... and Happy Birthday Robbie ye old fart and may ya always be two yers older than me.........


Burn’s Night, also known as Burn’s Supper, is a holiday celebrated in Scotland on January 25th in honor of the poet Robert Burns. While this holiday is officially a Scottish holiday, many people all over the world celebrate it by hosting their own versions of Burn’s Supper.


History of Burn’s Night
Robert Burns was a Scottish poet and lyricist which was born on January 25th, 1759 in Ayrshire, Scotland. He was regarded as a pioneer of the Romantic movement. He is not only known for his poetry but is also known for his original compositions. Although he died on July 21st, 1796, he gained enormous popularity in Scotland during the 19th and 20th centuries.

Burn’s Night can be traced all the way back to a supper held by the friends of Robert Burns on July 21st, 1801. They had gathered together on this day because it was the fifth anniversary of his death and they wanted to honor him. This first Burn’s Night was held at Burns Cottage. That year, the Burns Club was founded and a supper was arranged on what the founders thought was Robert Burn’s birthday–January, 29th. However, they then discovered records which showed Burn’s birthday was actually on January 25th. Since then, Burn’s Supper has been celebrated on that day.


Burn’s Night Customs & Celebrations
One of the traditional ways to celebrate Burn’s Night is with a Burn’s Supper. These dinners can be formal or informal and may include only friends or friends and family. During this supper, ‘Selkirk Grace’ is recited as well as the ‘Address to a Haggis’. Whiskey and food are also main components of this supper. Some of the food which is served includes Cullen Skink, Haggis, neeps and tatties. Desserts often include oatmeal shortbread, whiskey caramels and marinated raspberries. Finally, the host will call on one of the guests to give the vote of thanks. Then, everyone is asked to stand, join hands, and sing Auld Lang Zene to bring the evening to an end.

Enjoy your Haggis and not to many drams of Scotch Robbie!
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Scottish Jokes:


A well-known Burns Night speaker was asked to do the Burns address at a Jewish Synagogue. As he prepared for the event, he remarked to his wife, 'Did you ever, in your wildest fantasies, imagine I would speak at a Burns Supper at the synagogue?' 'Trust me,' replied my wife, 'you're never in my wildest fantasies'."


A speaker for the Burns address wanted to brush up on the Immortal Address beforehand so called in at Glasgow Library where he marched through the doors and asked the assistant: "Robert Burns – the complete works." The librarian replied: "The massage parlor is further down the road, Mr Burns."


Muhammad Ali was in Scotland for an exhibition bout when he was cajoled by a TV reporter to come up with a "poem on Scotland" because of Ali's penchant for rhyming. But the great man simply replied: "No, you have your own poet. He is a genius, and I am no match for your Robert Burns."


Cheap and cheerful lodgings
A lodger in a Scottish guest house in Milngavie, near Glasgow, was on his way to the bathroom carrying his shaving gear, when the landlady stopped him and said, 'Have you got a good memory for faces, Mr MacGregor?'

'Och aye,' Mac replied

'That's just as well,' she said, 'because there's no mirror in the bathroom.'



Hostile Natives
MacTavish visited London for his annual holiday and stayed at a large hotel. However, he didnae feel that the natives were friendly.

'At 4 o'clock every morning,' he told a friend, 'they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Och, sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes.'


Job hunting in Scotland
'Are you looking for work Jock?'
'Not necessarily - but I'd like a job.'


Scotland - The home of golf
Sign at a Scottish golf course:
'Members will refrain from picking up lost ***** until they have stopped rolling.'


Canny Scots
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 [$20,000USD] and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, 'I'll give £150.'


Scots rarely drink
MacDonald was in poor health. He asked his friend MacDougal if he would pour a bottle of scotch over his grave if he should die one of these days.

MacDougal said, 'Sure'n I'll be glad, laddie, but would you mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?'


Scottish Kirk (Church) Announcement
The following was seen on a poster outside a Kirk in Arbroath: DRINK IS YOUR ENEMY

Adjacent to this was another poster which said: Love your enemy.


Ear Muffs
Winters can be extremely cold in northern Scotland, so the owner of the estate felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his farm worker, Archie.

Noticing, however, that Archie wasn't wearing the earmuffs even on the coldest day, the owner asked, 'Didn't you like the earmuffs I gave you?' Archie replied, not wishing to upset his employer, 'Och, they are a wondrous thing.'

'Then why don't you wear them then?'

Archie explained, 'I was wearing them the first day, but somebody offered to buy me a drink and I didnae hear him.'


Double-glazing in Scotland
Double-glazing is big business in Scotland in the hope that the children cannot hear the ice-cream van when it comes round.


Maître d'hôtel: 'Are you here for a special occasion?'
Campbell: 'Aye, we won the third prize in the annual Robert Burns Contest, a haggis dinner for two.'

Maître d'hôtel: 'What were the other prizes?'
Campbell: The second prize was a single haggis dinner, and, if you won the first prize, you didnae have to eat the haggis.'


Robbie Burns and the Librarian
A man walks into the library and at the enquiry desk says, 'Robert Burns, the complete works.'

The librarian looks up and says, 'I am sorry Mr Burns, the Massage Parlour is back outside and the next door to this.'


A Scottish Lady
An armed, hooded, robber burst into the Bank of Scotland in Princes Street, Edinburgh, and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Scottish customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the Scotsman without hesitation!

He then looked around the bank to see if anyone else had seen him. One of the tellers looked straight at him and the robber walked over and calmly shot him also. Everyone by now was very scared and looking down at the floor.

'Did anyone else see my face?' shouted the robber. There were a few moments of silence, then one elderly Scottish lady, looking down, tentatively raised her hand and said, 'I think my husband might have caught a glimpse .....'


The Difference
What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney? Bing sings - and Walt disnae.


The Kilt
Did you hear about the Scotsman who washed his kilt? He couldn't do a fling with it.


The Bard
Robert Burns walks into a pub. The barman says....You're Bard


Boris Johnson is being shown around a London hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number people with no obvious signs of injury or disease.

He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, Great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye tak your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm."

Boris, being somewhat confused (easily done) goes to the next patient and greets him.

The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit."

The third starts rattling off: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!"

Boris turns to the doctor and asks: "Is this mental ward?"

"No" the doctor replies, "It's the Burns unit."



Haggis is best grown from cuttings from the parent tuber than from seeds. Make sure that you buy your haggis tuber from Scotland. Beware French, or Romanian imitations.

Take a sharp knife - my aunt used her tongue, but I wouldn't recommend that on hygiene grounds - and cut cubes of the haggis tuber 5cm square.

Take an old cup and fill it with sheep dung. Water liberally. After a week dust the bottom (the cutting's, not yours) with a rooting hormone powder. Buy the best 'Robbie Burns' compost and plant the cuttings in the compost. Place them on a radiator so that they get bottom heat.

After ten days, your haggis cuttings should sprout little white fingers. Transfer them to your conservatory, if you haven't got a conservatory, a garage works fine. At the end of the December harvest them, and put them in a dark cupboard for about 3 weeks. On Burns day cut open your Haggis and fill with a lambs stomach, oats, deer liver and a chopped onion. The final secret ingredient is a leg - it's your leg which I have just pulled!


A thoughtful Scottish husband
Did you hear about the thoughtful Scotsman who was heading out to the pub? He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, 'Jackie - put your hat and coat on lassie.'

She replied, 'Awe Iain that's nice - are you taking me to the pub with you?'

'Nah, just switching the central heating off while I'm oot.'

MAD IN NC

....................... now the Gif's from Friend WOEII... Thanks William

MAD IN NC

God's Plan for Aging...
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom.





Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge ****, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you ******* BITCH'




A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it. She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!" The guy gets the room, but has nothing to ****. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon. Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just ***** the living **** out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!". The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?". The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?", The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy ******* a pigeon!"





A police officer was patrolling the highway when he sees a guy tied up to a tree, crying. The officer stops and approaches the guy. "What's going on here?", he asks. The guy sobs, "I was driving and picked up a hitchhiker. He pulled a gun on me, robbed me, took all my money, my clothes, my car and then tied me up." The cop studied the guy for a moment, and then pulled down his pants and whipped out his dick. "I guess this isn't your lucky day, pal!"




A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them. His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad. They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating. "Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me." "We're eating *******!!", she screams.





A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says, "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says, "What's that?" He says, "We go to my house and screw, and then you disappear."




A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him. He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes, "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the chalkboard and writes, "You *******, I'm drowning."




"I've got some good news and some bad news" the doctor says. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient. "The bad news is that unfortunately you've only got 3 months to live". The patient is taken back, "What's the good news then Doctor?". The doctor points over to the secretary at the front desk, "You see that blonde with the big breasts, tight *** and legs that go all the way up to heaven?", the patient shakes his head and the doctor replies, "I'm screwing her."




A pregnant woman with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly said, "My husband wants me to ask you...", to which the doctor replies "I know...I know..." placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy." "No, that's not it," the woman confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."




Your girlfriend is ugly when...

(1) She looks out the window and gets arrested for indecent exposure.

(2) As a baby, she had to be breast-fed by the family dog.

(3) Even mosquitoes stay away from her.

(4) She startles the animals at the zoo.

(5) On Halloween, she has to trick or treat over the phone.

(6) She makes onions cry.

(7) Her *** looks like two pigs fighting over a box of milk duds.

(8) Her armpits look like she has Don King in a headlock.

(9) The plastic surgeon wanted to add a tail.

(10) When she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.





Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.

The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"



A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work. By mid morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home.
"What took you so long to answer?"
"I was in bed."
"What were you doing in bed this late?"
"Getting a second opinion."





Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. "Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time. "The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my ***** one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my ***** ... fifty times"





An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her. She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole."



One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word '*****' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word '*****' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."





A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."





Late at night this guy runs into a pub and demands a glass of water from the landlord. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six pints later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks. "That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the landlord.

The guy says: "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't." "Where's your car?" the landlord asks. "At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I nip out and take your place." "Be my guest," the guy says. So the landlord goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. And they get right down to it, humping away.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop, and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple. "What's going on here?" he asks. "It's all right, officer," explains the landlord, "She's my wife." The officer replies apologetically, "Oh, sorry sir, I didn't realize."

Look at the woman the landlord says, "Neither did I till you switched on that damned light."




A man from the Internal Revenue Service knocks on a door and it is opened by a little boy. The man asks the boy, "Where is your mother?" The boy states, "She's in the backyard, screwing the goat." The man exclaims, "Son, it's not nice to make up stories like that!" The boy says, "Come on in and I'll show you." So the taxman follows the little boy to the back of the house and looks out the window into the backyard. There, he sees a woman screwing a goat. Disgusted, he turns to the boy and says, "That is gross! Doesn't that bother you?" The little boy answers, "Naaaaaaaaah!"




A guy is walking down the street and enters a clock and watch shop. While looking around, he notices a drop dead gorgeous female clerk behind the counter. He walks up to the counter where she is standing, unzips his pants, flops his chop out and and places it on the counter. "What are you doing, Sir?", she asks. "This is a clock shop!!" He replied, "I know it is and I would like 2 hands and a face put on this!"



One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."



One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots. The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?" Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!" Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story. Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did." "Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did." "Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same. Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots. Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."



A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."




In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

"Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

MAD IN NC

Haven't seen any Lawyer jokes for a while......so, "heard in court" is presented to ya'll

MAD IN NC

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MAD IN NC

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MAD IN NC

long but funny...... he does speak his mind.. And he can't handle XXX hot wings

roadster65

vetintheblood

Roger Walling

Why do pipers walk while they play? To get away from the noise.

I decided to call my Scottish father-in-law the “Exorcist” because every time he came to visit he made the spirits disappear.

“In Scotland we have mixed feelings about Global Warming. Because we all get to sit on the mountains and watch the English drown.”

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a bagpipe? You can tune a lawn mower.

93RubyRedCoupe

63 340HP

It is never difficult to distinguish between a Scotsman with a grievance and a ray of sunshine. P. G. Wodehouse




The proper drinking of Scotch whisky is more than indulgence: it is a toast to civilization, a tribute to the continuity of culture, a manifesto of man's determination to use the resources of nature to refresh mind and body and enjoy to the full the senses with which he has been endowed. David Daiches




Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences. Robert Louis Stevenson



There is no such uncertainty as a sure thing. Robert Burns

Kerrmudgeon

Kerrmudgeon

some moar pics from the past week........

Thanks for all the birthday wishes guys.

Kerrmudgeon

63 340HP