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(@[email protected]) FRIDAY FUNNIES FEB 8th (@[email protected])

 
Old 02-08-2019, 12:33 PM
  #21  
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Old 02-08-2019, 06:46 PM
  #22  
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Default On the farm

[QUOTE]
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. "Not yet," said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. "How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks."Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I
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Old 02-08-2019, 07:54 PM
  #23  
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Two rednecks flew to Canada on a hunting trip

They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.

They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.

The two guys objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the crash.

After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, “Any idea where we are?”

Billy Bob replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”






The invisible man married the invisible woman and had a family…
The children were nothing to look at…

.

Why is every gender equality officer female?
Its cheaper that way

.

My girlfriend said I was immature…
so I banned her from my cardboard box fort

.

Did you ever hear about the clostraphobic astronaught?
He just needed some space

.

A priest asks a convicted murderer at the electric chair: “Do you have any last requests?”
“Yes,” replies the murderer. “Hold my hand”

.

Sometimes my secretary reminds me of my wife
I was unbuttoning her shirt during our lunch break today when she said “remember you have a wife”

.

My wife said I need to communicate more.
So I gave her my email address

.

You have to hand it to small people
Because they can’t reach

.

Communist puns aren’t funny unless everyone gets it

.

Don’t fart in the Apple Store,
They don’t have windows










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Old 02-08-2019, 08:37 PM
  #24  
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Interesting facts....ya, that's it!














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Old 02-08-2019, 11:45 PM
  #25  
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Old 02-09-2019, 11:21 AM
  #26  
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An interesting interpretation on a classic recipe.......

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Old 02-09-2019, 11:32 AM
  #27  
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I HAD IT ALL....but
I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he
ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all.I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed,
I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and Iwent to the gym, the pool, and the library.I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I
even had full medical coverage.I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs?
Alcohol? ,Divorce?"
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no....

"I was paroled!"
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Old 02-09-2019, 01:58 PM
  #28  
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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to have a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said, "Who owns the big white horse outside?"The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said "I do....why?"The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?"The Lone Ranger stands up again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"(....I JUST LOVE THIS PART....)"Nothin', but you left your injun runnin'"
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Old 02-09-2019, 06:02 PM
  #29  
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Old 02-09-2019, 06:08 PM
  #30  
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A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Never fool around with a Little old lady!




A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he's perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
"Son, there's been a bit of a mix-up," admits the surgeon. "I'm afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a *****."
"What?!" gasps the patient. "You mean I'll never experience another erection?"
"Oh, you might, " the surgeon reassures him. "Just not yours."




A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's home, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.
The redneck replied that it wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.




A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk.
"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"


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Old 02-09-2019, 07:48 PM
  #31  
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Old 02-09-2019, 09:06 PM
  #32  
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Old 02-10-2019, 12:35 AM
  #33  
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Default A jog to the memory of simple times...

[QUOTE]

A little house with two bedrooms,
One bathroom and one car on the street
A mower that you had to push
To make the grass look neat.

In the kitchen on the wall
We only had one phone,
And no need for recording things,
Someone was always home.

We only had a living room
Where we would congregate,
Unless it was at mealtime
In the kitchen where we ate.

We had no need for family rooms
Or extra rooms to dine.
When meeting as a family
Those two rooms would work out fine.

We only had one TV set
And channels maybe two,
But always there was one of them
With something worth the view

For snacks we had potato chips
That tasted like a chip.
And if you wanted flavor
There was Lipton's onion dip.

Store-bought snacks were rare because
My mother liked to cook
And nothing can compare to snacks
In Betty Crocker's book

Weekends were for family trips
Or staying home to play
We all did things together –
Even go to church to pray.

When we did our weekend trips
Depending on the weather,
No one stayed at home because
We liked to be together.

Sometimes we would separate
To do things on our own,
But we knew where the others were
Without our own cell phone

Then there were the movies
With your favorite movie star,
And nothing can compare
To watching movies in your car

Then there were the picnics
at the peak of summer season,
Pack a lunch and find some trees
And never need a reason.

Get a baseball game together
With all the friends you know,
Have real action playing ball –
And no game video.

Remember when the doctor
Used to be the family friend,
And didn't need insurance
Or a lawyer to defend.

The way that he took care of you
Or what he had to do,
Because he took an oath and strived
To do the best for you.

Remember going to the store
And shopping casually,
And when you went to pay for it
You used your own money?

Nothing that you had to swipe
Or punch in some amount,
And remember when the cashier person
Had to really count?

The milkman used to go
From door to door,
And it was just a few cents more
Than going to the store.

There was a time when mailed letters
Came right to your door,
Without a lot of junk mail ads
Sent out by every store .

The mailman knew each house by name
And knew where it was sent;
There were not loads of mail addressed
To "present occupant”

There was a time when just one glance
Was all that it would take,
And you would know the kind of car,
The model and the make

They didn't look like turtles
Trying to squeeze out every mile;
They were streamlined, white walls, fins
And really had some style

One time the music that you played
Whenever you would jive,
Was from a vinyl, big-holed record
Called a forty-five

The record player had a post
To keep them all in line
And then the records would drop down
And play one at a time.

Oh sure, we had our problems then,
Just like we do today
And always we were striving,
Trying for a better way.

Oh, the simple life we lived
Still seems like so much fun,
How can you explain a game,
Just kick the can and run?

And why would boys put baseball cards
Between bicycle spokes
And for a nickel, red machines
Had little bottled Cokes?

This life seemed so much easier
Slower in some ways
I love the new technology
But I sure do miss those days.

So time moves on and so do we
And nothing stays the same,
But I sure love to reminisce
And walk down memory lane.

With all today's technology
We grant that it's a plus!
But it's fun to look way back and say,
HEY LOOK, GUYS, THAT WAS US!
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Old 02-10-2019, 04:29 PM
  #34  
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1960s Car Salesman....READ BEFORE WATCHING......

Who remembers Ralph Williams in SF area? Big time car dealer!
This is one of the greatest commercials ever seen and it only aired once.
During the late 60s, most television programs and commercials
were live. There were no "pre-recorded" programs. There were some
obvious problems with this method. No "retakes" and "bloopers" were a
regular occurrence. This salesman quit right after this commercial.
This is no blooper! This guy was just very upset with his boss
and told it like he thought it was. What a great job of ad-libbing. He
never misses a beat while, if you listen carefully, you'll hear the cameraman
and sound man lose it.
The commercial got on the air, but only once!


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Old 02-10-2019, 04:31 PM
  #35  
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A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sundress, walked into a bar in Dublin, Ireland.

She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, "What man here will buy a woman a drink?" The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her.
But down at the end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, "Give the ballerina a drink!" The bartender poured the drink, and the woman chugged it down. She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, "What man here will buy a lady another drink?" Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, "Give the ballerina another drink!" The bartender approached the little drunk and said, "Tell me, Paddy, it's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?" The drunk replied, "Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina!"

....

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Old 02-10-2019, 04:58 PM
  #36  
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Originally Posted by Kerrmudgeon View Post
Sequel

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Old 02-10-2019, 05:10 PM
  #37  
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Old 02-11-2019, 06:23 AM
  #38  
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