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(@[email protected]) FRIDAY FUNNIES FEB 8th (@[email protected])

 
Old 02-08-2019, 12:19 AM
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Default (@[email protected]) FRIDAY FUNNIES FEB 8th (@[email protected])

Hello all.... Hope all had a good week. I did, been ~70+f the last few days! Dusted off few of the cars, made some noise and put some miles on and still have today (fri) left before weather goes back to crap. Looking around it's pretty much status quo (and colder) for Kermie up in Canuckistan and worse out West up there. I could never live there. Ozland is burning up and flooding. So much for the weather update... Come on Spring!!!!!

Well we're at another eve of what is now a Hallmark holiday - Valentines Day, which was religious but know is a event metered by how much people spend. Estimates are $162 per person in the US. Not me..... Growing up in Chicago it was recognized of another event in the Clarke St. garage which was the "trigger" of Al Capones demise eventually...

So, enjoy the week, enjoy Valentines Day with the loved ones and enjoy the Friday Funnies and FEEL FREE TO CONTRIBUTE - It's your thread

________________________________________ ________________________________________ _______________________________-
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Old 02-08-2019, 12:27 AM
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Default New NON HALLMARK V-Day cards found..........


























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Old 02-08-2019, 12:36 AM
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A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.



My One And Only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweler’s shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweler inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweler smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'





Question and Answer Valentine Jokes Valentine's day jokes
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
A: Forget-me-nuts.

Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!

Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.

Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an Apple.

Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand? Valentine Joke

Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.

Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.

Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear

Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.

Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.

Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.

Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
A: Antelope.



Valentine Dreams
One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," Jim said.
That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".


​​​​​​​


500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asked Mike.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.


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Old Age At It's Best
Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and-- lo and behold!--there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you?'
Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for?'
'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pled 'guilty'.
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'


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Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"


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A new bride went to her doctor for a check up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husbands legs?"
The doctor replies "We call that the *****." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the *****?"
The doctor replies "We call that the head of the *****. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the *****?"
The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ***!"


​​​​​​​

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a **** real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a **** in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,

"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where it is?"


​​​​​​​


A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise.
Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still. Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"
"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"



​​​​​​​


So this older guy goes to the doctor asking for a prescription for 'Viagra'. The guy asks for a large dose of the *strongest* variety. The doctor asks why he needs so much. The guy says that two young nymphomaniacs are spending a week at his place. The doctor fills the prescription.
Later that week, the same guy goes back to the doctor asking for pain killers. The doctor asks 'why, is your dick in that much pain?', 'no', says the guy, 'it's for my wrists - the girls never showed up!'


​​​​​​​



A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?" The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job. So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?" And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."


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One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea asked, "What the hell happened to you?" To which the second flea replied "I just rode out here on a bikers mustache and I'm so very coldddd!" The first flea said, "Don't you know the special trick to gettin here, first you go to the airport, go straight to the ladies cammode, wait for a pretty young stewardess to come along, and when she sits down you climb right up in there where its nice and warm". The second flea agreed that this was a grand idea. The next winter comes along and it was time for the fleas to head for the sunny beaches again. The first flea arrived and began putting suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flea legs. About that time, the second flea arrived again just a shiverin', shakin', and mumbling about how cold he was. The first flea exclaimed "Didn't you learn anything that I taught you about getting here nice and warm?" To which the second flea replied, "I did just as you said; I went to the ladies cammode and this pretty stewardess came in and sat down, I climbed right up in there and it was so very warm. Next thing I know we stop at a bar and I fell asleep. All of a sudden I woke and there I was, right back on that bikers mustache!


​​​​
​​​
To men discussing how tight *** cold their wives had been to them about giving sex. The first fellow says "My wife's so cold I can put a glass of water in bed with her and the next morning its turned to ice." The second fellow says "Hell, every time my old lady spreads her legs the furnace kicks in!"

​​​​​​​


One evening this drunk walks into a bar, sits down, and happens to notice a 12" tall man standing on the bar. Astonished, the man asks the guy next to him; "What the hell is that?" The guy next to him replies "He's a pianist!", to which the drunk replied "Horse ****, your pulling my leg" So the guy next to him picks up the 12" man , grabs some books, and props the little man up to the piano. Sure enough, this little man started hammerin out all the favorite tunes of the bars' patrons. Stunned, the drunk asks "That little guy is cool, where the hell did you get him"? The fella told the drunk how he had found a genie bottle out in the alley, rubbed it til a genie appeared, and was granted one wish. All of a sudden the drunk hauls *** out the back door, finds the bottle, and starts rubbing it: when all of a sudden a genie pops out and grants him one wish. In a slur, the drunk asks "I wish for a million bucks". All of a sudden, the sky turns black and overhead a million ducks come flying overhead shittin all over him. Angrily, the drunk runs back inside, slams the door and begins cursing "You son of a bitch, I found that genie bottle and wished for a million bucks and all of a sudden there are a million ducks shitting all over my new suit." The fella started laughing and wildly exclaimed "You don't really think I wished for a 12" pianist do you?"


​​​​​​​


This retarded kid is starting his first day of school. He walks down to the bus stop and waits for the bus to take him to school. The bus eventually drives up and opens the door. "Hello Mr Schoolbus Driver" he says in a slurred voice. Then the bus door closes and drives off without picking him up. He went back home, told his parents and figured he would try again.

The next morning, he stood at the bus stop, the bus came around and opened the door. In a slurred voice the boy says ,"Hello Mr Busdriver!" To which the bus driver closed the door and drove off.

The boy went back to his parents and told them, to which they were majorly pissed off. The next morning, they came down with the boy to the bus stop to talk to the driver. The bus came past and the door opened. The father of the boy asks, "My boy needs to go to school each morning, but you keep closing the door and driving off, how come?". The bus driver says in a slurred voice, "He keeps making fun of me!"



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A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after. He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal ", the man replies "No, it's just frost on my moustache."


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The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to **********.

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."


​​​​​​​


After thirty-five years of marriage, Bernie is lying on his deathbed and with a tear in his eye he says "Annabel before I die I have to tell you something". She replies "Yes, yes dear anything what is it?" He starts, "The first year we were together, I caught pneumonia and almost died. You sat by my bed and nursed me back to health." To which the wife nods her head and he continues, "When I lost half my family in the terrible car crash, it was you by my side who kept me going. When our kids grew up and ran away from home, you sat with me and comforted me! And when I lost everything last year in the fire at the store, you were right by my side the whole time. Annabel You've been through everything with me." Bernie says, "So before I die I just want you to know you're a ******* jinx!"


​​​​​​​


There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal. "What's the deal?" he asks. His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you." Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat. The boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"


​​​​​​​


A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital. The doctor looked her over and told them it would be a rather difficult delivery. He offered to let the couple try an experimental procedure. The woman would be connected to a machine that would transfer part of the pain to the father of the baby, thus reducing her own. The man quickly agreed. The doctor warned him, though, that there was a slight bug in the machine that caused it to amplify the pain sent to the father by ten times, and if the pain became too much for to bear would he please let the doctor know.

The doctor turned on the machine and watched the man. The man said he felt absolutely fine and he could take more. The doctor turned the dial up to 40, 60, 80, and finally 100% of the pain, times ten. The woman delivered the baby painlessly and the doctor stared at the man, astonished at how he could not even flinch with that much pain brought upon him.

The couple took the new baby home. There, on the front step, the mailman lay dead.


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Old 02-08-2019, 12:40 AM
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Some interesting facts... (not funny but worth the read)


Ford Motor Company sold more than one million Ford Model Ts in 1919,
and each of those Model Ts used 100 board feet of wood for the parts
such as frame, dashboard, steering wheels and wheels.

Because of the amount of wood that had to be used in the cars, Henry
Ford decided he wanted to produce his own supply. He enlisted the help
of Edward G. Kingsford, a real estate agent in Michigan, to find him a
supply of wood. Coincidentally, Kingsford’s wife was a cousin of Ford
– making the partnership a reality.

In the early 1920s, Ford acquired large timberland in Iron Mountain,
Michigan, and built a sawmill and parts plant in a neighboring area
(which became Kingsford, Michigan).

The mill and plants produced sufficient parts for the car but
generated waste such as stumps, branches and sawdust. Ford suggested
that all wood scraps were to be processed into charcoal.

A University of Oregon chemist, Orin Stafford, had invented a method
for making pillow-shaped lumps of fuel from sawdust and mill waste
combined with tar and bound together with cornstarch.

He called the lumps “charcoal briquettes.” Thomas Edison designed the
briquette factory next to the sawmill, and Kingsford ran it. It was a
model of efficiency, producing 610 lb. (280 kg) of briquettes for
every ton of scrap wood. The product was sold only through Ford
dealerships. Ford then named the new business Ford Charcoal and
changed the name of the charcoal blocks to “briquettes”.

At the beginning, the charcoal was sold to meat and fish smokehouses,
but supply exceeded demand.

By the mid-1930s, Ford was marketing “Picnic Kits” containing charcoal
and portable grills directly from Ford dealerships, capitalizing on
the link between motoring and outdoor adventure that his own
Vagabond travels popularized. “Enjoy a modern picnic,” the package
suggested. “Sizzling broiled meats, steaming coffee, toasted
sandwiches.” It wasn’t until after World War II that backyard
barbecuing took off, thanks to suburban migration, the invention of
the Weber grill and the marketing efforts. An investment group bought
Ford Charcoal in 1951 and renamed it to Kingsford Charcoal in honor of
Edward G. Kingsford (and the factory’s home-base name) and took over
the operations. The plant was later acquired by Clorox in 1973.

How cool is that, huh? The story of Kingsford charcoal isn’t merely
“an American story,” as their website proclaims. It’s the bone and
sinew of Americana itself, from start to finish.

Funny, too, how sour old Henry always seemed to find a way to make his
famous parsimony pay off somehow—and if he couldn’t find a way, he’d
manufacture one himself. For a grouchy, greedy Capitalist
Industrialist, he was a damned creative fellow, full of unconventional ideas he wasn’t the least bit timid about pursuing.





Watch this on full screen in dark room. Absolutely spectacular.

The South Pole is one of the coldest, driest and harshest places on earth. The Aurora Australis can be seen together with the core of the milkyway only here in Antarctica. Temperatures below -70°C/-95°F during the polar night are not uncommon. Together with strong winds and exceptional aridity this is one of the hardest places to shoot timelapse in. Special equipment has been constructed and modified to keep the cameras running.

Read more about it here:http://www.antarctic-adventures.de

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Old 02-08-2019, 12:46 AM
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Old 02-08-2019, 12:48 AM
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Old 02-08-2019, 12:51 AM
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Old 02-08-2019, 12:56 AM
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Old 02-08-2019, 01:03 AM
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Old 02-08-2019, 02:27 AM
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From Sammy K.


The Black Bra (as told by a woman)I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams...I love you.' Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said,

(you are going to love this ..... see below)








" What's for dinner, Zorro?"

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Old 02-08-2019, 02:31 AM
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Beware of those little cute spies in your house and car........


Not funny, but a little scary on the same topic!


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Old 02-08-2019, 02:35 AM
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Interesting in flight announcements........

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Old 02-08-2019, 03:49 AM
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Old 02-08-2019, 06:44 AM
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A few pics from the funny files........

























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Old 02-08-2019, 07:00 AM
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Henry Ford dies and goes to heaven. At the gates, an angeltells Ford, "Well, you've been such a good guy and your invention,the assembly line for the automobile, changed the world. As areward, you can hang out with anyone you want to in Heaven."
Ford thinks about it and says, "I wanna hang out with God,himself." The befeathered fellow at the gate takes Ford to theThrone Room and introduces him to God. Ford then asks God, "Hey,aren't you the inventor of Woman?" God says, "Ah, yes." "Well,"says Ford, You have some major design flaws in your invention:
l. There's too much front end protrusion
2. It chatters at high speeds
3. The rear end wobbles too much, and
4. The intake is placed to close to the exhaust."
"Hmmm.." replies God, "hold on." God goes to the Celestial Supercomputer, types in a few keystrokes, and waits for the result.The computer prints out a slip of paper and God reads it. "It maybe that my invention is flawed," God replies to Henry Ford,"but according to my Computer, more men are riding my invention than yours."




Marriage Certificate.....

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband: "I was looking for the expiration date."



The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recruiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all eligible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them.
The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off.
The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!"




Character Recognition and the Secret Service......
Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
(Wait for it....)

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald duck!”





A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.

The teacher asked, "Little Johnny what is your problem?"

Little Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

The teacher had had enough.

She took Little Johnny to the principal's office.

While Little Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.

The teacher agreed.

Little Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Little Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Little Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Little Johnny can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Little Johnny both agree.

The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Little Johnny, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Little Johnny replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Little Johnny: "Pants"

Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Little Johnny: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,

Little Johnny was taking charge.

Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Little Johnny: Bubblegum

Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.

Little Johnny: Shake hands

Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Little Johnny: Yep.

Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Little Johnny: Tent

Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Little Johnny: Wedding Ring

Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Little Johnny: Nose

Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Little Johnny: Arrow

Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Little Johnny: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Little Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."

.....

Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 02-08-2019 at 07:03 AM.
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Old 02-08-2019, 07:34 AM
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