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A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
"You all have obsessions," he observed.
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating.
You've even named your daughter Candy."
He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."
He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol.
Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."
At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go."
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter. He asks her to "go downtown" so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?" She replies, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money!!"
The following gems of wisdom were gleaned from test papers and essays from elementary, junior high, high school, and college students.
As one teacher noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird stuff our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades!"
"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube."
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide."
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"There is no Nitrogen in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature, abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat."
"To prevent milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you do not breathe, you expire."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eyelid down over the nose."
"The parts of speech are lungs and air."
"The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes."
"A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population."
"A virgin forest is a forest where the hand of man has never set foot."
"The general direction of the Alps is straight up."
"A city purifies its water supply by filtering the water then forcing it through an aviator."
"Most of the houses in France are made of plaster of Paris."
"The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums."
"The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom."
"We do not raise silk worms in the United States, because we get our silk from rayon. He is a larger worm and gives more silk."
"One of the main causes of dust is janitors."
"A scout obeys all to whom obedience is due and respects all duly constipated authorities."
"The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar."
"The climate is hottest next to the Creator."
"Oliver Cromwell had a large red nose, but under it were deeply religious feelings."
"The word trousers is an uncommon noun because it is singular at the top and plural at the bottom."
The Agony of Aging
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit an aging friend.
He was busy covering his ***** with black shoe polish.
-- I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back".
________________________________________ _________________
Pregnant Prostitute
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the father is?"
-- "For cryin' out loud! If you ate a tin of beans would you know which one made you fart?"
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"
The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells,
"Clean up in aisle 4!"
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” “I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”
"Darling," a husband whispered to his wife late one night, "if I died, would you get married again?"
"I suppose so," she replied.
"Would you sleep in the same bed with him?" he asked.
"Well, it's the only bed in the house, so I have no choice," she replied.
"Would you make love to him?" he asked.
"Honey," the woman said patiently, "of course I would. He would be my husband."
"Would you give him my car?" he asked.
"No," she yawned. "He can't drive a stick shift."
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He tells the operator, “I think Sal is dead! What should I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he’s dead." There is a silence. And then a gunshot is heard. Vinny’s voice comes back on the line, "Okay… Now what? "
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
A woman goes to a counselor, worried about her husband's temper.
The counselor asks, "What's the problem?"
The woman says, "I don't know what to do. Every day my husband loses his temper for no reason. It scares me."The Counselor says, "I have a cure for that. When it seems your husband is getting angry, take a double shot of Jack Daniel's and swish it in your mouth Swish and swish, but don't swallow until he either leaves the room or calms down."Two weeks later, she goes back to the counselor, looking fresh and reborn She tells the counselor, "That was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband started to get angry, I swished the Jack. I swished and swished, and he calmed down.How does swishing Jack Daniel's in your mouth do that?"The counselor said, "The Jack Daniel's does nothing. Keeping your mouth shut is the trick."
02-15-2019, 08:40 PM
