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Little Patrick asked for a Bike for his Birthday.
His Dad said,
"Listen Son, we'd get you one but the Mortgage is £280,000 and your Mum has just lost her job"
Next day Patrick walked out of his room, with his Suitcase all packed,
His Dad asked, "Where are you going Paddy"..??
Patrick said,
"Well, I walked past your Bedroom last night and heard you tell Mum that you were Pulling Out, then I heard her tell you to wait because she was Coming too",
"So, I'm not Living here on my own, with an £280,000 Mortgage and no ******* Bike"..
A lady says to the doctor, "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep what should I give him to cure it"?
Doctor, "Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake".....!!!
Sean says, Can't work my wife out. First she says,"Yes, fine, have a tattoo." Now she's moaning about the bagpipers in the garden.
Paddy was so drunk last night.
When he got to the bottom of the stairs, He took off his shoes, coat, t-shirt, trousers, underwear and crept upstairs very quietly....
It was only when he got to the top of the stairs , he realized he was on a bus!!!
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine..!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side.
I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. Be Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'..?'
'Now wot da fock would you say..?'
When Mick came home last night his girlfriend was sat opposite him with her legs wide open. Mick said to her, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Oh, yes!" she replied with a little smile.
Mick said, "Thank all for that. I thought the sofa had burst!"
PADDY'S LAST WILL -
Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near.
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast.
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra."
"My daughter Geraldine, you take the apartments over in Malone Road."
"My son Patrick Junior, I want you to take the offices in the City centre."
"Bridget, my dear wife, please take all the residential properties on the Upper Lisburn Road ."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away. They did not realize the extent of Paddy's wealth. As he slips away, the nurse says to his wife, " Mrs O'Shaughnessy, my deepest condolences. Your husband must have been such a hard-working and wonderful man to have accumulated all this property"..
"Property?”, his wife replies. “The ****** had a window cleaning round."
Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.
The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.
At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'
He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.
Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.
Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, '**** dat.
Dis budgie jumping is too ****'n dangerous for me!'
THERE'S MORE. ...
Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.
He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone
in his body.
Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'
IT IS NOT OVER YET....
Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.
He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.
Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
Once more Paddy shakes his head.
'**** dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his ****'n hengliding!'
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'
Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.
Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..
'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher. ______________
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp.
'What happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
'Micheal O'Connor and me had a fight,' says Paddy
'That little skinny O'Connor?,' says Sean, 'How could he do that to you? He must have had something in his hand.'
'That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible beatin' he gave me with it.'
'Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself ta same. Didn't you have something in your hand?'
That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Connor's breast. And a thing of beauty it was; but useless in a fight.' __________________
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver, 'where have ya been?'
'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.
'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'
'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.
'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, 'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'
'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.’___________________
AND THE BEST FOR LAST . .
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
Paddy is walking along the beach and finds a bottle. While rubbing off the label to see what it is a genie pops out and tells him that for releasing him he will grant Paddy 3 wishes. Paddy says ‘Well now, let me see’ (thinks for a minute) then says; ‘I would like a bottle of fine Irish whiskey such that no matter how much I drink from it always remains full’. The genie snaps his fingers and poof a bottle appears in Paddy’s hands. Paddy takes a big swig of the bottle and, sure enough, it is still full. He takes a deep breath and guzzles down a huge amount and, once again, the bottle is still full. He says; ‘Well thanks so much Mr Genie and you have yourself a foine day’ as he turns to walk away. The genie says ‘wait, you still have 2 wishes left’. Paddy says, ‘Ah yes, so I do, so I do'. (thinks for a minute) 'Tell ya what, I’ll have two more of the same’.
The genie says ‘wait, you still have 2 wishes left’. Paddy says, ‘Ah yes, so I do, so I do'. (thinks for a minute) 'Tell ya what, I’ll have two more of the same’.
Maybe not so dumb. Imagine the market value of the other two bottles in Ireland.
03-16-2019, 07:37 PM
Maybe not so dumb. Imagine the market value of the other two bottles in Ireland.
