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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
(☻Y☻) ST.PATTTY'S WEEKEND FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) March 15th weekend 2019.
Ya'll got yer green beer ready for the weekend? Hey guys it's early Friday morning, spring has sprung around here, sorrry to hear about some of the USA inundated with winter weather, hopefully it will be the last this year.
Soooooo, let's hear and see your best Irish yarns this weekend.....I know Mike has a stockpile ready for us, but we'll start out with some real hibrow videos......
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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Background: government is currently in a bribery scandal with a huge company called SNC Lavalin.......
Three contractors are bidding to repair a fence at the Parliament Buildings. One is from Montreal, another is from Winnipeg and the third is from Vancouver. All three go with a public works official to examine the fence. The Vancouver contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil .
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $9,000. That's $4,000 for materials, $4,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Winnipeg contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $7,000.
That's $3,000 for materials, $3,000 for my crew and $1,000 profit for me." The Montreal contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the government official and whispers, "$27,000." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high figure?”
"The Montreal contractor whispers back, "$10,000 for me, $10,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Winnipeg to repair the fence. "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how Government contracts work for SNC Lavalin
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Philanthropy.......
"I hear that Mrs. Brewster hasn't paid her servants any wages for a number of months," remarked one lady to another in a suburban town.
"Why does she keep such a number of them then?" was the pertinent inquiry.
"Oh, Mrs. Brewster tells everyone she regards it as her solemn duty to employ as many as possible when times are so hard."
You Might Be A Redneck If #78
You might be a reneck if...
Ambulance is a mule driven buckboard with a spinning lantern.
Nurses wear flour sack uniforms and look like burned out cloggers.
Dogs hang around O. R. for scraps.
Maternity Room is a do-it-yourself with fresh straw, a jack knife and a string.
Anesthesiologist in bib overalls, feeds you a clear liquid out of a mason jar.
Your Gynecologist is Ernest.
Your Proctologist, who watched Deliverance 200 times, asks you if can squeal like a pig.
The Interns are led by Ernest T. Bass.
Surgical instruments include a stick of dynamite and a chain saw.
I hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.
My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives.The special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!
Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man.
Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was on 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family.
"And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."
"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.
"It makes your pecker look bigger."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?
Looks are deceiving...
A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.
"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.
So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."
An Irishman goes to the doctor, who after examining him says“You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.
“So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks,
“Do I have to take them every day?”
No,” replies the doctor, “take one on the Monday, skip the Tuesday, take one on the Wednesday, skip the Thursday and go on like that.
“Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife. “Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?”
“Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy.
“I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.”
“Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy,
“It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”
An Irishman goes into a pub and orders three whiskies.
After he has put them on the bar, the barman says to him ”That’s not like you, Paddy, you’re normally a Guinness man!”
Paddy replies, “Well you see, I’ve just had my first ever *******! ”Great!” says the barman,
“Have another one on the house!”
To which Paddy replies, “No thanks, if three of them don’t work, a fourth one won’t get rid of the taste either!”
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter.
As he’s drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says, “Hey, what’s that little green thing down there?”
The green man runs down the bar gives the Englishman a
raspberry, “SPLBLBLBLT!,” right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman.
The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
“Hey, what is that thing, anyway?”
The Irishman replies, “Have some respect. He’s a leprechaun.”
“Oh, all right.” the Englishman says sullenly. They all go
back to drinking beer.
An hour or so later, the Englishman is really plastered.
“Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!” he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a
raspberry again, “SPLBLBLBLBT!”
This time the Englishman is really mad!
“Tell that leprechaun that if he does that again I’ll Chop his
willie right off, I will!” he shouts.
“You can’t do that,” says the Irishman. “Leprechauns don’t
have *******.”
“How do they pee, then?” asks the Englishman.
“They don’t,” says the Irishman. “They go SPLBLBLBLBT.”
Dublins Patrick O’Shea called his lawyer and asked, “Is it true they are suin’ dem der cigarette companies for causin’ people to git cancer?”
“Yes, Patrick, sure is true,” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suin’ dem fast food restaurants for makin’ dem fat an’ cloggin’ their arteries with all dem der burgers an’ fries, is that true,?”
“Sure is, Patrick.”
“And that a lady sued McDonald’s for millions when she burned her tongue with that hot coffee that she ordered?”
“Yep.”
“And that a football player sued that university when he graduated and still couldn’t read?”
“That’s right,” said the lawyer.“But why are you asking?”
“Well, I was thinkin’ . . .
What I want to know is, can I sue Guinness for all dem ugly women It made me sleep with.
Irish Shorty’s o Paddy went to the Doc’s today. and said “do you treat alcoholics”, The Dr replied, “of course we do”………Paddy said “great get your coat on, I’m feckin skint
o Barman says to Paddy “Your glass is empty, fancy another one?” lookin’ puzzled Paddy says “Why know would i be needed two empty feckin glasses?”
o Paddy says to Mary if you were stranded on a desert island who would you like most to be with you?”
“My uncle Mick” replies Paddy.
“What’s so special about him?” asks Mary.
“He’s got a boat,” says Paddy
o “Young man,” said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant.“It’s alcohol and alcohol alone that’s responsible for your present sorry state!”I’m glad to hear you say that,” replied Murphy, with a sigh of relief.”Everybody else says it’s all my fault!”
An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major blue chip computer companies.When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper and placed it in front of the Irishman.“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”
After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”
“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent, “Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”
The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 99.
After thinking for a long while the Irishman scribbled up and down the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not ninety-nine!”
“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman, “Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”
The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.
After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.
The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not 100!”
“Oh yes it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much broader Irish accent,
“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd, make a 100
Old man Murphy and old man Sean were contemplating life when Murphy asked, “If you had to get one or the other would you rather get Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?
”Sure, I rather have Parkinson’s”, replied Sean
“’Tis better to spill a couple of ounces of Jameson whiskey than to forget where you keep the bottle!”
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dose? asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my ***** on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Fookin Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything
Murphy, Collins and Vella are drinking in a pub when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at Collins, shouting,
“Your mum’s the best **** in town!”
Everyone expects a fight, but Collins ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and stick his nose into a pint of Guinness at the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at Collins again, and says,
“I just screwed your mum, and it was grand!”
Again Collins refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar.
Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mum said it was the best thing since sliced bread!”
A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says cruises on Liffey River – $100.
He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.
The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a half hour later, sees the sign and pays the guy $100.
The travel agent then whacks him over the head and throws him in the river.
Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any food on this cruise?”
The second man says, “I don’t think so. They didn’t do it last year.”
NEWSFLASH………..
The Irish SAS were dropped into Russia last week with orders to take Vladimir Putin out……
So far…. news reports say …… he’s been to the cinema twice……… and last night they went Ten Pin Bowling…..!
Paddy and Mick were having a few beers at the bar together recounting old times when the call of nature caused them to line up at the stainless steel, still deep in conversation.
But Paddy could hardly ignore the fact that Mick was very well endowed.
“I say, ‘tis a remarkable dong you have there,” Paddy was prompted to remark.
“Wasn’t always that way,” replied Mick. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said.
“I got this done in Dublin. It costs me twenty thousand euros, but as you can see, well worth it.”
Paddy was envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and drove to Dublin.
It was a good six months later before he ran into Mick once again and he could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was well pleased with the result.
“You were diddled. I got mine for ten thousand euros only” said Paddy.
Mick could hardly believe it. Same address in Dublin, same doctor.
Thinking that he had been ripped off, he asked Paddy if he could have a look.
Once more they lined up at the stainless steel and when Mick took a peek, the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared and he started laughing.
“Why are you laughing?”
“No wonder you got it at half price,” Mick laughed. “That’s my old one!”
Paddy went to his local supermarket after a lunchtime session to do some shopping
With his list, he went to reach for the largest cucumber in the shop when this tall sexy looking blonde also went to grab it.
“Oh yeah, I bet I know now why you be wanting the biggest one,” he winked.
“You’ve got me” she giggled, “Do you fancy coming back to mine and watching?”
“No thanks,” said Paddy, “I’ve got better things to do with me time than be standing around watching a woman make sandwiches.”
An Irish man went to confession in St. Patrick’s Catholic Church ..
‘Father’, he confessed, ‘ it been one month now since my last confession…
I was intimate with Fanny Green twice last month ..’
The priest told the sinner, ‘You are forgiven .. Go out and say three Hail Mary’s ..’
Soon thereafter, Another Irish man entered the confessional
‘Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I’ve had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months ..’
This time, the priest questioned, ‘Who IS this Fanny Green .. ?’
‘A new woman in the neighbourhood father, he replied. …
‘Very well’, sighed the priest .. Go and say ten Hail Mary’s’ ..
At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, Voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous Redheaded woman entered the sanctuary ..
The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest ..
Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching shiny emerald-green shoes.
The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn’t wearing any underwear.
The priest turned to the Altar boy and whispered, ‘Is That Fanny Green …?’
The bug-eyed altar boy couldn’t believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, ‘No Father, I think it’s just a Reflection from her shoes’ …!!’
Liam had left Dublin to go up to Belfast for a bit of skydiving, Late Sunday evening he was found in a tree by a farmer, What happened said the farmer, Liam replied, that his parachute failed to open, well said the farmer if you had asked the locals before you jumped, they would have told you nothing opens here on a Sunday.
Two Irishmen were sitting in a four-engined plane flying back from a shopping trip to Paris when the captain’s voice came over the loudspeaker. “Ladies and Gentlemen, one of the engines appear to have failed.
There’s nothing to worry about but we will be 15 minutes late in landing at Gatwick.”
Five minutes later he said, “Nothing to worry about, ladies and Gentlemen, but one of the other engines has failed, and we will now be an hour late.”
A moment later, “Er…sorry about this ladies and gentlemen, but the third engine has also given up and we will now be two hours later than expected.
One of the Irishmen tapped his friend on the shoulder. “Good heavens, Patrick, do you realise that if the other engine fails, we’ll be here all night”
Paddy drags a huge box to the Antiques Roadshow in Dublin. ‘Where did you get this?’ asks the expert.
It’s been in my loft for 40 years, to be sure’ replies Paddy, ‘and I tink it must be some kind of a family heirloom.’‘I see,’ says the expert. ‘Tell me, do you have insurance?’‘
No,’ replies Paddy.‘Do yus think I shud?’‘Yeah,’ replies the expert. ‘It’s your water tank.
Paddy had downed 4 pints of Smithys, 4 pints of Guinness and 3 whiskies, his money had run out…but poor Paddy wanted a few more. He thought and thought of a way to get a few more Euros
He went to a local park, grabbed a little dog, took it behind a tree, and wrote this note.
“I have kidnapped your dog ..I am sorry to do this, but I need the money ..”
Leave 500 euros in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree, in the park in 2 hours time, “Signed, Paddy from Cork.”
He pinned the note inside the little dog’s collar and told the dog to go straight home.
Two hours later Paddy returned to the park to find the 500 euros in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as he had instructed.
Inside the bag was the following note …
“Here is your money .. I CANNOT believe that one Paddy would do this to another Paddy, signed “the dog-owner”
I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said, “watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”
Paddy says, “yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”
I said, “what instructions, Paddy?”
Paddy says, “underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”
Paddy feared his wife Mary wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.
The doctor told him there is a simple informal test that paddy could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do said the doctor, stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.
If not go to 30 feet away and then 20 feet and so on until you get a response.
Later that day when Paddy gets home from the pub he sees Mary in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the hallway,
He thinks to himself I’m about 40 feet away let’s see what happens.
In a normal tone, he asks “Mary what’s for dinner my lovely?”
No response so he moves closer 30 feet he says” Mary what’s for feckin dinner ?”. Still no response.
He moves closer about 20 feet. ” Mary, for Christ’s sake can ye be telling me what’s for dinner ?” Still nothing and again at 10 feet still nothing.
So he walks up behind her and says Mary, can you tell me what’s for dinner?
She replied,
FOR **** SAKE PADDY FOR THE FIFTH TIME CHICKEN!!!
Murphy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.
He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby.
And on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive I think its been a while since I’ve been to confession and to be sure I must say that the confessional box is much better than it used to be.
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”
Paddy Irishman checks into a hotel for the first time in his life and goes up to his room.
Five minutes later he calls the desk and says, “Ya have given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?”
The desk clerk says, “Sir, that’s absurd.
Have you looked for the door?”
Paddy Irishman replies “Well, there’s one door that leads to the bathroom.
There’s a second door that goes into the closet.
And there’s a door I haven’t tried, but it has a ‘do not disturb’ sign on it.”
Paddy and Joseph were walking home from Mulligans Irish bar on Halloween night.
They decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Jaysus Man, ya frightened the life outa us”
Paddy called as he caught his breath.
“You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost!
What are you doing working here so late at night?” Joseph called.
“My friends are such fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelt my name and here I have to correct it!”
Paddy walks into a bar and asks for ten shots of the establishments finest single malt scotch.
The bartender sets him up, and Paddy takes the first shot in the row and pours it on the floor.
He then takes the last one in the and does the same.
The bartender asks him, “Why did you do that?” And Paddy replies, “Well the first shot always tastes like crap, and the last one always makes me sick
Declan, Mick and Seamus entered their local pub’s weekly raffle and to their surprise, they each won a prize:
Declan a bottle of whisky, Mick a large turkey and Seamus a toilet brush.
The next week, they met again in the pub and talked about their prizes.
Declan extolled the pleasures of his smooth Irish whisky, while Mick reported that the turkey was the most delicious he had ever tasted
Seamus looked rather glum when asked about the toilet brush.
‘It wasn’t that great,’ he said. ‘I think I’ll go back to using paper.’
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”
Murphy watches in amazement.
The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”
So Paddy leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
“Where do you think you’re going?” asks the foreman.
“Well, I can’t work in the friggin dark!” said Murphy.
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, ‘$165,000’.
The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, ‘What kind of bets?’
The elderly woman replied, ‘Well, I bet you $10,000 that your ********* are square.’
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, ‘Would you like to take my bet?’
‘Certainly’, replied the president. ‘I bet you $10,000 that my ********* are not square.’
‘Done’, the elderly woman answered. ‘But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 ‘ clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.’ ‘No problem’, said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his *********, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his ********* as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $10,000 bet made the day before that the president’s ********* were square
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. ‘Of course’, said the president. ‘Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.’
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, ‘Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock this morning I would be holding the ***** of the President of the Bank of Ireland’
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husband’s best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.
“Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory.”
Paddy shook his head. “Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
Mrs McMillen starts crying. “Oh don’t tell me that, did he at least go quickly?”
Paddy shakes his head. “Not really – he got out three times to pee!”
An Irishman was flustered not being able to find a parking space in a large mall’s parking lot.
“Lord,” he prayed, “I can’t stand this. If you open space up for me, I swear I’ll give up drinking me whisky, and I promise to go to church every Sunday.”
Suddenly, the clouds parted, and the sun shone on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man said, “Never mind, I found one.”
Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole, and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working all day furiously without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn’t understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, “I’m impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we’re normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick.'”
What’s the difference between God and Bono?
God doesn’t wander around Dublin thinking he’s Bono.
Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.
Paddy says, “Are you on foot or in the car?”
Billy says, “In the car.”
Paddy says, “That’s the quickest way.”
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend Finney.
“Did you see the paper?” asked Gallagher. “They say I died!!”
“Yes, I saw it!” replied Finney. “Where are ye callin’ from?”
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
The man said, “I do Father.”
The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.” Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.
“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest. Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.
The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”
O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go on a trip right now.
Paddy and Sean are planning to go out on St Patricks Day, but only have 50 cents between them. Paddy has an idea, he takes the 50 cents of Sean, goes to a butchers and buys a sausage.
Sean is really pissed off at first that Paddy spent their last money on a sausage, but Paddy lets him in on his plan. "We are going into the next pub, order two pints, drink them and when it comes to paying you go down on your knees, unzip my trousers, pull the sausage out and start sucking on it"
So, they go into the first pub and do exactly as Paddy suggested. The barmaid is disgusted by the sight and kicks the two out. Paddy says: "see it works, we didn't pay did we?" As Paddy's plan seems to be working they carry on doing it... In the 12th pub, both are quite drunk by now,
Sean isn't looking to good. They have just finished their pints... Sean: "I can't do this anymore Paddy my bloody knees are hurting as ****...!" Paddy: "No worries...I lost that bloody sausage in the third pub!"
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
A Cessna inbound at the reporting point over Manly Beach.
Tower (Female voice): "Cessna WYXD, congestion at airport approach. I’m going to have to hold you over the Manly area."
Cessna WYXD: "I love it when you talk dirty to me."
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet... How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able.. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English"
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124..7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway.”
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern. We've already notified our caterers."
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?”
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (an American Airlines 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark -- and I didn't land."
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!”
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: “God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771... Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him. Doug asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.
When all is ready, he begins to speak. "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."
"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."
"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."
"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."
The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:
"Mrs Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all
this property.
His wife replies, "The ******* has a paper route"..
Two Irish ladies were digging up potatoes and one held out her hand with two large potatoes .
They looks just like my husbands *****, commented the other.
That big, the first lady asked?
No, that dirty, the second lady said!
03-15-2019, 12:41 AM
(☻Y☻) ST.PATTTY'S WEEKEND FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) March 15th weekend 2019.
government is currently in a bribery scandal with a huge company called SNC Lavalin.......
