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A guy walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, I'd like two shots of whiskey; one for me and one for my best friend."
The bartender says, "Do you want me to wait until he gets here?"
The guy says, "He's here already," and takes a 6-inch tall man from his pocket and sets him on the bar.
The bartender is amazed and asks, "Are you sure he can take a full shot?"
The guy nods so the bartender pours the shots. Sure enough, the little man takes the shot just fine. The bartender says, "That's incredible! What else can he do?"
The guy pulls a coin out of his pocket and flips it down the bar. The little man runs down, picks it up, and carries it back. The bartender is shocked. He asks, "Well, can he talk?"
The guy replies, "Of course he can talk! Hey, Charlie, tell the bartender about that time you called that witch doctor an *******."
A New Metal has been added to Chemistry
Name: Woman
Symbol: Wm
Atomic mass: Light when first found... tends to get heavier with time.
Very harmful to you if she sees you with any element similar to itself!
A long marriage
An old couple is ready to go to sleep. The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.
The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''
The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."
A catholic priest goes on vacation and asks the janitor to run the confessional booth.
J- “ I don’t know how to run the booth though!”
P- “ It is very easy. Just listen to the people’s sins and refer to the chart of sins on the wall. The chart will say how many Hail Marys the sinner must say for it to be forgiven”
The janitor agrees and begins his shift the next day. The first person to walk into the booth is a man.
M- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I have lied to my wife”
The janitor looks at the chart and finds lying
J- “ just say 2 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven”
The next person to walk into the booth is a little boy
LB- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I stole something from the store”
The janitor looks on the chart for stealing and says “ just say 3 Hail Marys and your sin will be forgiven”
The next person to walk into the booth is a woman
W- “ forgive me father for I have sinned as I cheated on my husband and gave another man a blow job”
The janitor looks on the chart for blow job but he can’t find it. The janitor runs out of the booth in a hurry and sprints into the church. In the church he spots an alter boy.
J- “Timmy! Timmy! What does father Nelson usually give for a blow job! ?”
Timmy- “ usually a bag of chips and a can of pop”
A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...
The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".
The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light as a feather."
The second guy says, "Riiiight. And I'm sure you've done this before?"
First guy says, "Sure, all the time. But I can tell you don't believe me. Listen, I'll bet you $1,000 that I can jump off the Empire State Building and survive. But if I do survive, you have to try it next."
The second guy thinks about it for a while and says, "Okay. I'll feel pretty bad when you die, but it's a free country, and I could certainly use $1,000."
After shaking hands on the bet they both leave the bar and head to the top of the Empire State Building. The first guy steps up to the edge like he's done it hundred times and says, "Okay, here I go!"
Believing the first guy would chicken out, and worried the bet has gone a little too far, the second guy lunges towards the first and tries to grab him. But it's too late. He watches the man fall for what seems like forever. Just as he's about to turn his head away from the impending disaster, he notices the first man start to slow down. And if by magic, he sees him gently land on his feet.
The first guy makes his way back up to the top of building and is greeted by the second guy who rushes over to him, hugs him, and says "You're alive! That was amazing! How? What? I can't even."
The first guy says, "See I told you! Now, how about that $1,000? And remember, we agreed that if I survived you would do it next."
The second guy nods his head and happily hands over the $1,000, feeling like it's a small investment for the money he'll make from the same bet with other people.
Moments later he finds himself standing on the edge, and takes the leap.
The first man watches the second falling for what seems like forever, and just then.... SPLAT...
Minutes later the first guy walks back into the same bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender looks up from the glass he's drying and with a stern look on his face says, "You know Superman, you can be a real dick sometimes"
There once was five year old boy who enjoyed playing with his train set. One afternoon, his mother happened to be standing by the door listening to the boy play.
She was shocked when she heard him saying, "All right, all of you son of a bitches who want to get on the train, get on train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all of you son of a bitches who want to change seats, change seats now 'cause the train's getting ready to leave. Whoo whooooo."
The mother was just devastated, so she scolded her son and said to him,
"Now son, I want to go upstairs and take your nap, and when you get up, you can't play with your train set for two hours."
So the boy took his nap and didn't even mention his train set for two hours. After the two hours were up, the boy asked his mom if he could play with his train set again.
She said yes, and asked him if he understood why he was punished. He nodded his head yes, and off he went. The mother stood by door to listen to what her son would say. The boy sat down to his train set and calmly said, "Whoo whoooooo. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get on the train, get on the train. All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off the train, get off the train. And all you son of a bitches who are pissed 'cause the train is two hours late, go talk to the bitch in the kitchen.
My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.
Last time something that big hit the earth, the ******* dinosaurs got wiped out.
My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.
After 1 minute all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.
Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.
A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."
The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of them says, "Wow, you must really love your wife in order to beg like that."
The man replies, "I do, and she will be home any minute!"
Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.
"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?"
"Sure," replies his friend. "But we don't know how the French pray and we can't speak French!"
The first guy thinks for a minute. "I have an idea. We'll pick a guy in front of us, and whatever he does, we'll do."
His friend agrees. They enter the church, sit close to the front, and choose a guy.
Fifteen minutes pass, and their plan is working well. Thirty minutes, no issues.
By the time forty-five minutes pass, they've gotten used to the routine.
Suddenly, while everyone is seated, the priest says something in French and the gentleman they chose stands up. Without thinking, the two Americans stand up as well.
The church bursts into hard laughter. Realizing that no one else is standing up, the two Americans sit down quickly, before deciding to just leave in embarrassment. They wait for the Mass to end, and then approach the priest, who happened to speak English as part of his vocation.
"We're really well-meaning people- we don't speak French and just chose some guy to imitate while praying," one says.
The priest chuckles. "Ah. You're probably wondering why everyone laughed at you."
"Yes," replied the other American. "Well, you see, I announced the Baptism of a child... and asked for the father of the child to stand up."
Did you hear about the dwarf who was pickpocketed?
How could anyone stoop so low??
And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"
John came in fifth and won a blender
If the Klu Klux Klan leaders are wizards, why don't they cast a spell to kill all those that oppose them?
Because they don't have access to black magic.
I'm reading a horror story in braille
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it
A doctor says "The good news is it's all in your head."
"The bad news is it's brain cancer."
I asked my mum, "How much is a couple?"
"2 or 3" she replied.
Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
Jean suspects her husband is gay
She confronts him about it one day and asks him, “Do you even love me?”
“Of course I do! I love you, Jean!”
She starts crying and screams “I KNEW IT! WHO THE **** IS EUGENE?!”
Little Johnny is in English class.
The teacher is teaching and then asks Emily to stand up and state a verb and use it in a sentence.
"Walk!" The teacher says very good, use it in a sentence now.
"I always walk to school in the morning!"
She then asks Adam to stand up and use a word in a sentence.
"Teaching!" The teacher says "great example, now use it in a sentence."
"The teacher is always teaching!" She tells him to sit down and asks Johnny to stand up.
"Urinate!" The teacher uncomfortably asks him to use it in a sentence.
"Urinate, but if you had a bigger butt you'd be a 10."
A cowboy sees a bunch of American Indians…
on the horizon and thinks: ''I'm fucked...'', but a voice in the back of his head says: ''Not so fast! Kill the chief!!!''
''What?! Why?'' - thinks the cowboy.
''Just kill the chief!'' - says the voice.
The cowboy hesitated a bit more and than drew his gun and shot the chief.
As the chief was falling from his horse the voice in the cowboy's head said: ''Now you're fucked...''
Most Precious Element
In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny.
Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."
The teacher said, "Johnny, why silicon?"
"Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars parked outside of our house!!"
A Highway Patrol Officer pulled over a little old lady for going 10mph on the highway.
As he walked up to old lady’s car he noticed there were 3 other elderly folks looking very frightened and rigid.
He leaned down to the old lady’s window and noticed she was as calm as could be.
“Do you know why I pulled you over, ma’am?”
“No I do not,” she replied sweetly.
“You were going 10mph on the highway. That’s a serious hazard for other drivers.” The officer couldn’t help but glance at the three terrified passengers.
The little old lady pointed at the sign nearby. “Isn’t the speed limit 10?”
The officer looked at the sign and laughed. “Ma’am that’s the sign telling you which highway you’re on. Interstate 10.”
The little old lady burst out in a fit of giggles. “Oh I’m sorry!”
The officer decided it was an honest mistake and was going to let her go. But curiosity got the better of him. “Can I ask why your passengers are so scared?”
The little old lady laughed again. “Probably because I just got off Interstate 350.”
A Syrian kid and his refugee family move to France.
On his first day of school his teacher asks him "what is your name?". To which he politely responds, "My name is Abdul and I am from Syria (Middle-East accent)..She abruptly stops him and corrects him.
"No! From now on you are French and your name is Jacque.". He ponders it over and agrees, you're right I am French now and my name is Jacque. Upon arriving home his mother asks him how his first day at school was? He abruptly stops her and tells his mother he is French now and that she needs to call him Jacque. She proceeds to beat the **** out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul. She also tells him to wait and see what his father thinks when he arrives. Upon arrival, and finding out, his father beats the **** out of him and reminds him that he is Syrian and his name is Abdul.
The next day at school, the teacher in shock asks him, "OMG! What happened to your face?!" He responds: "You would not believe it! Less than 2 hours after becoming French, I was brutally attacked by 2 Islamic terrorists!"
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
'Evening gents and ladies! .....
Feeling way better today than the past few.....cold was really knocking me down in the energy dept.....could also be cabin fever after a long depressing winter. Come on SPRING!
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
An old Jewish couple were having an argument......
Sadie, the Wife: "It's Ha-WAI-i!"
Morris, the Husband: "No, it's Ha-VAI-i!"
Both being extremely stubborn and too proud to look it up, they continued on like this on their way to the grocer's. On their way they bumped into a stranger and decided to finish it once and for all.
Morris: "Hello there. Tell me, please. Is it Ha-WAI-i or Ha-VAI-i?"
The stranger: "Ha-VAI-i."
Morris to Sadie: "See, Sadie? Never doubt me."
Morris to stranger: "Thank you very much."
Stranger: "You're velcome."
A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife:
"Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.five minutes later:"Da..aaad"
"What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! Ifyou ask again I'll have to spank you!"
five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"
"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
03-21-2019, 09:48 PM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES MARCH 21st (@Y@)
Inverse for Ozland. 
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