When you click on links to various merchants on this site and make a purchase, this can result in this site earning a commission. Affiliate programs and affiliations include, but are not limited to, the eBay Partner Network.
My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.
It's my way or the Huawei.
A very heavy blond went to the clinic to lose weight.
The doctor told her to eat what she normally ate for three days and then skip a day. He told her she would have lost at least 4 pounds till the next month.
She came back four weeks later, 30 pounds lighter! The doctor looked at her surprised and said "How do you feel now?"
Blonde: "I am so sorry and tired. My muscles ache all over!"
Doctor: "From not eating?"
Blonde: "No from skipping"
What do you call the cleavage between breast implants?
Silicon Valley
Husband arrives home from work to his wife with a broken leg
Hubby: How are you doing??
Wife: Fine. Hey, do me a favour. Go upstairs & get me my slippers. My feet are freezing!
Hubby goes upstairs & sees Wife's hot two sisters lying on the bed.
Hubby: Your sister sent me up to have sex with you girls..
Sisters: Prove it!
Hubby (Shouting): Hey Honey.., both of them ??
Wife: (Shouting back): Of course! What's the point of ******* one???...
My wife of 5 years had put on just a little bit of weight recently and I wanted to encourage her to become fitter. I took up jogging hoping she’d join me on my runs but she didn’t take to it immediately. Nevertheless, I continued doing it every evening and like clockwork, I would run past this extremely attractive hooker on the same street corner that would shout “$100 to make your dreams come true baby..” and I’d shout back “ $10!” without breaking my stride. This went on for a few weeks until one day, my wife decided to give jogging a go and accompanied me for my evening run. Due to my joy of finally getting her to take it up I had completely forgotten about my daily encounters with the prostitute and I started to wonder how I’d explain it all. Sure enough, as we came around the corner, I could see the lady standing in her usual spot. I deliberately avoided making eye contact this time hoping she’d just ignore me too. But just as we approached her, she looked my wife up and down and while laughing hysterically yelled “see what you get for ten dollars!”
The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both traveling in the same plane. Plane comes crashing down. Who survives?
America.
Who is this Rorschach guy?
And why does he always paint my parents fighting?
I had sex with a fat chick last night but I was really nervous...
There was a lot riding on me.
A rookie police officer pulled me over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver's license?
• Me: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
• Me: It's not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Me: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the tool bag?
• Me: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There's drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Me: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. I was then quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached me to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Me: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who's motorcycle is this?
• Me: It's mine, officer. Here's the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there's a gun in it?
• Me: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there's drugs in them.
• Me: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Me: Yeah, I'll bet he told you I was speeding, too.
My wife has worked as a magician’s assistant for years now.
I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom.
She said, “Abracadabra!” and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the **** was going on.
Sherlock is waiting for Watson to come out of the bathroom.
Trying to pass the time, he decides to work out what is taking Watson so long. He makes a list of all the variables, and calculates the probability of each one. Finally, he comes to a conclusion.
"Are you constipated, Watson?"
"No ****, Sherlock!"
The circus arrives in town with a novel act - make the bull elephant kneel down and win $1000.
After watching various people trying everything Jimmy steps up to the elephant and gives it a mighty kick in the *****. The elephant collapses and its owner, cursing Jimmy's foul methods, hands over the cash.
The circus moves on to the next town and Jimmy, recognising a good opportunity, follows along. Once again the good townsfolk are trying to make the elephant kneel and once again Jimmy steps up to deliver the painful blow and claim his reward.
By now the elephant's owner is getting concerned for his elephant's health, so he decides to change the act.
The next day Jimmy turns up but the owner stops him and says that now he has to make the elephant nod its head then shake its head to win the prize.
Jimmy walks up to the elephant and says, "Remember me?"
Elephant nods.
"Want me to do it again?"
Two women had been having a friendly lunch, when the subject turned to sex. “You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems." Linda told her friend. “That’s amazing!” Mary replied. “So have Tom and I."
"We’re thinking of going to a sex therapist." said Linda.
“Oh, we could never do that! We’d be too embarrassed!” responded Mary. “But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?”
Several weeks passed and the two friends met for lunch again.
“So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?” Mary asked.
“Things couldn’t be better!” Linda exclaimed. “We began with a physical exam and afterward, the doctor said he was certain he could help us. He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen donuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude and toss the grapes and donuts at each other. Every a grape went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every donut that I ringed his ***** with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact it’s better than it’s ever been!”
With that endorsement, Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist.
After the physical exams were completed, the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.
“I’m afraid there is nothing I can do for you.” he said.
“But doctor!” Mary complained. “You did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, can’t you give us some help? Any help at all?”
“Well, OK.” the doctor answered. “On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of Cheerios.”
Wendy was dared by her male classmate to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole
She bets him an ice cream that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets ice cream. Upon reaching home, she bragged to her mom, feeling proud about what she did.
“Oh, Wendy. You do know that he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She says, shaking her head in disapproval.
A little wiser she returns to school the next day. This time the boy offers her two ice creams to climb the pole. She thought that it was an easy win for her so once again, she climbed to the top of the flagpole.
Again, after school ended and she returned home she once again bragged her mom who was a little more disturbed than the day before. “But, Wendy. Do you remember what I said last time? He’s just trying to see your underwear.”
Wendy grinned slyly and responded “I know that, that’s why I didn’t wear any underwear today.”
I gave up drinking for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
My old aunts would come and tease me at weddings, “Well Alex? Do you think you’ll be next?”
We’ve settled this quickly once I’ve started doing the same to them at funerals.
Worldwide survey
A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant. And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
My Contribution: So a Penguin takes his car to a shop because he noticed he has a transmission leak. The shop owner greets him and tells him to have a seat it will be about twenty minutes before they can check it out. The Penguin notices an Ice Cream shop across the street and tells the owner he is going to step out and get him some Ice Cream while he waits. On the way back from the Ice Cream Shop, the Penguin notices his car on the lift and it's already been checked out. He waddles in the office where the shop owner is waiting.
The shop owner looks at the Penguin, smiles, and then states " It looks like you have blown a seal" .
The Penguin frantically wipes his beak and explains to the owner "NO No No, I swear, that's just a little Ice Cream"
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
Take Your Kid To Work Day.....
An 8 year old girl went to the office with her father on 'Take your kid to work Day'.
As they walked round the office she started crying and getting cranky.
Her father asked what was wrong.
As the staff gathered round she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?"
There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
Then he muttered a few words in his sleep and found himself divorced!
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half- full...of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it.
Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans...we are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around.
Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves...and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!
Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself...and your chins follow suit.
You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions -- what is life, why am I here...how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?
A golfer and his buddies were playing a big round of golf for $200.
At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.
As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by.
The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and waited for the funeral procession to pass.
After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt, and completed it, thus winning the game and the money.
Afterwards, one of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen.
I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly losing your concentration, to pay your respects."
"Well," said the golfer, "we were married for 25 years."
Real Flight Announcements.....
Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land ... it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry ...Unfortunately none of them are on this flight...!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendants' fault.....it was the asphalt!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
05-30-2019, 09:53 PM
(@Y@) FRIDAY FUNNIES MAY 31st WEEKEND (@Y@)
