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2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) June 7th weekend 2019......
Hey everyone! .....Looks like we're finally getting a taste of summer up in the north country, and it's about time. I was beginning to wonder if we'd get any top down weather this year. We even got a couple of tornadoes touching down last week, unheard of up here. Oh well, might as well have a laugh about it.....so let's have your best for this weekends gigglefest.
=========================== ============================
First a few borrowed gifs from next door........
And a few I've found on line.......
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 06-07-2019 at 01:05 AM.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
A Drunk climbs on a bar stool in a bar and screams, "All lawyers are sneaky thieves."
A man stands up and says, "Hey, I resent that remark."
The drunk shouts back, "Why, are you a lawyer?"
"No," says the man, "I'm a sneaky thief."
If God Had Voice Mail......
Thank you for calling heaven. I am sorry, all of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us and we will answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.If you would like to speak to:God, press 1. Jesus, press 2. The Holy Spirit, press 3.If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.To find a loved one who has been assigned to Heaven, press 5, then enter his or her social security number followed by the pound sign. (If you get a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.)For reservations in heaven, please enter J-O-H-N 3:16For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait until you arrive.If you are calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor.
You may need to lose weight if......
* You dance and it makes the band skips a beat.
* You are diagnosed with the flesh eating virus, and the doctor gives you 22 more years to live.
* You put mayonnaise on an aspirin.
* You go to the zoo and the elephants throw you peanuts.
* Your driver's license says, "Picture continued on other side."
* You ran away and they had to use all four sides of the milk carton for your picture.
* You learn you were born with a silver shovel in your mouth.
* You could sell shade.
* Your blood type is Ragu.
* You need an appointment to attend an 'open house'.
The three wishes...
One day, a man was walking down the street when he saw a genie lamp in a nearby alley. Excitedly, he picked it up and rubbed it. A genie came out and said, "I will grant you three wishes, Master!"
The man was so happy, his first wish was, "I want a billion dollars!!!!!!"
"Your wish has been granted, a billion dollars is now in your bank account."
The man was even happier. "I want a beautiful woman!"
"Your wish has been granted," the genie said and a beautiful woman appeared!
"This is great!" said the man. Not wanting to waste his last wish, he decided to think about it for awhile longer. "I can't think of another wish right now, can I tell you later?"
"Make it so, whenever you say your wish, it will be granted."
The next day, the man was driving down the road, as happy as ever. He heard a popular commercial song on the radio and decided to sing along with it.
"Oooooh, I wish I were an Oscar-Mayer weinerrr......"
Big People Words.....
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.
"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana."
"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo."
She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.
"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the ****."
Five Jewish Men......
Five Jewish men influenced the history of Western civilization.
Moses said the law is everything.
Jesus said love is everything.
Marx said capital is everything.
Freud said sex is everything.
Einstein said everything is relative.
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need youradvice on what could be a crucial decision.I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.It's the usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently - although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the street.
Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just don't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.
I decided I was going to park my boat next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the whole street when she came home.It was at that moment, crouching behind my boat, that I noticed that the lower unit seemed to be leaking a little oil.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?
Worried Sick in Indiana
The lawyer and the car wreck........
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was hopping up and down with rage, complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!" he shrieked.
"You lawyers are so materialistic it's amazing!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh no...." replied the lawyer, looking down and noticing for the first time the bloody stump where his left arm had once been.
"Where's my Rolex???"
You might be a redneck if...
You think cur is a breed of dog.
People hear your car long before they see it.
Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever hitchhiked naked.
You're turned on by a woman who can field dress a deer.
Your wife keeps a can of Vienna sausage in her purse.
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
A few great curmudgeons, on appearance......
A blank, helpless sort of face, rather like a rose just before you drench it with DDT.
- - - John Carey
A four-hundred-dollar suit on him would look like socks on a rooster.
- - - Earl Long
A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
- - - Winston Churchill
At first I thought he was walking a dog. Then I realized it was his date.
- - - Edith Massey in "Polyester"
Don't point that beard at me, it might go off.
- - - Groucho Marx
Had double chins all the way down to his stomach.
- - - Mark Twain
He had a big head and a face so ugly it became almost fascinating.
- - - Ayn Rand
He had a winning smile, but everything else was a loser.
- - - George C. Scott
He makes a very handsome corpse and becomes his coffin prodigiously.
- - - Oliver Goldsmith
He must have had a magnificent build before his stomach went in for a career of its own.
- - - Margaret Halsey
He strains his conversation through a cigar.
- - - Hamilton Mabie
He was either a man of about a hundred and fifty who was rather young for his years, or a man of about a hundred and ten who had been aged by trouble.
- - - -P.G. Wodehouse
He's a trellis for varicose veins.
- - - Wilson Mizner
He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.
- - - Johnny Carson
He's so small, he's a waste of skin.
- - - Fred Allen
He'd make a lovely corpse.
- - - Charles Dickens
Her face was her chaperone.
- - - Rupert Hughes
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
- - - Woody Allen
Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style. It will look ridiculous year after year.
- - - Fred Allen
Her only flair is in her nostrils.
- - - Pauline Kael
Her skin was white as leprosy.
- - - S. T. Coleridge
His face is livid, gaunt his whole body, his breath is green with gall; his tongue drips poison.
- - - John Quincy Adams
His face was filled with broken commandments.
- - - John Masefield
His smile is like the silver plate on a coffin.
- - - John Philpot Curran
His voice was the most obnoxious squeak I ever was tormented with.
- - - Charles Lamb
I don't recognize you - I've changed a lot.
- - - Oscar Wilde
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
- - - Groucho Marx
I see her as one great stampede of lips directed at the nearest derriere.
- - - Noël Coward
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
- - - Dr. Gonzo
It's like cuddling with a Butterball turkey.
- - - Jeff Foxworthy
Nature played a cruel trick on her by giving her a waxed mustache.
- - - Alan Bennett
She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.
- - - Groucho Marx
She had much in common with Hitler, only no mustache.
- - - Noel Coward
She is a peacock in everything but beauty.
- - - Oscar Wilde
She looked as though butter wouldn't melt in her mouth - or anywhere else.
- - - Elsa Lanchester
She not only kept her lovely figure, she's added so much to it.
- - - Bob Fosse
She resembles the Venus de Milo: she is very old, has no teeth, and has white spots on her yellow skin.
- - - Heinrich Heine
She spends her day powdering her face till she looks like a bled pig.
- - - Margot Asquith
She was a large woman who seemed not so much dressed as upholstered.
- - - James Matthew Barrie
She was so ugly she could make a mule back away from an oat bin.
- - - Will Rogers
She was what we used to call a suicide blonde - dyed by her own hand.
- - - Saul Bellow
She wears her clothes as if they were thrown on with a pitchfork.
- - - Jonathan Swift
The tautness of his face sours ripe grapes.
- - - William Shakespeare
When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry - for the clothes.
- - - Josh Billings
While you remain at home your hair is at the hairdresser's; you take out your teeth at night and sleep tucked away in a hundred cosmetics boxes - even your face does not sleep with you.
- - - Martial, 1st Century AD (to a female friend)
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
- - - Mark Twain
Why don't you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.
- - - P. G. Wodehouse
Yeah, she's beautiful, but you can't find her IQ with a flashlight.
- - - from "The Greatest American Hero"
You couldn't tell if she was dressed for an opera or an operation.
- - - Irvin S. Cobb
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of the church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."
Later, the priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all"
With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said, "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do withoutyour hat than burn in hell?"
Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end. Life guard noticed and started blowing his whistle.
I was so scared, I almost fell in.
A Father takes his son Timmy to a baseball game
While watching the game the father orders a beer and gets his son a soda.
Timmy asks "Dad can I have a beer?"
Dad replies "Can your dick reach your *******?"
Timmy replies "no it cannot"
Dad says "then you can't have a beer"
After the game they go to dinner. Dad orders himself a steak and gets Timmy a hotdog.
Timmy asks "Dad can I have steak?"
Dad replies "Can your dick reach your *******?"
Timmy replies "no it cannot"
Dad says "Well then you can't have steak"
On the way home Dad stops at the store and buys some lottery scratch tickets. He gives Timmy one.
Timmy says excitedly "Holy **** Dad I just won $500"
Dad says "That's great son give me the ticket and we can split the prize"
Timmy says "Can your dick reach your *******?"
Dad proudly replies "Why yes son it can"
Timmy says "Good then you can go **** yourself"
A colon can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
Jane ate her friend's lunch.
Jane ate her friend's colon.
A Mexican, a Jewish person, an African and a bigot walk into a bar and find a magic genie.
Genie offers each of them a wish. The Mexican wishes all of his relatives and friends and native Mexican people would see Mexico flourish under a booming economy and the land would be more beautiful than ever and that he was in Mexico with them as they enter a golden age.
The Jewish person says “I wish I was in Israel and that the nation of Israel would be protected from Palestinians and that the Jewish people would live the rest of their time in the promised land”
The African says “I wish the African culture would be free from people exploiting the land and the colonizers pillaging Africa for its rare minerals, that all the wealth would return to Africa, that all the blacks would return to Africa in a land returned to its beauty and that that all the white South African farmers would leave and return our land as well and that we could leave in peace to be left alone to manage our own freedoms.”
The bigot says... so let me get this straight... all the Mexicans are in Mexico, all the Jewish people are in Israel and all the blacks people are in Africa?
The genie says yes, now what’s your wish?
“I’ll have a Diet Coke”
A man and his wife were driving along a road...
The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."
The man speeds up slowly.
The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend and he's a much better lover than you are."
The man speeds up again, subtly.
This time, the wife lists her demands, "I want the house, I want the kids too, I want the car, the chequing account and all the credits cards as well."
The man speeds up one last time.
The wife faces her husband and asks, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The man looks at his wife and says, "I've got everything I need."
The wife looks puzzled and asks him, "What's that?"
The man turns the car, heading towards a pillar with a large grin on his face and replies with, "I've got the airbag."
An African American man is trying to print a color-coded document out at the library, but the default printer only prints in black & white. So he goes to the front desk and asks the librarian: "where can I find the colored printers?"
The librarian responds in disbelief: "Excuse me sir, we live in the 21st century, you are welcome to use any printer you want"
Jared Fogles career started and ended the same way.
Trying to get in to smaller pants.
What snack will you always find at a KKK rally?
Salty Crackers.
Rich people can have 5 cups of wine at lunch and they're all good
But when I get vodka for lunch, I'm "fired" and a "bad example for the students"
Three couples go camping and one couple forgets their tent.
So they decide all the men will sleep in one tent, and the 3 women will sleep in the other.
Franks straight off to sleep, snoring uproariously, keeping the other two awake.
In the middle of the night, John says, "Bob, I can’t sleep. And look at the size of this hard-on I’ve got. It must be all the fresh air. I’m going over to see my wife."
Bob says, "You want me to come with you?"
John says, "Why the hell would I want you to come with me?"
Bob says, "Because that’s my ***** you’re holding."
The Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.
The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.
He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.
Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.
She did as instructed.
He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her toes and cough..??
Finally he said,
"OK, good. You can get dressed now and I will go talk to your Husband."
The Doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the Husband,
"Well Bill, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. Cos, I couldn't get an Erection either."
During class, a teacher trying to
teach good manners, asks
the students: "Students, If you
were on a date, having
supper with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that
you have to go to the bathroom?
Michael?"
Michael: "Just a minute, I have to
go pee."
Teacher: "That would be rude and
impolite!!!
Teacher: "What about you Peter?
How would you say it?"
Peter: "I am sorry, but I really
need to go to the bathroom,
I'll be right back."
Teacher: "That's better, but it's
still not very nice to say
the word bathroom at the dinner
table. And you Little
Johnny, are you able to use your
intelligence for once and
show us your good manners?"
Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling,
may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands
with a very dear friend
of mine, who I hope you'll get to
meet after supper."
I went to the store today to buy a maternity bra for my fiancé.
The assistant asked, "What bust?"
"The damn condom," I replied......
My missus asked me earlier for $10,000 for a gastric band.
I said, "Here's a fiver, get a padlock for the fridge"
As I waited to be taken down to start my prison term, I was allowed a final minute with my wife.
I said "Listen Jo, prison is a horrible place that changes people for the worse, and when I come out I doubt I'll be the same man you know and love. For that reason, I don't expect you to wait for me, so get on with your life and try and meet someone else who can hopefully be a father to our children. Most of all though, just stay strong and be happy."
"Stay strong?" my wife snapped, "You're only doing a week for an unpaid parking ticket!"
I, P. Niss, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge head first into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Sincerely,
P. Niss
The Response:
Dear P. Niss:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.
Sincerely,
V. Gina
On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant, who knows absolutely nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' toyer, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are those?, asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on this god's earth are dey for??" enquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my ***** on when I'm driving," says Tiger.
"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "Mercedes thinks of everything!"
The newlyweds are in bed on the wedding night and just before the nuptials the bride thinks she ought to say something as she was a bit of a lass in her day and worried she is a little 'big' down below.
She says "darling, I think you should know when I was younger I 'caught' myself on a fence...just in case you were wondering why I’m a little 'loose' down below."
He says "that’s fine darling, we're married now in sickness and health"
After the deed is done, the guy says
"Just exactly how far across the field were you before you realized you were caught?"
Fellas, if your bride reveals shaved pubes on your wedding night, it means she's a little kinky and will make the effort to keep your sex life interesting throughout your marriage.
Ladies, if your husband reveals shaved pubes on your wedding night, it means he got crabs from a hooker on his stag night.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
"If you like having sex while listening to music always choose a live album, that way you'll always get an applause."
There was this little Boy about 12 years old, walking down the sidewalk dragging a flattened Frog on a Piece of String behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the Door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the Women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she told him to pick any of the Girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the Girls have any Diseases"..??
Of course the Madam said, “NO”.
He said,
"I heard all the Men talking about having to get Shots after making love with Amber. An THAT'S the Girl I want".
Since the little Boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the Squashed Frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the Frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the Door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only Girl in the place with a Disease, instead of one of the others"..??
He said,
"Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a Restaurant for Dinner, leaving me at home with a Baby-Sitter. After they leave, my Baby-Sitter will have Sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the Baby-Sitter home. On the way, he'll jump the Baby-Sitter's bones, and he'll catch the Disease. Then when Dad gets home from the Baby-Sitters, he and Mom will go to Bed and have Sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the Milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the Disease,
06-07-2019, 01:05 AM
(☻Y☻) FRIDAY FUNNIES! (☻Y☻) June 7th weekend 2019......
.....Looks like we're finally getting a taste of summer up in the north country, and it's about time. I was beginning to wonder if we'd get any top down weather this year. We even got a couple of tornadoes touching down last week, unheard of up here. Oh well, might as well have a laugh about it.....so let's have your best for this weekends gigglefest. 
