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(@[email protected]) FRIDAY FUNNIES JULY 12th (@[email protected])

 
Old 07-11-2019, 10:45 PM
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Hope ya all survived the week of the 4th.... I did without any service up by the Upper eh.

What a day, while watching the weather channel waiting for the Gif's we are getting slammed with weather alerts of impending t- storms. So bad ya cant hear about Barry. And ya wonder why people are getting anxiety attacks......jeez

I know it's hurricane season but I don't remember anything hitting this early.
All of ya'll in La, Tx, Miss and Alabama - besafe.

Stay dry all - including the people in the NE, it's got to stop soon.

Thanks for the postings - keep the coming Let's see ho0w we do this week

and with that here are the GIF's from friend William
















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Old 07-11-2019, 10:59 PM
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With all the special interest groups these days, it's good to see someone courting the Scottish vote! Kilts on before you start to watch. Kermie, ya really need to learn how to play the bag





Good News--Bad News

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Claddaghduff, Ireland man answered his door to find two grim-faced Constables.

"We're sorry, Mr. O' Flynn, but we have some information about your dear wife, Maureen" said one of the officers.

"Tell me!? Did you find her?" Michael Patrick O'Flynn asked.

The constables looked at each other and one said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.? Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. O' Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."

The constable said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but early this morning we found your poor wife's body in the bay"

"Lord sufferin' Jesus and Holy Mother of God!" exclaimed O' Flynn.? Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The constable continued, "When we pulled the late, departed poor Maureen up, she had 12 of the best-looking Atlantic lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.?

Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. O' Flynn demanded, "Glory be to God, if that's the good news, then what's the really great news?"

The constable replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."






Some say this should be required reading for every man, woman and child ...


By Robert A. Hall

I'm 77

Except for one semester in college when jobs were scarce and a
six-month period when I was between jobs, but
job-hunting every day, I've worked,
hard, since I was 18.
Despite some health challenges, I still put in
50-hour weeks, and haven't called in sick in
seven or eight years. I make a good salary, but
I didn't inherit my job or my income, and I
worked to get where I am. Given the economy,
there's no retirement in sight, and I'm tired.
Very tired.


I'm tired of being told
that I have to "spread the wealth" to people who
don't have my work ethic. I'm tired of being
told the government will take the money I
earned, by force if necessary, and give it to
people too lazy to earn it.


I'm tired of being told
that Islam is a "Religion of Peace," when every
day I can read dozens of stories of Muslim men
killing their sisters, wives and daughters for
their family "honor"; of Muslims rioting over
some slight offense; of Muslims murdering
Christian and Jews because they aren't
"believers;" of Muslims burning schools for
girls; of Muslims stoning teenage rape victims
to death for "adultery;" of Muslims mutilating
the genitals of little girls; all in the name of
Allah, because the Qur'an and Sharia law tells them to.

I'm tired of being told
that, out of "tolerance for other cultures," we
must let Saudi Arabia use our oil money to fund
mosques and madrassa Islamic schools to preach
hate in America and Canada, while no American
nor Canadian group is allowed to fund a church,
synagogue or religious school in Saudi Arabia to
teach love and tolerance..

I'm tired of being told I
must lower my living standard to fight global
warming, which no one is allowed to debate.

I'm tired of being told
That drug addicts have a disease, and I must
help support and treat them, and pay for the
damage they do. Did a giant germ rush out of a
dark alley, grab them, and stuff white powder up
their noses while they tried to fight it off?

I'm tired of hearing
wealthy athletes, entertainers and politicians
of both parties talking about innocent mistakes,
stupid mistakes or youthful mistakes, when we
All know they think their only mistake was
getting caught. I'm tired of people with a sense
Of entitlement, rich or poor.

I'm real tired of people who
don't take responsibility for their lives and
actions. I'm tired of hearing them blame the
government, or discrimination or big-whatever
for their problems.

Yes, I'm damn tired . But I'm also glad to
be 73.. Because, mostly, I'm not going to have
to see the world these people are making. I'm
just sorry for my granddaughters and grandsons.

Robert A. Hall is a Marine Vietnam veteran who served
five terms in the Massachusetts State Senate.

There is no way this will be widely publicized, unless each of us sends it on!






Where not to keep your mobile phones
Woman sues Samsung for $1.8M after cell phone gets stuck inside her vagina


An Albuquerque woman is suing Samsung for $1.8 million after she needed medical attention after inserting her cell phone inside her vagina and was unable to retrieve it for 96 hours.

Salma Briant, 39, claims her medical bills at the University of New Mexico Hospital amount to $1,168,000 and that she has suffered from severe psychological distress because of the whole ordeal. Briant said she first inserted the cell phone inside her vagina as a dare from one of her friends, but quickly realized that the phone would not come out.

Attorney Jim McAfee’s claims his client was forced to undergo a cesarean section to remove the cell phone because of the atypical shape of her pelvis and had no insurance at the time.

A Samsung spokesman said they would not comment on this case at this moment, but explained that an out-of-court settlement was still an option on the table.

“I wanted to see how it would feel to put my cell phone on vibration mode inside of me, just for fun, but it soon turned out to be a nightmare,” she told judge Andrew Peterson in tears. “Samsung is definitely at fault here as they offer no warning about the dangers and potential risks during the insertion of their products inside their clients male or female body cavities or genitals” Salma Briant’s lawyer, Jim McAfee said in court.

Remember: They walk among us, procreate & they vote!!!





A daughter and her father
A man was telling his buddy: "You won't believe what happened last night.My daughter walked into the living room and said: Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out, throw all my clothes out the window, take my TV and my laptop.Please take any of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my car, take my front door key away, and throw me out of the house.Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to any charity you choose."

"Holy Smokes," replied the friend, " - she actually said that?"

"
Well, ,,,,,,she didn't put it quite like that. She actually said : "Dad, meet my new boyfriend Mohammed. We're going to work together on Elizabeth Warren’s Presidential Campaign."





The Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's will.

At the Baptist Church, the squirrels had taken an interest in the Baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and, unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week.

The Lutheran Church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist Church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide.

The Catholic Church came up with a very creative strategy. They baptized all the squirrels and now they only see them at Christmas and Easter.

Not much was heard from the Jewish Synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.





HOW CHILDREN PERCEIVE THEIR GRANDPARENTS...
1 She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I'll probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye.

2 My young grandson called the other day to wish me happy birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 80. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"

3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,

"Who was THAT?"

4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods."

The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"

5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo and I said, "No, how are we alike?'' "You're both real old," he replied.

6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word processor. She told him she was writing a story.

"What's it about?" he asked.

"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."

7. I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and she was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try figuring out some of this stuff for yourself!"

8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."

9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "Mine says I'm 4 to 6."

10.. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting." she said, warily. "How do you make babies?"

"It's easy," replied the girl. "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."

11. "Give me a sentence about a public servant," instructed the teacher during a lesson. One small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't you know what pregnant means?" she asked.

"Sure," said the young boy confidently. 'It means carrying a child."

12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog

The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," offered one child.

"No," said another, "he's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. "Oh," he said, "she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we're done having her visit, we take her back to the airport."

14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don't get to see him enough to get as smart as him!

15. My Grandparents are funny. When they bend over, you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.





A Golfer walks into the new Government National Golf Course pro shop and asks the golf pro if they sell ball markers.

The golf pro says that they do, and they are $1.00.

The golfer gives the golf pro a dollar.

The golf pro opens the register, puts the dollar in, and hands the player a dime to use as a marker.

This economic model is part of Bernie Sanders 90% tax plan to restore the US economy. Please make sure all golfers are aware.

If anyone needs any ball markers I have plenty of them!!!






South African Wine Label

Interesting Presentation!





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Old 07-11-2019, 11:01 PM
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Old 07-11-2019, 11:03 PM
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Some "old" advertisements you wouldn't see today …..

































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Old 07-11-2019, 11:04 PM
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Old 07-11-2019, 11:10 PM
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Old 07-11-2019, 11:24 PM
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Old 07-11-2019, 11:40 PM
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Old 07-12-2019, 01:25 AM
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from our buddy Sammy K.........

Subject: Men are Happier People

This needs no explanation - and is a fun read, no matter your gender.


Men Are Just Happier People.





What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.


Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks.





A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.





You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes. No wonder men are happier.





NICKNAMES


If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.


If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Bubba and Wildman.





EATING OUT


When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.


When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.





MONEY


A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.


A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.





BATHROOMS


A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.


The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.





ARGUMENTS


A woman has the last word in any argument.


Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.





FUTURE


A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.


A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.





MARRIAGE


A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.


A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.





DRESSING UP


A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.


A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.





NATURAL


Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.


Women somehow deteriorate during the night.





OFFSPRING


Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.


A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.





THOUGHT FOR THE DAY





A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!








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Old 07-12-2019, 01:39 AM
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Old 07-12-2019, 10:00 AM
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Old 07-12-2019, 10:45 AM
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Old 07-12-2019, 12:10 PM
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Old 07-12-2019, 02:07 PM
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A mother and father take their 6-year old son to a family nude beach...

As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have ***** bigger than his mother's, so he goes back to ask her why.

She tells her son, 'The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is.'

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, 'The bigger they are, the dumber the man is'

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns and promptly tells his mother:

'Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.




A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman"

She started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need was in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blonde teenager came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, she replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

“And, by the way," the teenager added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."




Son: "Daddy, I have to write a special report for school, but I don't know what Politics is."
Father: "Well, let's take our home as an example. I am the bread-winner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mum is the administrator of money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of your need, so let's call you The People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your brother we can call The Future. Do you understand son?"
Son: "I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it.
"That night awakened by his brother's crying, the boy went to see what was wrong. Discovering that the baby had seriously soiled his diaper, the boy went to his parents' room and found his mother sound asleep. He went to the maid's room, where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid. The boy's knocking went totally unheeded by his father and the maid, so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning he reported to his father.
Son: "Dad, now I think I understand what Politics is."
Father: "Good son! Can you explain it to me in your own words?"Son: "Well Dad, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the Future is full of ****."


Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra fun."
So they went back to her place and got comfortable.
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my ***** in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay."
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the better sex yet. You'll have to......."
"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n ***** again. No problem hun."
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, does 'oldin yer ***** in one hand and yer willie in the other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"
Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I slept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet.




Went to Richmond yesterday and got bored Shopping with my Wife,

She felt sorry for me. She gave me a £5 and told me to go for a Pint and meet her at the Bus Stop in an hour.

I had a wander around but somehow found myself in the Red-Light District.

Simply being curious I asked one of the girls "How Much"..???

The girl replies, "Forty for all the way, twenty for Oral or a Tenner for A Manual."

I told her I only had £5.

She said, “Sorry, but you won't get much for a Fiver."

So I shrugged my shoulders and continued to wander. I found a Pub, and. then went to meet my Wife.

While we were sitting together waiting for the Bus, the same working girl I spoke to earlier passes by on the other side of the road and recognized me.

She shouts over to me..

"See, I told ya, you wouldn't get much for a Fiver"..




A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."


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Old 07-12-2019, 10:23 PM
  #16  
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'Evening everyone!
Found a few movin pictures for y'all to smile at....
I hope all you southerners are safe after the storm and all that rain.



Ford folding.......
































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Old 07-12-2019, 10:50 PM
  #17  
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A man charged with assault and battery insisted at his trial that he had just pushed his victim "a little bit".

When he was pressured by the prosecutor to illustrate just how hard, the defendant approached the lawyer, slapped him in the face, grabbed him firmly by the lapels and flung him over the table.
He then faced judge and jury and calmly declared, "I would say it was about one-tenth that hard."



A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"



A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.

They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME. They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.

Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat. At the counter, the man said to the waitress: "My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."



Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom.



A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

“No problem,” he says to himself, “I still have my emergency chute.” So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens.

Now the man begins to panic. “What am I going to do?” he thinks, “I'm a goner!”

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, “Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for.”

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, “Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?”

The other man replies, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”



Lewis Black: Absolute Faith.....
You cant deny the faith of these people that we fight: its absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, theyll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I havent met one on earth.





















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Old 07-13-2019, 01:09 AM
  #18  
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what were they thinking …..














































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Old 07-13-2019, 02:34 PM
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Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that reads: "Cow For Sale -- $5,000."
He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth $5,000."
The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail and Harry sees that the cow has a ****** just like a woman.
Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow that has a ****** like a woman and it's worth $5,000, and here I am, with you, with a ****** like a cow, and you're not worth sh*t."






What's the difference between a duck and George Washington?
One has a bill on their face and the other has their face on a bill.






Skydiving

Ole was to learn skydiving. He was told that shortly after jumping out of the plane he was to pull the short rip cord and that will open a small parachute which will open the large chute and if by chance the large chute fails to open, he should pull the other cord which will open the large parachute. He was told that a car will be on the ground to take him back to the airport.

Ole jumps out of the plane and proceeds to pull the first cord. The small chute doesn't open so he pulls the last cord and the large parachute doesn't open either. Ole thinks to himself, "It will be just my luck that the car won't be there either"





Shark!

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat.
As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh God! Save me!"
In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"
Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?"
The Lord replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again.
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back.
Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Lord for this food which I am about to receive..."
























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Old 07-13-2019, 08:06 PM
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Hey Mike!.....not bagpipes but you'll all get a kick out of this shanty.....

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