Kerrmudgeon

Good evening or good morning depending on when you're tuning in.
Still pretty cool, with the odd snow shower but not bad considering. ...
Let's see what funny stuff we ALL can find for this weekend. All you lookie-loos who check the thread every week might consider adding to it as well.
__________________________________ ________________________________ ____________

First as usual from Billy next door.......
























An older man walks into Murphy's Pub with three women and announces, "I'll give any man a sovereign to marry my 20 year old daughter, I'll give you ten sovereigns to marry my 30 year old daughter, and to marry my 40 year old daughter, I'll give you a hundred sovereigns!"
At first there was nothing but silence, until a voice from the back of the room said, "Have you got a daughter about 80?"



Tammy and Ann were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, Tammy said, "Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then ?" said Ann.

"Oh ! Not yet." Tammy replied, "I'd like to lose at least another ten to fifteen pounds first."



After a Beer Festival in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
Corona's president sits down and says, "Señor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender takes a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
Then Budweiser's president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world,give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
Coors' president says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, the only one made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?"
The Guinness president replies, "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."



One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."

Kerrmudgeon

A couple form Sammy K, fellow

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.


He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot...'


The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'


Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.


There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:


One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.


The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'


The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'


To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'




LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)


Little RALPHY returns from school and says, “I got an F in arithmetic”.


'Why?' asks the father?


'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.


'But that's right!' says his dad.


'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''


'What's the ******' difference?' asks the father.


'That's just what I said, too!'




LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'


RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate.'


Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful..'


Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blow-job.'




LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR


Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.
All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.
He yelled out, 'Miss Jones, I need to take a ****!'


The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.
The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'
Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.'


Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, 'You're an eight, but, if
you had bigger ****, you'd be a TEN!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.


First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it..'


'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.


'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'


She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.


'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just ******' beautiful!''


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat..'


Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old..'


The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own ******' business.


Don’t you just Love Little RALPHY?





A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is."

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?


Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."



The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."


Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the ***** to pull the trigger."

You gotta love lawyers!!

Kerrmudgeon

The immortal Billy Connoly........:

Kerrmudgeon

A woman phones up her husband at work for a chat.

HIM "I'm sorry dear but I'm up to my neck in work today."

HER "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you dear."

HIM "OK darling, but as I've got no time now, just give me the good news."

HER "Well, the air bag works."



Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"



One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."
"Three?"
"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what youare about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary..."
"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"
The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.
Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"
"Well it....no, not really..."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"
The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.



A woman answered her front door and found Little Johnny and Billy holding a list.

"Lady," Johnny explained, "we are on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"

"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."



Nine year old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned at Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt.
"When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely.
"Then he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no. But if I told it the way the teacher did, you'd never believe it!"

Kerrmudgeon

Gotta feel sorry for that thar camel........

roadster65

Nice Avatar, Robbie ......

Roger Walling

Ma comes marching into the kitchen and hollers, "Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it."

Pa moseys out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix."

Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the seat!"

Ma replies, "Hurts, don't it?!"

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers."

The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers."
>The Soviet general sends one hundred Soviet soldiers. There is more gunfire and then silence. The voice speaks up again and says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one thousand Soviet soldiers."

The Soviet general then sends one thousand Soviet soldiers. There is a lot of gunfire and then silence. After awhile a Soviet soldier crawls over the hill and say to the general, "do not send more troops, it's a trap, there are two Finnish soldiers."

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is 60 years old, has six grown children and nine grandchildren - and you tell her she's pregnant?”

The doctor continues to write his notes and without looking up at his colleague says, “tell me, does she still have the hiccups?”

It's my cake day today, so I'll give you one of my favourite jokes since 15+ years ago.

There is a factory that makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Lena .

“I’m sorry,” he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.”

“Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.”

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was
precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

.

1965markaccount

https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net...dd&oe=60698838

JF in MI

JF in MI

There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun, the Moon, and the Truth.
The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:

SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex.
However, after sex, they always dress on their own.
Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congratulations."
But none go up to the man, touch his ***** and say, "Good Job."
Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.

FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:
1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the *******'s name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.
5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

BONUS RULES:
1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.
2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and one in prison.
This was a public service announcement. No need to thank me.

JF in MI

Kerrmudgeon

Let me post that up for you Mark.......

Kerrmudgeon

Good turnout so far so keep it up. Nice to see unfamiliar names among the posters.

Here's a few pics gathering dust in my temp file........

Strangest things that have happened to people while doing "the deed" ........

Kerrmudgeon

A few more pix I collected for today...........
















And while this isn't really funny, I just wanted to post it because..........SICK!

warrenmj

63 340HP

roadster65

Kerrmudgeon

Is it just me or does Danial Craig look ancient in this picture? No wonder he insisted on this 007 movie being his last!

Kerrmudgeon

Days of Black and White

"Good night and God bless..."

Go all the way to the bottom past the pictures. I think you'll enjoy it.
Whoever wrote this must have been our next door
neighbor because it totally described our childhood to a 'T'. Hope you enjoy it.



















Black and White
(Under age 40? You won't understand.)





You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.


My Mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach,
but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag,
not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting E.coli.


Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring),
no beach closures then.


We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training
athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors.
I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah ... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites and when we got hurt, Mum pulled out the
48 cent bottle of mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.


Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics and then Mum calls
the Attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.
To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We never needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?

LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA.
AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED.
I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!


Thanks to Sammy K, for the late night entry.

roadster65