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Good evening and good morning everyone!
It's getting cooler at night up north, a welcome change from the hot summer we've had. Let's see if we can get a lot more participation this weekend and some great content. Once again I'll say no politics......those posts will be deleted by the mods. Lots of other funny stuff out there.....
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Eye catchers from next door.......
and a few I found on the interwebs......
Bill and Moe had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.
Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, the business failed, and personal debts forced both into bankruptcy. Bill and Moe blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.
Five years later, Bill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was discreetly wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Bill looked up and gasped.
"Moe!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working in a place as bad as this."
"Yeah," Moe said with a smirk. "But at least I don't eat here."
A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
Expert Advice
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
Getting Fit.......
When I moved out to LA they told me I had to work out. I was like, I dont wanna do that. They gave me this trainer, and the dude was like... The most important thing is, you cant eat late at night or youll get fat. And Im like, Forget that, you supposed to eat late at night. He was like, No you not. Im like, Well, why they put a light in the refrigerator?
A note from mom...
John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."
A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".
A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started blowing into her tailpipe.
Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked,
"What are you doing?" The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
THE ROOMMATE ROLLED HER EYES & SAID, "UH, LIKE HELLO! YOU NEED TO ROLL UP THE WINDOWS FIRST."
The doc told a guy that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it," He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it before he got home to his wife. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to play with his unit. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to the big finish, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." The cop replied, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished but amazingly neither of them was hurt.
After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; “Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, “I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!”
The woman continued, “And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of whiskey didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this whiskey and celebrate our good fortune.” Then she hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, “Aren't you having any?”
She replies, “Nah. I think I'll just wait for the police.”
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
And a few quickie hardee hars for y'all since I can't sleep!!!
A woman goes in the pharmacy, “Please help. My husband demands it all day long. It’s just too much! Do you have something to calm down his passion?!”
The lady behind the counter smiles, “Here, that’s my phone number.”
I left the hospital absolutely shattered. Pulling the plug on my aunt who lived with us for the past 15 years was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I had to wrestle the wife, two doctors, a nurse, and a security guy.
“Whose ugly child is that?!”
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“Excuse me?! That’s my daughter!”
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“Oh, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know you were the father.”
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“You what?! I am her mother!!”
8 rolls of toilet paper for 4,99: My purse is bleeding. ......12 rolls of Toilet paper for 1,99: My butt is bleeding!!
I took my mother-in-law out yesterday morning.
Being a sniper is awesome......
I’ve had some problems lately, so I decided to turn to alternative treatments. I’m pinning my hopes on that Asian thing, you know, with the needles?
I think it's called heroin.
An old couple celebrates their 50th anniversary in a restaurant. They have soup as a starter.
Suddenly the woman sighs, “You know, just thinking of our marriage is giving me this warm, cozy feeling around my heart.”
The man observes drily, “No wonder dear. Your left breast sagged into the soup.”
Teacher says: “With 8 billion people on Earth, that also means a lot of people die every minute. People are dying as we speak, with every breath I take.”
Little Johnny suggests: “Maybe you should try some mouthwash.“
Attorney: “Why didn’t you help when your wife was being attacked and beaten by your neighbor?”
Defendant: “Well – it seemed to me he was doing just fine on his own!”
Working in a bank is a very ungrateful job. A lady asks me to check her balance – so I push her over, they fire me.
KID : Dad, what do condoms do?
DAD : Son, they prevent questions just like that one.
Why is the Great Wall of China considered one of the seven wonders of the world?
Because it's the longest lasting Chinese product EVER!
During World War II, my grandpa single-handedly killed 30 German pilots.
He was the crappiest mechanic the Luftwaffe ever hired. .....
During a church service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Karen stood and walked to the podium. She said, “Two months ago, my husband, Randy, had a terrible bicycle accident and his ******* was crushed.”
There was a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation.
“Randy was unable to hold me or the grandchildren,” she went on, “and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and they were able to reconstruct the crushed remnants of Randy’s *******, using wire to reinforce and shape it.”
The men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably.
“Now,” she announced in a quivering voice, “thank the Lord, Randy is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his ******* should recover completely.” All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and asked if anyone else had something to say.
I stood up and walked slowly to the podium and said, “I’m Randy.”
The entire congregation held its breath.
“I just want to tell my dear wife the word is sternum.”
2020 Corvette of the Year Finalist (appearance mods)
C1 of Year Finalist (appearance mods) 2019
billy bob gets pulled over by a state trooper. trooper asks him " got any I.D.? " billy bob replies " bout whut ? "
A friend told the blonde, "Christmas is on a Friday this year...."
The blonde then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
Two blondes find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a
police station.
One asked, "What if one explodes before we get there?"
The other says, "We'll lie and say we only found two."
A blonde was driving home, drunk as a skunk.
Suddenly she has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls her over, so she tells the cop about all the trees in the
road.
The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"
Three young ladies we're in the maternity ward together ,one red head,one brunette and a blond .
The discussion turned to the sex of the babies .The red head said she was laying on her back when she conceived so she knew it would be a boy .The brunette said she was on top when she conceived so it would be a girl .The blond began to cry hysterically ,the other two ladies got her to stop long enough to ask what the problem was ---her reply was "I'm going to have a puppy "
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather
and his badly behaved 3 year-old grandson.
It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with
the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie
aisle and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles. Meanwhile,
Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy
William, we won't be long . . . easy, boy."
Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly
say, "It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of
here. Hang in there, boy"
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing
items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice,
"William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five
minutes, stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the
grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to
the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there.
I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and
no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying
'things would be okay.' William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."
"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm William. The
little ****'s name is Kevin."
A blonde phones the fire dept. and says " help ! you've got to come right away my house is on fire ! " fireman says " yes ma'am, how do we get there ? " blonde replies " duh ! in your big red truck ! "
Last edited by Kerrmudgeon; 09-12-2021 at 02:36 PM.
09-10-2021, 01:26 AM
♦♦♦♦ FRIDAY FUNNIES! ♦♦♦♦ Sept.10th weekend 2021......
....Sammy K.....
