My C6 dead battery and keyfob rant
03-17-2013, 06:36 PM
#1
Successful Plumber
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St. Jude Donor '06-'07-'08-'09-'10
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My C6 dead battery and keyfob rant
I would like to punch the bozo at GM who thought that the keyless entry/start system on a C6 Corvette was a good idea. My 6 year-old battery died. It was time. Car was in the garage. In all fairness - I do need to clean out the garage but still ...
For those who don't have a C6 - the full procedure for checking and replacing the battery isn't in the owner's manual - it is as follows:
If the battery is completely dead and you cannot enter the vehicle using the electronic touch keypad, simply pop open the key fob to reveal the actual key they should just give you to start the car, but they don't, because it's not as cool as a touch sensitive electronic keypad button. Locate the backup key hole GM hid by the license plate light (because it's not as cool as the electronic button.) The hatch will pop open.
On the driver's side of the cargo area is a handle on a cheap piece of wire. This is there because door handles are not as cool as a hidden electronic touchpad. Pull the handle to pop the door. Car should have just enough charge to set off the alarm.
Pop the hood. Set up the battery charger. At this point you may wonder why you park the car so close to the garage work bench. Especially a car with a hood that opens backwards. And has the battery on the passenger side. Crawl over the front bumper and stand on the lawnmower to reach the battery. Hook up the charger. That may again set off the alarm. Be aware - the alarm is damn loud in the garage, under the hood.
Wait three hours. Discover the trunk lid wasn't shut completely. Note - the dome light may drain the battery as fast as it can charge.
Slam trunk this time. Trapped air pressure in the cabin is not a problem because the window indexes and doesn't have enough juice to roll back up.
Wait three more hours. Check again. Discover that slamming trunk dislodges the charger's clamp from the positive terminal post. Reset. Wait three more hours.
Check the meter on the charger. Discover the battery is as dead as Grover Cleveland. Get in the car and press the button anyway. Click. Click. Click. Note that if you hear a clicking noise it means the car doesn't have enough charge to operate the automatic electronic door locks. DO NOT PANIC. Even if claustrophobia sets in. There is a handle on the floorboard beside the door. Pulling the handle opens the door. It is there because it isn't as cool as the electronic button.
Standing on the lawnmower, remove the positive and negative cables and the battery retention bolt. Don't worry - it's small and fairly light for a car battery. That's why the $%^#ing things go dead all the time.
Go to the parts store. They don't stock Corvette batteries but can order one. Go to another one. Work with the store manager to teach the new counterman how to use the store's electronic point of sale system. They have this because it's way cooler than an old fashioned cash register.
To replace the battery, simply reverse the procedure.
When the car starts don't forget to re-index the windows, reset the clock, all the radio stations, memory seats and the rear view mirrors.
Enjoy driving your C6 - especially the HID headlights which come in handy because you spent the entire day trying to replace a battery.
For those who don't have a C6 - the full procedure for checking and replacing the battery isn't in the owner's manual - it is as follows:
If the battery is completely dead and you cannot enter the vehicle using the electronic touch keypad, simply pop open the key fob to reveal the actual key they should just give you to start the car, but they don't, because it's not as cool as a touch sensitive electronic keypad button. Locate the backup key hole GM hid by the license plate light (because it's not as cool as the electronic button.) The hatch will pop open.
On the driver's side of the cargo area is a handle on a cheap piece of wire. This is there because door handles are not as cool as a hidden electronic touchpad. Pull the handle to pop the door. Car should have just enough charge to set off the alarm.
Pop the hood. Set up the battery charger. At this point you may wonder why you park the car so close to the garage work bench. Especially a car with a hood that opens backwards. And has the battery on the passenger side. Crawl over the front bumper and stand on the lawnmower to reach the battery. Hook up the charger. That may again set off the alarm. Be aware - the alarm is damn loud in the garage, under the hood.
Wait three hours. Discover the trunk lid wasn't shut completely. Note - the dome light may drain the battery as fast as it can charge.
Slam trunk this time. Trapped air pressure in the cabin is not a problem because the window indexes and doesn't have enough juice to roll back up.
Wait three more hours. Check again. Discover that slamming trunk dislodges the charger's clamp from the positive terminal post. Reset. Wait three more hours.
Check the meter on the charger. Discover the battery is as dead as Grover Cleveland. Get in the car and press the button anyway. Click. Click. Click. Note that if you hear a clicking noise it means the car doesn't have enough charge to operate the automatic electronic door locks. DO NOT PANIC. Even if claustrophobia sets in. There is a handle on the floorboard beside the door. Pulling the handle opens the door. It is there because it isn't as cool as the electronic button.
Standing on the lawnmower, remove the positive and negative cables and the battery retention bolt. Don't worry - it's small and fairly light for a car battery. That's why the $%^#ing things go dead all the time.
Go to the parts store. They don't stock Corvette batteries but can order one. Go to another one. Work with the store manager to teach the new counterman how to use the store's electronic point of sale system. They have this because it's way cooler than an old fashioned cash register.
To replace the battery, simply reverse the procedure.
When the car starts don't forget to re-index the windows, reset the clock, all the radio stations, memory seats and the rear view mirrors.
Enjoy driving your C6 - especially the HID headlights which come in handy because you spent the entire day trying to replace a battery.
Last edited by BuckyThreadkiller; 03-17-2013 at 07:11 PM.
03-17-2013, 06:58 PM
#3
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I would like to punch the bozo at GM who thought that the keyless entry/start system on a C6 Corvette was a good idea. My 6 year-old battery died. It was time. Car was in the garage. In all fairness - I do need to clean out the garage but still ...
For those who don't have a C6 - the full procedure for checking and replacing the battery isn't in the owner's manual - it is as follows:
If the battery is completely dead and you cannot enter the vehicle using the electronic touch keypad, simply pop open the key fob to reveal the actual key they should just give you to start the car, but they don't, because it's not as cool as a touch sensitive electronic keypad button. Locate the backup key hole GM hid by the license plate light (because it's not as cool as the electronic button.) The hatch will pop open.
On the driver's side of the cargo area is a handle on a cheap piece of wire. This is there because door handles are not as cool as a hidden electronic touchpad. Pull the handle to pop the door. Car should have just enough charge to set off the alarm.
Pop the hood. Set up the battery charger. At this point you may wonder why you park the car so close to the garage work bench. Especially a car with a hood that opens backwards. And has the battery on the passenger side. Crawl over the front bumper and stand on the lawnmower to reach the battery. Hook up the charger. That may again set off the alarm. Be aware - the alarm is damn loud in the garage, under the hood.
Wait three hours. Discover the trunk lid wasn't shut completely. Note - the dome light may drain the battery as fast as it can charge.
Slam trunk this time. Trapped air pressure in the cabin is not a problem because the window indexes and doesn't have enough juice to roll back up.
Wait three more hours. Check again. Discover that slamming trunk dislodges the charger's clamp from the positive terminal post. Reset. Wait three more hours.
Check the meter on the charger. Discover the battery is as dead as Grover Cleveland. Get in the car and press the button anyway. Click. Click. Click. Note that if you hear a clicking noise it means the car doesn't have enough charge to operate the automatic electronic door locks. DO NOT PANIC. Even if claustrophobia sets in. There is a handle on the floorboard beside the door. Pulling the handle opens the door. It is there because it isn't as cool as the electronic button.
Standing on the lawnmower, remove the positive and negative cables and the battery retention bolt. Don't worry - it's small and fairly light for a car battery. That's why the $%^#ing things go dead all the time.
Go to the parts store. They don't stock Corvette batteries but can order one. Go to another one. Work with the store manager to teach the new counterman how to use the store's electronic point of sale system. They have this because it's way cooler than an old fashioned cash register.
To replace the battery, simply reverse the procedure.
When the car starts don't forget to re-index the windows, reset the clock, all the radio stations, memory seats and the rear view mirrors.
Enjoy driving your C6 - especially the HID headlights which come in handy because you spent the entire day trying to replace a battery.
For those who don't have a C6 - the full procedure for checking and replacing the battery isn't in the owner's manual - it is as follows:
If the battery is completely dead and you cannot enter the vehicle using the electronic touch keypad, simply pop open the key fob to reveal the actual key they should just give you to start the car, but they don't, because it's not as cool as a touch sensitive electronic keypad button. Locate the backup key hole GM hid by the license plate light (because it's not as cool as the electronic button.) The hatch will pop open.
On the driver's side of the cargo area is a handle on a cheap piece of wire. This is there because door handles are not as cool as a hidden electronic touchpad. Pull the handle to pop the door. Car should have just enough charge to set off the alarm.
Pop the hood. Set up the battery charger. At this point you may wonder why you park the car so close to the garage work bench. Especially a car with a hood that opens backwards. And has the battery on the passenger side. Crawl over the front bumper and stand on the lawnmower to reach the battery. Hook up the charger. That may again set off the alarm. Be aware - the alarm is damn loud in the garage, under the hood.
Wait three hours. Discover the trunk lid wasn't shut completely. Note - the dome light may drain the battery as fast as it can charge.
Slam trunk this time. Trapped air pressure in the cabin is not a problem because the window indexes and doesn't have enough juice to roll back up.
Wait three more hours. Check again. Discover that slamming trunk dislodges the charger's clamp from the positive terminal post. Reset. Wait three more hours.
Check the meter on the charger. Discover the battery is as dead as Grover Cleveland. Get in the car and press the button anyway. Click. Click. Click. Note that if you hear a clicking noise it means the car doesn't have enough charge to operate the automatic electronic door locks. DO NOT PANIC. Even if claustrophobia sets in. There is a handle on the floorboard beside the door. Pulling the handle opens the door. It is there because it isn't as cool as the electronic button.
Standing on the lawnmower, remove the positive and negative cables and the battery retention bolt. Don't worry - it's small and fairly light for a car battery. That's why the $%^#ing things go dead all the time.
Go to the parts store. They don't stock Corvette batteries but can order one. Go to another one. Work with the store manager to teach the new counterman how to use the store's electronic point of sale system. They have this because it's way cooler than an old fashioned cash register.
To replace the battery, simply reverse the procedure.
When the car starts don't forget to re-index the windows, reset the clock, all the radio stations, memory seats and the rear view mirrors.
Enjoy driving your C6 - especially the HID headlights which come in handy because you spent the entire day trying to replace a battery.
03-17-2013, 07:14 PM
#5
Team Owner
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St. Jude Donor '15
"In honor of jpee"
Comedy writing is your friend. So is "preventive maintenance" since you know it was time for the batt. to go. 
03-17-2013, 07:19 PM
#7
The Internet...it doesn't make you stupid, it just makes your stupidity more accessible to others...
Seriously though, the story was hilarious and the self deprecating humor is priceless!
Seriously though, the story was hilarious and the self deprecating humor is priceless!
03-17-2013, 07:27 PM
#8
Racer
After being locked in mine, I solved it all the easy way.
AAA on the way. 20 minutes, jumped and on the way to have a new battery installed.
But..............I didn't get all the enjoyment of the chase.
I'm sure it was worth it.
AAA on the way. 20 minutes, jumped and on the way to have a new battery installed.
But..............I didn't get all the enjoyment of the chase.
I'm sure it was worth it.
03-17-2013, 07:29 PM
#9
Safety Car
Member Since: Jan 2009
Location: Mooresville (Race City USA) NC
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You are a very perceptive guy, with a great sense of humor (which hopefully prevents you from going crazy, or attempting suicide and failing at that as well, the ultimate insult), and excellent writing skills. I can't help but agree with you. Unfortunately, as cars become more reliable (the Corvette is lagging), and they all perform better, with greater economy and comfort (the Corvette is again lagging), they try to distinguish themselves from the competition by trick features enabled by electronic technology. Where before cars might try try to distinguish themselves by being faster, safer (yea, we know, safety doesn't sell to the ignorant), wider (like the G/S 
), lower (like in lowering a Vette which already scrapes anything over a two degree rise), to reach today's market of non-drivers (i.e., those that can't even drive a standard transmission), you need to introduce needless electronic gimmicks. I never found it all that inconvenient to insert and twist a key, but to todays overweight drivers with no physical dexterity whatsover, this is "too much effort", just like shifting a car.
), lower (like in lowering a Vette which already scrapes anything over a two degree rise), to reach today's market of non-drivers (i.e., those that can't even drive a standard transmission), you need to introduce needless electronic gimmicks. I never found it all that inconvenient to insert and twist a key, but to todays overweight drivers with no physical dexterity whatsover, this is "too much effort", just like shifting a car.
03-17-2013, 07:32 PM
#10
Race Director
When you replace the battery, the only thing you have to do is reindex the windows, right? I understand that the car remembers everything else.
Last edited by Tonylmiller; 03-17-2013 at 07:35 PM.
03-17-2013, 11:23 PM
#15
Le Mans Master
03-18-2013, 01:51 PM
#18
Melting Slicks
clean up garage maybe? 
Good story though. Mine was totally uneventful compared to yours. Car in garage, got in car. click, click, click. Put charger on battery. Started car up. Drove around for 25mins. Next day, battery dead. Pulled battery and took to autozone. Bought new one and put in. Done. lol
Good story though. Mine was totally uneventful compared to yours. Car in garage, got in car. click, click, click. Put charger on battery. Started car up. Drove around for 25mins. Next day, battery dead. Pulled battery and took to autozone. Bought new one and put in. Done. lol
03-18-2013, 02:35 PM
#19
Team Owner
Glad Bucky learned how to spell "dead."
03-18-2013, 02:48 PM
#20
Burning Brakes
The marching of technology is really getting my goat - and I have a degree in electrical engineering. The C6 is an interesting mess of electronics and band-aids to fix problems brought on by dead batteries. Now if they replace that rack of chattering relays in the center dash area in the C7 I might hold my nose at the styling and take a look there.
Or maybe I'll just restore a 57 Bel Air hardtop ...
Or maybe I'll just restore a 57 Bel Air hardtop ...
