Two cannibals are eating Amy Schumer
One says to the other
"Does this taste funny to you?"
The other says
"No"












Due to the popularity of the "Survivor" shows, Texas is planning to do one entitled: "Survivor - Texas Style!"
The lucky contestants will all start in Dallas, drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, then over to Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed up to Del Rio, El Paso, Odessa, Midland, Lubbock, and Amarillo. From there they will go on to Abilene and Fort Worth. Finally back to Dallas.
Each contestant will be driving a pink Prius with 15 bumper stickers which will read:
1. "I'm A Democrat"
2. "Amnesty For Illegals"
3. "I Love The Dixie Chicks"
4. "Boycott Beef"
5. "I Voted For Obama"
6. "George
7. "Elect Hillary In 2020"
8. "Vote Eric Holder Texas Governor"
9. "Rosie O'Donnell Is Texas Born"
10. "I Love Obama Care and Chuck Schumer"
11. "Barney Frank Is My Hero"
12. "I Side With Jane Fonda"
13. "It's all Bush's Fault"
14. "Islam Is A Peace-Loving Religion" - and the last sticker is;
15. "I'm Here To Confiscate Your Guns"
The first contestant to make it back to Dallas alive wins.



A chap in his local pub came out with a random piece of information. He declared: "Jehovah's Witnesses don't celebrate Hallowe'en." One of his drinking friends felt compelled to reply: "Is it because they don't like random people coming to their door uninvited?"



A Pilot and a Priest
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? ‘
The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston .’
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.’





A Doctor can't find a job in a Hospital,
He opens a clinic and puts a sign outside.
'GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100.' A lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.
Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."
Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."
Doc; "Splendid, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."
The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.
Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."
Doc; "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."
Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."
Doc; "Awesome, You got your memory back. Give me $20."
The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.
Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."
Doc; "oh well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."
Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"
Doc; "Spectacular, your eyesight is restored. Now you owe me $20"




It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails.
But when it happens no one is shocked.



The Greatest Fly Over Ever!
The Chiefs were playing the Raiders.
Obama had eliminated the patriotic military flyovers at large events.
A group of guys in Kansas City who do some formation flying in their own planes, decided they'd volunteer to pick up the slack. They invited a couple of other groups to join them and before they knew it they had 48 guys with their own airplanes signing up to join in. If they had more time, they probably would have gotten an even larger group as people kept joining and a 49th was added near the event.
Be sure your speakers are turned up.
Best if you watch at 'full screen'.






On my first day in prison, my cellmate said to me...
"If you ever come close to me, I'll fucking skin you alive. When we're sleeping, you don't fucking touch me. You hear me? Don't ever talk to me, either."
"Fucking great." I thought, "First day in here and I'm already married."





An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."



The Cloud explained



90% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house.
The rest kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife.





Me: As I've gotten older, I've come to feel that 60 is the new 30.
Policeman: I don't care what you "feel", buster, 30 is the speed limit!





A police officer pulls over an elderly couple
He walks up to the driver's side window and asks the husband for his license and registration.
The wife, hard of hearing, asks "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband replies "he wants my license!"
The officer asks him if he knew how fast he was going.
The wife yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he says I was speeding!"
As the officer looks at the license he notices they're from Ohio "you know, I used to live in Ohio. Worst place ever. I was seeing this woman there, and it was just miserable. She would never shut up, couldn't cook worth shit, constantly belittled me, and the sex was just awful."
The old lady once again yells "what?! What did he say to you?"
The husband yells back "he said you two used to date!"





A backpacker walks into a tavern
As he walks in, all eyes turn on him, it's a small isolated tavern way up in the mountains, so they don't see strangers too often.
He orders a beer and starts mingling, and because he's a cool guy he fits in relatively quick.
A few beers after, he spots a table at the back of the room, with marks carved into it up to a quarter of the length on one side. He asks his drinking buddy:
"What's the deal with that table over there?"
"Well young traveler, this is where we honor the Will of the Mountain."
"Care to explain further?"
"It's quite simple actually, strikes midnight all those that feel worthy pull out their junk, put it on the table and measure which one got the furthest. They then proceed to fuck the one with the smallest pecker up the ass in turns, for such is the Will of the Mountain."
Baffled at this local custom, the backpacker glances at the table, gauging his chances, he lived for new experiences and immersion in other cultures, so when midnight comes he bravely goes to the table first. He pulls out his johnson, and lays it flat on the table, it reaches up to a third of the length, way past the other marks. Full of pride he looks at his drinking buddy, which replies amused:
"Well done young traveler, you are inhabited by the Will of the Mountain! But I fear that you are on the wrong side of the table."




The local news station was interviewing an 80-year old woman because she had just gotten married for the 4th time in her life.
The interviewer was asking her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
The lady tells him that her new husband is a funeral director.
"Interesting," the newsman thinks....
He then asks her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little bit about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She then pauses for a few moments, needing some time to reflect on all of those years. After a short time, a smile comes to her face as she answers proudly, explaining to the newsman that she had remembered each of her husbands.
The first, she says, was a banker, whom she married in her 20s. In her 40s, she married a circus ringmaster. In her 60s, she married a preacher, and now, in her 80s, she's marrying a funeral director.
The newsman is astonished at this development, having never met anybody who had been in so many relationships with so many different and diverse careers. He asks her why, if there was any reason, did she choose to marry those specific people.
She responds, "I married one for the money, two for the show. Three to get ready, and four to go!"



The Infectious Disease Olympics has been cancelled as the first event was a complete disaster. All contestants drowned!!
Turns out Water Polio wasn't such a good idea.




Castration
A man comes into the Dr. office and says he needs to have a procedure done. The Dr. asks, what procedure, the man replies "Umm, castration, I need to be castrated or my girlfriend won't marry me!" Puzzled the Dr. asks, "Castrated, do you know what that means?" The man quickly replies, yes I know what it means, just do it. So the Dr. sets up the procedure and does it. When the man is coming out of anesthetic, the Dr. says to him, "The procedure was a great success, you should heal nicely. I also noticed you hadn't been circumcised when you were under so I did that too" to which the many instantly replies, "Circumcised! That's the word!"


God created Canada.
On the 6th day God turned to Archangel Gabriel and said: "Today I am going to create a land called Canada, it will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains,beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon."
God continued, "I shall make the land rich in oil so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly and kindest people on the earth."
"But Lord," asked Gabriel, "don't you think you are being too generous to these Canadians?"
"Not really," replied God, "just wait until I make their neighbors "





There's this guy trying to interview people for his show.
He goes to this little town next to the hills and ask a guy for an interview, he says yes, and he asks him if he has some good story to tell related to his town, he says "yes, one time the prettiest girl in town got lost in the hills, as usual all men went there to look for her, when we found her, as usual we all got drunk and made love to her. Then the tv host interrupts him "Hey, this is a show for all the family, you can't say that!..Ok, do you have a weird story?" he says "yes, one time the neighbors' goat got lost in the hills, as usual all men went to find it when we found it as usual we all got drunk and made love to it. Then the tv host interrupts him " I told you! this is a show for all the family, you can't say that!..Ok, let's try something different, do you have a sad story?"..."Yes, one time I got lost in the hills..."





Mom and dad take their 5 year-old son to the zoo...
They stop by the elephants and the son notices the bull elephant, who's clearly excited. The son whispers to mom, "Mom, what's that thing hanging from the elephant?"
The mom, not really paying attention replies, "That's the elephant's trunk, sweetie."
The son replies, "No, mom. I know what the trunk is. What's THAT thing hanging under the elephant?" He points directly to the bull elephant's now engorged member.
The mother looks, blushes, and quickly says, "Oh! Um...that's nothing, sweetie."
Frustrated, the son tugs on dad's shirt and asks, "Dad, what's that thing hanging underneath the elephant? I know it's not the trunk."
The dad looks and calmly says, "That's the elephant's penis, son."
The son asks, "When I asked mom, she said it was nothing."
The dad smiles and says, "Son, I've SPOILED that woman."

:rofl: Bear has been shot........