CorvetteForum - Chevrolet Corvette Forum Discussion - ☻▬☻▬☻FRIDAY FUNNIES! ☻▬☻▬☻ November 5th weekend, 2021 edition

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- - ☻▬☻▬☻FRIDAY FUNNIES! ☻▬☻▬☻ November 5th weekend, 2021 edition (https://www.corvetteforum.com/forums/c1-and-c2-corvettes/4581294-friday-funnies-november-5th-weekend-2021-edition.html)

☻▬☻▬☻FRIDAY FUNNIES! ☻▬☻▬☻ November 5th weekend, 2021 edition

Brrrrrrr......getting cold to the north guys and girls. Below freezing at night....I'm afraid Corvette weather is done for another year. :(
Let's see what you guys can come up with the cheer me up this weekend. :yesnod:
Remember the rules, and laugh on! :thumbs:
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First let's see what Bill found for us next door. :thumbs:

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:jester

Different twist on an old one.....

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

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"If a man has a beautiful stenographer, do you suppose that will cause him to take more interest in his business?" asked Mr. Piglatch.
"I don't know whether he will take more interest in his business," said Mr. Peckton, thoughtfully, "but his wife sure will."

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A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

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One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.
At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.
The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.
When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

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An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.

"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."

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The Dentist

Man goes to see dentist and asks "How much to pull two wisdom teeth?"

Dentist says "$100.00."

Man says, "too much. Can't you do it for less?"

Dentist says "I can do it for $50 if I cut out the novacaine."

Man says, "that's better but still too much. Can't we do it any cheaper?"

Dentist says, "I could let my trainee do it for $20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful."

Man says, "That's great. Schedule my wife for next Tuesday."

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:jester

And a couple from Curvette out west......:D

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And one from Sammy K....:canadaflag:

The Jewish COVID Protection Mask Salesman
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling COVID protection masks.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a mask? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your masks. I need water!”
"Sorry, I have none, just masks - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your masks! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a mask from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a mask!

https://cimg0.ibsrv.net/gimg/www.cor...715b18f12b.jpg
Fish Heads, Fish Heads, Roly-Poly Fish Heads... Fish Heads, Fish Heads, Eat Them Up, Yum...

Quote:

Originally Posted by sstonebreaker (Post 1604268080)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wjncBt8YIO0

He was flipping HILARIOUS....
I seemed to have grazed your pool table....Im 49 and my parents watched all his movies and even as a kid i was ROFL.....Classic

Q: Who helps the little pumpkins cross the road to school?
A: The Crossing Gourd.

Q: What do you get when you divide the circumference of your jack-o-lantern by its diameter?
A: Pumpkin Pi.

Q: I’m tall when I’m young, I’m short when I’m old, and every Halloween I stand up inside Jack-o-lanterns. What am I?
A: A candle.

Q: If money really did grow on trees, what would be everyone’s favorite season?
A: Fall.

Q: What do you get when you drop a pumpkin?
A: Squash.

A family of fall leaves were trying to change a light bulb. A squirrel walked by and asked why the bulb wasn’t changed yet. The red leaf said, “Because we keep falling.”

Q: What happened when the turkey got in a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him.

Q: Who lives in the scary Hundred Acre Wood?
A: Winnie the Boo.

Q: What did one leaf say to another?
A: I’m falling for you.

Q: Why are all Superman costumes tight?
A: They’re all size S.

Q: Why do birds fly south in the fall?
A: Because it’s too far to walk.

Q: Why is Dracula so easy to fool?
A: Because he’s a sucker.

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Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

:jester

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

:jester

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied ... "I really miss mine."

:rofl:

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business."

So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"

He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

:willy:

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."

:thumbs:......:jester

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A Man goes into a Bakers and asks for 2 Bread Rolls..??

The Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in a Paper Bag,

He then asks for 2 Cakes the Shop Man picks them up with the Tongs and puts them in the Bag.

The Man says :-

"It’s nice to see you don’t Handle the Food"..

The Shop Man says :-

"Nothing in my Shop is Handled by Human Hand"..

He then noticed a Piece of String hanging out of the Shop Man's Trousers and asks :-

"What is that Piece of String for"..???

The Shop Man says :-

"When I need a Piss. I just pull on the String and it Pops Out"..

"That’s OK" Says the man.

"But how do you put it Back"..???

"That’s No Problem", says the Shop Man.

"I just Use the TONGS"..

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A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona
when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip
had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo
man climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously
at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
"If you're wondering what's in the bag,"
offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine.
I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several
times and says, "Good trade."

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A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: " All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.

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Two hunters, Paul and Kurt, were in a lodge, making small talk. Paul asked Kurt, "So, what do you hunt?"

Kurt answered, "I hunt unicorns."

Paul was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

Kurt replied, "I find a virgin and hire her to help me. The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

Paul said, "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

Kurt said, "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"