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OLDIE BUT GOODIE:

A man is preparing to board a train when he hears that the Pope will also be using that mode of transportation because he apparently wants to try something different.

"This is exciting," the man thinks. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person."

Imagine his surprise when the Pope sits down in the seat next to him. But the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff.

Shortly after taking his seat, the Pope began a crossword puzzle.

"This is fantastic," the man thinks. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance."

The Pope immediately turns to the gentleman and says, "Excuse me, but do you know a four-letter word referring to intercourse that ends in 'k'?"

Only one word leaps to mind. The man feels uncomfortable. "My goodness," he thinks, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word."

He thinks for a while, then it hits him, and he says, "I think the word you're looking for is 'talk'."

"Of course," replies the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

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The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”

Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”

Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”

Wife: “Oh yeah?”

Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”

Maria: “Jor hozban did”

Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”

Maria: “The third reason is that I am better than you in the bed.”

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”

Maria: “No Señora… The gardener did.”

Wife: “So how much do you want?”

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A little boy goes shopping with his mother and is waiting right outside of the ladies dressing room for his mom to come out.
While waiting, the little boy gets bored and just when his mom comes walking out, she sees her son sliding his hand up a mannequin's skirt.

"Get your hand out of there!" she shouts. "Don't you know that women have teeth down there?"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars he didn't get bitten.

For the next ten years, this little boy grows up believing all women have teeth between their legs.
When he's 16, he gets a girlfriend. One night, while her parents are out of town, she invites him over.
After an hour of making out and grinding on the sofa, she says,

"You know, you could go a little further if you want."

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" she says, pointing to her crotch.

"HELL NO!" he cries, "You've got teeth down here!"

"Don't be ridiculous," she responds, "There's no such thing as teeth down there!"

"Yes there are," he says, "My mom told me."

"No there aren't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I' m sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that ALL women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she cries. She whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head and says, "LOOK, I DON'T have any teeth down there."

The boy takes a good long look and replies, "Well, after seeing the condition of your gums, I'm not surprised they fell out!"

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A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.
She said 'I looked up beautiful climbing rose in the encyclopaedia last night and it said Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence no good in an open bed.

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If it was truly Heaven, do you think you would have to wait in line for an eternity? :toetap:

>If it was truly Heaven, do you think you would have to wait in line for an eternity? <

Good point. When I was a kid questions like that used to get me in trouble in Sunday school. Like the time I asked the nun; If Adam and Eve were the only people on earth, when the snake talked to Eve what language did it speak? Also, did the snake speak with a lisp?

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Three Nun's were driving their corvettes in the mountains when all of a sudden they hit a blind corner at high speed and met their end.

The next moment all three find themselves standing at the pearly gates of heaven and large angel standing in front.

The Angel said "Before I can let you in, you each need to answer a question I have for you"

The Angel said to the first Nun "Who was the first man on earth?"

The first Nun said "Easy! that would be Adam" Bells chimed the pearly gates opened and in went the first Nun

The Angel said to the second Nun "Who was the first woman on earth?"

The second Nun said "Easy! that would be Eve" Bells chimed the pearly gates opened and in went the second Nun

The Angel said to the third Nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?"

The third Nun was a little shocked at the degree of difficulty of her question "Gee that's a hard one!" she said.

Bells chimed the pearly gates opened and in went the third Nun.

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if a man speaks,
and there is no women around,
is he still wrong?

Quote:

Originally Posted by 1964barnfind (Post 1607561602)

if a man speaks,
and there is no women around,
is he still wrong?

RULE 1: The woman is ALWAYS right

RULE 2: If the woman IS wrong, refer to Rule 1.

Age-related one-liners

“If you want to know how old a woman is, ask her sister-in-law." (Eva Gabor)

"Old age comes at a bad time." (Ed Sullivan)

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." (Stevie Wonder)

"Old age is like a plane flying through a storm. Once you are aboard, there is nothing you can do about it." (Golda Meir)

"The older I get, the more clearly I remember things that never happened." (Mark Twain)

"I’m at that age where my back goes out more than I do." (Phyllis Diller)
"Nice to be here? At my age, it’s nice to be anywhere." (George Burns)

"First you forget names, then you forget faces, then you forget to pull your zipper up; then you forget to pull your zipper down." (Rob Reiner)

“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not THAT tired.” (Princess Grace)

“Old people shouldn’t eat Health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get.” (Bob Hope)

"At my age, flowers scare me." (George Burns)

“It’s like you trade the virility of the body for the agility of the spirit.” (Ed Sullivan)

"The years between 55 and 75 are the hardest. You are always being asked to do things, and yet you are not decrepit enough to turn them down." (T.S Elliot)

"At age 20, we worry about what others think of us… at age 40, we don’t care what they think of us… at age 60, we discover they haven’t been thinking of us at all." (Ann Landers)

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." (Milton Berle)

"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." (Martin Scorsese)

"We don’t grow older, we grow riper." (Pablo Picasso)

“It’s paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn’t appeal to anyone.” (Andy Rooney)

“The older I get, the better I used to be.” (Lee Trevino)

"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me — they’re cramming for their final exam." (George Carlin)

"Everything seems to slow down with age, except the time it takes cake and ice cream to reach your hips." (Elizabeth Taylor)

"Grandchildren don’t make a man feel old, it’s the knowledge that he’s married to a grandmother that does." (Norman Vincent Peale)

"When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it’s a sure sign you’re getting old." (Mark Twain)

"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." (Dennis Quaid)

"There’s one advantage to being 102, there’s no peer pressure." (Adam & Eve)

"There are three stages in man’s Life: he believes in Santa Claus, he does not believe in Santa Claus, he is Santa Claus." (Leon Phillips)

"Looking fifty is great — if you’re sixty." (Joan Rivers)