Good Morning everyone! .....getting very cool at night lately up in the north country, time to start thinking of putting away the toys of summer.......
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Let's start with the usual visuals to wake your brain up.




































Lexophiles describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless."

A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submissions are listed below, so laugh, smile, or go hysterical....but have a good day.......Enjoy!! .


... A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

... When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

... The batteries were given out free of charge.

... A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

... A will is a dead giveaway.

... With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

... A boiled egg is hard to beat.

... When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

... Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

... Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

... A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

... When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

... He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

... Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And finally:

... Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

, thanks Bill.

 

 

An ode to Geezers everywhere......

How to Spot a Geezer

"Geezers" are easy to spot. This is slang for an old man.

During a sporting event during the playing of the National Anthem, they
will hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment.

They remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl Harbor,
Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the
Korean War, the Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing and Vietnam.

If you bump into a Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize. Pass a
Geezer on the street and he will nod, or tip his cap to a lady.

Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women. They hold the door for
the next person and always when walking, make sure the lady is on the
inside for protection.

Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and
children and they don't like violence and filth on TV and in movies.

Geezers have moral courage. Geezers seldom brag unless it is about
their grandchildren in Little League or music recitals.

This country needs Geezers with their decent values and common sense.
We need them now more than ever. It is the Geezeers who know our great
country is protected not by the so-called politicians or police, but by
the young men and women in our military that are serving their country in
foreign lands, just as they did, without a thought except to do a good job
and the best you can and to return home to loved ones.

Each and everyone of us should thank God for Old Geezers!

 

Can You Dig It?

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole, he
would dig, dig, dig, the other would come behind him and fill the
hole, fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously. One digging
a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard
these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing.
Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what
are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and
fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who
plants the trees is sick today."




The Water Pistol

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from
his grandmother, he discovered a water pistol. He squealed
with delight and headed for the nearest sink. I was not so
pleased.

I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you.
Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with water
guns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember perfectly."




Three Ladies Getting Old

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One
said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in
front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it
away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, some times I find myself on the
landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or
on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;
knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told
them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"




Two Carrots.....

One day two carrots were walking down the street. They were the
best of friends. Just as they started to step off the curb a car
came speeding around the corner and ran one of them over. The
unhurt carrot cradled his buddy, telling him over and over again
that he would be OK. Finally the ambulance arrived and rushed the
injured carrot off to the hospital. His friend rode with him.

Once at the hospital the uninjured carrot paced back and forth in
the emergency room waiting to hear how his pal was going to be.

After many minutes of agonized waiting the doctor came out. He
walked over to the distraught carrot and said "I have good news and
I have bad news. The good news is that your friend is going to be
all right. The bad news is that he is going to be a vegetable all his
life".

...groan

 

 

 

TOP 50 JOKES ACCORDING THE FACEBOOK.....



1. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.''



2. ''I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.''



3. ''Dyslexic man walks into a bra''



4. A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''



5. A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.



6. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off.



7. Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.



8. Another one was: Doc, I can't stop singing the 'Green Green Grass of Home'. He said: 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome'. 'Is it common?'I asked. 'It's not unusual' he replied.



9. I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.



10. A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: ''Pint please, and one for the road.''



11. I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'Have you got anything for wind?' So he gave me a kite.



12. My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.



13. I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah; I thought, ''He's trying to pull a fast one''.



14. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.''



15. There's two fish in a tank, and one says ''How do you drive this thing?''



16. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.



17. When Susan's boyfriend proposed marriage to her she said: ''I love the simple things in life, but I don't want one of them for my husband''.



18. ''My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.''



19. I rang up British Telecom, I said, ''I want to report a nuisance caller'', he said ''Not you again''.



20. I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.



21. A jumper-cable walks into a bar. The barman says ''I'll serve you, but don't start anything''



22. Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace.



23. A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, ''Is this some kind of joke?''



24. A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ''Sorry we don't serve food in here''



25. The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said ''Did you get my drift?''.



26. I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.



27. Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.



28. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''



29. I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''



30. I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.



31. So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says ''Your eyes sparkle like diamonds''. I said, ''Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck''.



32. Four fonts walk into a bar the barman says ''Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here''



33. I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.



34. There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.



35. I went down the local supermarket, I said, ''I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it'', he said, "Those are pickled onions''.



36. I backed a horse last week at ten to one. It came in at quarter past four.



37. I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said ''may contain nuts.'' Well, YES! That's what I bought the buggers for! You'd be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out!''



38. A lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, What a turtle disaster



39. My phone will ring at 2 in the morning, and my wife'll look at me and go, ''Who's that calling at this time?' ''I don't know! If I knew that we wouldn't need the bloody phone!''



40. I said to this train driver ''I want to go to Paris". He said ''Eurostar?'' I said, ''I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin''.



41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.



42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.



43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.



44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: ''I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.''



45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.



46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.



47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.



48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners.



49. A seal walks into a club...



50. I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it.

 

Loved the dog sneaking up on the cats. Happy Friday!

 

It brings out a smile!

 

Joey and his Italian best friend get on a bus. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."




Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says. "And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks. "I have three questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.

Who has a question" A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up. Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is, "Johnny," he says. "And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks. "I have five questions," he says. "First -- whatever happened in Benghazi? "Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts? "Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State? "Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? "And, fifth -- where's Kenny?"









A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it, so as a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

He later went on to become a member of Congress


Rally driving in Italy. Makes Formula One look like pedal car stuff. Question is who are the crazier, the drivers or the spectators
https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B27d...drive_we%c2%a0



Confucius Say....
Kiss is merely shopping upstairs, For merchandise downstairs.

Confucius Say.
Better to lose a lover, Than love a loser.

Confucius Say.
Man with broken condom, Often called Daddy

Confucius Say.
Sex is same as bank account, You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.

Confucius Say.
Viagra just like Disneyland ... One hour wait for 5 minute ride.

Confucius Say.
Much better to want the mate you do not have, Than to have the mate you do not want.

Confucius Say.
Joke is like sex. Neither any good if you don't get it.
And food for thought… Some people just need a sympathetic pat…. On the head….. with a hammer

 

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date. 'Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh' 'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play. 'My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.' The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?' 'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why? ;'Because you got an F in sex.'



Subject: Politically incorrect current events

Everyone knows that in advertising the competition is very fierce; so the Germans came up with an ad for German autos...




The French auto makers: Citroen, Renault, and Peugeot soon replied with their own ad campaign!





A Muslim wife complains to her husband that all the romance had gone out of their marriage. "Remember when you used to carry me up to bed?" she asked. "Yeah," he replied, "But to be fair, you were only eleven years old at the time!"


Muslim men and their brides line up for marriage ceremonies

 

Hospital Charts
These are actual notes from various hospital charts:

1. The patient refused an autopsy.
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2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
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3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
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4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
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5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
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6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
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7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
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8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
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9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
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10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
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11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
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12. She is numb from her toes down.
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13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
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14. The skin was moist and dry.
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15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
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16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
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17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
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18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
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19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
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20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
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21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
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22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
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23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
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24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
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25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.






National Orgasm Day

A guy turns to his wife in bed and whispers, "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"




"Oh, what a pity," she said, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week."

 

 

That is some funny $hit!

 

Animal ****? Crap, last St Patty's day I got a forum warning for nips showing through some blouses! I guess cussing isn't the only thing they have loosened up on.

 

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ?

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, - 'When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?
Suzy raised her hand and said, - 'I think it's your hands.'

- 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'

Suzy replied, - 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.

- 'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said - 'Sister, I think it's your feet.

The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. - 'Now Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'

Little Johnny said, - 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, 'Oh God, I'm coming'. I gotta tell you, if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her.'

The Nun fainted...!!!.

 

What do you say when in the cheese aisle you fart then a couple comes up and talks about how good the cheese smells?








I could use a bunch of them around the house -- lots of work to do before winter sets in!

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Now... For some Canadian humor!

 

Pretty lame turnout this week.....

Distracted driving?














Good Dog!