Good morning everyone! My prayers go out to all the southern Texas folks as well as Alabama, Missisippi, and part of Florida....all with too much water to deal with. Let's see if we can lighten the mood for them.....
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A little eye twister stuff to start with.....




























During the local cricket match, a spectator was surprised to see a dog walk onto the pitch and start pitching, eventually striking out the other all star team, and scoring two home runs.
"That's incredible!" he exclaimed to the man next to him.
"Yes," he said, "but he's a terrible disappointment to his parents. They wanted him to be a soccer player."



an old one coming round again....

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking upon no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.



And The 3 Year Old Said.....

A friend hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children. All during the sit-down dinner one co-worker's three-year-old girl stared at the man sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, 'Excuse me little girl, but why do you keep staring at me?'
Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went quiet for her response. The little girl said, 'I just want to see how you drink like a fish.'



School goes back this month!



Having a great time on vacation....


Making the best of a bad situation...









How many children...

Some newly married friends were visiting us when the topic of children came up. The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he`d put an end to things by saying boldly, "After our second child, I'll just have a vasectomy."

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, "Well, I hope you'll love the third one as if it's your own."

 

 

Three women were debating about how wide their puzzy are. The first one said: "When my husband makes sex he puts his ***** and his ********* in my puzzy." The second lady said: "Wooo when we are in bed my husband puts his hand and his arm in mine." It was the turn of the third woman that pointed to her puzzy and said: Jimmy; Jimmy come out, please."



A small boy was awoken in the middle of the night by strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad ******** for all they were worth. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?” “It’s ok,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.” The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face. Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother giving oral gratification to his father. “DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?” “Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”



Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."



An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively. "I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

 

 

One day during the family lunch the youngest son Paul asks his father:
- Daddy, what is the difference between potential and reality?

Daddy turns to his wife and gives her a question:
- Would you sleep with George Clooney for 1 million $?
- Certainly, I would never waste such opportunity, - tells the wife

Daddy turns to his teenage daughter:
- Maria, would you sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 million $?
- Surely! He is my fantasy, his posters are all over the walls of my room.

Daddy turns to his eldest son Raul and asks:
- Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million $!
Eldest son thinks a little and replies:
- Why not? Imagine what I could do with that money. So yes, I would sleep.

Then daddy turns back to his youngest son Paul and explains him:
- You see, Paul, potentially we are sitting with multi millionaires but in reality we are sitting with two prostitutes and one gay blade…

 

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why
do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason that santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "where's the self- help section?"
she said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

10.. Is there another word for synonym?

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock petrol station bathrooms?
Are they afraid someone will clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

19. Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

20. How do they get deer to cross the road
only at those yellow road signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

23. Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have 's' in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids"
instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32.. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental person in a circle three times, do they become disoriented?

 

Business was terrible and not picking up. I had to fire somebody, and I narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.
It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, I decided I would fire the first one to use the water-cooler the next morning.
When Debra came in with a horrible hangover after partying all night, she went directly to the cooler to take an aspirin.
I approached her and said “Debra, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off”.
“Could you Jack-off for now?’ she replied. “I feel like ****. If you can wait, I’ll do you at lunchtime.”
I had to let Jack go

 

When Obama signed the bill that allowed gays to serve openly in the military (Trans-genders as well) there was no more "don't-ask-don't-tell." But what he really did was cause confusion in the ranks that could easily cost Marine lives.

We know Marines are trained to immediately obey orders.

So imagine:

You're a Marine in a combat situation; ISIS is firing at you and running toward your position & the guy next to you is openly gay...


Then your platoon leader yells... “Shoot those ***********!"

See the confusion here?

 

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely..

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

So God said that He was going to make Adam a companion
and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,
and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you.'
She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,
and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.
She will praise you !
She will bear your children
and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.
'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib ?

Of course the rest is history..... ! !

 

The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar just outside the American Legion Post. A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing line in the puddle. A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what he was doing.

"Fishing," the old Master Chief simply said.

"Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink. As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"

"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Navy and 9 Marines.”

 

One never knows all the things on Craigslist...

 

Husband's wife is missing...

So he calls the police station:

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my Jeep.

Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer
At this point the husband started choking up. . .

Sergeant: Don't worry, Buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

 

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To help save the economy, the Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals) in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs. Older people are easier to catch and will not remember how to get back home. I started to cry when I thought of you. Then it dawned on me...oh, shoot..I'll see you on the bus!

 

What's up? .....is everyone away for the weekend?

Nothing funny going on?......

 

The link was broken. Here's the video:





-- Joe

 

Need someone to cover my butt.

Must be an M80 in there, but still funny.

 

You can'y fix STUPID

 

 

At the Doc's office.....

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor asked what the problem was.
"Well," said the man, "My wife and I aren't getting as much out of sex as we used to, doctor."
"How old are you, Mr Jones?" asked the doctor.
"I'm 87, doctor."
"And how old is your wife, Mr Jones?"
"She's 79, doctor."
"Just a minute," said the doctor, "You are 87 and your wife is 79 and you don't think you are getting as much out of sex as you used to?"
"That's right, doctor."
"When did you discover this?"
"Twice last night and once this morning!"



I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling *****. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those ***** still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the ***** are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.



In California Unleaded gas went to $4.00 a gallon last Thursday.
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making herrounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. Fortunately, anExxon station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow agas can and buy some gas.
The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out,but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on theway to see a patient, she decided not to wait, and walked back to her car.
She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas, andspotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful,Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline,and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptist ladies watched fromacross the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts,I'm turning Catholic.'



Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."



Britney Spears and Christina Aguliera were building a barn. While putting up the inside wall, Britney noticed that Christina was tossing every other nail into the garbage can.

Britney asked Christina, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Christina said, "The pointed end is on the wrong end of the nail."

Britney said, "Well, don't throw those away, we can use those on the outside wall!"



A plane hit a patch of severe turbulence and the passengers were holding on tight as it rocked and reeled through the night. A little old lady turned to a minister who was sitting behind her and said, "You're a man of God. Can't you do something about this?"
He replied, "Sorry, I can't. I'm in sales, not management."

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