Got any Halloween funnies? Post 'em up! Getting cool outside.....my old 62 is buttoned up and tucked in for the long hibernation....for the 41st winter! ...
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Borrowed from the neighbours......
































Cleaning – It's all in the details

I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing.
He told me he couldn’t talk because he was working on “aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel while under a dangerously constrained environment.”

I was impressed. Until the following day when I learned that meant he was “washing dishes with hot water under his upset wife’s supervision.”



Chatting On The Plane

A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate.
"I've got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it?"
"I should let you know first that I am a policeman."
"That's OK. I'll tell it really slow!"



A police officer responded to...

A police officer responded to a report of a barroom disturbance.
The "disturbance" turned out to be well over six feet tall and weighed almost 300 pounds. What's more, he boasted that he could whip the officer and the "Heavy Weight Boxing Champion of the World."
Said the policeman, "I'll bet that you're also an escape artist too, probably better than Houdini."
The giant nodded.
"If I had some chains," the officer continued, "you could show us how strong you really are. But all I've got is a set of handcuffs. Why don't you see just how quickly you can break out of them?"
Once in the cuffs, the man puffed, pulled and jerked for four minutes.
"I can't get out of these," the giant growled.
"Are you sure?" the officer asked.
The fellow tried again. "Nope," he replied. "I can't do it."
"In that case," said the officer, "you're under arrest."



Once upon a time...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.



Don't you just hate those speed bumps?


SQUIRREL!




Um....forgot something?


You know you're a redneck when......

 

 

Viagra at meal time.....

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. "It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

 

What CONFUCIUS NEARLY SAID:

Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired. Man who runs behind car gets exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right It determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no peace at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . . "A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

 

A father told each of his 3 sons when he sent them off to college, "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father's time had come, and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, the doctor put 10 newly printed crisp $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, the financial planner also put $1,000 there in 20 newly printed crisp $50 bills.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

The lawyer is now running for Congress in your district...

 

Pilot's Story!
Once upon a time a pilot asked a beautiful princess, “Will you marry me”? The princess said, “No!”

And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew airplanes all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged, big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Belgium beer and forty year old single malt scotch and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was unbelievably cool. And he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.

 

A NIGHT'S SLEEP


On a long walk in the woods, Johhny found himself out late and decided to look for a place to rest the night. He finally found a hut in the middle of the woods and knocked on the door. An old man answered, and he agreed to give Johhny a bed for the night on one condition: the man's teenaged daughter would be in the other bed, and Johnny was not to touch her or disturb her sleep in any way. Johnny agreed, but changed his mind when he saw how beautiful the sleeping girl was and, while she didn't respond to his caresses, she didn't push him away either.
The next morning, Johnny awoke alone, but he figured the girl had gone to do her chores and he eagerly awaited her return. Instead the old man walked in, wiping the tears from his eyes. “What's wrong?” asked Johnny. “Oh, I've just come back from the cemetery -- we had my little girl's funeral this morning. But thank you so much for sitting up with her body last night.”

 

You Might Be A Redneck If 54

You might be a reneck if...

Your best coat is a black and red checkered.
You put your Christmas lights up 2 weeks after taking them down.
You consider duct tape and tarp straps necessities for auto body repair.
You raise the confederate flag in the bed of your truck whenever you go for a drive.
You can't wait for the Saturday night square dance.
You refer to your truck as if it had a legal first name.
You've ever been given a gun as a present.
Flannel is your favorite color.
You or one of your relatives is named Cletus.
Your grandfather can sense a storm coming by a mysterious twitching in his knee.

 

YOU'VE GOT TO BE A GEEZER TO UNDERSTAND THIS ONE.


A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee. As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.
She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

 

A mix match....

 

 

Recently at breakfast, one of our august members asked his wife,
"What would you do if I won the lottery?"

She replied, "I'd take half and leave you."

"Great," he said. "Here's $6. I won $12 yesterday. Stay in touch."

 

One evening Obama was out cruising around looking for a place to stay. He came upon a hotel and stopped in asking for a room for the night. Manager said that will be 100 dollars. Obama gives him the money and asks to see the room. While the bell boy takes Obama to look at the room the hotel manager takes the 100 dollars and pays the maid. The maid goes and pays the grocery store the 100 that she owes him. The grocery store owner goes and pays the 100 to the farmer for the supplies he has been getting. The farmer goes and pays the lady of the night for her services. She in turns goes and pays the hotel manager the 100 bucks she owes him for renting her a room for her meetings with guys. Obama comes back down and tells the hotel manager that he doesn't like the room and wants his 100 bucks back which the hotel manager gives him . Obama drives off smiling. Every one in town got paid but they still have no money and that my friends is how the government works.

 

My Wife answered the door for a trick or treater last Halloween.
A young boy was all alone at the door.
“Oh look - a cute little pirate! Where are your Buckineers?
Jonnie replied “Under my Bucking hat”

 

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and choked it to sleep with his two hands. Bill O'Reilly saw this happen, congratulated the man and told him he wanted him on his show for a story called, "Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal." The hero told Bill O'Reilly that he wasn't from that town. "Well, then," the Bill O'Reilly said, "the show segment will be called, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'." "Actually," the man said, "I'm from Connecticut." "In that case," the Bill O'Reilly said in a huff, "the story will be called, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'."

 

 

 

 

An old couple who hadn't celebrated Halloween in a long time decided to dress up and go out.

The old woman went into her bedroom, stripped naked and tied a lemon between her legs.

When she came out, the old man cried, "You can't go out like that!"

She said, "I can go anyway I like and so can you."

Whereupon he retired to the bedroom and came out stark raving naked with a potato tied to his tallywhacker.

The old woman says, you're going out like that?"

And he replies, "Yep, if you can go as a sour-puss, I can go as a dick-tator.



A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He decides that he would like to wear a costume that conceals his slightly odd appearance, but can't think of any costumes that would look good and do the job. Out of ideas, he writes a note to a costume company explaining his issue. A few days later a package arrives with a note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is a terrible idea because they have emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head. So again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint.

The next day he gets a small parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts. Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your *** and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.


A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party. The wife came down with a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.

He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said that she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and that there was no need to have his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened easily. As it was still early, she decided to go to the party.

Realizing that her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not around.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every woman he could find and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather sexy babe herself, her husband left his current partner high and dry and grabbed the wife by hand and began to dance with her, closely. Just to see how far she could take it, she made sure not to hesitate even slightly whenever he made any advances.

Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to go have a little fun in one of the dark deserted rooms.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed wondering what kind of explanation her husband would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had.

He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked if he danced much. He said, "I never danced once. Pete, Bill and I went into the den and played poker all night. But the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"

 

This is the thread I never miss! Although I confess I have posted very few jokes, sorry but most of my jokes get lost in translation.

By the way: The add of the girl with her foot on her chin (with the nicely painted toenails) is Adriana Macias, she is a motivational speaker who was born without arms. I once attended one of her conferences, she’s cool.

Oh! And most of the hot weather girls are from our local tv channels in Monterrey (with two r).