Kerrmudgeon

Good morning all you funny guys and gals.
Always remember laughter is the best medicine. Now what funny stuff do you have to share with everyone? ....
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Some borrowed visual treats....




























Volunteer fire department...

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"



A Minister Tells A Joke......

A preacher, who shall we say was "humor impaired," attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.
Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowd's attention, said, "The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasn't my wife!" The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, "And that woman was my mother!" - The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.
The next week, the pastor decided he'd give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.
Getting to the microphone he said loudly, "The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife!" The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, "...and I can't remember who she was!"



A rich man.......

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you. It don't look so good."




As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember:

1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called "Ministers Do More Than Lay People."
2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary.
3. The difference between the Pope and your boss...the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.
4. My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.
5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.
6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. The seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.
7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.
8. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.
9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.
10. A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid."
11. I'm so depressed. My doctor refused to write me a prescription for Viagra. He said it would be like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
12. My neighbor was bit by a stray rabid dog. I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically on a piece of paper. I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to worry about a Will. He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people I want to bite."
13. Definition of a teenager? God's punishment for enjoying sex.
14. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way.



The Marriage of Miss Bad Breath and Mr. Smelly Feet

A young couple, madly in love, decided to get married. But as the wedding day neared, both grew increasingly nervous over secret problems they had never shared with anyone. Privately, the groom-to-be approached his minister.“I’m really concerned about this marriage,” the young man said.“Don’t you love her?” the pastor asked in surprise.“Of course,” the groom said. “But I have unbelievably smelly feet—and I’m afraid my fiancée won’t be able to stand them.”“Oh, is that all?” the pastor replied. “Look, all you need to do is wash your feet twice a day and wear socks all the time.”The groom thought it over and decided it just might work.Meanwhile, the nervous bride had privately approached the minister’s wife. “I’m so worried,” she sobbed. “I have really bad breath when I wake up each day!”“Oh, dear,” the pastor’s wife replied,” everyone has bad breath in the morning. Don’t worry about it.”“No, you don’t understand,” the bride implored. “My morning breath is so awful, my fiancé won’t even want to be near me!”“Well, I have an idea,” the pastor’s wife said soothingly. “Set your alarm just a few minutes before your husband wakes up. Run to the bathroom, brush your teeth, and gargle with mouthwash before he gets out of bed. The key is not to say anything until you’ve taken care of your breath.”The bride thought it over and decided it just might work.In time, a beautiful wedding was held and the bride and groom enjoyed the day without once worrying about their secret problems. For several months they managed to keep their issues to themselves. They one morning, the husband awoke before dawn to find that one of his socks had come off in the night. Frantic, he searched the bed, afraid of what might happen if he didn’t find his sock soon. His bride woke with a start, and, without thinking, blurted out, “What in the world are you doing?”“Oh, dear!” the young man wailed. “You swallowed my sock!”

Kerrmudgeon

Girls Night Out...

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

MAD IN NC

Morning Robbie...







For ya really old bastards...........


AARP- American Association of Retired People:
Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum
Q: Where can single men over the age of 70 find younger women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.
Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible.
Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode
Joseph's *** all the way to Egypt"
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-70 year-old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.
Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them
out!
Q: Why should 70-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 70-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the
afternoon.
Q: Where should 70-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 70-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"
SMILE,
You've Still Got Your Sense Of Humor, Haven't You?



Some years ago a small rural town in Spain twinned with a similar town in Greece .
The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said; "You see that bridge over there? The EU gave us a grant to build a two-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built".
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor's house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said; "You see that bridge over there?"
The Spaniard replied; "No."


"Mom, why do I have bigger breasts than all the other girls in sixth grade, is it because I'm a blonde?"
submitted 7 hours ago by Paksta_
No, my dear, that's because you're 19



Every day, the barber at the local barber shop told everybody about this dumb kid that he met. He said that every single time he saw him, he'd give him a choice between five dimes and one dollar, and the kid chose the fifty cents every single time.

Then, the kid comes into the barber shop, and the barber goes to show everyone how stupid this kid was. He pulled out five dimes, and one dollar, and said "Pick one."
As usual, the kid picked the fifty cents. The barber had a good laugh, and later left work. Later in the evening, he saw the kid standing outside of an ice cream store that offered one cone for fifty cents. The barber walked up to the kid and asked "You know, you seem like a bright kid, so how come whenever I give you the choice between the dimes and the dollar, you always take the dimes?"

With a vanilla-coated smirk, the boy replied "Because the day I take the dollar is the day you stop giving me the fifty cents."



The Worst Mother In Law Ever
My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre. Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard.
When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat scooted between our legs inside, then ran up the stairs. Because our cat likes to chase our budgie we really didn't want to leave them un-chaperoned so my husband ran inside to retrieve her and put her in the back yard again.
Because I didn't want the taxi driver to know our house was going to be empty all evening, I explained to him that my husband would be out momentarily as he was just bidding goodnight to my mother.
A few minutes later he got into the cab all hot and bothered, and said (to my growing horror and amusement) as the cab pulled away.
"Sorry it took so long but the stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her **** with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck and wrapped her in a blanket so she wouldn't scratch me like she did last time. But it worked! I hauled her fat **** down the stairs and threw her into the backyard....she had better not **** in the vegetable garden again."


A couple dies and goes to heaven
They are greeted at the pearly gates by Saint Peter. As they are being processed for admission they decide to ask Saint Peter if they can get married in heaven.
Saint peter tells them he will find out and get back to them. Finally, after 2 months he returns to the couple and tells them "yes, you can get married in heaven."
The couple then proceeds to ask him "what if it does not work out, can we also get a divorce?" To which Saint Peter tells them, "it took me 2 months to find you a priest, how long do you think it will take me to find you a lawyer?"



Brake Fluid
A mechanic was working under a car when some brake fluid dripped into his mouth. At first he spit it out, but he found that the aftertaste was not tha bad. He continued working under the car when some more brake fluid found its way into his mouth. This time he swallowed. He really liked the taste of brake fluid! Soon enough, his coworkers found him drinking brake fluid from a cup in the shop. "I don't think that's safe" a concerned coworker pleaded. "You should not be drinking anymore brake fluid, dude" another said. "Don't worry" the mechanic assured them, "I can stop anytime!".



A sheriff had a deputy named Wait
The sheriff and his deputy, Wait, were trying to track down a couple of bad guy brothers with the last name Joke.
They got a lead that the Joke brothers were working with a guy named This One. They had reason to believe that This One was hanging out with a notorious perp named Me. So, they put a bug in Me's car to see if they could catch him driving around with This One.
One day, the Sheriff and his deputy Wait were driving separate cop cars following Me to keep an eye on him and listen in on the bug in his car. All of a sudden, the sheriff thought he saw a Joke brother, so he took off chasing him. Wait continued to follow Me.
Moments later, the Sheriff radioed, "I've got a Joke. Wait, stop Me if you've heard This One."


The frog wants a loan
Once, long ago. There was a frog that lived near a pond. He wanted to open a frog diner for all of the other frogs. Off he went to the frog bank to see if he could get some money to start up his frog diner. He had a meeting with Mr. Paddywack the bank manager. During the meeting Mr. Paddywack asked the frog if he had any collateral for the loan. The frog had never heard of this collateral thing. He asked Mr. Paddywack what a collateral was. Mr. Paddywack told the frog is was some object of value. The frog said " i will be right back" off he went. A few minutes later he came back to Mr. Paddywack's office and put a small thing on his desk. Mr. Paddywack said " what's this" the frog said " its a nick nack paddywack, give the frog a loan.


I Need a Raise
Employee: Excuse me sir, may I talk to you? Boss: Sure, come on in. What can I do for you?
Employee: Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years. Boss: Yes.
Employee: I won’t beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise. I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.
Boss: A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.
Employee: I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales, but you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro- activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade.
Boss: Taking into account these factors, and considering I don’t want to start a brain drain, I’m willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time. How does that sound?
Employee: Great! It’s a deal! Thank you, sir! Boss: Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies were after you?
Employee: Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company! (Credit: The Joke Cafe)


Way To Heaven
John dies and goes to Heaven. He meets St. Peter at the gate and asks him, "How do I get into Heaven?" St Pete: Spell "Love". John: L - O - V - E Pete: That's right, you may enter. John: Boy, that was easy, are you sure that's all there is to it? St Pete: Yup...by the way, I have to run an errand. Would you please watch the gate for me and if anyone comes just ask them to spell LOVE. If they spell it right, let them in. John: OK, I can do that.
Soon Ralph arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven? John: Spell LOVE. Ralph: L - O - V - E. John: That's right, come on in. Soon Harry arrives and asks: How do I get in Heaven? John: Spell LOVE Harry: L - O - V - E. John: That's right, come on in.
Soon a woman arrives and as she gets closer John realizes it's his wife. John: What are you doing here? Wife: On the way home from your funeral I was in a car accident and died. What do I have to do to get into Heaven? John: Spell Czechoslovakia........




Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, and announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length."




The Spice Mafia
It is a little known fact that some people want spices that they cannot obtain legally. Be it decades-old oregano, salt from the Last Supper, or the flesh of Sean Spicer, some people love strange and unusual spices. However, in order to obtain these spices, they only have one place to turn: the Spice Mafia, a gang of international criminals who have mastered the art of culinary crime.
When I moved a few weeks ago, I had been warned of the Spice Mafia. I was told to keep my nose clean, and my dishes bland, lest I incur their wrath. I didn't really think much of it at the time.
Two weeks ago, I had gotten out of bed to grab a glass of water, when I heard some strange noises coming from outside. I leaned my head out the window and saw a man digging a hole in my lawn. I yelled at him, and he ran away. Not thinking much of it, I grabbed my water and went back to bed.
The next morning, I went outside and filled in the hole. All through the week, I had some problems with an annoying sneeze. I didn't put that together with the occasional clouds of black dust that would appear when I opened drawers and doors until recently.
A week later, I was woken up by similar noises. I went outside and started yelling. This time there were two of them, but they ran away again. I decided to fill the hole back in then and there, rather than waiting until the morning.
Over the next week, I asked around about what had been going on, and learned about the Spice Mafia. I found out that the local ring was run by one of the toughest Spice Gangsters in the world, Papa Rika. I began planning my counter attack, and preparing for when they came back.
A week later, I was waiting by the window when I saw four men walk up to my lawn. They began digging, just as they had the past two weeks. I let them continue.
When their shovels were thrown to the ground, I moved. I came out of the house, yelling as loud as I could. They didn't run this time; the four of them together could easily beat me in a fair fight. Fortunately, I had brought the one weapon one can use against the Spice Mafia - Pepper Spray.
As they ran off screaming and crying, I examined the hole they had dug. Inside was a metal box. I took it into the house to examine it further. It was clearly old, and had probably been there since before I moved in. It was also unlocked.
I opened the box to find that it was filled with glass jars. All of them had been filled with ground-up leaves, and were expertly preserved. Examining the labels, I couldn't find one that was less than a century old. I also began noticing that they were all the same spice. That's when I realized... since I moved in, I've been living on burrowed thyme.



Uncle Jack
You are a farmer. Your father owns the farm. You live with your father Jim, your mother Ruth, your uncle Jack, and your brother Michael. Your father is in charge of the farm, so he takes care of all of the animals, the crops, and manual labor. Your mother cooks and cleans. Your brother is too young to help out on the farm so he helps his mother in the kitchen. Your uncle Jack is an older fella; weak in the bones. He sits atop his high horse guiding a sheep dog to corral the sheep. One evening close to sundown you hear your uncle's voice crying for help. You run off into the field to see what is going on. Uncle Jack pulled a muscle in his back and cannot get off of his horse. The question remains, do you help your uncle Jack off a horse?



I was traveling back to my hometown
Responding to Mother Nature, decided to stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road.
I went into the washroom. The first stall was taken, so I went into the second stall.
I had just sat down when I heard a voice from the other stall. "Hi there, how is it going?"
I am not the type to strike up conversations with strangers while sitting on the john in restrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to do, but finally I said, "Not bad."
Then the voice said, "So, what are you doing?"
At this point, I was starting to find the situation a bit weird, but I said, "Well, I'm headed back east."
Then I heard the person, all flustered, say, "Look, I'll call you back. Every time I ask you a question, the idiot in the next stall keeps answering me!!!

MAD IN NC

Our friends from up North.... the Canuckitans.

MAD IN NC

Worst Date's Summaries:

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

Ya ever been this stoned - LOL

Kerrmudgeon

A couple of funny pics, and a gratuitous boobie driver at the end. just because!

Kerrmudgeon

Upper Management.....

An man walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Sure, coming right up".

He gets the man a tall mug of coffee, and the man drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the man returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want um coffee".

The waiter says, "Whoa, man, we're still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was all that about, anyway"?

The man smiles and proudly says, "Me training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot ****, leave a mess for others to clean up, and disappear for rest of day.



A young woman is sitting in a café telling her friends her idea of the perfect mate. ‘The man I marry must be a shining light among company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!’ The elderly waitress overhears her and says, ‘If that’s all you want, get a TV!’



Closed....

A café owner locked up his place at 2 AM and went home to sleep. He had been in bed only a few minutes when the phone rang. 'Could you come, please, and open me your café?', the caller told him.

The owner was so furious, he slammed down the receiver and went back to bed. A few minutes later there was another call and he heard the same voice ask the same question. "Listen, the owner shouted, I’ve had a hard day of work, I’m dead tired. I’m trying to have a sleep and the café is CLOSED! WOULD YOU, PLEASE, LEAVE ME ALONE?".

“I don’t want to get in," the caller said. “I want to get out."



Do You Serve Lawyers?

A man walked into a café with his alligator and asked the café owner, "Do you serve lawyers here?".

"Sure do," replied the café owner.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a coffee, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

64Corvette

ricks327

The Irish Angler

The rain was pouring down. And there standing in
front of a big puddle outside the pub, was an old
Irishman, drenched, holding a stick, with a piece of
string dangling in the water.

A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"

"Fishing" replied the old man.

Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent says, "Come in
out of the rain and have a drink with me."

In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskies,
the gentleman cannot resist asking, "So how many
have you caught today?"

"You're the eighth", says the old man.

ricks327

THE EXPLANATION...

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and she was angry. 'You disrespectful bastard!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right now!'
The husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute, love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'
'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said ..............
"Please ... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use ?"

ricks327

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising
altitude, the captain announced: "Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your
captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London to New York . T he
weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.
So, sit back, relax, and . . . OH MY GOD!"
Silence followed.
Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and
Gentlemen, I'm sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a
flight attendant accidentally spilled coffee in my lap. You should see
the front of my pants!"
From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled . . . "For the
luvva Jaysus . . . you should see the back of mine!"

ricks327

1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.
2. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
3. You know that “thingy” little feeling you get when you really like someone? That’s common sense leaving your body.
4. I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim.” I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
5. Old age is coming at a really bad time. When I was a child I thought “nap time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
6. The biggest lie I tell myself is ... “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”
7. I don’t have gray hair; I have “wisdom highlights.” I’m just very wise.
8. Teach your daughter how to shoot, because a restraining order is just a piece of paper.
9. If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have placed them on my knees.
10. Why do I have to press one for English, when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?
11. Of course, I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
12. At my age “getting lucky” means walking into a room and actually remembering what I came in there for.
13. I am what is called a “Seenager” (senior teenager). I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car. I have an ID that gets me into bars and the whiskey store. The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant.
14. Life is great. I have more friends to whom I should send this, but right now I can’t remember their names.

Kerrmudgeon

.....

MAD IN NC

Kerrmudgeon

Dear Abby:

1. Dear Abby: I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much that I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

2. Dear Abby: What can I do about all the nudity, sex, violence, and ful language on my DVD player?

3. Dear Abby: I am a 23-year-old liberated woman. I've been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive, and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss to discuss money with him.

4. Dear Abby: Our son says that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

5. Dear Abby: I've been married to Bill for three months, and I didn't know he drank until he came home sober one night.

6. Dear Abby: You told some woman whose husband has lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex, and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

7. Dear Abby: My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she's going through mental pause.

8. Dear Abby: I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?

9. Dear Abby: A couple moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher, and the other one is a social worker in her twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

All true.

http://www.snopes.com/humor/letters/dearabby.asp