Kerrmudgeon

Hey guys and gals! .......Yup it's true Fall has officially started, so we need a little humour around here to overcome the gloom of impending ....ughhhh winter. So go ahead and make...me...laugh!
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Some borrowed and some new gifs to start with:


The northern pole of Saturn, seen by the Cassini probe




























The Coast Is Not Clear.....

It was two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and decides to just listen to this late night caller ...(Pause as he listens.) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?”
The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”



An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.
A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.
"What was the name of the Instructor?" asked the neighbor.
"Oh, ummmm, let's see," the old man pondered. "You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what's that flower's name?"
"A rose?" asked the neighbor.
"Yes, that's it," replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, "Hey, Rose, what's the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?"



Chinese Jews.....?

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant.
"Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter replied and he went into the kitchen.
He quickly returned and said, "No, sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied exasperated. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese jews!"

......

Kerrmudgeon

Getting lost....

A young journalism student at the University of Tennessee was assigned to write a human interest story, so he went up into the mountains were he found an old farmer sitting on his porch. He introduced himself, explained his mission, and asked,

"Has anything ever happened here that made you really happy?"The farmer thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, one time my neighbor"s daughter, a fine looking gal, got lost. We formed a posse and went to look for her, and when we found her, we all took turns to screw her."

"I can"t print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can"t you think of anything else that happened, which made you happy?"The farmer thought for a while longer, then smiled. "Yep! One time a neighbor"s sheep got lost. We formed a posse to look for it, and when we found it, we all took turns to screw it." Again, the young man said

"I can"t print that, either! Let"s try another approach. Has anything ever happened around here that made you really sad?" The old farmer dropped his head in shame. After a couple of seconds he looked up timidly at the young man and said, "This one time, I got lost..."



The Show....

A man walks into a brothel. He walks up to the proprietor and says: "What can I get for ten dollars?" The proprietor says: "Go up the stairs, first room on the right."

The man walks into the room and sits on the bed, he notices a small door at the bottom of one of the walls. The door opens up, and a chicken comes walking out. The man has his way with the chicken. The man comes back the next day and says to the proprietor: "I didn't really like that, and I'd like a refund."

The proprietor says: "Oh, good sir, trust me. Go up the stairs, but this time go into the first room on the left, and you won't want your ten dollars back."

So the man goes into the room, and this room is much larger than the other, with theatre-type seating, and a big curtain on one side. A few people are scattered throughout the seats, and the man sits down. The curtain opens up, and it's actually large flat screen TV and what appears to be a live camera feed of an orgy. The man leans over to a guy sitting next to him and says: "Man, this is something, huh?" The other guy says: "You should have been here yesterday. Some guy was ******* a chicken."



Who's that?....

A wealthy husband and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more
wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMWs in the garage and no more yacht clubs. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.



Old age.....

A man was writing a book about elderly people and he went out into his community looking for old people to interview. He saw a man sitting on his porch and thought it was the oldest man he had ever seen, so he stopped to talk to him. He asked about his lifestyle, and the man told him he smoked two packs of cigarettes and drank a bottle of whiskey every day. He ate anything he wanted, and especially liked fried foods.

He said he had never been to a doctor or taken a prescription drug. He did use illegal drugs, especially cocaine and meth. He despised exercise and sat in a recliner chair watching TV all day. He told the man that was remarkable, and asked just how old he was. The man replied 36.



Two ladies talking in Heaven.....

1st woman: Hi! Wanda.

2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began
to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband
was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I
found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started
running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and
down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under
all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became
so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.







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Kerrmudgeon

A couple from Billy Schmit.....


AS ONLY THE IRISH CAN TELL A STORY!

Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It
seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they 'd each walked across the lake to the pub on
the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy 's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick,
took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the
boat...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused,
Paddy went to see his grandmother .. "Grandma," he asked, "Tis me 18th
birthday, so why can 't I walk across the lake like me father, his
father and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled blue eyes and said,
"Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all
born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August,
ya freekin idiot!"




Heavens to Murgatroyd!..


Would you believe the email spell checker did not recognize the word, Murgatroyd? Lost Words from our childhood: Words gone as fast as the buggy whip! Sad really!

The other day a not so elderly (65) (I say 75) lady said something to her son about driving a Jalopy and he looked at her quizzically and said, “What the heck is a Jalopy?” OMG (new) phrase! He never heard of the word jalopy!! She knew she was old but not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory after you read this and chuckle.......

About a month ago, I illuminated some old expressions that have become obsolete because of the inexorable march of technology. These phrases included “Don’t touch that dial,” “Carbon copy,” “You sound like a broken record” and “Hung out to dry.” Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie. We’d put on our best bib and tucker to straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy!
Gee whillikers!
Jumping Jehoshaphat!
Holy Moley!

We were in like Flynn and living the life of Riley, and even a regular guy couldn’t accuse us of being a knucklehead, a nincompoop or a pill. Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days, life used to be swell, but when’s the last time anything was swell?

Swell has gone the way of beehives, pageboys, and the D.A.; of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts, saddle shoes and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back. Kilroy was here, but he isn’t anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap, and before we can say, well I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!

Or, This is a fine kettle of fish! We discover that the words we grew up with, the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen, have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth, the words we’ve left behind We blink, and they’re gone. Where have all those phrases gone?

Long gone: Pshaw, The milkman did it.
Hey! It’s your nickel.
Don’t forget to pull the chain.
Knee high to a grasshopper.
Well, Fiddlesticks!
Going like sixty.
I’ll see you in the funny papers.
Don’t take any wooden nickels.

It turns out there are more of these lost words and expressions than Carter has liver pills. This can be disturbing stuff!

We of a certain age have been blessed to live in changeable times. For a child, each new word is like a shiny toy, a toy that has no age. We at the other end of the chronological arc have the advantage of remembering there are words that once did not exist and there were words that once strutted their hour upon the earthly stage and now are heard no more, except in our collective memory. It’s one of the greatest advantages of aging.

See ya later, alligator!

After a while crocodile!!!!

Bowtyeguy

Robot <
A guy goes into a bar in Louisiana where there's a robot bartender.
The robot says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey." The robot brings back his drink and says to
the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168." The robot then proceeds to talk about physics,
space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious so he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What will you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey." Again, the robot brings the man his drink and
says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100." The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR,
Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers.

The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will
try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What will you have?" The
guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey.

The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, about 50."

The robot leans in real close and says,
"SO, you people still pissed off that Hillary lost the election?

Roger Walling

AUGUST IS...
August is National Catfish Month
August is Romance Awareness Month
August is Foot Health Month
August 1 is...National Raspberry Cream Pie Day
August 3 is...National Watermelon Day
August 4 is...Twins Day Festival
August 6 is...Wiggle Your Toes Day
August 7 is...Sea Serpent Day
August 8 is...Sneak Zucchini Onto Your Neighbor's Porch Night
August 10 is...Lazy Day <- It's that here now, and it's not been a lazy day at all
August 12 is...Middle Child's Day
August 13 is...Blame Someone Else Day
August 15 is...National Relaxation Day & National Failures Day
August 18 is...Bad Poetry Day
August 25 is...Kiss-And-Make-Up Day
August 28 is...World Sauntering Day
August 30 is...National Toasted Marshmallow Day
August 31 is...National Trail Mix Day

I can hardly wait for September!

Kerrmudgeon

Bowtyeguy

Kerrmudgeon

British humour!!


The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?'

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..'

She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You hold the fork in the wrong hand.

You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'.







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Kerrmudgeon

MAD IN NC

The French restaurant “Le Petit Chef (Little Chef)”



The French restaurant “Le Petit Chef (Little Chef)” came up with an original way to entertain guest while waiting for their order by using an overhead projector on the ceiling. The animation is on the table and your plate.
There is a small chef who appears on your table, ....watch what he does!

Bon Appetite’!!

MAD IN NC

WALMART Car Show!

MAD IN NC

A PRE-SCHOOL TEST FOR YOU

Which Way is the bus below traveling?
To the left or to the right?



Can't make up your mind?
Look carefully at the picture Again.

Still don't know?

Pre-schoolers all over the United States

Were shown this picture and asked The same question.
92% of the pre-schooler's gave this answer.
"The bus is traveling to the left."

When asked, "Why do you think the bus is traveling to The left?"

They answered: "Because you can't see the door to get on the bus."

How do you feel

Now???



I know, me too.

Have a nice day!


Personally, I think the reason why we 'old farts' answer incorrectly is

'WE FRIGGIN WALKED TO SCHOOL! '

MAD IN NC

MAD IN NC

Old Sport Observations


Don Meredith, Dallas Cowboys Quarterback once said: “Coach Tom Landry is such a perfectionist that if he was married to Raquel Welch, he would expect her to cook.”

Harry Neale, professional hockey coach: "Last year we couldn't win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn't think of anyplace else to play.”

Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver: "Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch."

Doug Sanders, professional golfer: "I'm working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect."

Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers pitcher: "All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, 'See, there's a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'"

Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver: "When it's third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I'll take the whiskey drinkers every time."

Tommy LaSorda , L A Dodgers manager: "I found out that it's not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don't care and the other twenty percent are glad I'm having them."

E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee operations: "My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget."

Vic Braden, tennis instructor: "My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren't as good.”

Tommy John , N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery: "When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did, but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax's."

Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback when asked if Tom Landry ever smiles: "I don't know. I only played there for nine years."

John Breen, Houston Oilers: "We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”

Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons:"The film looks suspiciously like the game itself."

Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher: “When I'm on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo."

Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner: "I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats."

Paul Hornung, Green Bay Packers running back on why his marriage ceremony was before noon: “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”

Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach: "I have a lifetime contract. That means I can't be fired during the third quarter if we're ahead and moving the ball."

Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game: "I won't know until my barber tells me on Monday."

Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting: "I tell him "Attaway to hit, George."

Bill Walton, Portland Trail Blazers: "I learned a long time ago that 'minor surgery' is when they do the operation on someone else, not you."

George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores:"Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash."

Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach: "The only difference between me and General Custer is that I have to watch the films on Sunday."

MAD IN NC

Occasionally, a gem of a joke comes along.......


An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each
other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was
finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner
and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They
discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
their physical relationship.

'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, leaned over towards her and
whispered - 'Is that one word or two?

MAD IN NC

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Lorraine -

When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Lorraine to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.

I generally have lunch each day in the Men's Grill at the Golf Club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now, it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done, before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break, when she was only half-finished mowing the front lawn. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man... I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Lorraine. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum.

The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby.

His wife Lorraine was arrested and charged with murder...

The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

A hole in one, so to speak!!

MAD IN NC

Kerrmudgeon

Best dogtag EVER!

Kerrmudgeon

A few pics.....

Kerrmudgeon

Spend a little time, and be prepared to laugh, and wince a little at these fools....